All them times I spent out on the lone prairie starin’ up at the sky, I never in a million years woulda guessed at the variety or number of creatures that existed up among the stars.

I had kinda hoped that spendin’ time with Commander XXyshen would have made things easier. They didn’t. Instead, her invitation to join the Orion Rangers only made my life a whole lot harder.

You see, growin’ up, I never did have much time or use for learnin’. Readin’ and rithmatic just seemed like silly wastes of time to me. So, when I shoulda been in school, more often ’n not, I was out fishin’ or playin’ cowboy with a couple a my other friends.

Now that was useful. A whole mess more useful than school, that’s sure nuff. I mean, some book ain’t gonna fill your belly but a fish sure will. I kinda figured that meant learning to catch fish was a teensy tiny bit more important than any book learnin’ might be.

So, here I am, all up in the galaxy and whatnot and I don’t have the first idea about how to read. That in itself ain’t such a big deal cause, as you might imagine, English isn’t all that popular a language in the broader galaxy.

Where it is a big deal, at least this is what the commander says, is because I never had learned the knack for readin’, the neural pathways or somesuch never did develop in my brain. If they had, it would have been relatively simple to reprogram my brain to understand the alien writin’. At least, that’s how I understood the commander to explain it. It was all gobbly gook to me.

Since no neural pathways existed, I had to learn how to read the old fashioned way. By sitting with a tutor and first learning the alphabet, then learning words spelled with the alphabet and eventually moving on to creating sentences and paragraphs and whatnot.

That was a big problem. Unilac, which I’ve been told is spoken by practically everyone, is not a simple language. The number of vowels alone is well over forty. You can only imagine how many consonants there are. It hurts my brain just to consider it.

But, every day, my tutor The Cripslock came to my room to work with me on my readin’. It’s real lucky The Cripslock is a machine cause I think any sane being would have run screaming after the first hour…just like I did…several times.

Each time I’d run off, one Orion Ranger or another would come find me and bring me back. Each Orion Ranger was one of the fellas I had originally chased after the bank robbery.

There were times when I wished I still had my trusty Colt. Some of those fellas would look pretty fine with a couple extra holes into them. It was only fair to thank them appropriately, after all.

But I didn’t have my Colt, or any other weapon for that matter. Apparently, a recruit like myself has to learn how to handle himself before he's trusted with a weapon. When and if I graduate, then and only then will I get a weapon of my very own.

***

“How are things going, Champ?” Commander Xxyshen asked. It had been, as near as I can reckon, almost a week since I had last seen her.

I picked my jaw up off the ground and took her in. A glowing white dress uniform made it difficult to look anywhere else. “They’re fine, ma’am,” I said. “Where have you been?” That last piece just sort of slipped out unexpected like. I started to blush at my presumptuousness.

The commander smiled. “Well, Champ, I usually have a lot of paperwork to do every day. Your arrival has at least doubled that work.” She paused, then blurted out, “Not that any of us would ever complain about that.”

“Sorry for askin’ ma’am,” I said. “I shoulda known you would be a busy woman, running the Orion Rangers and whatnot.” I tried real hard just then to be more sophisticated. I think that’s the word I was looking for, anyway. Back home, women didn’t do much runnin’ of anything. Out here in the bigger galaxy, I was learnin’ right quick how different things were.

The commander smoothed her uniform down. “No need to apologize, Champ. Things have been busier than I would like though. Seems that there is a rash of robberies going on around the station. My men always seem to be half a step behind.”

“I recall seein’ a few things like that back home, ma’am. Most likely the problem is sittin’ right under the noses of your men. Might just be that your guys are too familiar with the locals to see what’s really going on.”

“You know, Champ, you could be right about that,” Commander Xxyshen said. She looked at me, tapping her foot and rubbing her jaw. “How’s your Unilac coming?”

“Ah think ah could ask for a glass of water if I was dying of thirst,” I said. I was only half joking. Other than knowing how to say my name, asking for a drink and calling into doubt a person’s parentage, I was still trying to figure out the basics. The Cripslock, while a machine, did seem to have some sense of humour.

“Hmm. Well, it isn’t much, but I think I need you more for your outsider’s point-of-view than your conversation skills. Come with me.” The commander turned and led the way out of the training room.

I know I’ve mentioned before how much I enjoyed watching the commander walk. Right that moment I was conflicted. Should I watch her like I had watched countless pretty women or should I treat her like my boss? And, to complicate matters more, could I actually do both successfully?

In the end I simply followed her, hoping not to trip over my feet.

***

We strolled around the station, talking and laughing. I kept my eyes peeled for anything that looked out of the ordinary. But I also had a burning question to ask.

“Commander. I wanted to ask you about this learnin’ I’m supposed to be doing?”

Commander Xxyshen’s right eyebrow raised. “Oh? What about it?”

“Well, you have me learning to speak Unilac, right?”

“Yes? What about it?”

“It’s just that, I already have this handy dandy earpiece doohicky. Isn’t that good enough?”

“That’s a very good question, Champ. But I have an equally good answer.”

“Okay, I’m listening,” I said.

“The doohicky, as you call it is a device. It can break, be taken away or any of a number of things. If you learn to speak Unilac, unless you are hurt, you can still speak and understand it whether you have the device or not.”

That made a lot of sense.

“Oh yes, and if you wear the device for more than seven days in a row, your brain will leak out your nose.”

She said it so calmly and seriously, I had to stop walking and just stare at her. Then her words really took hold and I tried to pull the translator out of my ear. But no matter how hard I pulled, it stayed put like it was part of my head.

It took me several moments, what with the yanking and fumbling with my head, to realize the commander was laughing.

I stopped my antics to look at her. “What’s so funny?”

“Oh, Champ. I’m sorry, but you should see yourself squirm.” She giggled again. “The translator won’t hurt you in any way. There was a time when we used a form of fish that fed off your brainwaves to do the translation, but those days are long past.”

“A fish?” Somehow, seeing the lovely commander giggling like a young girl was enough to stun me back into sensibility. But a fish?

“Yes. It was amazing, but if you kept it in your ear too long, it occasionally would grow too big and your head would explode.”

I laughed, thinking she was still joking.

“No, it’s true, Champ. Some of our most brilliant thinkers were lost because of that. It was a real tragedy.”

I tried to picture some one of my teacher’s with exploding heads. I laughed again. “Commander, it may have been a tragedy for you, but I can think of a couple school marms who woulda benefited from it.”

Commander Xxyshen shook her head. “You are a very strange man, Champ McKay.”

“You don’t know the half of it, ma’am,” I replied. Truth was, I was just a regular cowpoke with a badge. I just didn’t want the commander to think I was regular. She might just lose interest in me if that happened.

We stopped to let a group of little tentacled fellas cross in front of us. They were pushing and pulling a floating platform that appeared to be filled with trash. Not trash like I would have back home, but odds and ends piled haphazardly on the contraption. It was a marvel that nothing was falling off.

“What’s that, commander?”

“The Rigellians?” she asked.

“I guess. Whatever them fellas with the floating platform are.”

“Yes, Rigellians,” she said more firmly. “They are the station’s sanitation detail. It’s their job to ensure that all trash is picked up and disposed of.”

“What do them Rigellians do with the trash?” I asked.

“I believe it is delivered to the station incinerators,” Commander Xxyshen said.

“And where are those?” I asked.

The commander frowned. “Why do you ask, Champ? Are you planning to leave the Rangers for a career in sanitation?”

I smiled. “Not at all Commander. I’m askin’ cause I’m new to these parts so I don’t know what’s normal and what isn’t. Those little fellas seemed to be in a powerful hurry to get somewhere. Now, it could be that things are a might different here than back home in Texas, but where I'm from those fellas responsible for keepin’ the trash off the street were never in a hurry. Not for anything. I just woulda thought it might be the same here.”

“Interesting,” the commander said. I could see the wheels turning in her head. She looked up the street and then down again. It took me a minute to realize she was getting her bearings. “Come to think of it, Champ, the incinerators are that way,” she said, pointing in the opposite direction to where the Rigellians were going.

“You don’t suppose them critters is lost, do you?” I asked.

“Not critters, Champ and no, I can’t imagine they would be lost.”

“A different incinerator?” I suggested.

“No. There is only one environmental and disposal section on the station and they aren’t moving toward it.”

I started walking in the direction of the Rigellians.

“Where are you going?” Commander Xxyshen asked.

“I’m going to talk to them Rigellian fellas,” I said. “Maybe they explain why they are hauling trash around the station.”

***

We chased after the Rigellians, going down the same street they had just travelled. Trouble was, them tentacled little varmints were no where to be seen.

“Where’d they go, Commander?”

The commander was looking at every building. “I have no idea, Champ, but I think I know a way to find them.”

"How are you gonna do that?" I asked, mystified. Tracking them was out of the question on the hard surface that made up the street. What else was there?

“Watch and learn, Champ,” Commander Xxyshen said. She tapped at a device on her wrist.

“Yes, Commander?” a voice said out of the device.

It’s only because I have already seen a lot of strange things since I left Earth that I didn’t run screaming. There has been a lot of goings on that I would have called magic or witchcraft. The floating platform was only one example of that.

“What in heaven’s name is that, Commander?” I asked.

“This, Champ, is called a communicator. It allows people to talk to each other at a distance.”

“How far apart can you be?” I asked. My mind was already racing with the possibilities.

“That’s not important right now, Champ. Hold on for just a tic.” The commander tapped the communicator again. “Control, I need you to do a search for all hovercarts that belong to the sanitation department.”

“One moment, Commander. I will search the stationbase.” The voice went away for less than a minute before it came back. “Commander, there are hovercarts spread all over the station. Is there a location you are interested in specifically?”

“Yes, Control. Are there any hovercarts near my position?”

“Yes, Commander. There are two within twenty-five metres. I will upload the information to your wristcomp.”

A small beep on the commander’s wrist indicated the receipt of the information. “You should have the information now, Commander.”

“Thank you, Control. Please have any local Rangers converge on my position please. I don’t know that we will need them, but it never hurts to be careful.”

“Yes Commander. I have three Rangers within 2 tics of you.”

“Excellent, Control. Monitor my position please. I will be investigating the hovercart positions.”

“Commander?”

“Not to worry Control. I have recruit McKay with me. I am not doing this alone.”

“The Human?” The voice on the communicator was clearly skeptical.

“Yes Control. The Human. Commander out!” Xxyshen savagely deactivated the communicator. She looked at me. “Sorry about that, Champ. Most of the Orion Rangers don’t know you yet. They will come around.”

I nodded. “It don’t bother me none, ma’am. Bein’ a Texas Ranger didn’t exactly make me popular with some folk.”

She nodded. “Well, don’t expect your popularity to rise when you formally become an Orion Ranger either. This quadrant of space, we’re the only thing between law and total anarchy. That makes us hated by many.”

Xxyshen looked at her communicator. “No matter what my people think, they are good at their jobs. I have the location of both hovercarts on my wristcomp.” She held it up for me to see. “Look, they aren’t too far from us. Let’s go see what they are up to.”

The commander walked down the street, her eyes on the wrist device. As we neared an alley, she turned down it. She reminded me of nothing less than a tracking dog. We were half-way down the alley when a couple of them Rigellian fellas came from behind some bins. That was okay. They weren’t terrible big; I coulda handled them by myself.

Then I looked back the way we came. There were six more behind us, blocking the alley. Small or not, that many might overwhelm a person. I aimed to see if they could.

“Commander, can you handle the two in front of us?” I asked. I had turned my back to the commander and was facing the six coming from behind.

“I suppose I can, Champ. Why do you…” Commander Xxyshen looked over her shoulder and spotted my playmates. “Oh, I see. Yes, Champ. I can handle these two and watch your back, if that’s what you have in mind.”

“Commander, I’ve been cooped up in a small room for a while now. I think I need a little exercise, if you don’t mind.”

“You have my permission to use whatever methods you see fit, Champ,” the commander said. I think I could hear a bit of a smile in her voice.

That was all I needed.

The Rigellians seemed a bit confused when I headed towards them, my fists raised and ready. They had been advancing, trying to look mean.

I ask you, how mean can something that looks like a one-eyed green sack with squishy little legs be? I’d certainly been up close and personal with my share of critters a heck of a lot more frightening than these guys. Heck, I once wrastled a bear. It was a young bear, but it WAS a bear nonetheless.

The first one sorta jumped at me. I hadn’t really been expecting that, but I was ready for purt near anything. It had one leg that was clearly longer than the other four. I grabbed that leg and swung the creature at its closest buddies. I hadn’t been exactly expecting that longer leg to be hard. As I mentioned before, these fellas seem kinda squishy. That’s what I thought I would get. So I squeezed down extra hard when I grabbed it. The leg was hard, sorta like a man’s arm is hard. My squeezin’ seemed to squash some of the hardness outta it. 

The Rigellian’s single eye bulged as it flew through the air and it made a sound I don’t think I’ll ever forget. It was something like a cross between a woman screaming in terror and a moose lookin’ for a mate.

My soft club smashed into two more of the Rigellians like a sack of flour slamming into a woodchuck. The two targets flew into a wall with a splat and then there were four. Four if you counted the one I was using for a club. That one was actually out of it too, his hard fifth leg now limp and ragged.

The remaining three looked at each other as I tossed my now defunct weapon over my shoulder, narrowly missing the commander.

“Hey! Watch it Champ!”

“Sorry Commander,” I said without turning. I advanced on the remaining three Rigellians. One of them still had some gumption left. It leapt at me much like the first had. This one also had the longer fifth leg which it appeared to be trying to spear me with. Like I had the first one, I grabbed the leg, squeezed and swung in one fluid motion. Like the first one, this fella screamed loud and long as it was used to bludgeon its fellows.

I tossed it onto the pile of beaten Rigellians when I was done.

I finally turned to face the commander. She had, as I expected, finished her two off and had been watching me with my last three. She had a peculiar expression on her face.

“Um, Champ…first, congratulations on beating your six.”

“I thankee kindly, ma’am,” I said. If I had been wearing my Stetson, I would have swept it off my head in a flourish. Since I didn’t, I merely bowed.

“Um, that was an interesting fighting style you had there, Champ.”

“Thankee again, ma’am. I just kinda went with what was available.”

“Champ, you know that tentacle you were grabbing and swinging the Rigellians by?”

“Yup. What of it?”

“Do you know what that particular extremity was?”

“No ma’am. A fifth leg, I suppose.”

Her laugh was a little shaky. “In a manner of speaking, yes, Champ. I guess you could call it that.”

This whole conversation was odd. It was making my head start to ache, just a little bit. “Ma’am, I cain’t help but think you want to call it something different.”

“Let me put it this way, Champ. Back on Earth, when you got into a fight, were there any places on another man that you wouldn’t grab or strike?”

I thought about that question for a minute. “Not really. Except maybe a man’s privates. It just wasn’t done to kick a man in the jewels in a fight.”

“The jewels?”

“Well, I suppose you might call them his reproductive organs,” I said, struggling a little to find the right words.

Command Xxyshen let out a little sigh of relief. “So you do understand.”

“Understand what?” I asked. This conversation just wasn’t gettin’ any easier.

“That fifth, longer leg you were holding?”

She didn’t need to finish. “Oh. My. God! Are you telling me I was swinging those little fellas by their peckers?”

“If by peckers you mean reproductive organs, then yes, that’s what I’m telling you, Champ.”

“And they were attacking me with them?” I asked, still not quite believing what I was hearing.

“Oh yes. That is one of their attacks. The ends of their dronglars are pointed. I’ve heard the excretions from them can kill a non-Rigellian. They drive them through your skin. I’ve also heard the actual shaft is quite sensitive to pain.”

“Dronglar?” Even the name sounded wrong. “Commander, I think I need a drink.”

“As soon as the other Rangers arrive, I will have them question the suspects and I will take you for that drink. I think there might be a few things you need to know about the citizens of this station before I let you out on active duty again,” Commander Xxyshen said with a grin.

“You said a mouthful just there, Commander,” I said. I shook my head. “I’m not sure I’ll ever quite be ready.”

“Oh, don’t you worry, Champ. You’re going to do just fine.”

***

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