YAY, today is my birthday, woohooo!!! I'm so excited!!! As my gift to all of you who have stuck with this story for this long, here's a new chapter!!!

Edited:

Published: Monday, July 31st 2017 9:42 pm

Collided- Chapter Seven

February 26th 2018

My eyes barely stayed open as I swept the floor. They felt heavy and no doubt red as I tried to finish up and go home. I could practically feel and smell of my room and bed at this moment. The week had just started today and I am not feeling it at all. It seemed as though all of my professors had a bet against the other to see how many assignments their students could do. My English professor is definitly in the lead with the most work.

She had assigned us three research papers and two essays to do in a week and a halfs time with a smile. That was only the beginning of the torture, I still had a few classes left in the day before coming here. It's things like this that make me regret going to school. The feeling of being overwhelmed is the worst feeling. This feeling, however, is mixed in with regret. I regret signing up for this semester and even signing up for school at all. I could never tell my family, especially my parents. My Abi would be the most disappointed in me because of how excited he was when I enrolled.

I'm his only biological child which means I have more pressure on me. The rest of my siblings took classses and even graduated with good gpa scores. Zahrah teaches in Alaska, Tehreem is a certified nurse, and Jafar graduated with a business degree of his own but chose a different path: his career. But even now his degree is helping his job in New York.

And then there is me. The youngest and most underestimated, but with the most pressure. The way my parents would portray what they wanted for me to do would be subtle. They wouldn't outright–sometimes–tell me the path that they wanted me to go on. It was more of an undisclosed agreement that we all understood and didn't question. I should have questioned it.

        I stopped sweeping long enough for me to take my injured hand off of the broom and examine it. Even around the splint I had on I could still see the redness of it and a little bruising. That is another thing I definitely do not need right now. If I'm lucky, my doctor will let me take it off in the next two weeks or so, but if she sees this and realizes it's not healing properly, it won't be coming off that soon and I need it off. In order for me to work and do school, I need both of my hands, not just the one.

        "That does not look good," Gloria stood in front of me with a smirk on as she looked at my  hand. She reached out her own hand to touch it, but I pulled away. "Really, girl? I'm not going to break it again, just going to look."

        "It hurts," I said, dragging the broom over to the closet in the back. Gloria followed. I dont feel like getting in to it with her. Today had already been a crappy day and adding Gloria to the mix is bound to make me snap.

        "Well it's reckless to work like that," She voiced, and I sighed. I could already feel myself losing all patience and composure. "You could get hurt worse. Coming in is dumb if you ask me."

Well I didn't ask you, I thought. Oh, how badly I wanted to say that. But then I reminded myself that even if she is annoying and nosy, she is an elder and I have been taught to respect by elders even if they come off wrong. Being disrespectful or speaking your mind always tend to backfire when it's someone like this: persistent.

"I'm handling it well, thanks for the concern," I smiled and walked past her and back to the front. Who knows what else would come out if I stayed longer. Even with closing time in just a few minutes, a few more people came through the stores ready to order. I pitied the cashier that was up there. She had been taking orders all day, mostly for college kids who needed a quick snack, and barely had any breaks. Her messy braids slung over her shoulder, her eyes were blood shot but bright, and she put on a smile. If only I had her spirit.

I made sure to clock out before walking outside and finding a table. Aside from another girl who had her head down in front of a laptop, it was only me and the cool night breeze. Because of where the shop sat, you could see the bright lights of Miami at night. It looked so beautiful! With the amount of times I came in for work, I never have actually sat down and enjoyed the lights and scenery. Sure a lot of people are amazing artists, but Allah by far is the best.

My concentrated gaze was interrupted by the sound of a phone ringing. On any other day I wouldn't care about the phone call or even the conversation, but it was the ringtone that caught my attention. It was the Friends ringtone remix.

"Hello?" The girl answered, answering my own unspoken question. "I'm at that sandwich place...yeah...here's a worker...excuse me?" She asked, and I slowly turned to her thinking she was talking to me, but she was actually taking to Gloria. She lowered her laptop when noticing Gloria's stare at what she was doing and smiled politely. "Do you mind giving my friend directions here?"

"Yeah," Gloria nodded and took the phone from her hand. Alia sat there, trying not to watch her as she spoke on the phone, but it was as if she had to keep an eye on her because of the uncertainty of what she might do. I know because I caught her going through my pictures when asked to call on her credit card.

I decided to go over there. With heavy steps, I went closer and closer until I was standing in front of the table. Gloria shot me a sarcastic-ish smile and turned around to continue giving directions to whoever was on the phone. Alia looked up at me, not in surprise, more like wondering why I was there. It hurt to see that look, but I'm guessing it also hurt when I just walked away from her at the game. She had to have known why I did it and everything, but I'm sure that doesn't curb the hurt that I must've inflicted.

"You work here?" Is the first question she asked after a minute or so of us staying silent. We kept each other's gaze even though I wanted so badly to look away. I nodded. "That's nice," She cleared her throat and opened her laptop again to continue what she was doing.

"For a while now," I answered almost hoarsely. I couldn't help the nervousness I felt when talking to her. I imagine I wouldn't feel this way if I hadn't have walked away so suddenly at the game. I don't want to feel guilty, but inside, I do. "I can explain the game."

"You have nothing to explain," She announced with pursed lips. She kept her gaze between me and her laptop, but more on the laptop.

"I don't hate you," I blurted out and she looked up at me, her face blank. A hint of a smile escaped through her blank expression. Alia pointed towards the seat besides her motioning for me to sit. I did.

"I don't hate you either," She stopped typing on her laptop long enough to say this. "Thank you," She said to Gloria when she handed her phone back. Alia opened her mouth to say something but stopped when Gloria continued to stand there. "Do you need anything?"

"No!" Gloria exclaimed with a laugh and turned around to go back inside. Alia sent me a look asking what that was about, which I turned with a head shake.

"I guess I'm just confused," She sighed and folded her hands over her laptop. I sat up myself and waited for her to continue. "I know we haven't spoken or seen each other in a long time, but what did I do to piss you off?"

My eyes widened. "It wasn't you."

"Then what, Jamila?" She asked in confusion. I could see the wheels turning in her head for answers that I didn't know how to say. She was there two years ago and would understand, but it was stupid to admit why I left. I always said I was over it. I didn't want to look as pathetic as I feel. "Oh..."She said softly as if reading my mind. I looked up at her to see the look of pity I was trying to avoid.

"I just had to get away," I said simply. Alia continued to look at me but then quickly changed her expression from pity to understanding. "I felt so small and vulnerable," I finally explained what I was feeling since then. I never spoke these out loud to anyone or anything. If I even mentioned this situation again I would get waved off and told all of things I do wrong most of the time. Alia is the closest one to understand.

"It must suck," Alia picked up her bottle of water and took a sip. "It must suck to feel this way even after all of this time, doesn't it?"

"Like you wouldn't believe," I scoffed and placed my hands on the table. My movements alerted Alia who zeroed her eyes in on my arm.

"What happened?" She asked, nodding towards my splint.

"An accident," I looked down at my own arm and replayed what happened in my head. Even now, the thought of it makes it hurt like never before. "A lot has happened in the past few years."

"Yes it has," She laughed and sat back in her chair.

"Is it going to always be like this from now on? Us acting like strangers?" I asked.

"We practically are," She stated and my heart sunk. Once upon a time we were very close, now we can barely hold a conversation. This should be a lesson to anyone who has a great friend in their life. Never lose touch or take them for granted because it won't end well from either side. "I hope not," She finally said, making me smile. "I never asked how you were doing here. How is it?"

        "What do you mean?" I felt my heart rate pick up out of nervousness.

        Alia shrugged again and placed her bottle back on the table. "I mean you look pretty solemn all of the time. That's not you."

        "Maybe it's the new me," I stated with a chuckle, but it felt like I was trying to convince myself more than her, but even I didn't believe it. Everyone else did because I convinced them I was growing up. But I still feel small and fifteen again.

        "I don't believe that," She sang and went back to typing on her computer. I don't want you to believe it, I thought. I want you to see the truth, what I feel. "But if it is the new you," She began to smile and my heart sank, "I can live what that."

        Inside I felt like everyone I could talk to and would listen to me believed the lie too. They are as clueless as the others with no idea of what's going on. When Tehreem finally arrived to pick me up after her shift, I stayed silent the whole ride back home. My head was lost in the non existent clouds on this clear night, and my brain is besides itself with everything I'm thinking. It felt too hard to comprehend. I just wanted to be alone and drift off to sleep for some reason. My heart felt restricted, my heart hurt, and I just wanted this long day to be over. All of my papers and assignments just made it worse when I realized I was working on limited time.

        Like I had told Alia earlier, everything felt like too much. As soon as I unlocked the house door and went straight for the stairs, Tehreem called me back before I could make it half way up.

"Are you alright?" She stood in front of the steps with her arms folded and concern in her eyes. I guess she did notice something when I wasn't talking and giving her clipped replies to her questions. Now as she stood there, she had her worried mother mode on.

"I'm just tired," I cleared my throat. To emphasize my point, I lifted my hand up to rub my eyes.

"Alright," She sighed and moved her hands down to sit on her hips. "Abi called," She said, making my eyes light up. We talked a few times over the last few days but not for long. Either one or the both of us would turn up busy and wouldn't be able to have a lot of time with each other. "Why didn't you tell me you wanted to go back home after the semester?"

"Because this is my home," I gestured around the house with a lopsided smile to which she rolled her eyes. "Because I wasn't sure if I would go."

During our talks he had mentioned coming to visit as soon as possible but I didn't give him an answer. I wanted to say yes so badly but something was pulling me back. By the time I had found my words he had to leave for work.

"It has been a while since you were back there," Tehreem said softly. "It's okay to feel homesick."

"I'm not," I sat down on the step I was standing on and folded my arms over my knees. "Are you okay?" Tehreem had closed her eyes and sucked in a deep breath. She slowly walked towards the couch and placed her hand on her back again. In concern, I walked over to the couch and stood in front of her. "Tehreem..."

"Can you hand me my purse?" She asked hoarsely. Not even questioning it, I hurried over to the kitchen to grab her purse. Once I returned, she stop plucking her leg long enough to grab it and reach inside for a pill bottle. My heart kept beating faster and faster while I waited for her to take them. "They won't work for a few minutes," She answered my unspoken question. "But they will work. You said you were tired, you should get some rest."

"But–"

"Go," She said sternly and slowly placed her back against the couch.

Reluctantly, I complied to her request and went upstairs, but not to bed. I pulled out my laptop and began to research all night long until I could figure out what was wrong with her. Google may be the last place anyone needs to self diagnose, but I had no choice. She didn't want me to tell anyone or even speak about it. It's her life so I did as she asked, but that doesn't mean I can't do research on my own. I wouldn't feel right if I didn't do all that I could to help her out.

Before I knew it the sun was rising and shining through the window turning me into a squinting and hissing vampire at it. I hadn't even realized how late it was until I checked the time. I saved and closed out of the essay I was writing and finished off the last of my coffee and made b-line for the bathroom. It wouldn't be long until Zak, Mina, and Amna got up for school and the last thing I want to do is fight over a bathroom. That didn't end too well last time.

"Oh, no," My hand was right around the doorknob to the bathroom when Tehreem's voice stopped me. She had just come upstairs with her own cup of coffee and narrowed her eyes at me. "You didn't sleep last night, did you?"

"Nope," I shook my head fast, giving myself a headache in the process. If only I had known when to stop going to get coffee last night. "I'm going to for a few hours before going to work today."

"You're always working," She laughed and I nodded. "Don't you do anything fun?"

"I'm meeting up with Alia later," I said, and she raised an eyebrow.

"Blast from the past," She said lowly and clicked her tongue. "Haven't heard that name in a while. You used to be close, right?"

"Very," I nodded. The same flashbacks of us growing up flashed before my eyes as I said that, making me realize just how stupid it was for us to lose touch with each other.

"That's good. I'm going to rest a little before the kids get up, but you have fun. You work hard at work and school. You deserve some time to yourself. Enjoy yourself."

"Thanks, I'll try."

"And about last night..."She moved closer to me so that she could lower her voice. I know how much she doesnt want her kids to hear her so I stayed silent. "I'm fine. I talked to one of the doctors at the hospital to prove it."

"So you can be helped?" I felt myself perk up at that. Whether it was from the coffee or not, that news would have had me jumping up and down any day.

"Yes–umph," She grunted as I wrapped my arms around her and gave her a hug.

"I'm so happy."

"Yeah," She said hoarsely, and slowly returned the hug. It was as if she was willing herself to do so but didn't really want to. Like she didn't fully believe what she told me or that something else was wrong. Maybe I'm reading too much into this. It could be the coffee and lack of sleep thinking, but it could also be true.

***

I know I keep mentioning the situation with Jamila and her past a lot, but it has a lot to do about her character and personality. She never fully gotten over what happened two years prior or the feelings of insecurities that she has. She put herself out there for years and never truly got over that. Through this story I will be exploring a lot of the things she's feeling like adulthood and self confidence. I really feel like her story is one that is looked over a lot and needs to be addressed. I also feel that she's not alone in what she's going through and that a lot of people–whether they show it like her–feel the same way.

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