June 29, 2024

A week later, things were looking up even more. After that initial nightly breakdown, nothing significant had happened mentally, and Katya had even gotten her cast off early. The feeling of finally being able to close her right hand again had her cheering, and the first thing she did was run her palm over her wife's smooth, warm skin and properly intertwine their fingers.

The situation between both Russians was amazing, possibly better than before - if that was possible. Natasha had gotten a wakeup call because of the accident, a reminder of how easily she could still lose her wife. That bone-shaking fear she felt that day gave her a kick in the butt. She would not leave Katya's side, her clingy, adorable self asking for hugs and cuddles any given time of day.

It came to the point where they were practically attached at the hip and Maya mocked her mama for being so clingy. That usually ended with Natasha telling her something along the lines of 'shut up' and Maya reminding her that she used to be a badass spy who now couldn't go five seconds without her wife. The girl knew exactly how to get her mom worked up, smirking to herself when Natasha's pout only deepened as she cuddled further into a laughing Katya.

Needless to say, Katya was glad to be back.

Nevertheless, today was already a big day for her so soon after getting her memories back. A very big day. One in the planning for months. And her anxiety didn't agree with it - when did it agree with her?

She woke up trembling and out of breath, having hot and cold flashes underneath her warm covers in her semi-dark bedroom. Her heart pounded in her chest as she tried desperately to regulate her breathing, an annoyed but pained groan falling from her lips without her permission, hating the world and her mind for making her life so difficult.

Curling up into a ball, she blindly reached for Natasha for comfort, only to remember that she was long gone, driving Maya to a friend's. Right now, Katya cursed herself for not joining them, retracting her hand towards her chest to attempt to find comfort within herself. Going with could have possibly prevented this. Or help would have been closer than on the other side of a phone call.

It would never be one hundred percent easy to ask for help, to "bother" Natasha purely for selfish reasons. But these days, she didn't hesitate longer than a minute to call her wife for help. Months ago, she'd have tried to fix it herself first - without success - only making it worse. She needed to hear her favorite voice, get it to pull her out of her worries.

It took only one ring for the call to connect, her shaking hand holding the phone by her ear with her eyes closed. The first thing she heard was the classical car sounds, that typical humming and the aircon, though Natasha's voice was clear as day when she spoke. God bless FRIDAY.

''Hey, honey,'' she said cheerfully, a clear smile on her face. Katya's heart clenched at the sound of it. She had no idea her mood was about to crash down.

The brunette's mind had completely blanked. The only thing she could croak out was a shaky, ''Nat?''

A beat of silence fell, one in which she could sense Natasha's face falling on the other side of the call. The spy did not need much more information than that single word to know what was going on and why Katya called. And the next time she responded, her mind had already shot into protective wife mode.

She had a tone of voice for these things. Katya didn't know if she knew that herself, but her voice fell into this certain serene and smooth tone that brought so much comfort and security by itself despite the words being said. Like a warm blanket that pulled her under, or a slow song from a person's favorite singer whose voice simply enveloped them completely.

Patiently, Natasha worked her through her episode and stayed on the phone the entire drive over, only disconnecting when she got out of the car. Katya heard her kick off her shoes by the front door and take the stairs two at a time, pushing through the bedroom door not a second later. The brunette was doing a lot better by now, her anxiety down to a manageable level, but Natasha still crawled into bed and hugged her close.

Her whole body deflated into safety, digging her face into Natasha's chest as her hands fisted her shirt tightly. Hands slipped into her hair - lightly scratching at her scalp - and underneath her shirt, caressing her back. Everything smelled like Natasha, the scent infiltrating her senses until she was the only thing Katya was aware of. She was caught in a cage of limbs, a prison that allowed her to breathe instead of suffocated her.

''Thank you,'' she whispered, pushing her tears back. They weren't from panic, but thankfulness. 'Thanks' would never cover what she felt, but she had given up on trying to find other words for it.

Natasha knew better than to continue on the topic, pulling back to give Katya the kindest of smiles. ''Breakfast?'' The thought of food made her want to throw up, but still she nodded and let Natasha make her toast with jam, the only thing she could eat when her stomach was all knotted up with anxiety.

Afterwards, she pulled her most comforting sweater on - the one with the long sleeves she could play with - and let Natasha drive her to the lunch café in the middle of the city. It was noon now, the sun high, but Katya kept shivering. Classical anxiety jitters.

Natasha started to ramble about random stuff as a distraction and Katya didn't stop her, so she kept going until she parked the car down the street from the café. That's when they both fell silent. She had to admit to being nervous herself. But not for her, for Katya. Today's meetup could either mend wounds or rip the scab off and leave it bleeding again.

Through the window, Katya watched the grand terrace of the café. It wasn't too full yet. Maybe a third of the tables had people around them. But the weather was gorgeous, so she had picked outside to sit. It would make her feel less imprisoned, help with the pressure on her chest. Easier to run away when already outside.

Besides, she wanted to do this on neutral grounds, and this cafe had some of the best sandwiches in town.

Her knee bounced up and down, fingers fiddling with each other restlessly. And Natasha let her have her moment, sitting in the driver's seat patiently and unmoving. She was long proud they made it this far, that Katya dared to take this next step. Her wife was never one to sit in a corner and accept the situation, always wanting to push forward and improve.

"I think I'm gonna throw up."

Instantly, Natasha reached over and slipped her hand between those two restless ones. They felt cold, as usual, and didn't move as she squeezed one of them. "Breathe. In through your nose, out your mouth."

Katya finally peeled her eyes away and redirected them to the woman next to her, a bolt of realization shooting through her when she realized Natasha was seeing Antonia too. Sure, from a distance, but her wife possibly had more trouble facing the young girl she almost blew up for selfish reasons. If she was anxious too, she didn't show it.

"Can you just come with me?" she pleaded, although she was the one to say that she needed to do this alone. And those were the words Natasha echoed back to her. Sometimes, it was annoying how perfect she was.

"You need to do this on your own, baby,'' she apologized with a shake of her head. It wasn't always possible to hold Katya's hand, literally and figuratively, no matter how badly she wanted to. Because trust her, those sad and desperate puppy eyes almost pushed her over the edge.

Katya's shoulders slumped, a sigh leaving her lips. It was worth a try. ''Let's get this over with, then.''

Slipping away from Natasha's hands, she got out of the car and waited for the redhead to join her before walking to the terrace. They decided she should keep an eye on the situation. Be there but not be super close. Close enough in case things went wrong, but far enough so it felt like a private conversation.

Natasha stopped by the first table they reached, on the far end of the terrace, along the sidewalk. Demonstrative, she grasped the back of the chair and pulled it backwards. This was where she'd sit. But the thought of splitting up made Katya's stomach churn again.

With her softest smile, Natasha took her hands. ''I'll be right here. If you need me, I'll be only ten seconds away. Five if I run." She smiled wider when Katya managed a chuckle, lifting her hands and planting a kiss on the back of them. "Just be yourself."

Katya gave her a curt nod, managing the smallest teasing smile. ''Enjoy your solo lunch.''

''I will,'' Natasha chuckled, letting her hands go and nodding for her to go.

Katya's face fell once she realized she was truly on her own now, swallowing thickly before finally turning away. She picked a table for two on the other side of the terrace, choosing to sit with her back to her wife. If she hadn't, she'd be too distracted and have the urge to run over at any given minute.

Natasha's eyes burned into the back of her head as she ordered a tea while waiting for her guest. She was a bit early on purpose, to choose a good place to sit, but that wasn't helping her nerves, her foot wiggling up and down endlessly.

Every second that passed felt like an hour. She busied herself with blowing on her hot tea, stirring it for ages, and watching the people pass on the sidewalk. One little girl - around the age of four - made her smile when she waved. But that joy faded quickly as she checked her watch, and a wave of anxiety stabbed her stomach.

It was exactly twelve thirty, and a spy was always exactly on time.

That's when a shadow fell over her table.

With a jerk of her head, Katya snapped to look up at the brunette woman, squinting against the bright sun to make out the rest of her face. Shadows were cast over it, but the second their eyes met, her heart skipped a beat. It had been years since she had looked into those.

Katya caught herself staring, entranced by her only confirmed living relative. She mentally slapped herself for being so stupid, and then shot out of her seat with a wide smile. "Hi."

"Hello," Antonia responded softly, very shy, very skittish. Her posture held little confidence, instead looking like she wanted to disappear into the shadows, where she'd always been.

An awkward second passed. One where they both weren't sure what to do or say next. They simply stood in front of each other next to the table.

Katya finally cleared her throat, gesturing between them with her shaking hands. "Do you do... hugs?" Her eyes squinted teasingly, trying to lessen the tension, and it seemed to work a bit at least, because Antonia's one good eye lit up slightly.

"You asked me the same thing last time. But sure."

So carefully, Katya brought her in. Short, with a light grip, but sometimes people didn't know how badly they needed a hug until they were in one. Antonia's body never relaxed though. All her muscles were locked tightly in place, ready to fight or flee. Katya decided to not torture her for long and gestured to sit on the free chair.

While she called over the waiter, she studied Antonia from the corner of her eye. The other brunette was uneasy. She saw that in everything. Her whole posture was tense, eyes shooting around in alarm. She even jumped when the waiter suddenly appeared and asked what she wanted to drink, handing them the menus afterwards.

"You can relax,'' Katya spoke softly when the waiter was gone. ''Natalia is right over there, nothing's happening." Antonia didn't look up to find the redhead, leaving Katya to believe that she had spotted her a long time ago.

"I'm sorry. I'm not used to crowds yet," she apologized, embarrassed, briefly glancing up from her menu.

Katya smiled, slowly feeling her anxiety start to settle. "That's okay. I should have picked something quieter, my bad." The park, maybe. Or a cafe on the edge of the city, in one of the quieter districts. She cursed herself for not being more thoughtful.

But Antonia shook her head. "No, I like this. I like the city, watching the people, learning their behavior. I just don't like the stares." It was clear what she was referring to. She must have left her hair loose for a reason.

Katya scrunched up her nose, trailing her gaze over the menu. "Oh, ugh, fuck them." Eyes widening slightly, Antonia stared at her, surprised by the outburst. Only then did Katya realize what she'd said, giving a sheepish smile. "Sorry. But let them stare. People will always stare at something that's different, and I think you're beautiful."

Antonia had no clue what to do with that compliment. Her gaze dropped to her menu and Katya swore she was flustered, trying to hide behind the plastic-coated piece of paper. Luckily, the waiter returned with Antonia's tea and asked for their sandwich orders, preventing either of them from having to respond.

Katya's knee continued to bounce underneath the table. It was still very hard to grasp that this was her full cousin. Her only living family member. Or at least the only one she'd ever know about. No way to find other relatives.

Once the waiter was gone again, taking the menus with her, the silence returned. It crawled over Katya's skin. She needed to say something, and fast. "I'm sorry. I'm just nervous I guess, not sure where to start, or what you want to talk about."

Antonia stared at the plastic tabletop, messing with her teacup in any way possible to have something to do. "I don't want to talk about the past. I want to look forward." She sounded so sure of that, that Katya didn't protest.

"Sounds good. No history talk then.'' She shifted in her seat, leaning forward and placing her elbows on the table, lifting her tea with both hands. Natasha's eyes were still prodding in the back of her head, although it was only occasionally. ''Are you living by yourself?"

Antonia slowly shook her head, her eyes flickering to Katya's engagement ring. "With two other Widows we freed. They help me adjust to life. It's going very slowly." A passing couple laughed, her attentive eyes immediately shooting towards them, afraid of a threat.

"Yes, society is difficult to understand and settle into. Gotta learn the rules of the people." Katya smiled softly. She'd lived outside of society for years herself and was still confused by some things.

As if she was surprised to have found someone who could relate, Antonia's eyes snapped up. "And there are a lot of unwritten rules I had no idea about. Did you know you're supposed to let people off the metro first before getting on? I got rude looks." She rambled it all in one go, like the nerves had suddenly fallen away.

"You'll get used to those." Katya laughed, finally feeling like this meetup would be fine if they just continued to joke around a bit. After all, it felt quite familiar with Antonia.

But when her laugh died out and she had taken another sip of her tea, she looked back at her cousin only to find her studying her intently.

The unease in Katya's body came back, not sure where to look when those insanely alert dark eyes - or eye - watched her every expression. Something on her face or in her laugh must have triggered a thought or memory in Antonia's brain. The other brunette was unable to look away. It seemed nobody taught her that staring was rude.

"You have her eyes."

Caught off guard, Katya's brows furrowed, genuinely having no idea what she spoke about. "I'm sorry, what?"

Antonia seemed to cower back once she realized what had slipped past her lips, but it was too late to turn back now. Her gaze trained on the table again, slightly stressed, "Your mother. Irina. She had the same blue eyes. Odd color, that's why I remember them."

Katya swore her heart stopped. The city sounds around her rang in her ears, merging into one buzzing sound that no longer pierced the trance she found herself in. Her body went rigid, a complete blackout happening in her brain. She was the rude one now, gaping at Antonia in complete disorientation.

"But you never knew her. How do you know?" Her voice was a mere breath, and she couldn't remember forming those sentences before speaking. Some part of her brain apparently still worked as her heartbeat pounded in her ears.

"He kept a picture in his wallet." Antonia's shoulders stiffened in regret. Regret of running her mouth and mentioning him. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said-" But Katya cut her off with a rushed shake of her head.

"No, it's okay." For some reason, she didn't shy away from this topic. In fact, she was hungry for more, more information from this person who knew what it was like, who could relate to what Katya felt. Shame of family.

The waiter interrupted shortly, placing their sandwiches down and wishing they would 'enjoy their meal'. Neither Russian made a single move to start eating, though. Katya never even touched her plate, staring at Antonia without actually seeing her. This conversation was much more important than a meal.

Katya wondered if Natasha had figured out by now what they spoke about. She must be worried, right? Everyone could sense the weird tension. Frankly enough, though, she was actually glad her wife wasn't next to her. This was something between the two cousins to discuss.

Without a word, Antonia reached for the duffle bag next to her chair that Katya only just noticed. Her brain was not working with her this afternoon.

She zipped it open and pulled something out, just one thing, which she placed between their plates and slowly pushed towards Katya. Doubt and caution were written on her face. In fact, insecurity radiated off her like heat from the sun. Katya was boiling in her sweater.

"I found it in one of his safe deposit boxes. He has them all over the world and they were left to me."

The shaking in Katya's hands had intensified when she went to pick up the picture. What, or rather who, stared back at her was her own mother. No doubt about it. She neither had a memory of her nor ever seen a picture of her, but her gut feeling just knew.

Katya teared up, studying the gorgeous woman in the old photograph. Her smile, her long hair, her fair skin. It was just her in the picture, and the background was too bland and dark to give any indication of where it was taken, but it was everything and more than she ever hoped for.

"She's beautiful," she whispered, the loudest her voice could get without breaking. She was almost forty, and finally saw her mother's face for the first time.

Antonia started to panic at her tears. "Should I call for Nat-?"

"No, no, I'm fine. Give me a moment," Katya quickly shut her down, taking a deep breath to compose herself and get her vision less blurry. Slowly, a careful smile curled on her lips. "She's naturally brunette. I knew blonde wasn't meant for me. God, she looks so kind."

Antonia settled down, looking at the picture along with her. It may have been upside down, but she made a comment that had Katya believe she'd studied it before. "She has a kind look in her eyes," she commented softly.

And Katya couldn't agree more, nodding. "Like you're staring straight into her soul. Nat has that too." She was unable to peel her eyes away from the picture. It was rude, not looking at someone when speaking, but she believed Antonia forgave her this time. "Thank you so much for this. You don't realize how much this means to me."

"I found no pictures of your father, and no mention of him. But I did find some of your mother's stuff." Katya's head finally shot up, causing Antonia to shrink again. "There wasn't only money and pictures in those boxes. He kept some of her stuff. Some diaries. They're in Russian but maybe it has information on your father.''

This was everything Katya had ever wanted. To know more, to have information, any information. Something to fill that huge dark black hole in her memory and timeline that was her mom. Because before today, all she had was an 'I don't know'.

"Do you have her stuff?"

Antonia nodded, slightly lifting the bag before lowering it to the ground again. "It's all in here. Everything I've found so far."

"I just...'' Katya let herself fall back in her chair, blowing out a deep, shaky breath. This was overwhelming, to say the least. Imagine how many things she'd be able to find in those diaries. ''I don't know what to say. You're out here doing all of this for me, while you're so busy with yourself too. I appreciate this so so much. Thank you. So much."

Shyly, Antonia answered, her voice soft and vulnerable as she stared at her untouched sandwich. "You saved me. You set me free. And you're my only family. I want to give back." She was such a sweet woman. The world had done her so wrong.

"Can we finally start to accept that word then?" Katya tried carefully. The last thing she wanted today was to push things. Not after everything that had already happened. But maybe she should stop being so afraid all the time and take risks. Mental risks. The Russia trip, she had handled so well, it should give her a confidence boost.

Antonia knew exactly what Katya spoke about. "Kузина (Cousin)?" She tried softly.

Katya smiled. "Exactly. I would like nothing more, because I have a very excited eleven-year-old daughter who wants to meet you more than anything. She lost all her family herself and wants to connect with her new one as much as possible." Maya would flip - in a good way - once she got to meet the famous Antonia.

"I can't wait to meet her." Antonia smiled carefully. The first smile Katya had seen her give. Maybe her first one ever.

They smiled at each other, letting the conversation process in their brains. A little tension was still there, but Katya slowly started to feel more comfortable. The silence that followed therefore didn't make her skin crawl but was pretty welcome.

Carefully, she placed the picture down and pulled her plate closer. She was actually pretty hungry and was happy to see the other woman following her example. ''I hope you can forgive me for not checking in more. This year's been tough, and I'm still pulling myself out of the depths of it,'' she apologized after a minute of comfortable silence and a delicious meal, not sure if Antonia even knew what she spoke about.

But the woman swallowed her bite, giving a tight-lipped smile. ''Yelena tells me stuff. It's alright.'' And she really did seem content with it, but Katya felt slightly guilty.

''Yeah, but... I hope you know that I'm here if you need me. The whole 'blood is thicker than water' thing is bullshit, but I feel like we should stick together regardless.''

It seemed that made Antonia emotional. It was hard to tell, but her eyes softened the smallest bit as she gave a nod. She never had someone who cared, who wished to stick with her for longer than a mission and for another purpose than the completion of it. But Katya cared, she cared a lot.

"Okay."

They chatted some more. Well, Katya talked a lot, actually. She sensed that Antonia wasn't entirely comfortable with the questions she asked, so she indulged in hers blindly and rambled on about Maya and her new job until their sandwiches were gone.

Neither lingered too long after that. Pretty soon after the last bite was gone, Antonia said she had to go. Katya refused to let her pay, saying this was her treat. After all, Antonia paid for this more than she could with that black bag that she symbolically handed over to Katya as they stood to say goodbye.

"Thank you so much for this, and for meeting me. If you ever need anything, you have my number. Please, do call me," Katya pressed. She needed her to believe those words, because it was hard, asking for help. A phenomenon she knew all too well.

Antonia offered a tight smile and a nod. "I will see you soon, Katya."

"You can call me Kat if you want." Katya smiled, seeing her brows furrow.

"Like the animal?"

She let out a little laugh. "Yes, like the animal."

"Okay then," Antonia agreed hesitantly. "Bye, Kat."

"Bye, Tonia."

With another small nod, Antonia turned around and took off, her steps hurried as she became invisible in the crowds. Katya smiled to herself, dropping her head to look at the bag in her hands. It was fairly heavy, which left her to believe there was more than just pictures and journals in there.

There were a million ways she predicted this meeting to go, but none of them included this. Her emotions went through a rollercoaster, her body buzzing with everything at once. The anxiety had completely left, leaving only excitement behind. She couldn't wait to tell Natasha all of this.

A presence immediately joined her side, causing Katya's smile to widen even more. "Took you seven seconds. Speed walked?" She joked, chuckling quietly. But when she looked up, it was clear that Natasha hadn't joined in. Worry and caution was written all over her features, silently questioning what had happened here. "You don't have to ask. There's so much I have to tell you."

Natasha nodded and went ahead to the car, opening Katya's door for her so she could climb in better with that big, heavy bag. ''What's in the bag?''

''That's part of what I have to tell you. Patience,'' Katya teased. Natasha lightly rolled her eyes and closed the door for her, climbing into her own seat afterwards. If she expected an explanation immediately, she was disappointed when Katya stayed silent, unable to pull her gaze away from the bag on her lap.

Eventually, tears pooled in her eyes again, thinking of everything she had learned. Happy tears, relieved tears, whatever other emotions floated inside her body. All she could think about was those bright blue eyes staring straight into her soul from that single piece of shiny paper.

''Baby, you're worrying me,'' Natasha spoke softly, almost pained, glancing at her from the corner of her eyes as she drove.

Katya picked her head up, giving her a reassuring smile. ''Don't. I'm happy,'' she whispered, reaching for her hand and giving it a squeeze.

That calmed Natasha down slightly, though the silence the whole drive home let her make up all kinds of scenarios. She wanted to ask, to press, to know right now what Katya had learned and what was in that mysterious bag. The suspense killed her, but Katya clearly wanted to do this at home, and she respected that.

Luckily, the brunette seemed just as eager and pulled her to the couch after they kicked their shoes off by the front door. Cross-legged, they faced each other, like two little kids during a sleepover, where they'd spill all their secrets on the crushes they had in school.

The bag had been dropped on the floor, next to the piece of furniture. But before Katya pulled anything out, she had to do something about Natasha's tense posture and that permanent frown. With a chuckle, she grabbed her cheeks and pressed a kiss to her lips. Instantly, the redhead melted, kissing her back softly. The knot between her brows disappeared, and she rolled her eyes with a smile when Katya chuckled at her extreme reaction to some simple affection.

Giddy with excitement but also a bit nervous, Katya plucked the picture out of the bag, holding it face-first against her chest to hide it a little bit longer. Natasha's gaze immediately shot towards the piece of paper, her smile fading as she became serious once more. A million and one things shot through her head, coming up with all kinds of guesses as to what it could be. And knowing her, those included some pretty extreme things.

So, Katya decided she tortured her long enough and abruptly shoved the item towards her. "Okay, here." With a giddy smile, she awaited the reaction, chewing on her lip to contain it. There was nobody else she'd rather share this information with first.

The moment Natasha's eyes locked onto the picture, her mouth fell open, completely stunned. It had taken her no longer than a second to figure out who the woman was. "Oh my god,'' she breathed in disbelief, carefully gripping the photo and bringing it closer to study. ''Oh my g- It's your mom."

"You figured that out fast." Katya teased, scooting a bit closer so they could look at the picture together. Her own hands were shaking slightly, but she could see that Natasha's did too.

"Baby, it's like I am looking at a picture of you when I brought you into SHIELD.'' Natasha breathed, taking in every last detail in shock. ''You look so much like her." Despite Irina being only nineteen in the photo, her features slightly round and childish, Katya had to agree. Much of it could be linked to the face she saw every morning in the mirror.

"This was taken right after I was born.'' The date on the back said so. It was nice knowing her birthday was right at least. ''I think weeks, possibly days before she was killed." Her voice faltered at the end. Hopefully, they'd find more about that in the diaries. Easy to pinpoint when she'd been killed if the entries suddenly stopped, although that would hurt a lot to see.

"You have her eyes."

Katya smiled. "That was the first thing Antonia said." Like her, Natasha was unable to look away from the photo. Disbelief had captured her entirely, causing her to forget about the world around them.

"God, she's stunning.'' Her head shook, taking her red locks along with it. ''Now I understand where you got your looks."

Katya scrunched her nose at the unintended cheesy comment and pulled the bag onto her lap, rummaging through. Interested, Natasha lowered the picture and watched what else came out. "Tonia found a lot of her stuff. There aren't many pictures, and a lot of those papers aren't interesting, but there's also... this." Three simple notebooks with each another faded design. Katya had them stacked on top of each other, hesitantly holding them with both hands. "Diaries. And I am too afraid to open them."

Natasha intently studied her face with slightly narrowed eyes, sensing the underlying question. "You want me to...?"

"Yes, please. Just see what the date of the first entry is, and what she wrote as the first sentence." The diaries ended up in Natasha's hands when the woman nodded, happy to help. She chose the one on top and flipped it open, eyebrows furrowed as she read and the silence dragged on. "What? What did she write?" Katya asked impatiently.

''Give me a second. This cursive Russian is hell to decipher, and it's been years. And her handwriting is as messy as yours,'' Natasha teased. It earned her a glare that made her chuckle. But soon, it started to make sense what Irina had written forty years ago. "Well, she couldn't have been more to the point. First sentence: ''I'm pregnant.'' Written January ninth, 1984."

"That's me.'' Katya perked up, blue irises shooting towards the face of her lover. ''She's pregnant with me." Reality had not yet set in, this all seeming way too bizarre. Like a little kid, so giddy did she feel. Just yesterday, getting to know her mom and having a picture of her, seemed impossible.

"I know, baby,'' Natasha mused, a playful smirk on her lips. ''The picture left me with no doubts." Again, a glare was sent her way.

"Do not joke with me right now, Romanova," the brunette warned. But in reality, Natasha could joke all she wanted. It was just that an impatience had taken over and Katya wanted to know everything in those diaries right now. Absorb those words by touching the cover of the notebooks alone. Her interest certainly piqued when Natasha flipped through the pages and something fell out, landing on her lap. "What? What did you find?"

The small piece of glossy paper found itself between Natasha's fingertips, merely two by three inches but big enough to draw conclusions on. The redhead's sweet eyes softened and shone emotionally, pressing her lips together. "You this time." When she passed over the object, Katya immediately found herself tearing up as well.

A baby picture had been hiding between the pages. The infant couldn't be older than a couple months. But, despite the graining ruining the quality, it was undoubtedly Katya. Pale skin, blue eyes, and the same two tiny birthmarks right by her hairline. Katya knew she had those because sometimes Natasha liked to be a tease and use the pad of her pointer finger to draw a mouth underneath them, successfully creating a smiley face.

Upon seeing her watering eyes, Natasha swung an arm over her shoulder, tugging her into her side. "Honey, I'm so happy for you. Who knew that after all these decades, you'd finally learn about your identity?" Not an ounce of jealousy could be found in her body, finding Katya endlessly deserving of all things good and happy.

Her brunette wife melted into her, head resting on the shoulder provided. The picture hung in front of her face, slightly blurry as she kept staring at it. Again, it all felt unreal. "I was a bit of a fat baby."

A loud laugh flew from Natasha's throat, the soft joke unexpected. "You were cute. Look at those chubby cheeks," she cooed, Katya smiling along with her. But what also shot through her head was that the girl in this picture had no clue what life had prepared for her. Those bright blue, innocent eyes held a clear soul, unstained with blood and still whole. Imagine telling this angel she'd grow up to be a killer.

''Maybe my own daughter would have looked like this.''

She didn't mean to ruin the mood, but the words had fallen from her lips the second the thought popped into her head. Maya was a goddamn gift from above, but moments like these reminded her of the one thing she could never have. The hand rubbing up and down her back did little to comfort her, this being a pain that would never fade.

Natasha left her in her emotions for a moment, flipping through the diary and picking up pieces here and there. Irina had written almost every day, which wasn't a surprise since she was a pregnant, jobless teenager living in shame. ''It seems like she moved in with her grandmother because her parents kicked her out for getting pregnant before marriage. She writes here, ''Grandmother Katariina knows exactly what to do, and has been the only one supporting me the whole time. So I couldn't do anything else but name my daughter after her. And because I hope that one day my mother will change her mind, her middle name is from her.''."

The revelation of the choice for her given name shook a lot of things loose in Katya's mind. It had gained meaning now, more than just a first name she had sworn off years ago. It was her great-grandmother's name. Her kind great-grandmother, who helped her mother raise her because her parents kicked her out, reputation forever ruined.

"So her story is not a happy one. Got it," Katya spoke sourly, pain carved into her features as her gaze traveled away from the pages. Part of her had hoped that her mom's life hadn't been miserable up until the final moments. But living in exile, carrying an illicit baby did not sound happy whatsoever.

"We've only read two half pages,'' Natasha tried to reassure her, the palm of her hand rubbing Katya's upper arm warmly. ''I'm sure she had her happy moments. She sounds very happy with you here: ''Katariina is a true blessing''-"

"Stop."

Regretfully, Katya pushed herself up straight, away from her wife's side. The hand on her shoulders fell off, sliding down her back until it made contact with the couch. Instantly, the dramatic reaction summoned regret, especially when guilt flooded Natasha's gentle eyes.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have," she apologized, closing the diary slowly. These writings were private and for Katya to read, not for her to carelessly flip through and cite.

But the brunette shook her head quickly to try and end her guilt. "No, it's fine if you want to read it. It's just too fast for me. This morning I had nothing, not even a picture, and now we're reading her thoughts. This,'' her hand flung around, ''needs to settle down for me first."

Natasha nodded once, placing her hands on top of the diary as if to say, 'off limits'. "Got it. I'll go back to comparing you to the picture then." The pictures - plural - found their way between her fingertips again. And like this, side by side, the resemblance between the people in them became all the more clear. Katya was Irina's daughter, one hundred percent.

The former melted at Natasha's understanding and relaxed into her side once more, lazily watching the pictures as her hand wrapped around the redhead's upper arm. She could not comprehend that she possessed those images now, the people in them feeling distant and unreal. But the privilege of having them and sharing this moment with her life's partner was very much real.

"Puzzle pieces that have been missing for years suddenly fall into place. Why?" she muttered.

"I don't know,'' Natasha answered truthfully, the pad of her thumb delicately tracing over baby Kat's features. ''Maybe because we stopped looking, and accidentally found it in the process?" she guessed, to which Katya had no answer. Because there simply was no answer as to why the universe granted them this gift now. Perhaps it tried to make up for messing with them all decades prior? First gift the shitty things and now the nice things?

No matter why, Katya fell in love with her wife even more because of how she handled this. Natasha who had no clue of her parentage either, who had struggled with that way more, and now was enthusiastic and excited for Katya as if her own pain didn't exist. The brunette realized she may have dived into this carelessly, letting happiness take the lead by throwing this onto her wife without warning or precaution.

"Do you still think the same about researching your mom?" she asked quietly, peering up at Natasha's side-profile.

A soft smile fixed itself on the redhead's lips at the thoughtfulness, her eyes joining in as she glanced Katya's way. The care and concern on her face, the blue of her eyes clear in the light filtering through the large windows, warmed her heart. "Yes, honey. I am content with the information I have now; the mental image of her that you helped me create. It can only get ruined by what I find."

Believe it or not, but the topic of her mom had come up a fair number of times in the last seven years. And every time they went down the path of wonder, Katya told her wife how she imagined her mother, truthfully but positively. Without even a name, but with the description Melina had given them, they simply spoke of 'your mom' and the way she must have been.

"Okay." Katya smiled back, making a mental note to ask again in a couple days or weeks. Better to check in than miss signs. ''For the record, I think you have nothing to fear.''

Natasha watched her intently, shaking her head with incomprehension. ''How can you love my mom so much even though we know nothing about her?'' Where she was quick to let her doubts and fear rule, Katya had done nothing but speak of her wife's mom lovingly. For all they knew, the woman wanted her back just to abuse her, but the brunette wouldn't hear any of that.

''Because I am in love with a piece of her,'' she said softly, staring deep into her green eyes. ''And because that piece is incredible, then what must she be like?''

A dark blush spread across Natasha's cheeks and neck, painting the very tips of her ears red. Keeping eye contact became impossible, quickly averting them to the handheld pictures once more. The redhead did not know how to deal with such cheesy and romantic compliments, never had. They melted her bones until all there was left was a puddle, and that was something Natasha simply did not do.

Only Katya could achieve it and only Katya would ever be allowed to witness it. And that woman now saw it happen with a cheeky smile, pressing a kiss to her cheek as she reveled in cuteness. But Natasha still had her mom in her head, her smile fading into a grimace until it left all together. Something weighed on her consciousness.

''You know what I'd never understand as a mom myself now?'' She paused, but it wasn't a question meant to be answered. ''Why mine would ever trade me for money.''

A deep sorrow seeped into the conversation, the topic of child trafficking very familiar to Katya. They were both sold at one moment in time, though Natasha's situation was different. ''I don't think any mother would ever want to give up their child, deep down. It's outside forces playing a role. I wouldn't be surprised if she was threatened or forced into it. Because from what I gathered from Melina's story, she loved you so much that she spent her life trying to find you.''

Natasha watched her, shaking her head and chewing on her bottom lip. ''I don't know if that makes me feel a whole lot better,'' she admitted gently, which did not come as a surprise whatsoever. Possibly nobody ever got over this, or reached a certain level of acceptance so it never bothered them again.

''Maybe not yet, but it's a process I'm going to drag you along with,'' Katya promised with a cheeky smile, squeezing her upper arm once.

An eyebrow raised on Natasha's forehead, a small smirk tugging at the corner of her mouth. ''Oh, yeah? What's it called?''

''How to realize that your self-worth and value doesn't depend on others' decisions that lead to your neglect.''

A teasing hum fell off her lips, impressed by the deep sentence Katya managed to throw out in one go. ''Where do I sign up?''

The hint was so obvious that Katya tapped her smiling lips compliantly. ''Here.'' The kiss pressed to them was received happily, endorphins shooting through her brain and veins. ''Thank you, ma'am. Submission received.'' Natasha laughed quietly, shaking her head.

A sigh sounded, Katya placing her head on her shoulder, reaching for the picture of her mother she couldn't stop staring at. There was nothing to say that hadn't been said already. She was beautiful, clearly passed a lot of her features onto Katya, and had the kindest eyes a person could have.

Slowly, the brunette pulled the diary from under Natasha's hands and lazily flipped through it. They had found no more pictures or anything in it. Only pen on paper. The handwriting was so sloppy in places that it was hard to read. Irina probably didn't have the best education, because some words were misspelled. It wasn't Katya's intention to read anything, but her eyes caught onto short sentences that made her smile.

Natasha was right before. Irina's life wasn't all bad. Living with her grandmother did her good, the old woman helping wherever she could. And everything she read about a baby - her - was positive. As the dates in the diary progressed, the happier Irina sounded with the life she grew in her stomach. Though never was the father mentioned, nowhere, which gave Katya the chills.

''This helps,'' she whispered, not having to look up to know that Natasha watched along with everything she did.

A kiss was delivered to the top of her head. ''In what way?''

''I see her as her own person now. More than just his sister. Maybe I can distance myself from him a bit, like this.'' Abruptly, she shut the notebook and looked up. ''You know, it's weird to think that if he didn't bring us together, if the place we grew up didn't exist, I'd have never known you. We would have grown up in completely different parts of Russia, in different families, miles away from each other. I would probably have never met you.''

Natasha hummed, tightening the grip on her body as that terrible scenario sunk in. ''Do you think you'd be married to a guy right now?'' she mused, chuckling when Katya shuddered in disgust, her nose scrunched up.

''Ew, I probably would have had to. Had his children. Live on a run-down tiny farm where we'd be poor and scramble for food.'' According to Irina's writing, they'd lived in an environment like that. But Katya looked Natasha in the eye, studying her face. ''You're gorgeous though. You would have been able to catch some guy who could provide for you. Buy you dresses, live in a nice house, maybe even with a maid if you really used those charms.''

''I probably would have ended up screwing the maid when he was away.''

A loud laugh burst from Katya's throat, her shoulders shaking as Natasha smirked smugly. ''Yes, yes, you would have.'' That mischief was part of who she was, changed history or not. Even while being a trophy wife for some rich Russian guy, Natasha would have been uncontainable and not conformed to the sophisticated lifestyle. She needed adventure and thrill.

So, the redhead sighed heavily, her cheek on top of Katya's head. ''That all sounds like shit, honestly.''

''It does, doesn't it?'' Katya agreed, her smile falling. ''Sounds...''

''Lonely.''

''Yeah.'' They would have never found true partnership and respect as they had now. Always felt alone in their life, putting on a performance, shoving themselves to the side in favor of others. ''The more I find out, the more content I am with how life has walked its course.'' Of course, it would have been better if all the shitty things had never happened, but all of that had led to this moment.

''Me too,'' Natasha muttered, grasping Katya's hand in her own and kissing the back of it. "Me too."

~~~~~~~~

A/N: from the bottom of my heart, thank you guys for all your sweet and lovely comments every week. My life is very unsure right now and I don't handle it all very well, so to see how you're enjoying every chapter I put out means more to me than you'll ever know. I started writing as an outlet, an escape from life, but I keep doing it because of you <3

That said, I need to skip the update next week. I have almost no chance to write this week because of work, and I want to give you guys quality updates and not something I'm half happy with, and I just am not happy with chapter 87 as I have it now. Only a break of a week and then I'm back, I promise :) So I will see you guys on Monday the 22nd.