Here's the couples therapy one shot I promised! Enjoy the crack!

(I got really into it tho and tried to mildly describe Ethan and Essie's psychological states, so you should all probably take note of that too)

"IF I EVER SEE PERCY and the Stolls again, I'm gonna kill them," Ethan fumed, arms crossed as he sat beside his girlfriend in one of those stupid cheap chairs with the fuzzy cushioning.

"They were just trying to do a nice thing for us," Esmerelda said soothingly.

"A nice thing?" He blew up. "They tricked us into joining couples therapy and now some stupid shrink's gonna ask questions about our personal life!"

"The 'stupid shrink' is right here." Dr. Clemonte sighed from across the pair.

Ethan glared at him, and even though he only had one eye, Dr. Clemonte felt like this kid was probably one of most terrifying person he had ever met.

"Was I talking to you?" The boy said in a cold tone.

"Ah, well, no but—"

"—Then shut your mouth."

Dr. Clemonte shrunk in his chair. Jesus, he thought, feeling cold sweat gather in his palms. Is this guy really seventeen?

"Ethan," Esmerelda chided, placing her hand on the boy's arm. Dr. Clemonte could see the boy relax just a smidge and made a mental note of that for later. "Don't be so rude, he's only doing his job."

"Let's just leave, babe, this is so ridiculous."

"We can't! Percy and the Stolls must have already paid for this session, we can't make them waste their money!" Esmerelda reasoned, giving him a pleading look. "Please, Ethan? Just one session, that's all we need."

One session was good, the doctor nodded in agreement. He doubted he could handle any more, especially with that boy being a part of them. Seriously. He was terrifying.

Ethan's shoulders slumped in defeat. He leaned back against the chair, arms crossed. "Fine," he said, before sending the doctor a sharp glare. "Well? Get started already."

Dr. Clemonte cleared his throat nervously. "Right, of course. Where to begin... ah... Well, your friends told me that there were complications in your relationship—"

"—Complications?!" Ethan repeated angrily. "The only complication is us being sent here against our will! Our relationship's perfectly fine!"

Dr. Clemonte discreetly wrote down on his notepad:

Ethan Nakamura—anger issues.

Esmerelda nodded in agreement, "That's right, sir. Ethan and I are very happy together. Was there anything else our friends mentioned?"

Esmerelda Black—peacemaker.

Ethan narrowed his eye, "What the fuck are you writing on there?"

He hastily moved on, "Your friends were more concerned about Ethan being a, um," he struggled to find a better way to word the next sentence without angering the boy any further. "Bad, er... match? For you?"

Ethan looked like he could reach out and strangle him.

"Ohhhhh," Esmerelda said before he could do anything. She seemed to understand what her friends were talking about. "I see. They're probably still upset about him kidnapping me."

The pen in his hand clattered onto his desk.

"I-I'm sorry what?" He said.

Please tell me I heard wrong, he begged.

Ethan actually looked a little guilty. "In my defense, I was ordered to do it. And I did apologize to you afterwards..."

"There were other ways to make me come with you," Esmerelda frowned slightly. "You didn't have to kidnap me from school and lock me up in a dog cage."

WHAT? Dr. Clemonte mentally screamed.

Ethan looked at her pleadingly, and the doctor felt completely ignored. "I really am sorry though, Essie. I promise I won't ever do something like that again... Unless you try to leave me." That last part was muttered under his breath.

Esmerelda blinked, "What was that?"

"Nothing, angel," he smiled innocently, reaching out to grab her hand.

What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck, Dr. Clemonte thought as he rapidly scrawled down on his notepad.

Ethan—kidnapper, used a cage, obsessive.

Esmerelda—strong signs of Stockholm syndrome, possibly delusional from trauma.

Fuck, I should call the cops after this, he thought once he finished.

He looked back up to see that the couple were staring lovingly at each other. It would've been cute had he not been aware of how fucked up they actually were.

"So Esmerelda," he began, trying not to wither at the nasty look Ethan was giving him for ruining the moment. "Why do you choose to date him even after everything he's done to you?"

"Well, I love him of course," she said brightly. "And when you love someone, you never give up on them, isn't that right?"

"Sometimes, yes," he agreed. "But in a situation like this... Don't you feel scared? Threatened?"

She tilted her head. "Hmm, no, not really. Besides, I've already lost so many people. I couldn't lose Ethan too."

Abandonment issues, he wrote down. Leads to her clinging onto unhealthy relationships.

"I see," he said. "But what if Ethan tries to, ah, hurt you in any way again?"

She frowned. "Ethan won't hurt me... how... how could you say that?"

"See, I told you this was bullshit," Ethan rolled his eye. "He's just trying to put doubts into your head, Essie. Can we just beat him up and go already? I wanna try out that new burger place..."

She lit up eagerly. "Oooh, the one with the cheese sauce? Hell yeah, let's go!"

"No, no, no wait a minute!" Dr. Clemonte called out, earning their attention again. He couldn't believe how nonchalant these two were acting. "The session's not over yet. Let's continue for a little longer. I take it that you're very... close with the people you love, then? Let's talk about your relationship with them. Any of them."

"Oh, well, there's my uncle," she supplied. "He's very important to me."

He smiled, "That's nice. Can you tell me more about him?"

"I met him a few years ago after he escaped from prison," she began, and the smile slipped off from his face. "He was accused of being a mass murderer, but he's actually innocent so don't worry! Anyways, I stole a house for him and had some of my friends give him a makeover so he wouldn't be recognizable. It totally worked! We've been super close since then, but he's been really mad at me lately..." She said sadly.

Ethan scoffed, "He's being an idiot. You did the right thing, Essie. He would've died had you not interfered."

Well that certainly didn't sound concerning.

"Ah, well," Dr. Clemonte swallowed nervously. "What exactly did you do to make him mad at you?"

"I forced him to leave the country against his will," she replied glumly. "I told him it was too dangerous to stay here, but he wasn't listening so what else was I supposed to do?"

"Why—" He choked, eyes wide. "Why did you do something like that?"

"I couldn't let him die. I had already lost so much, and I got scared that he would follow afterwards. My uncle means a lot to me, and I would do anything to keep him safe." She said with a dangerous glint in her eyes. Dr. Clemonte noted, with dread, that she almost seemed as frightening as her boyfriend.

"You 'lost so much'? Can you clarify what you mean by that, if you're alright with it?" He asked.

Esmerelda's mood dampened. "I was a foster kid, and all my foster parents would give up on me so I was passed around a lot. Nobody really wanted me. And then I ran away and met some friends. They took me to this, ah, special place where I met even more friends and found some siblings of my own. But then they left me too... It was awful. A lot of my friends ended up dying too, my siblings included. I managed to get Ethan back, but..."

Obsessive, dangerously attached to people close to her

(all possibly due to past trauma)

"It seems like you cling onto people due to the trauma of losing those closest to you, either through death or other ways," he stated. "Perhaps this is why you stay with Ethan despite what he's done to you."

"Excuse me?" There was a fire in the boy's eye. "Are you trying to tell my girlfriend to break up with me? Oh that is it—!" He began to rise from his seat, but Esmerelda pushed him back down.

"Ethan, you need to learn to control yourself," she sighed. "I can't keep covering up the crime scene for you."

"Right, sorry." Ethan said sheepishly.

CRIME SCENE?! Dr. Clemonte began to sweat nervously. Now was probably the best time to reach for the emergency button. His hand inched under his desk for the button, but when he pressed on it, nothing happened.

He paled in realization. That was right. It was in need of repair but because of tax-cuts, the repairs had to wait.

Ohhhh fuck, of all the times for the emergency button to be broken!

"So Ethan... l-let's move on to you next," Dr. Clemonte had a feeling he was going to regret this the most. "Any other relationships you have?"

"Not really," he grunted. "I've known Essie since we were kids, she was pretty much my only friend. Then we, um, parted ways for a few years. I was pretty close to her brother though but he's... gone now."

"No other relationships? Family? Acquaintances?"

"I don't talk about my family," Ethan said firmly. "And no. There's nobody else. It wasn't like anyone wanted to be near me anyways. They were always scared off, even back when I was a kid..." There was a bitter tone hidden in his voice.

Antisocial. No close relationships other then Esmerelda, so all feelings of love that he should be spreading throughout family and friends are solely pushed onto her instead.

"I've learned quite a bit about you two now," Dr. Clemonte tried to smile, but he couldn't help but glance back at his notes and feel a grim sensation. These kids were seriously fucked up. "So let's move on to you both as a whole. I'll be asking you a series of questions and I'd like you guys to answer me honestly, okay?"

Esmerelda beamed, "Sure."

"Whatever." Ethan said boredly. "Just hurry it up."

"Since you don't believe there are any issues in your relationship, I'll skip that question and move on to the second one. Do you want to stay together?"

"Yes," they answered in unison.

"And... do you believe you will stay together?" He asked.

Ethan's grip around the arms of his chair tightened. "We already went through a certain... roadblock that kept us apart. Anything else that tries the same will be destroyed."

Esmerelda nodded in agreement. "Yes, we've already been through so much together. I wouldn't be very happy if something or someone tried to separate us again."

Dr. Clemonte tried to ignore how threatening their answers were before moving on, "In the past, what did either of you do when your partner disappointed you?"

"I, um, cried," Esmerelda answered with a pink face, probably a little embarrassed with her admittance.

"I kidnapped her," Ethan answered bluntly.

"...Third question, what do you wish your partner would do more?"

Esmerelda sighed. "I wish he would be more kinder to Nico."

The doctor rose a brow. "Nico?"

"My son."

"What."

Ethan scowled, "I wish Essie would stop babying that little brat."

"I'm not babying him!"

"He's a grown man now, Essie!"

"He is TWELVE, Ethan! TWELVE! Gods, you're just like his father—"

"—Do not compare me to him! At least I actually spend time with the kid, all he ever does is have the guards follow him around and do his work for him! I doubt he even cut the crusts off his sandwiches!" 

"You don't either!" 

"Yes I do! And I toast the bread at level three too!" 

"Well that's not what Nico's been telling me!" 

His jaw dropped. "You're trusting that demon spawn's words over mine?!"

Esmerelda was aghast. "He's not a demon!" 

"Okay, okay, okay!" Dr. Clemonte brought his hands up. The couple quieted down, but they were both frowning.

While he was glad he found a normal issue they were facing, he was still freaking out because ESMERELDA WAS LITERALLY A SIXTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL. HOW THE FUCK DOES SHE HAVE A TWELVE YEAR OLD SON.

"You have a... son? From a previous relationship?" He asked, he didn't even want an explanation about how that was even possible.

Esmerelda nodded. "Yes, two kids actually. Nico and Bianca, but Bianca... she died in an accident two years ago."

"I'm... sorry to hear that," he said awkwardly. "Ethan, how do you feel about Esmerelda being in a previous relationship?"

"I don't really care. As long as he doesn't try to get Essie back, then I'm cool. He's got a wife anyways, so he should be good for the next few years." Ethan answered bluntly.

"Wait," Dr. Clemonte really couldn't hold it in anymore. "Time out. The guy's married? Is he an adult what—what the heck is going on here?!"

What was the FBI's phone number again? He wondered.

Esmerelda waved a hand dismissively. "Oh don't worry too much about it. I was a lot older then I am now when it happened."

What? How does that even make any sense?! He internally cried.

"Weren't you, like, eighteen when he knocked you up?" Ethan scowled.

"Oh hush, it was acceptable back in my day," she rolled her eyes. "Well, aside from the fact that I was unmarried, but whatever."

I don't get paid enough for this, he thought numbly. I need a drink. He could practically feel the alcoholism crawling back to him.

"Let's move on to the next question..." He said tiresomely. "Where do you two see yourselves in ten years?"

"Probably dead," Esmerelda said.

Ethan nodded in agreement. "Yeah, most likely."

...He wasn't going to bother asking for an explanation on that either.

"Are both of you willing to make compromises? Were there times when one of you had to make all the sacrifices to make the other person happy?"

"Hmmm," Esmerelda thought to herself. "Our relationship's still fresh, but before that when there were certain situations we faced, we mostly just, um argued. We had very different opinions about this... particular problem, so neither of us wanted to compromise at the time."

"Not like we could've," Ethan mumbled under his breath.

"Ethan's solution was to kidnap me," she huffed.

"Ah," Dr. Clemonte said weakly before jotting down:

Ethan tends to resort to extremes rather then compromising or setting boundaries (ie. kidnapping)

"Do you believe you are holding each other back?" He asked before clarifying. "By that, I mean, do you keep each other's interests in mind while making important decisions. Do you allow each other to pursue your own hobbies and dreams? Do you give each other space to do your own things? Do you complement each other and help each other grow?"

"Of course I'll let Essie do what she wants," Ethan said in an irked tone. "I'll help her reach her goals, let her enjoy her hobbies, and all that stuff. I'll only step in if she tries to do something stupidly suicidal."

"I don't think I'm holding him back," Esmerelda smiled. "I'm very supportive of him."

Ethan nodded his head in confirmation.

Esmerelda—allows Ethan to grow, but may give him too much leeway with his actions (ie. nonchalance towards kidnapping & covering up his crimes(?))

"Last question," he breathed out in relief. He couldn't wait for this session to be over with. "How do your families feel about the relationship?" He asked. This part he paid extra attention to. He hoped their families would at least realize something was wrong and step in.

"My mom likes him, but I don't really care for her stupid opinions," Esmerelda harrumphed.

"You're not close with your mother?"

"She tried to offer me up to my other uncle." She fumed. "And led my siblings to their deaths. So no, I'm not close to her at all."

Dr. Clemonte blinked.

"I—"

"—That uncle's in hell right now though, so you don't need to worry about calling the cops," she assured. "My friend killed him, in a way."

What the absolute fuck.

"As for my father," she winced. "He's not happy. He wants Ethan dead..."

Ethan sighed heavily at that.

At least one parent has some sense, Dr. Clemonte thought. "And Ethan, what about you?"

"My mom's okay with it, I guess." He shrugged.

"Any other details?"

"I mean, she hasn't said much about us, but she probably feels bad for gouging my eye out so she decided to let this go."

"Your—your mother did what?" He asked nervously, because what the fuck.

"Yeah, I made a deal with her so she took my eye as a payment." Ethan explained casually, as if mothers ripping their son's eye out was a normal practice.

"O... kay," Dr. Clemonte said weakly. "Well, our one hour session is over now—"

"—Finally," Ethan groaned, standing. He held a hand out for Esmerelda. "Let's get outta here."

She grasped his hand and stood up. "Can we go to that burger place?"

"Yeah."

"Yay! Let's bring Nico too, I'm sure he'd appreciate it!"

Ethan snorted as they started leaving the office. "Let's hope they have a kid's menu."

"Don't tease him!"

"Maybe they'll even offer him a toy."

"Ethan!"

Dr. Clemonte watched them leave with wide, disturbed eyes. He had no idea how two very disturbed individuals could seem so perfectly normal. It was insane, it was terrifying.

Those two don't need a therapist, he thought. They need a whole-ass mental hospital.

— author's note —

Did you guys enjoy my semi-psychological analysis??? The therapy session isn't canon, but Dr. Clemonte's analyses of Ethan and Essie are spot-on. I hope I described it well enough but if you have any questions, feel free to ask! I'll be happy to answer especially when it comes to things like this!