Immediately

I wanna throw up.
Immediately.
But I wanna eat more.
Immediately.
I wanna be happy.
Immediately.
But I wanna be sad.
Immediately.
I wanna die.
Immediately.
But I wanna live.
Immediately.
Goddamn it.
Please save me.

Not a break-up-song

We are the broken souls
walking through the night
and pretending we're alright
when we are sad.
Maybe I should just let go
and start living
but I can only do that when I pour gasoline
all over my body
and set it on fire
with the same fucking lighter
you gave me the day you left me.
But this is not a break-up-song
and not an I-still-love-you-song.
It's the song of my life
showing my self-destructive mind
and the ticking time
that always follows me
no matter where I go.
I like to listen to sad music when I'm happy
just because I sometimes miss the feeling of being a lonely soul
I like the feeling of my fists
beating my arms till it hurts.
I'm addicted to it
and if I'm honest
that might be your fault
but as I said
this is not a break-up-song.

The Tree

I realized something today.
I finally figured you out.
And now I find myself sitting in my room
crying, screaming so loud
that I'm afraid of breaking my windows.
You.
The Tree of sorrow and pain you planted in my stomach
by violently holding my mouth open and spitting in it
has now grown
to its undeniable greatness.
It hurts
feeling the leafs and the branches.
It hurts so much I wish I could die
But it is too late now.
The offspring has grown to a tree
It settled down in my stomach
started growing from there through my neck
causing those mean and heartless words
I said every day to the people I love.
And then the branches reached my brain
Bringing this unbelievable and never-ending pain.
Changing my positive and loving mindset to a negative one
and then I started hating everyone
from the bottom of my heart.
I hated the world.
I hated my friends.
I hated my family.
But I never hated you.
Because it seemed like you were the only one
that understood my truth.
You were there for me saying that it is okay.
Oh god and I believed you.
I mistook a demon for an angel
I never saw the danger.
Till now.
But now it is too late
You are already gone.
Taking all my will to live and all my love with you.
The tree still lives in my body.
It will kill me one day.
But at least I stopped thinking.
because I realized something today.