78. who we used to be

QUINN

      SHE WOKE EARLY THAT MORNING, slightly surprised by the light snoring noises coming from all around her. Normally no one truly slept and it wasn't because of the hard and uncomfortable ground. They hadn't even been here for a few hours and the feeling of safety was already settling in. She didn't know if that should worry her, or make her feel happy. It was too early for her to tell how she felt about this place.

As she looked around though, she realised not everyone was accounted for. Daryl had left his position in the window seat. She guessed Rick had put some people on watch duty last night. It appeared that their leader hadn't embraced the feeling of safety just yet.

As quietly as she could she stood up and made her way around the sleeping figures on the ground and headed towards the door. A small smile appeared on her face as she stepped outside and her eyes noticed Daryl, sitting in the corner of the porch, leaning against the fence, his crossbow ready in his hands.

She closed the door behind her and walked up to him, sitting down next to him on the wooden floor, folding her arms while her eyes stared into the darkness of the night. A small smile appeared on her face. 'Guess all we need now is a little moonshine. You happen to have another secret stash?'

He snorted, shaking his head while playing with the string of his crossbow. Though his eyes never left their surroundings, his body always watchful and ready to jump into action. Apparently Rick wasn't the only one having trouble feeling at ease.

'What do you think?' She asked, gesturing around at the community surrounding them. If there was any opinion she trusted in, it was his.

'They ain't worth shit,' he stated, not even sounding mad about it, just stating a fact, a simple observation.

She nodded, having made that observation herself as well. Everyone seemed nervous, awkward and not ready at all to protect themselves if need be. It seemed like except for Aaron and Eric, none of them ever really came outside. And she wasn't so sure that was a good thing. She could understand that living inside big walls like this meant you had no reason to outside, but the danger was you forgot about what was truly out there and why those walls were up in the first place.

'I've been thinking about Merle,' she admitted and finally he turned his eyes towards her, the blue intensity of them burning right through her soul. 'And Andrea, Hershel, Tyreese.' She took a deep breath. 'Michonne told me we owe it to them to try and make a life. That their deaths would be meaningless if we don't find peace.'

She looked at him and he seemed to be thinking about her words, weighing them in his head to form his own opinion on the matter. She loved that expression on his face when he was lost in thought and it slightly scared her how fast her heart started beating when she studied him like this.

'I'm just scared that I'll never be able to move on,' she whispered, her voice dropping, just like her courage to say any another word. But somehow she knew he wouldn't judge her for saying what was on her mind. 'I don't know if I ever can get used to...' She gestured to the house behind them. 'This again.'

For a second he said nothing and simply considered her words. 'Maybe we ain't meant to find peace,' he suggested. 'Carl, Judith, they deserve a life. Ain't so sure we do.'

'Yeah,' she mumbled, her heart feeling heavy in her chest. He did have a point because after all they'd been through, did they even deserve to find peace? Places like this were a heaven they could never belong in and maybe it was just about making it save so that those who did deserve it could live here and start building a life again.

They didn't speak much more, just sat in silence with their own thoughts. Simply enjoying being in each other's company while keeping watch over their family. They never needed much words to communicate anyway, she knew he was feeling out of place, just like she did. She knew they were both feeling like intruders, not meant to mingle with people this untouched by the horrors of the world. Both of them were painted pitch black, their souls no longer pure and she felt as if by staying here, they were bound to leave a mark on this place that would not be able to be erased.

She didn't have to say a word to know he felt the same way and she was thankful to know she wasn't the only one feeling like she was infecting this place.

The sun had started to rise, slowly its light upon the world. If she closed her eyes she could distantly remember the last time she'd seen such a peaceful sunrise. She'd been standing on the guard tower of the prison for her morning watch duty. Rick was working on the fields below her while Carol had been cooking dinner. It felt like a lifetime ago and for a long time she believed they would never be able to get that back. But looking at the sunrise now, the light falling on the houses spread out inside the wall, she could almost taste the feeling of peace again. Though it tasted a lot more bitter than it used to. But she supposed that was just happened when the world had turned your soul black.

The sound of a door opening and closing came from behind them and they both turned around to see Rick walking outside, followed by Glenn, Maggie, Noah and Beth, with Rosita and Tara right behind them. Carl followed with Judith on his arm and Michonne right behind them like a guardian angel.

Quinn frowned when she saw Beth giving Noah a quick and careful hug before waving at him as he walked away with Tara and Glenn. A small smile formed on her face, she should've known something would happen between those two.

'Where's he going?' Quinn questioned, making Beth turn to look at her.

'He's been given the job of a supply run, together with Glenn and Tara,' she explained. 'It's only just a practice run, getting to know the terrain outside the walls,' she added, seeming to want to comfort herself.

Quinn smiled at the teenager. 'I'm sure they'll be fine. Glenn knows what he's doing.'

She nodded. 'I know.' Then she offered her a small wave and heading into the direction of her new job. Her position on the porch was quickly taken by Rick, who came walking outside.

'They said explore,' he said, though it sounded like he didn't agree at all. His gaze turned to the two of them. 'Let's explore.'

'Nah, I'll stay,' Daryl replied, pulling up his legs to rest his arms on his knees.

Rick nodded. 'All right.' Then he took a few steps forwards, his eyes studying the streets as if he was looking at another planet, some sort of life form he couldn't understand. 'Lori and me,' he began, 'we used to drive through neighborhoods like this, thinking one day...' His voice drifted of.

'Well, here we are,' Daryl said, looking out over the streets as well.

'We'll be back,' Rick told them before walking down the stairs of the porch and heading after his son and daughter.

She watched him walk away, a small sigh leaving his lips. It was so clear he was worried if he made the right call bringing them all inside these walls. She just wished they could get it into his head that it wasn't just his decision to make. They'd all choosen for this, though some a bit more eagerly than others.

The door opened once again and this time it was Carol who came walking outside. Quinn raised her eyebrows upon noticing the hideous old lady clothes the woman was wearing, complete with a blouse with flowers printed on it, a bright blue vest and brown pants.

'Time to punch the clock and make the casseroles,' she almost sang. Her voice sounded so different when she spoke like that, it made Quinn believe the stories of the helpless housewife she once had been.

'What?' Daryl questioned, staring her down with a completely stunned face.

'Make dinner for the older people,' Carol explained, 'moms who need a break, people who can't cook. Get to meet a lot of the neighbors that way.'

He scoffed while Quinn was trying her hardest to bite back a laugh. 'All right.'

'Have you taken a shower yet?' Carol questioned, narrowing at the man.

'Mmhmm,' he mumbled, suddenly even more interested in the string of his crossbow he was working on.

'Take a shower. I'm gonna wash that vest,' she ordered in a motherly tone.

'Goodluck with that,' Quinn mumbled, pushing her hair behind her ears.

Carol pointed at her. 'I'm counting on you to personally wash him if he keeps refusing. We need to keep up appearences.' She started walking away, ignoring the bright red blush that had appeared on Quinn's cheeks.

'You look ridiculous,' Daryl called after her but Carol didn't even bother to answer.

'You know I'd like to see you trying to drag him into the shower to wash him,' a teasing voice came from her right. She turned her head to see her brother leaning against the door. She hadn't even heard him come outside.

'Shut up,' both her and Daryl snapped at the same time but that only made his teasing smirk wider.

'Come on, little sis, let's take a walk,' he suggested, nodding towards the street.

Sighing deeply she got to her feet, not daring to look at Daryl as she made her way unto the street, followed closely by her brother.

'What job did Deanna give you?' She questioned quickly before Milo could say another word about the whole washing thing.

A small smile appeared on Milo's face. He seemed a lot more relaxed than she felt. He was walking with his hands folded on his back, his shoulders straight and head held high. It was the way he used to walk when they went out to go and do something fun together. It slightly scared her that he was looking so relaxed and happy but it also made her sad. He had always been better at feeling happy than she had.

'You're probably gonna laugh,' he said, still smiling.

'What? Of course not,' she replied, raising her eyebrows at him. Him not wanting to say anything only made her more curious.

He sighed deeply. 'It has something to do with-,' he cut himself off, something seemed to be holding him back from saying it. 'You remember that year I went to college?'

She nodded and felt a sting of guilt in her heart. He'd been forced to stop because he was giving her all his money to provide for her dancing classes, though she spend most of it on buying drugs. She'd never told him that but was pretty sure he knew.

'I was planning on studying politics, you know do some good in the world.' He seemed uncomfortable saying it but she could picture it perfectly. He had always been good at giving people advice, be a voice of reason in hard times. Plus he had always wanted to help people. 'And Deanna felt like we shouldn't just have one person in charge, especially since we've seen the world out there. So, she choose me and Maggie to help her run this place.'

Quinn stopped walking, standing still in the middle of the street, her eyes wide as she look at him. He looked almost ashamed of having said those words out loud. 'Milo, that's great!' She smiled at his baffled face and pulled him into a hug. 'You're gonna do amazing,' she whispered in his ear.

He pulled away from her, frowning slightly. 'So are you.'

Shrugging she started walking again, continuing their way down the road and towards the front gate. 'But I don't even have a job yet.' Quinn didn't want to sound like she was complaining but it just didn't sit right with her.

'Neither does Daryl,' Milo said with a comforting smile on his face. 'I think she's planning something special for you guys.'

She raised her eyebrows at her brother. 'What could possibly make you think that?'

His smile slowly turned into a smirk while sparks of joy appeared on his eyes. 'You two make a great team, it would only makes sense that she'd pick something that would fit the two of you.'

A small frown appeared on her face while she choose to ignore the teasing look on his features. It made her feel uncomfortable that other people were starting to notice her connection with Daryl. She still wasn't sure what exactly it was she shared with the redneck. They had found each other after the prison collapsed, silently agreed to watch over a way too stubborn teenage girl and tried to survive together. Daryl was the first person who made her feel like she strong. Strong enough to survive the horrors of this world. And she liked to believe she made him feel more comfortable with just being himself, made him believe that he was enough.

Quinn didn't know if she could call it friendship. It felt more like an unspoken connection had linked her heart to his. For her, it felt too intimate to label it as just friendship. The problem was that she had no idea if Daryl felt the same way. And if she didn't know how he felt, how was she supposed to be okay with other people seeing it and labeling it?

Her brother stopped walking and put his hand on her shoulder, taking her out of her thoughts. 'Hey, are you okay?'

She blinked a few times to get rid of her thoughts. Sometimes she wished she could shut her brain off and not think about things so deeply. 'Yeah, I'm fine,' she mumbled, continuing their walk.

They reached the gate in silence, both of them looking around for weak spots or anything else that could potentialy hurt their family. The walls looked very solid and the gate was build and placed brilliantly. The only thing she found a little strange was the lack of guards on the wall. There was one stationed by the gate but it felt kind off pointless when their was no one looking over the wall to the outside for danger.

She turned on her heels, inspecting the area when her eyes fell on a large white church tower, just outside the walls. She nudged Milo and pointed at it. 'Wouldn't that be perfect as a watch point?'

He looked up at it and nodded. 'Absolutely, I'll run it by Deanna.'

'Run what by Deanna?' Rick had come walking up behind them.

Milo pointed up the tower. 'Perfect place to use as a watchtower.'

Rick narrowed at the building and nodded then. 'I'm going to check the outside panels,' he said, gesturing at the wall.

'We'll check the inside,' Milo promised him and Quinn knew he was just doing it to put the man his conscious at ease.

The two of them made a walk around the community but couldn't seem to find one single weak spot. Quinn took in everything else she saw, the amount of houses, every tree and building on the outside of the wall that could possibly be used as a way in. Meanwhile Milo told her what Deanna had said to him during their conversation. Apparently her husband Reg was a professor of architecture and had designed the walls. Quinn didn't have much knowledge on the subject but could tell that this all pretty impressive.

They ended up walking back to the gate and could see it opening. Glenn, Tara, Noah and two people of Alexandria came walking back inside. They didn't look very happy. From this distance she couldn't make out what they were saying, but she could see that Glenn was seriously pissed, which meant something had gone very wrong. Glenn did not get this pissed that easily.

Milo had clearly come to the same conclusion as he fastened his pace. She almost had to run to keep up with him.

'Look I"m not having this conversation,' the guy from Alexandria said as Quinn and Milo reached the small group. 'You obey my orders out there.'

'Ah, then we're just as screwed as your last run crew,' Glenn snapped back at him.

Someone came walking up besides her and she didn't have to look to know it was Daryl. She could basically feel him getting ready to jump the man that was talking down on Glenn and she felt no urge to try and stop him.

'Say that again,' the man said, taking a step forwards like that would make him more imitating.

'Back off, Aiden,' Tara told him, sounding completely exhausted by the man his behaviour.

The man, Aiden, gave Glenn a push against his chest and Quinn could feel anger flaring up inside of her. She seriously respected Glenn for remaining this calm. 'Come on, tough guy,' Aiden challenged him and she was close to rolling her eyes. He was acting like a bully on the schoolyard, had he not learned to grow up?

'No one's impressed, man,' Glenn told him, his voice ice cold, 'walk away.'

'Aiden!' A woman's voice called out. Deanna came storming towards the scene, demanding to know what was going on.

'This guy's got a problem with the way we do things here,' Aiden explained, not taking his eyes off Glenn.

Well, if that was the case then they were probably doing something wrong.

Aiden turned to look at the tiny woman. 'Why'd you let these people in?'

'Because we actually know what we're doing out there,' Glenn said, his voice still stone cold.

It was clear what Aiden was going to do, long before he even made an attempt to do it. It was written all over his face. So when he turned and launched a punch at Glenn, the Korean dodged it with ease and hit Aiden straight in the face before he could even begin to proces what just happened. Aiden fell on the ground while Deanna demanded for the men to stop fighting, but no one listened to her.

Nicholas ran towards Glenn, but Daryl reached him before he could do any harm and threw him on the ground. Just then, Rick came running through the gate, immediately heading up towards his friend to pull him off the man before he would do some serious harm.

Meanwhile Deanna was still screaming and Quinn almost found it funny how everyone simply ignored her attempts to rise above the situation.

Aiden had jumped back on his feet but before he could do something, Michonne had stepped in front him, wearing her usual deadly scowl. 'You wanna end up on your ass again?'

'I want everyone to hear me, okay?' Deanna tried to get control over the situation now that everyone had calmed down slightly. 'Rick and his people are part of his community now in all ways as equals. Understood?'

Quinn had to admit, for such a tiny woman, she had a loud voice.

'All of you, turn in your weapons, then you two,' she pointed at Aiden and Nicholas, 'come talk to me.' The two men walked away like kids getting scolded at and then Deanna turned to look at Rick. 'I said I had a job for you. I'd like you to be our constable.'

Silence fell and Quinn almost expected her to laugh and tell him she was just kidding, only when that didn't happen she realised the woman was actually serious.

'That's what you were,' Deanna added, 'that's what you are.' Then she turned to look at Michonne. 'And you too. Will you accept?'

Rick frowned slightly but nodded then. 'Okay,' he mumbled.

'Yeah, I'm in,' Michonne added.

Besides her Daryl scoffed and turned to walk away. With one last glare at Deanna, Quinn headed after him, not sure what to feel. They had seen time and time again that the way they used to live, the way they did things before all this, didn't work anymore. She no longer believed in the ways of the old world. Playing cop wasn't going to change the fact that the world outside was a mess, that their family was being put in danger because they were forced to go out there with completely incapable people.

It wasn't just the fact that she didn't trust these people or didn't believe in the way they did things. She was terrified, scared to the bone of losing anyone else. And if they stayed here and tried to live in peace again, they would let their guard down, they'd be weak. And she'd rather live outside those walls than let that happen. She refused to lose anyone else because of these people. If they were somehow to threaten their lives, in any way, she'd kill them. She'd kill them all and take this place.

No one else was dying. Not because of these people. Not on her watch.