"How was your soccer game yesterday?" Dr. Connoly asks, her voice calm and clear.

I smile. "It went really well," I tell her honestly. "We won and I scored two of the goals."

Dr. Connoly is visibly relieved to hear that, though she probably already knows we won the match. I know she pays attention to the results of the soccer games for my sake, but I have a feeling she's starting to get more into it. She told me herself that her five-year-old daughter was just starting to play on a team this year.

"I'm glad, Easton." She smiles back at me. I can tell she cares and it makes me relax a little more.

"I've also got a date on Friday."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. Her name is Naiya. We were supposed to see a movie on Sunday but..." I pause. "John wouldn't let me go so we had to reschedule."

Dr. Connoly jots something down in her notebook. My previous relaxed state is replaced with tension. Any mention of John seems to have that kind of effect. I rub the bottom hem of my t-shirt in between my fingers.

"He wouldn't let you go?" Dr. Connoly wants me to elaborate.

I swallow. "He—uh—he slammed me against the refridgerator that morning."

Dr. Connoly looks up from her notebook, staring at me intensely. The mood of the room shifts.

I continue. "It's cause I went to Zach's party on Friday and so he wanted the keys to my car." I glance up at Dr. Connoly but I know she wants me to keep going. "He's never done that before. I mean, not since I moved in with him again."

Dr. Connoly sighs. "You told me he was pretty rough around your mom when you were younger. Was he acting similar to how he did back then?"

I nod hesitantly. "I'm just... I'm worried he's going to do it again. Harder." I swallow. My mouth feels dry. "I mean, he's okay now. I think if I just—I don't know—if I just try to be better, then it'll be okay. But if he really does go back to the way he was before... I have nowhere else to go."

"He has a history of anger management issues," Dr. Connoly tells me. "What he's doing to you is not your fault, okay?"

"I know," I lie.

"And if he's hurting you, Easton, you don't have to stay there. I can help you find a better home."

"I know," I lie again. "I know there's other options. I'm fine, though, honestly. I know the limits." I swallow. "Has... Has Stef ever talked about John with you?"

Dr. Connoly takes a deep breath. "You know I can't talk about that."

"Has John ever done anything to her?"

I watch as Dr. Connoly fingers with her pen for a moment. "Not that I know of," she says. Even though I'm not sure what the rules are about lying to her clients, I'm pretty positive she's telling the truth to me. I know John loves Stef, but he loved Teresa too. His love though, I think, is sometimes corrupt.

On Thursday, the group decides to head over to Ace's to play Smash. Other than partying on Friday nights, this is usually the only thing we ever do outside of school and soccer.

"Really, Ace?" Dylan says when Sonic kills his character off again. Dylan's the worst at the game so Ace always targets him first.

"You walked into that one," Ace replies, keeping his attention focused on the screen in front of him.

Four minutes later and the fifteenth game we've played so far is over. Dylan leans back into the couch with a sigh. He's getting bored of dying within the first ten seconds of the match. I can tell.

Cooper leans back with Dylan, setting his own controller down beside him. Suddenly he says, "you think Jenna will be mad at me if I break up with her?" The rest of us turn to face him, a little dumbfounded. The question came out of nowhere for us, but I'm sure Cooper had been mulling over it for a while.

"You guys were dating for less than a week," Zach says, surprise in his voice.

"I know," Cooper responds, putting his hands over his face. He's about to say something else when Ace suddenly interjects.

"Speaking of Cooper's exes," he says, which is somewhat out of context for the current situation. "Lea texted me."

"So?" Cooper says.

"Do you care if I text her back?"

Cooper shakes his head. "I never really cared for her. Knock yourself out."

I turn to Cooper. "So why did you date her?"

"I don't know? She was hot?" The way Cooper's voice just went up like twelve octaves made us all raise an eyebrow.

"No offense, Coop," Ace joins in again. "But it's kind of a sucky move."

Cooper sighs and nods agreeingly to Ace. "I know. I know. I suck."

We all stare at Cooper for a minute, waiting. What we're waiting for, I have no idea. A confession maybe? I guess this is what it's like for me, when the group expects me to spill out everything to them. As cruel as it seems, I'm almost a little glad it's not me they're staring at this time.

"So–like–everything's good with you, Coop?" Dylan asks, hoping to relieve some of the awkward silence.

I watch as Cooper's Adam's apple bobs as he swallows. He clasps his hands together in between his knees, his body now bent forward, and his elbows resting on top of his thighs.

It's strange to see Cooper act this way. He's a fairly big dude. Not super big, but meatier than me. I guess the requirements for that aren't hard to pass, though, considering how twig-like I am. Anyways, Cooper's right leg alone could kick the ball almost twice the length of the soccer field.

To see weakness in someone so strong is hard to watch.

"I don't know what's wrong with me," Cooper suddenly mumbles and lowers his head. His voice sounds so small, almost like a child's.

Dylan puts an arm around Cooper's shoulders. "Nothing's wrong, Cooper."

Cooper shrugs his shoulders out of Dylan's grasp and stands up suddenly. "I should go."

"Wait, Cooper," Zach says, standing up as well, but Cooper's already halfway up the stairs. Zach doesn't go after him and the rest of us don't either. I don't know if he wants to confront any of us right now.

We sit in silence for a minute. "So–uh–what's the deal with him?" Ace asks. I look at Dylan for an answer.

Dylan catches my eye and looks down at his hands. He definitely knows. I watch as he fidgets with his thumbs. "I think he's suppressing something."

"Suppressing something?" Ace repeats.

"Yeah. I don't think he likes girls."

"That's dumb," Zach mumbled and we all turn to look at him. "Why can't he just tell us? We're not gonna start a mob."

"Maybe if he admits it, he knows it will become true and he doesn't want it to be," I add in.

Dylan sighs. "I think it's his dad, maybe. He's super strict. Kind of like your dad, Easton." Way to bring me into this, Dylan.

Ace turns to me and I feel a wave of nausea suddenly course through my stomach. "Hey Easton. I've kind of been wondering this for a really long time now but why do you call your dad by his first name?" By the way the others look at me, I can tell they've been wondering the same thing.

I shrug. "I don't know. He's a jerk. Plus, he's never really been in my life until now which is crazy in itself." I feel weird talking about this with them. I mean, props to Cooper for actually getting them to turn serious for once.

"Wait, you haven't always lived with him?" Zach asks.

"No," I swallow. "I lived with my mom."

I watch as the group stares at me, their brows furrowed. Somehow, though, they almost look understanding. I guess me talking in my sleep has given them some sort of insight. Still, the air in the room is silent. It's the kind of silence that makes my stomach churn, the kind that rattles my brain. Deafening silence, as some people call it. It reminds me of that room, the room that's so quiet that the only thing you can hear is the blood rushing through your veins. It can drive you to insanity, I heard.

Suddenly, Dylan places a hand on my shoulder and I jump. "Are you okay, Easton?" He asks, his voice deep and somehow both interrogative and reassuring. "I mean, honestly, are you okay?"

I have the temptation to pull a Cooper and just bust out of here. I honestly do feel a little sick, now that I think about it. I mean, come on. I mention the word 'mom' and suddenly I feel like I need to be rushed to the hospital.

"I think you know the answer to that." I don't look him in the eye when I say it, instead concentrating on the red controller that's lying face down on the carpet in front of me. I used to love that color. Coincidentally, it was Mom's favorite too.

"Come on, East," Zach starts to say. His voice sounds different. "Don't say things like that."

"Like what?"

"Like that! It freaks me out!" Zach's looking Dylan in the eye, not me. "I'm scared for you, Easton." He waits for someone to interject, but no one does. "I don't want you to do something that could–you know–hurt you."

"You don't need to worry about that." I try to brush the topic off. I don't like to think about that stuff because, like Zach, I'm afraid to.

It's the mornings that scare me sometimes. On some days, it seems impossible to get out of bed. My body feels like the weight of a coffin, dirt just piling and piling up on top of me until I suffocate. It's these mornings that I fear because when I go to take my pills, I wonder what would happen if I take a few extra. I mean, come on. Those things are supposed to be helping me, right? I want you to tell me, then, why I still feel pain.

"No Zach's right," Dylan chimes in. "There's been...times."

"Like when I found you alone in Zach's sister's room," Ace adds. "I thought you were dead!" The way Ace says that brings a smile to all of our faces in spite of the topic of conversation.

Dylan fidgets with her hands. "Or just the other night, when you barfed all over my shoes."

"Oh yeah," I mumble, looking down. "I'm really sorry about that. I can pay you to get new ones."

"No it's okay," Dylan says. "Zach and I got them all cleaned up."

I nod. I still feel guilty about that. It was kind of a sucky move, as Ace would say. I don't even know if drinking makes me any happier, at least in the moment. It only seems to make me fall deeper into a pit. "That's good."

We all nod. The conversation is tense, as it always is when you talk about serious things. "I'm serious, though, Easton," Zach says, his barely visible blond eyebrows furrowed.

Out of all our friends, I'd say it's the most weird for Ace to be all serious. He always has some dopey smile on his face. I mean, he'd get back a test he failed and still somehow make a joke about. Still, I wish he didn't have to be serious right now. I'll happily go back to playing Smash again.

Zach continues. "Don't be afraid to talk to us."

"Unlike Cooper," Ace adds, his lips curling into a small grin.

I sigh. "I know. I mean I'm not." I'm starting to grow frustrated. I don't know why because I know they're curious and I know an explanation has been long overdue. But I don't want to talk about that kind of stuff with them. All I want to do is to play video games and party and just forget everything for a little while.

"I don't like keeping secrets from you guys," I continue on, my fingers rubbing the bottom hem of my t-shirt now.

"Then why do you?" Zach presses me.

I sigh and throw my head back. "I don't know!" I yell. Calm down, Easton. "I don't know," I repeat, quieter this time. My stomach starts to churn again. I've noticed that I've been feeling a lot more sick lately. I know I haven't been getting enough sleep. I never do, it seems like.

"Who's at the door, Mom?" I asked, peeking my head from behind the corner. It was the middle of the night and I hadn't slept a wink. I was fresh in high school then. It feels so long ago but it's barely been three years. The house was dark besides for the single light in the kitchen. Two of the three bulbs in the light fixture were out, but we kept forgetting to replace it.

Mom, who had her hand clasped around the doorknob turned to look at me. Geez, if only I could forget what was on her face. I had never seen her look so heartbroken before, not even after John left. "Go back to bed, honey," she told me, her voice barely able to get those five words out with shaking.

"Is it Damon?" I asked, stepping a little farther out from the hallway.

"I said go to bed, Easton."

I stepped further and I watched as Mom's body quivered. "Is he going to stay here again?"

Mom swallowed. Her eyes didn't move away from her hand on the doorknob. What was it with that doorknob? "He's not going to stay here. He's going to stay at his friend's, remember?"

"Can't he just stay for one night? It's been a week already."

"He can't." She pulled her hand away from the doorknob viciously, as if the thing suddenly grew hot. She looked at me. "Go to bed."

"But Mom–"

"Bed."

I didn't sleep that night.

Even back then, sleep somehow always seemed to evade me. It's funny now to think I'm still relatively worried about the same things. Though now I'm more afraid of the nightmares than anything.

Thinking about memories of my past always brings me pain, in both ways. I curl my arms around my stomach and bend forward. My body aching isn't new to me, but it's always unpleasant. I stand up, grimace spread across my face, and without another word I run upstairs and out Ace's front door. Cooper's car is definitely not there. He really did go home.

"Easton," Dylan suddenly calls out to me from Ace's front porch. I'm just a few steps away from my car parked on the street in front of Ace's house. Seeing Dylan run towards me makes my stomach groan even more. I realize then that I wasn't waiting for anyone to chase after me, but maybe Cooper was. I can almost imagine him leaning against the side of his car, his face in his hands, just waiting for someone to chase after him. I can see the disappointment when he realizes that nobody's going to come out for him. Maybe he thinks we just don't care enough. I should've gone out after him.

I get in my car and leave.

The churning in my stomach continues even after I get home. Laying in bed with my knees to my chest and afraid to fall asleep, I think about tomorrow. I've been texting Naiya pretty regularly throughout the week, but talking to her face to face is a whole nother challenge. My initial excitement for the date has now turned into anxiety. I mull over my plans for tomorrow. I had asked Zach what she likes and planned accordingly, but now I'm starting to second guess myself.

I hope she isn't second guessing me too.

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Thank you for reading!
Likes and comments always appreciated.

As always,
xoxo. Emmy