May 30, 2024

Katya suppressed a sigh when her phone rang. Again. After dropping Maya off at school, the very empty kitchen cabinets had forced her to stop at the grocery store on the way home instead of putting it off for another week. Currently, a very colorful wall of cereal boxes challenged her patience, their line-up different from last time. But it was hard to focus when her lovely wife called for the third time to add something to the grocery list.

It always went like this. Before Katya would leave, Natasha would confirm that everything she needed was on the grocery list, even after excessively being asked for confirmation, only to text and call a dozen times when she was gone.

Occupied with cereal boxes, her hands scrambled to tap twice on her AirPods, hating the interruption of a good rock song. ''Yes, Natalia?'' The brunette mused, not surprised when Natasha completely ignored her tone and rambled her first question like she was a telemarketing worker.

''What snacks do you have in the cart?''

''The usual,'' Katya replied vaguely, only to pester her some. In a desperate attempt to multitask, her eyes flickered between the boxes in her hands and the dozens of other options on the shelves. Maya liked the incredibly sugary ones, which were so unhealthy that her teeth nearly crumbled on the spot.

''Which is...?''

A low hum vibrated in her throat, raking the dozens of colorful packages in her cart to find the unhealthy stuff that was reserved for the weekend only. Not many rules in their house, but soda and snacks were for Friday and Saturday nights. ''Salty chips, M&Ms, some of those gummies Maya likes.'' And Natasha's favorite chocolates, but those were a surprise.

''Hm, okay.''

An amused smile flashed across Katya's features, turning back to the cereal display while an older gentleman in the aisle looked at her weirdly for seemingly talking to the air. ''Did you call me just to ask that?''

''I wanted to make sure you didn't forget,'' Natasha answered nonchalantly, distracted. At least, that's what it sounded like. But there was something else she was too proud to say, a hidden drive for her behavior.

Katya chuckled, throwing the correct box of cereal in her cart and pushing it further while taking a glance at the shopping list. Apparently, the next thing on her list was... cat treats. Spoiled black monster. ''Darling, I love you, but every time I do groceries, this happens.'' To stop the boomer from seeing her as an insane asylum patient, she nodded at him with a kind smile as she passed. ''You call me at least three times for nothing.''

''This wasn't for nothing. Snacks are important.''

The angry pout was unmistakably audible in her tone, dumbly denying the crimes she was accused of instead of surrendering. Katya shook her head with amusement, crossing from aisle seven into six. ''Do you need anything else? Last chance. After I hang up, I'm not gonna answer the phone again.''

''Rude.''

Once more, an airy chuckle fell from her lips, finger reaching for the right AirPod. ''I'll see you at home.'' But before it could tap the device, a soft voice broke through the line.

''Don't take too long. I miss you.''

There it was. The real reason she called. Admitted it in the very end.

A warmth flooded Katya's chest, feeling her surroundings fall away as it was just her and her wife she couldn't see. ''I will be home as soon as I can. I promise.''

When no more declarations of love came from Natasha, Katya ended the call and enjoyed the return of the deep rhythmic bass blasting in her eardrums. Her lovestruck brain fog caused her to walk straight past the cat treats, backtracking like an idiot with a dumb smile carved into her face. Natasha was adorable, but also adorably annoying sometimes. It's a good thing her other qualities made up for that.

Quickly, she gathered the rest of the groceries and paid after dealing with the star struck employee behind the register. The store must have hired a new one, because this was their usual supermarket and the normal employees had gotten used to seeing an Avenger.

After lifting the three shopping bags into the trunk of the Audi - much handier than her own car for this sort of stuff - Katya drove home. It was another sunny day, and she was that light kind of happy that life blessed her with more often recently. Natasha wanted to look at holiday houses later, trying to narrow down their list of demands, which made her bubble with excitement.

Her fingers tapped on the steering wheel, along to the rhythm of the music blasting from the speakers. Anything to dull the impatience caused by a red light at the first intersection. The worst part about living in a huge city: the traffic. Though she didn't hate it. Driving gave her a moment of privacy and a chance to recharge.

At green, her foot floored the gas pedal, sending the Audi forwards, eager to get home and shower Natasha with love to cure her separation anxiety.

She remembered being confused that something approached her from the right at high speed, her hands throwing the wheel to the left in a reflex, a desperate attempt to get away from the torpedo launched into her side. But that was the last thing before her brain succumbed to the darkness.

Natasha

Natasha swore her world stopped when the hospital receptionist told her the news.

''Mrs Romanoff-Petrova? Your wife has been in a car accident.''

How she got to the hospital herself, she didn't remember. Somehow, her body knew how to drive and steer and not crash Katya's beautiful sports car into anything. She ran on adrenaline only, her heart pounding in her ears so loud that it felt like club music on a Friday night. Her head wasn't on this planet, completely zoned out as she raced to be with her partner.

I will be home as soon as I can. I promise.

Were those the last words she'd ever hear from her? Please, don't let them be.

Her heavy footsteps stormed up to the reception desk, demanding attention from absolutely everyone in the grand hall. ''Where is she? Where the fuck is she?'' She was blinded by worry, clouding her mind and actions while her hands uncontrollably trembled. Nothing mattered except her wife. She needed to see her to draw her own conclusions on the severity of it all.

A startled nurse pointed her in the right direction, so off Natasha went, blindly running through the hallways while dodging visitors, doctors, nurses and gurneys like they were rugby players. Hospitals gained the hatred of her entire heart and soul, yet she found herself in them more often than she'd like.

Over the years, Katya had been in every broken state possible, both mind and body. Broken legs and ribs, stab wounds, concussions, bruises, collapsed lungs. But it never got any easier to see, and nothing prepared Natasha for the next time.

So, when she threw the door of the private room open, her heart shattered to pieces once more.

Only the upper part of Katya's body was visible above the thin covers, clad in a thin paper hospital dress, but her right arm was in a cast, a huge bruise on the left side of her face, a split eyebrow, swollen lips, and dried blood in her dark hair, which contrasted extremely against the sharp white covers and her pale face. There was no saying what hid under the covers or underneath her skin, but if the top part was any indication, it couldn't be good.

She looked like a damn ghost.

Tears jumped into Natasha's green eyes as she hurried up to the monitors to read Katya's vitals, her trembling finger hovering above the screen to follow the lines. They were blurry at first, but after she impatiently blinked, they got clear enough to read. Heartbeat was strong, blood pressure alright, rate of breathing okay. Nothing that worried her. But that didn't change the reality. Her wife looked broken and fragile.

Defeated and heartbroken, she sank into the chair next to the bed, making sure not to mess with the IV drip in Katya's hand when she took it in her own. Even that, she did extremely carefully, afraid to break her like her bones suddenly were made of porcelain, like Katya wasn't the strongest person she knew.

Her gaze traveled over the brunette's toned form slowly, her ears constantly listening to the heart monitor to pick up on the earliest signs of calamity. But the beeping stayed consistent and worked surprisingly calming for once. She'd sat here like this so many times before, Katya finding herself hurt in one way or another after almost every mission.

But this was just a simple car accident. She couldn't die from that now, could she? Not after surviving so many violence-based injuries. No, she wasn't allowed to. Natasha wouldn't allow her to die because of something as dumb as this.

''If you just wake up now, I promise I won't be mad,'' she smiled weakly, squeezing Katya's hand as she stared at her closed eyes, willing them to open. ''Okay, maybe a little bit. You did worry me, after all.''

But Katya didn't wake up. Not one muscle in her entire body - except for her heart - moved. If her chest didn't rise and fall, she may as well have been dead.

Natasha bit her lip, dropping her forehead on their intertwined hands and closing her eyes to contain the tears. Nobody to be strong for, she could let them flow if she wanted. But crying meant admitting this was real, and that Katya was indeed so hurt, and she didn't want to go there yet.

Her head whipped up when the door opened, sitting up straight with a sniffle, brushing the tears from her eyes with the back of her free hand. It was just the head doctor coming to tell her the diagnosis. If she'd wanted, she could have read the clipboard at the end of the bed, but her body lacked the energy for that.

''Just tell me what else is broken besides her arm,'' Natasha cut off his pleasantries before he could speak, caressing Katya's hand with her thumb. He must have been talked to rudely by hundreds of worried family members in his career, but she did not have the patience or energy to be kind.

''Surprisingly, nothing.''

Now that, that was surprising, and pushed her to look up at him. Did Katya finally have a bit of luck in her life? She didn't dare to hope yet.

''Not even a concussion,'' he continued, flipping through the pages on the clipboard. ''We did a full MRI, and her brain looks good. We also took multiple X-rays of her ribs, neck, and spine, which also all looks good. Both bones in her right underarm are fractured badly, but it was a clean break, so we managed to set it without needing an operation. There's only a head wound and very bad bruising all over.''

Natasha let out a disbelieving, relieved exhale. It looked much worse than it was. But only a broken arm and a couple bruises were survivable as long as nothing got added to it after Katya woke up. The doctor's prognosis sounded good, but she didn't dare to relax yet. That would be jinxing it.

The doctor put the clipboard back where he found it and checked the machines before sliding his hands into the pockets of his white coat.

''Of course, we cannot say everything with certainty until she wakes up. That can be in an hour, but also a couple days. Her body went through a lot of trauma, it will decide for itself when it wants to wake up.''

When he didn't get an answer, he went to leave, bowing his head as a way of wishing her strength. But that's when Natasha realized that she had no idea what actually happened. All she knew was that there'd been a car accident.

''What happened?''

Slowly, the man backtracked, stopping by the foot end of the white iron hospital bed. ''Another driver ran a red light and hit her car at a ninety-degree angle on the passenger's side in the middle of an intersection. It flipped over. Firemen had to cut her out of it.'' He walked around the bed to Katya's head and used his finger to circle around the bruise on her cheek without touching the skin. ''The bruises indicate that she hit the door and doorframe. We think she was out instantly. She got lucky with the car. That Audi is known for its good airbags and sturdy framework. It saved her from much worse.''

Natasha gave him a curt nod and went back to watching her wife, new tears pricking in her eyes. He got the hint and disappeared, the door falling into the lock behind him, leaving her alone once again. Yes, alone, because even though Katya was right there, it was clear that she wouldn't be waking up any time soon.

Even if Katya supposedly passed out instantly and didn't actively live through the rest of the crash, the mental image alone was enough to shatter Natasha's heart more. She wished she was there, which was stupid, but she wished she was there to pull her out of that car, to hold her until the ambulance arrived. Because she couldn't bear the thought of Katya being stuck all alone, helpless, as the blood poured from her head.

She scooted the chair closer to the bed so she could hold Katya's hand at the same time as sitting comfortably, knowing she'd be here a while. Kicking off her boots, she folded her legs underneath her body and simply watched, listened.

Somehow, the hours passed, though everything stayed the same and neither moved forward nor backwards. Like time didn't exist in here. They were spent mostly inside her head, not moving one inch on that chair. Not to pee, not to get food or water, and sometimes she had to remind herself to blink. What even was hunger? Or hydration? That was the last thing that mattered.

Nurses came in, checked Katya's vitals and IV drip multiple times, and then left with a thoughtful smile Natasha's way. One brought her a paper cup with water, bless her soul, though it slowly turned lukewarm because she forgot all about it.

At half past two, she finally peeled her eyes away from Katya to throw a glance at the clock, only to be shocked into reality when she remembered Maya's school was out at three, which brought her a whole other problem. What to do with Maya?

The answer was simple. Retrieving her phone from her sweatpants - which she only now realized she hadn't changed out of - she scrolled down her contacts before clicking one she was so very thankful for today and any other day.

''May, can you please pick up Maya from school?'' Her bottom lip slipped between her teeth, forcing her voice to stay normal.

''Of course. Is everything okay?'' The woman asked subtly, as if she hadn't heard the distress in her voice. Bless this angel, who went out of her way to pick Maya up at least once a month.

Natasha bounced her knee up and down anxiously, forcing her tears back as she took in Katya's face. No longer a possibility to ignore the truth... ''Kat had an accident,'' she squeezed out.

After that, it went fast. A heartbroken Maya crashed through the door an hour later, followed by a sympathetically smiling Aunt May, carrying some of her own spare clothes and necessities for Natasha to use tonight, because they both knew there was no way she would leave Katya alone.

She gave May a thankful nod before concerning herself over her daughter, who had burst out into tears at the sight of her injured mom. She had stopped next to the bed, taking her form in like Natasha had done, assessing the situation and clearly coming to a conclusion she didn't like.

To a child, this must look even worse. To a child, their parents were supposed to be always fine, a constant stable in their lives. They weren't supposed to be the ones with broken arms and bruises. The kid had that, and the parents were there to take care of them, to make them feel better.

Maya's small shoulders shook with every sob, breaking both women's hearts. She must fear losing another parent like she already had two, fearing repetition of the first years of her life.

Abruptly, her body spun around and fell into Natasha's arms, crying into her shoulder as they were the same height like this, one sitting, one standing.

The redhead rubbed her back reassuringly, shushing her softly in an attempt to calm her down. Time to be strong again, telling Maya it would be okay, that Katya had been through much worse. But she wasn't sure if those words weren't also secretly meant for herself.

''Is she gonna die?'' Maya squeaked out, clinging onto her mom for dear life. Aunt May picking her up from school was a nice surprise, although her entire world collapsed when the woman had told her that Katya was in a car accident, and they were going straight to the hospital.

She had a special connection with Katya that even Natasha couldn't touch. Katya was her savior, that stranger that visited her from the earliest days in the orphanage and had never left her again. She gifted her a happy life, a warm bath to land into, attention, and love after years of not getting enough. Katya was the first person to see her in that huge group of children and decide 'that girl is worth my time and affection'.

Maya loved her mom to pieces. She couldn't leave her already.

''Oh, no, baby. Only her arm is broken, the rest are just bruises. I promise it looks worse than it is,'' Natasha hurried to reassure her, pulling back and tenderly taking Maya's face into her hands, the tears rolling over her thumbs before she could wipe them away. The crushed look in her wide green eyes caused a pain worse than getting stabbed with a knife.

''Then why won't she wake up?''

Natasha swallowed the lump in her throat. ''Sometimes, when your body goes through a lot of pain, your brain gives it rest by sleeping. The mind and the body are closely connected. Kat will wake up when her brain wants to. Only, I can't tell you when that will be.''

Maya shot forwards to crawl onto her lap, into her safe space, folding her small body so it fit under Natasha's chin. There, she cried until her sobs turned into hiccups and her tears dried up. May stayed silent as the redhead rocked her daughter's body gently, rubbing her arm and kissing her head while cursing the gods.

They were the pain-fighting duo by now, continuing to need each other while Katya found herself in a broken state. Not exactly the duo Natasha saw herself become with her daughter, but this was only temporary, and she could hardly complain. They had each other.

At the end of the evening, when visiting hours were long over and Katya was still asleep, Natasha subtly nodded to May. She wanted nothing more than for Maya to stay overnight too, but it was in the girl's best interest to not be here and be confronted with Katya's broken body any longer. She needed a good night's sleep in a warm bed. She needed stability.

But she threw a tantrum in the middle of the hallway when May wanted to take her home. Mind you, this girl had never raised her voice or even gotten really angry before, let alone scream and cry like a three-year-old. But now, her heartbreaking cries were heard throughout the entire section of the building, drawing compassionate looks from passersby.

She was begging Natasha to let her stay, pleading her to let her sleep overnight, urged on by an insane need to keep an eye on Katya, to protect her. ''Mama!'' she cried, reaching for her over May's shoulder while the woman carried her away.

Tears finally tickled down Natasha's cheeks, standing by the door as her daughter disappeared down the hallway. ''I'm sorry, sweetheart. You can't stay here,'' she called after her, her voice close to breaking as the lump in her throat intensified.

''Please!''

''I'll see you tomorrow. I promi-'' Her voice faltered and fell away at the same time Maya disappeared around the corner, her pleads and sobs slowly fading away. The words she'd almost spoken would forever haunt her now.

Exhausted, Natasha dragged her feet back to the chair by the bed and pulled a thin fleece blanket over her body. It smelled like hospital, but for the first time in years, she found herself being cold. In fact, her body wouldn't stop trembling, the tears unable to stop. She pulled her knees to her chest and went back to watching Katya's face intently, the only sensible pastime.

The night nurse came by for the final checkups for the night, making sure Katya was comfortable before shutting off the lights, bathing both wives in darkness. It was only ten PM, but it felt like two weeks and two minutes had passed at the same time. Natasha could no longer tell. She was always a mess whenever Katya was hurt, but never had she been so emotional as today. Maybe it was the fact that they had so much more to lose than just each other this time around. There was much more on the line.

The darkness brought relief, the screens of the machines throwing an eerie glow over Katya's face. She still hadn't moved. Not her eyes, her mouth, or her hands. Nothing.

Natasha's phone buzzed in her pocket for the dozenth time. It had continued to do that the entire day, but she hadn't looked at it once. Her friends must have seen on the news what happened or heard it from someone. May didn't snitch, and Maya also hadn't talked to anyone either, so it was probably on every news channel in the country, showing footage of the car wreck, no doubt.

''Ex-Avenger Katya involved in horrific car accident!''

Sickening.

She'd have ignored her phone again, if it hadn't continuously buzzed for three whole minutes and irritated her to no end. It did not stop at all, and her mind immediately went to four people: Clint, Tony, Wanda, Yelena. One of those had the nerve to bother her. Bless them, but if anyone were to give her pity, she'd yell at them until they cowered back.

With an annoyed groan, she felt around under the blanket and came up with her phone right when the buzzing stopped, briefly seeing it was indeed Clint who'd rung her. She had twenty missed calls from him and Laura, about a dozen from Tony and Wanda, and a couple more from Sam, Yelena and Bucky. Her texts were up to a hundred and more.

''Laura and I are thinking of you guys. Please, update me as soon as you can.''

''Tasha, please call me.''

''You don't have to do this alone.''

''We're worried. Please, call us back.''

Clint. All of them.

The others were very similar. People begging her to call them back, or at least let them know Katya was okay. They were offering their help and support, but that was useless to her. Nobody could help Katya, not even her. All they could do was helplessly sit around and wait until her brain decided it was time to wake up.

To calm them down, though, she sent the same message to all of them.

''Kat's okay. Broken arm, bruised, but the rest looks okay. Still out.''

Immediately, she got texts back. Her friends had been desperately waiting and hoping for updates. If she could smile, she would now.

''Thank you for the update. Hoping she wakes up soon. Sending love.''

Laura.

After that, Natasha silenced her phone and threw it on the weird nightstand cabinet next to Katya's bed. May was the sweetest and had brought over a toothbrush and paste, a sweater and a shirt and some clean socks, along with a sandwich she must have made herself. Slowly, Natasha nibbled on it, realizing just how hungry she was.

The adrenaline kept her awake the whole night. But if it hadn't been that, it would have been the constant beeping. Or the uncomfortable chair. She'd folded her legs under her body awkwardly, but the armrests always dug into them or into her sides painfully. She guessed nobody was allowed to sleep in here usually, but they hadn't dared to send her away.

Her mind only had one thing on it, all centered around the unconscious woman in the bed across from her. Picturing herself in Katya's place when that car hit hers, then imagining the crash from the point of view of an onlooker, worst case scenarios of what internal injuries they hadn't managed to find yet, Maya's cries echoing in her ears.

A little past three-thirty AM, the heart monitor registered a skipped beat, then started to beep suddenly faster. Instantly, Natasha's feet were on the ground, grasping Katya's hand into her own, only to feel the fingers jerk.

It had taken her seventeen hours to wake up.

The muscles in Katya's cheeks twitched, then the ones around her eyes, followed by a hard swallow. Natasha thought she was going to explode with impatience until Katya peeled her eyes open in a daze, her face contorting into pain for only a millisecond until she got used to it. 

A fog covered her vision, but when it cleared, her instincts immediately kicked in. They forced her wide awake and alert, shocking her back into reality as she tried to determine her surroundings in a panic upon not recognizing it. Her gaze quickly snapped to the other presence in the room, shooting up to meet Natasha's eyes as her body flinched because of the closeness.

The redhead's body deflated, a huge weight lifted off her shoulders. She couldn't go without her life's partner. Not even seventeen of the scariest hours of her recent life. They had been torture. And she hadn't realized how much worry and anxiety she had bottled up until now.

''I am so mad at you,'' she started, letting go of Katya's hand and starting her pacing. Her trembling hands ran through her hair, tugging her braid out. ''Why do you keep doing this to me, Kat? Do you know how scared I was when I got a call from the hospital, telling me you've been in an accident? I thought the worst. I thought I had to raise our daughter alone.''

Pure worry, combined with the intense fear of losing her wife, clouded her mind, a crease between her brows as that worry turned into anger. Though she wasn't actually angry, not at all. Her body just needed a way to release the tension and adrenaline.

When no sarcastic remark came from Katya, something like 'good to be back', Natasha looked down to see her empty expression, a blank stare. That's when she realized she may be a bit loud for someone who just came back to reality.

She sighed, carefully sitting on the edge of the bed and enclosing Katya's hand in her own. It seemed to ground her, keep her mind from spinning. ''I'm sorry. This time, it is your arm. I'm just worried where the next injury is gonna be.'' She shook her head as she hung it, whispering vulnerably, ''I can't lose you again.''

Katya blinked slowly, clearing her very dry throat. After gratefully taking a sip of the glass of water Natasha handed her, she spoke up. Her voice came out scratchy, but it was the message that tore Natasha's world down once more.

''I'm sorry, but... Who are you?''

One pair of broken green eyes widened. ''Katya?'' she breathed. If Natasha hadn't been so self-absorbed and jumped to the conclusion that her wife was fine even before hearing her speak, she would have noticed the confused and distant look in her eyes. But now that she did, she wondered how she could have missed it.

''Is that my name?'' Katya's brows knotted together, and Natasha could see the gears in her head turn, to no avail. The shock hadn't yet set in, she was too calm, the glimmer in her eyes only related to slight bewilderment. ''I guess it is.''

Natasha slowly shook her head, leaning backwards as her heart started to pound. Did the room spin, or was it her? ''This is not funny.''

''I'm not- I'm not joking.'' Her gaze flickered to her hospital bracelet, reading the name on it. ''Katya Romanoff-Petrova.'' It rolled off her tongue like it was something unfamiliar, and Natasha saw her brows furrow more as she spotted the wedding ring around her finger.

As if she put two and two together, her gaze then landed on Natasha's hand, seeing the same band. Already looking for clues, for things to hold on to. Can take the girl out of the spy world, but not the spy world out of the girl.

''We're married,'' she concluded, carefully peering up at Natasha. ''Petrova?''

So she didn't even know what part of that merged name was originally hers. This was worse than Natasha thought. Much, much worse.

The only thing she could do was gape at her, lips parted in shock, blood rushing to her head until it buzzed in her ears. Without consciously deciding to do so, Natasha found herself shaking her head, looking down at her own ring. Katya's eyes were too painful to look at. They held no trace of their usual affection, only their standard softness which everyone received. No more looks of adoration until the redhead felt her bones were melting. 

''That's your last name. Well, it was. You insisted on merging our names instead of taking mine, because never again did you want to be someone's property,'' she rambled breathlessly, not believing this was happening. Her mouth was moving, but her brain was still trying to comprehend everything.

Katya nodded slowly, taking in that information. It must hurt her neck and head, but the physical pain got discarded to the background until further notice. ''What's your name?''

The redhead was in a trance, a disbelieving, world-shaking trance. ''Natasha. But you are the only one who calls me by my birth name. Natalia. Natalia Romanova.'' She choked on the last part, voice breaking before the last syllable.

This did it for her, having to tell her own wife her name like they were complete strangers. But to Katya, Natasha was.

Their magical afternoon in the flower field two days ago? Completely erased from memory. And if Katya didn't remember, then did it even happen?

Natasha pushed off the bed to pace, running her trembling hands through her hair and balling her fists to tug at her roots. ''Jesus. This is not happening. This can't be happening,'' she muttered under her breath, the reality of it all finally settling in. Life officially hated them. Why could they never be happy? Why always them?

Tears burned behind her eyes, breath high in her throat as she fought off dry sobs and the salty water wishing to tip over her waterline. It hurt her throat and cheeks, a ridiculous urge to hide her weakness from the one person she trusted with it. Yet the downward spiral her thoughts found themselves in, sucked her down the road of surrender, about to release those suppressed signs of agony.

But her stress triggered Katya's anxiety. The heart monitor started beeping fast, panicky tears gathering in the brunette's eyes, her hurting muscles locking up. The only person existing in her very small world where everything beyond this room was blurry, was panicking too.

''Natalia, why can't I remember anything? I don't remember anything. It's all-'' she gasped for a deep breath, which hurt her ribs immensely, causing her to panic because she couldn't breathe, sending her heart into a frenzy. Her frantic eyes looked for help, this completely unfamiliar chest-tightening feeling washing over her.

Natasha immediately shot back to the bed, using her softest voice to calm her down while her hands itched to grab Katya's cheeks - which she could no longer do. Instead, they flailed around uselessly until her palms landed on the blinding white sheets.

''Hey, hey, breathe. You're okay. I'll explain everything. You're not alone.'' Katya's lost expression was a stab in her chest. She hadn't looked this lost in a long time. She looked small. ''You're prone to panic attacks, so I need you to stay calm. Everything will be okay.''

It seemed that she still had the same effect on her, because Katya closed her eyes and slowly got her breathing back to normal. Tears stuck to her long eyelashes, the corners of her mouth pulled downwards, slightly trembling. Natasha hurt for her, worried for her, cursed whatever force pulled Katya's strings for putting her through something traumatic again. 

''I'm so sorry, Natalia,'' she squeezed out, shaking her head as she opened her eyes and sniffed her tears away. Below the giant bruise on her left cheek had emerged a pink tint from crying.

Carefully, Natasha gave a small smile and took her hand. She wouldn't have been offended at all if Katya pulled it back, but a slither of happiness surged through her veins when she enclosed her fingers around her own. ''Nat. Call me Nat. You rarely use my full name unless you're mad or really emotional,'' she managed to say, voice only slightly high-pitched now.

Katya nodded slowly. ''I'm so sorry, Nat, but I don't have any idea who you are, or what happened.'' She must be so scared and confused, waking up in a hospital with a strange woman on her bed, a broken arm and a whole body that hurt. Only then, Natasha realized how disheveled she must look herself. Not a perfect first impression of trustworthiness.

''Do you want me to tell you the basics?'' She offered, to which Katya nodded again. So, she cleared her throat and watched their intertwined hands to catch her train of thought. Which was not easy at all. Her head was chaos, a million different things running through her sleep-deprived brain.

Get yourself together, Nat. Your wife needs you to be stable.

''Okay, ehm. You were on your way back home from the grocery store when someone ran a red light and hit your car. Hard. I've seen it, it's totally destroyed.'' She swallowed thickly, trying her best not to cry again as she recalled the pictures she'd eventually looked up. ''You were on your way home to me, to our house just outside New York City. We have an eleven-year-old daughter, Maya, who has been very upset about everything.'' She could still hear the girl's cries. ''You must have hit your head harder than the doctors thought, if you don't remember anything. Other than that, only your arm is broken. The rest of your body is only bruised.''

It stayed silent for a moment, the words seeping into Katya's fast-working brain. The silence wasn't uncomfortable, but it felt weird, unfamiliar. Katya wasn't used to their traditions anymore. Of choosing the silence before unnecessary talking.

But despite the trauma her brain went through, her blue irises were clear as ever, washed clean by the tears stuck to her cheeks. Everything Natasha had told her, registered, as proven by the way she scanned the redhead's face for honesty and truth while she tried to remember.

In her head, she must be placing and connecting the couple of the puzzle pieces she'd been given, starting the puzzle without knowing how many pieces there'd be or what it would look like in the end.

''I don't remember any of that,'' she whispered eventually, right when Natasha started to grow uneasy underneath her piercing gaze. Filled with guilt, her eyes dropped towards her lap. ''I'm so sorry, it sounds like you love me a lot.''

''Don't apologize. It's not your fault. None of it is.''

Katya must have heard the pain in her voice, because she squeezed her hand gently. And despite her own agony, she reassured, ''Don't worry, Nat. We will figure it out. I'll get my memory back.''

~~~~~~~~

A/N: part one of angst! I think this mostly affects Nat, but you'll see what I mean with that next week :)