Natasha

Natasha drove faster than she should have on the gravel and the potholes in this part of town.

The location Tony sent her didn't mean much good. And she could only find Katya in one of two states, not sure which one was worse.

She prayed she was still in time. Or in time enough to try and salvage something, cut in before it got too bad.

But to her uttermost relief and surprise, she didn't even have to step into the building to find her wife. Because a small, mustard-colored dot of a human sat on the sidewalk curb, knees pulled to her chest with her chin on top, just staring lifelessly at the asphalt.

She was barely visible in the dark, one lonely streetlight and lights from the windows showing Natasha that this was indeed her wife.

Swiftly, Natasha parked the Audi along the curb and jumped out, rushing to her fragile-looking wife. Her usually well-kept hair messy, shoulders hunched over to roll into the smallest possible ball.

Invisible, that's what Katya wanted to be. And according to the far-away look in her eyes, she already had mentally disappeared from reality.

''Katya,'' Natasha sighed in relief nonetheless, ready to cry because she was so happy to have found her.

Screw the huge neon light above the old wooden door, meant to lure people in. "Bar". Fuck this place for tempting a recovering alcoholic to drink her worries away.

Still cautiously, she approached Katya, her boots muffled on the pavement. Finding her was one thing, but there was no telling if she was drunk and how badly. She wasn't even sure if her arrival had been noticed. Not until Katya spoke up with a hoarse and flat voice.

''I didn't drink anything. I was going to, but then I thought it would only make you more mad.''

What worried Natasha greatly, was how calm she sat there. Not crying or sobbing like she expected her to, which made it a hundred times worse than if she would have broken down or jumped up and started screaming.

No emotions were scarier than an overload of them.

Natasha's heart sunk at the idea that Katya expected her to be angry. ''I'm not mad. In fact, I'm proud of you for not touching a drink. But you scared me. And Clint, and Tony.''

Slowly, she lowered herself on the sidewalk as well, not looking at Katya once but instead watching the incredibly silent street, and the front yards of the houses around.

This bar was incredibly lonely and in a completely random part of this neighborhood. Not many people came here. Only the locals and regulars. Maybe two people were inside right now. It should have probably been closed years ago.

It felt fitting to have two misplaced and tense people sitting right in front of the door. One desperately trying to reach the other, who had dug herself in behind her defenses.

Natasha had always been able to reach her when others couldn't, but found herself empty handed in front of those sky-high walls.

Katya furrowed her brows the tiniest bit. ''Tony?'' She didn't seem to care that she scared her wife by running off. In fact, she didn't seem to care about much in general.

''He found you,'' Natasha hummed softly, hoping maybe that act of kindness from her friend did something. But nope. Katya didn't reply to it. In fact, she didn't say anything for a while. They simply sat there in silence.

''You know, I was hurt. But now..." Katya shook her head, dropping her gaze to her feet. "I don't feel anything.''

Natasha's head whipped in her direction, for the first time looking at her scarily calm face. ''No." Her eyes widened, her voice but a breath. "Katya... You shut it out again?''

Part of her had been happy to see her yell at Yelena, to see tears, to see her body shake and tremble, to feel those emotions. Finally, after six years.

It had been a breakthrough. More than Katya had showed concerning this topic, ever, since that day on that muddy road in the middle of Russia.

But here she was, folding all those feelings and stuffing them back in the drawer, locking it tightly. Hiding, avoiding the pain, running away - literally.

Katya still didn't look her way, raising a skeptical eyebrow. ''Would you rather I drink until I can't walk?'' She asked tonelessly.

''Yes." Natasha's answer came confident as ever, her voice louder. "Yes. I'd rather have you feel all of it than nothing. I'd rather have you cry for a week than walk around the house like a zombie, on auto pilot, pretending everything is fine."

Katya scoffed. ''You're so naïve. Let's go home.'' She started to stand up, brushing the invisible dirt from her jeans.

Natasha followed her to her feet. ''We're not going anywhere. Not until you let it in,'' she said sternly but soft. The days of going easy on her, letting her get away with this, were over. She did that during the Snap, with the alcohol problem, and look where that got them.

''Then good luck sleeping on the street,'' Katya answered without looking back, trailing towards the car with her hands in the pockets of her hoodie, shoulders hunched over.

Natasha clenched her jaw, following her with pain in her eyes. ''Don't do this. Don't push me away,'' she begged. She had to contain herself not to start yelling. To yell sense into her.

''Then stop bugging me.'' Her tone hadn't changed the entire time. It would stay this lifeless and monotone for a while.

Natasha's feet stopped on her own accord, once again surprise written all over her face, and not the good kind. ''You think that's what's happening here?" Did Katya honestly think she wanted to be annoying? "I'm doing this for you. I'm trying to help you. As I will always keep doing.''

Katya had reached the car, pulling the handle on the passenger's seat door before realizing it was locked. Upon which she just gave up and stood there, staring at said door. ''I'm really not worth that. You're wasting your time.''

Never had Natasha rushed to say words faster. ''Don't say that. I will spend all my remaining years helping you if that's what it takes. If it means I will wake up with your beautiful smile, and your laugh ringing through the house. If Maya can play board games with her mom, and watch those stupid movies together until she grows tired of them.'' She smiled at all those memories, those happy moments. Until reality sunk in. "And if it means you don't feel anything right here.'' She took one of Katya's hands and placed it on her own stomach, right below her ribcage, hoping this physical touch did something. ''Please, Kat. I know it's hard, and it will suck. But you can fight through it. You're strong. And you're not alone. I'm here. I always will be. Haven't I proven that?''

Katya pulled her hand back, stuffing it in the hoodie again. ''I don't want to,'' she sniffed casually, still not one trace of emotion on her face as she shuffled in her spot and stared at her feet.

''I know. I know. But you've been suppressing this for years. And I know you don't tell Eliza everything.''

Uneasy, and slightly guilty, Katya shifted her weight from one leg to another. ''I have never told her."

If possible, Natasha's heart sunk to the floor. Straightening up in surprise, she had trouble hiding the disappointment in her voice, although it was mostly worry.

''Oh, Kat,'' she sighed. How did she not realize Katya lied to her about that? She lied to her saying the whole Dreykov-is-my-uncle subject was also touched in the sessions. But that never happened. So she hadn't started the processing at all.

''I'm sorry. I don't want to lie to you.'' Her mumble didn't sound convincing or apologetic in the least, but the idea was there. It didn't help that she still stared at the shiny black paint on the car door, never once looking to her left, where her wife stood.

''I understand why you did. I don't approve, but I understand.'' Natasha wished she could touch her, turn her face softly, grab her cheeks to connect their eyes. "But baby, she can't help you if you don't tell her everything."

''I don't want to be a mess again. Not now. Not while everything has been going so well." She swallowed thickly. "But I fall apart without structure, without anything to keep me busy. It's just me and my mind and it's killing me.''

Right there was the first trace of emotion: frustration and hopelessness. Two things which lay closer together than people thought.

While Katya shifted uncomfortably, Natasha stared at her, mind working on full power. Did she miss those signs that Katya gave off? Could she have seen those things?

''Why didn't you tell me?" She whispered; pain written all over her face.

"Because you are so happy, Nat. I didn't want to burst your bubble." Why was she saying all these things? She didn't even want to talk right now. But somehow, the words kept coming. Maybe, somewhere in her brain, she was happy to finally speak them.

A strangled breath escaped Natasha's lips. "Baby, I am only one hundred percent happy if you are." She stepped closer to the car, forcing herself into Katya's field of vision, but still without any success in attracting her gaze. "You can tell me everything. I want you to tell me everything. Let me in on things. I can't read your mind, so you'll have to talk."

"Like I said; I don't want to," Katya mumbled towards her shoes. It didn't seem that any of Natasha's words came through.

"This is not about what you want, it's about what you need." She shook her head and straightened up. This was useless on her end. "Tomorrow, I'm going with you to Eliza, and we're gonna have a very thorough conversation where we touch today's subject, and everything else you have been hiding.''

Katya's head shot up, looking at her for the first time tonight. Shaking her head in a panic, she started to back off. ''No. No, I can't.''

''Talk to me." Natasha teared up, her voice pleading. "I'm begging you.'' She felt so helpless, the panic on Katya's face so painful to see.

''I can't." She kept shaking her head subconsciously, her feet shuffling backwards over the sidewalk. "I'll drown. There's too much.''

''Too much what?'' Natasha desperately asked, following up her backwards movements by stepping forward each time.

''Self-loathing, pain, guilt, anger.'' She threw out. ''Natalia, there won't be any room for anything else if I let that all in.'' She looked away, into the darkness of the neighborhood, biting on her lip to stop more confessions from coming out. ''I am so sorry I keep causing you pain. You deserve better than such a broken soul.''

Natasha didn't know how fast to close the distance between them. To her surprise, Katya let her take her hands from her pockets and hold them. ''But all I want is you. I don't want 'better'. I love you for who you are. Broken bits and all. I don't only want the pretty parts. I never said I did. I love you. And you have no say in that. No way to change that.'' She squeezed her hands. ''So, I'm ready to catch you if you fall apart. Because everything you go through, we go through together.''

Katya stared at their hands, her mind far away. "You know, this is exactly what I was afraid of when you asked me if I wanted a kid. I said yes, but only if I felt a hundred percent, not ten," she mumbled. Natasha nodded, remembering that conversation. "Now I am barely one percent. All I do is ruin things. This picture you had in your head of a perfect family..."

"It would never be perfect. Nothing is perfect, that's just an illusion. And I don't even want perfect. I want it to be ours. And it is. I love our outdated kitchen, the coffee stain on the rug, the creaky stairs, how messed up our dinner always is, Maya's hectic soccer game days, you falling asleep on the couch when we watch a movie. It's perfect to me." She smiled with teary eyes. "You struggling or going through stuff doesn't change that. And I know Maya would agree."

Katya shook her head. "Maya deserves stability, happiness. Not one mom who is emotionally unstable and keeps draining the energy out of the house."

"Kat, she loves you. She has seen all your sides by now, pretty or not. But she never looked at you any differently." Gently, she dropped one hand and tipped her chin up. "Nobody is a hundred percent all the time, and she doesn't blame you for that. But you need to stop focusing on others and start focusing on yourself. You have kept yourself together for my sake, which I never wanted."

"I was just trying to make you happy," Katya whispered. However, she didn't realize that didn't mean neglecting herself. That became clear now though, the guilt of doing it wrong written all over her face.

Natasha wasn't sure how to feel. Usually, she'd be delighted that Katya wanted to make her feel happy, but she never wanted that to happen like this. "Remember that conversation we once had, where I told you I preferred living in the cold hard truth rather than a beautiful lie? It still counts."

Katya scoffed, turning her face away. "Cold hard truth, what a nice way to describe your life."

Nothing Natasha said today, landed correctly. Katya always had a quick answer that undermined her words. It frustrated her immensely, and she had to contain a loud sigh. It wasn't Katya's fault her brain lied to her.

"Kat, you make me the happiest person on the planet. It's the small moments. And those are enough for me. I know you love me, so my life will never feel cold. It is gonna be hard though, but isn't that what we do? We survive against all odds?"

It started to drizzle. How fitting. If Natasha hadn't felt it blow into her face, she could have seen the tiny raindrops in the light of the street lantern.

"I'm tired of surviving, of fighting." Katya's voice was so soft that it could have gotten lost in the wind. But it was the truth. This part of her life was meant to be easy, fun, relaxing. The fighting over. Yet physically fighting battles was somehow much easier than these ones.

Natasha's tears returned. "I know, honey. But I'm not gonna let you give up, and I know you don't want to, either. That little flame in you is still burning. You got to hold on to that tightly." She inhaled shakily and painted a soft smile. "But you need help with that. Which is why you need to talk about it. If not to me, then to a stranger. It'll be okay. I promise"

She was not getting through to her at all. Not tonight at least. Katya had a distant look in her eyes, and all those soothing words seemed to go one ear in and the other out.

She didn't need a lecture on what was good for her, that she should talk about it. All those things, she was very aware of already, even if it didn't show.

''Why don't we go home and sleep?" Natasha suggested. "We'll deal with Yelena tomorrow. But you're exhausted, which doesn't help. You don't have to talk about anything tonight, yet. Tomorrow is another chance."

Numb, Katya nodded, following her back to the car like a lost puppy. Her body was drained, her brain was toast. All she wanted was for her thoughts to shut the hell up, and that lingering pain to go away.

But on the way home, it seemed it was too much to contain. All at once, like something broke, it hit. Natasha's words had finally sunk in.

And with the heavy rain clattering on the roof and windshield, Katya burst out in tears.

At first, when the sobs started, Natasha reached over and held her hand, whispering reassuring things. But when she cried so hard she had trouble breathing, and Natasha feared she'd have an anxiety attack, she pulled over at the next parking lot.

She got out, ran around the car and opened the passenger's side door. Somehow, she managed to unbuckle Katya, pick her up, sit down in that seat, and pull her onto her lap, her heart breaking at the hysterical sobs.

By that time, the inside of the door and the side of the leather seat was wet by rain. But she didn't care. That dried slowly after getting all their limbs inside the car and pulling the door shut.

"Breathe, Kat. Breathe." She soothed her, pulling her shaking body into her chest and running her hands up and down her back and arm. The rain was so loud that she had to raise her voice. "It's okay. Deep breaths."

''It hurts," Katya sobbed erratically, burying her face into her wife's shirt. It felt like her lungs were no longer there, instead a huge hole in her chest. "I can't do this.''

Natasha sniffed and quickly wiped her own tears away before they could fall. ''Yes, you can. I'm here with you.'' She left kisses all over the top of her head. "I love you. You can do this."

She'd thought it would die down after a while, when the worst of the attack was over. But it seemed Katya did truly fall apart there and then. Muttering incoherent things, sobbing into her chest, trembling, erratic breathing.

It took an hour until it calmed down enough that Natasha dared to think about anything else than comforting the woman in her arms. And that was only because Katya was exhausted and dehydrated.

While stroking her hair, Natasha pulled her phone from her pocket and texted Yelena one-handed. ''Don't wait up. Will be there soon. Get Maya to bed.'' Immediately, the text was read, although silence followed from the other end.

"Honey, we're gonna go home and get you in bed, okay?"

Katya didn't react in any way, and it hurt to place her onto the passenger's seat by herself again, her body still shaking. But it would be better to hold Katya somewhere more comfortable, like a bed, than in a dark parking lot.

Natasha stepped out in the pouring rain, sweater getting drenched, her jacket in Katya's hands as a replacement of her body. But she didn't immediately crawl behind the wheel, in the warm and dry car. No, she needed a moment to allow herself to cry as well. Just a small moment where her tears mixed with the rain and her shoulders shook with a single sob.

After that, she took a breath, pulled herself together, and drove home.

It didn't take long to get Katya into bed. She was like a lifeless doll you could drag and put anywhere without resistance. So, Natasha pulled her shoes off, swapped her jeans for some sweatpants, and tugged her in under the covers.

The mustard-collared hoodie stayed on. Katya clung onto that every time she grabbed the hem.

All the lights were still on downstairs, nothing was locked, Natasha's hair was dripping wet, but she climbed into bed anyway, knowing Katya needed her.

It took another hour of gentle words, holding her, and placing kisses on her head, until she fell asleep. The tears had never stopped, but Katya was too exhausted to keep her eyes open.

Extremely careful, Natasha wiggled herself out of her grasp, and treaded downstairs, not sure why. Somehow, she ended up in the kitchen, gripping the edge of the counter while trying to force back more tears.

But when a new and quiet sob wrecked her body, she knew she was done for.

She didn't even make it to the couch or a chair. She sunk down to the floor right there and then, her back against the cabinets.

She hurt for Katya. Felt all her pain. The broken look in her eyes, all that bottled up pain. And nothing she could do to take some of it for herself, relieve her of it. She just felt so powerless. Words only helped to a certain point.

Quietly, as only she could perfectly, she cried for a while. Allowing her to feel, too.

Her phone ringing is what snapped her out of it. It vibrated in the back pocket of her jeans.

It could be one of two people, and so she wasn't surprised in the least when the name of her best friend flashed on screen.

''Hey. You never called me back. Did you find her?''

With a startle, she realized it was past midnight. It had been hours since she called him in a panic. ''Yeah. She's- she's finally asleep.'' Her voice trembled dangerously, trying to sound normal. But this was Clint, she could be vulnerable and honest with him. ''I don't know what to do,'' she choked out.

''Do you want me to come over a day early? I will get onto a plane right now," he offered softly. He was always so patient, something steady to hold on to when she was lost in her worries.

Natasha rapidly shook her head. ''No. You really don't have to. I'm not even sure the party will happen. It all depends on what will happen tomorrow, how she wakes up, if Yelena will apologize..." With the back of her hand, she wiped her tears away. "This is not how I wanted this week to go.''

''Things never go how we want them to. Nobody is to blame for that. Don't feel sorry.''

''It's just..." Her free hand fiddled with some loose threads on her jeans, "Maya will be so disappointed when Yelena has to leave, and like this. I yelled at her, but I don't know if she'll apologize for what she said to Kat. Even if she did, it won't immediately fix anything." Her head fell back against the cabinets, eyes tracing the line on the wall across from her where it met the ceiling. "This atmosphere is terrible.''

''Listen, Nat. I don't know what was said or what the topic was, but from what you told me about Maya, is that she's smart, and understanding, and kind. Yes, she will be disappointed, but she has already had four fun days with her aunt. And Yelena is not going anywhere. They can meet up again later."

He took a breath, contemplating his next words. "I think right now, you need to focus on Kat. She needs peace and time. Maybe sending Yelena home is a smart idea. And Laura and I will happily watch Maya for a week if you need some time alone. I know she will love that. But you need to get back to basics with Katya. Have a heart-to-heart. I have seen how bad she can get. And you need to give her your full attention to help her.''

She thought about his words, letting them sink in. He said a lot in such a short time. A plan was what she needed, and he had just provided her one that included every single person in the house. ''Maybe you're right.''

''Talk to her about this when she wakes up. Let me know when you do, okay? Like I said, watching Maya is no problem. Or if you want me to come up there and be there for a week, also not a problem. Just being here for my best friend.''

Natasha sniffed, taking a deep breath to collect herself. It felt good to get this off her chest, to share her troubles with someone who understood and could help. ''Thank you, Clint.''

''You got this, Nat. You and Katya will find your way through this too. You always have. And remember, you can always call me.''

''Thank you. For everything,'' she muttered, listening to the rain hitting the sliding doors at the back of the house. It hadn't calmed down and felt rather fitting.

''You're welcome. Get some sleep."

''I will.'' She forced the words to come out. Because sleep? That was the last thing on her mind. The only reason she'd lie in that bed is so she could hold Katya.

''Okay. Goodnight.''

''Night.''

The phone got dropped on the floor - gently - and Natasha ran her hands over her face. So many thoughts in her head. Worries, mostly. Ninety percent was Katya, the other ten percent was figuring out the best way to treat the other two people in this house.

She felt so sorry for Maya. It wasn't hard to picture the look of disappointment on her face when she got told Yelena had to go, and that Katya won't be coming out of her bedroom for days.

''Mama?''

Natasha's head shot up. Barefoot, a couple feet away, stood Maya in her arrow pajamas, curiosity and confusion written all over her face.

''Hi sweetheart." Natasha tried to smile, sitting up a bit straighter. But when her cheeks lifted, those dried tear stains reminded her this facade wouldn't fool Maya. "What are you doing out of bed?''

''Couldn't sleep." Careful, she shuffled closer, ready to help. "Why are you crying?''

Natasha decided to be honest. ''I'm just a bit sad because Kat is having some difficult moments again.'' Her voice came out fairly normal and strong, which is what she wanted. Maya shouldn't worry.

The girl watched her before whispering, ''Do you need a hug?''

A surprised laugh escaped her lips. ''I could really use one, actually.'' She straightened out her legs and opened her arms, welcoming her into her chest, which seemed to be a popular place tonight. It felt nice to have someone close, the warmth of Maya's small body spreading through her own. ''I will explain tomorrow, okay?'' she whispered into her hair, ''I just need to figure some stuff out first.''

''Okay.'' She smelled like the honey shampoo that did wonders for her curls. Something they looked for for months.

After a while, Natasha kissed her head and patted her leg. ''Come on. Let's get you to bed.'' Stiffly, they stood from the hard floor. Natasha couldn't help but notice the perfect braid on the back of the girl's head when they climbed the stairs. ''Who did your braid? It looks nice.''

''Lena did.''

Her eyebrows shot up when her eye fell onto the state of Maya's bed. ''And I bet she did that too?''

The two giant bears they had won her on the fair, were propped up against the headboard, barely any room left for the actual pillow.

Natasha chuckled when Maya nodded and climbed in happily. ''Is there even space for you?" Somehow, she settled down between the bears, her head barely visible. "Ah, very good. Don't suffocate, please.''

Maya chuckled and pulled the covers up to her chin. ''I won't.''

''Good." Natasha hesitated, watching her, a crease appearing between her eyebrows. Maya sensed the change in atmosphere and waited patiently. "You know you can always talk to me, right? About everything. Doesn't matter what."

A soft smile spread on Maya's lips. "I know, Mama."

"Okay, good. Just remember that." She smiled briefly. "Sleep well. No plans tomorrow so you can sleep in if you want.''

''Okay." Maya settled down and scrunched her nose playfully when Natasha kissed her forehead. "Love you.''

''Love you too, honey.'' She turned away rather quickly to try and hide her watering eyes. So many people had shown their kindness to her today, and she realized how lucky she was with all these people who she called family.

Briefly, she ran downstairs to lock everything down and turn off the lights. After that, there was no longer denying the painful truth.

With the doorknob to her own bedroom in her hand, she took a deep breath in and out before slipping in silently.

To her relief, Katya was fast asleep. On the opposite side of the bed she left her. The covers were a mess, kicked around and tangled together from all her tossing and turning.

Natasha had never brushed her teeth and changed so fast, every whimper coming from the bed urging her on to be faster. Which she did manage, around one AM.

Katya's muscles were tense, a frown between her eyebrows, and Natasha knew from her previous anxiety-filled weeks or months, that she'd wake up countless times tonight.

This was one of the worst states she had ever been in. But Natasha's heart mended a tiny bit when Katya managed to find her in her sleep, clutching on to her waist and placing her head on her chest. 

Natasha did not sleep that night, as predicted. Instead, she lay awake, staring at the ceiling, her eyes shooting to her wife every time she shifted or made a noise. Countless times, she pulled Katya tighter to her body, successfully easing her frown a bit. Until a couple minutes passed and it etched its way into her face again.

She went over everything that happened over the past few months, weeks, days. What happened that day in the Red Room. She looked for any clues she had missed that Katya was crumbling under the knowledge of who her family was. She thought back to when Katya lied straight to her face about discussing this with Eliza. 

Never once did she feel the slightest bit angry. No, she just wanted to understand, to put the pieces together, and to figure out how she was going to help her this time. It would start by kicking her sister out of the house to create peace. And then she thought about Clint's offer.

Maya had been begging to go see her cousins at Uncle Clint's farm, so a week at his place wasn't such a bad idea. Katya would protest and say it wasn't necessary. But this was no longer about what she wanted. This was about what she needed.

Which meant a lot of discussions, dragging Katya to Eliza, forcing her to eat and shower. And reassurances. A lot of those. A lot.

But she was prepared to do all that and more. Everything in her power and outside of it. Moving heaven and Earth if that was what it took. Natasha had done crazier stuff for strangers. And she'd do absolutely anything to help her wife.

~~~~~~~~

A/N: this hurt to write, not gonna lie. I am warning you now that it won't be much better for a while. Anyway, hope you enjoyed and I will see you on Monday :)