Yoongi's POV-

Kook just texted and said that his mother had cancelled lunch but was going to try to have us get together for dinner instead.

I wish she would just cancel everything. Her visit made me realize that I need a longer break between having strong, intimidating women I feel the need to impress and keep happy in my life.

Maybe we'll get lucky and something will come up.

I doubt it, but maybe.

He also said that he is going to go to sleep and that I can come down whenever and sleep with him.

It's tempting, but I still have some things I can do on my computer so I decided instead to get my laptop and whatever else I need in order to finish things up gathered together to take down with me. That way, once I'm done or too tired I'll already be there with him.

I tuck my laptop under my arm and drape my charging chord and headphones around my shoulders before I step out of my apartment, locking the door behind me.

I make it over to the elevator. It takes a minute to open but when it does I am surprised to see a familiar figure pacing back and forth in the small space with his arms folded tightly. 

"Jin?"

When he hears my voice his head snaps in my direction before he rushes to me.

"I'm sorry if I have caught you at a bad time." He says as he looks over all of the things I have in my arms apologetically.

"Not a bad time, it's just late. Are you okay?"

"Can we talk? Please?" He says as he stares at me with pleading eyes.

"Okay, let's head back inside."

"Thank you. Thank you so much."

He follows me back into my apartment, walking straight ahead to the window as I move to the kitchen to place my laptop and headphones on the counter.

I walk up next to him, hearing him breathing heavily. It's only now I notice that his whole being appears to be shaking. He seems uneasy.

"Would you like to take a seat?" I say as I put a hand on his shoulder. "Or do you want some water?"

"Water would be great. Thank you."

I turn back to the kitchen to fulfill his request.

I bring him the water and he drinks about half of it in just a few gulps. He then steps towards the table and sets the glass down before he sets his hands on the table while he hangs his head.

A tense silence settles as I wait for him to speak, but it gets interrupted when I start to hear quiet sniffles.

"Jin?"

He looks up me slowly with teary eyes.

"Is he here?" He asks in a shaky voice.

"No. He isn't staying here anymore."

He moves around the table, pulls out a chair to take a seat while I take the seat across from him.

His pupils are shaking as he stares at the table, his eyes full of worry.

"Hyung, what's going on?" I ask softly.

"I said he shouldn't exist. That people like him shouldn't exist." He whispers as he closes his eyes, a few stray tears escape. "I told him that I wasn't like him... that I would never be like him..."

He pauses as he lets more tears escape down his cheeks.

"I just- I told him all the things I'd been telling myself," he sniffles, taking a shaking inhale of breath. "He was so young. I should have been more sensitive. I knew he was confused, so was I, but in that moment I was just so embarrassed and confused that I... I freaked out. I spoke without thinking."

He puts his head down on the table as he lets his tears fall freely.

He told him he shouldn't exist?

"I can't bring myself to speak to him. I can't. I've been avoiding him." He lifts his head off of the table to look at me, "How do you apologize for making someone want to end their life? I don't- I don't know what I would tell him-" He cuts off his sentence as he lets out a sob as a few tears escape my eyes as well.

Namjoon said Kook was fourteen when he met him so he was only fourteen when this happened with Jin.

I'm trying to keep a level head and listen to my friend. Trying to understand from his perspective what he was feeling. But I am having a very difficult time thinking objectively about this.

My heart is aching that he is upset but I also want to raise my voice and ask him what the fuck he was thinking.

Confused or not, he should have been more sensitive to Kook. He was just a kid!

I decide it is better if I just stay quiet. Wait to see if he will continue so I can try to understand.

"I had a suspicion that he may have had a crush on me. Instead of being up front, telling him I wasn't sure about my sexuality and got ahead of the situation I was vain and liked the attention.

"I hadn't had that type of attention before. Girls were always flirting with me but I wasn't interested. I'd never really had a boy be so forward and show so much interest. Whether he meant to do it or not, he was a flirt. And I enjoyed it selfishly.

"I had never kissed a boy before. I had thought about it but never dared to do it. That day in my room I could tell he was anxious. He had come over and I answered the door.

"He asked if Tae was there and of course he wasn't, but he already knew that. He had begun to prefer Tae not be home when he came to hang out at the house. After I told him he wasn't he asked if I had gotten my latest batch of prints back and I told him I had.

"He asked to see them and we went up to my room where I had the pictures. This wasn't anything new. We had done this on a few occasions. He was interested in photography and it was something we enjoyed talking about together.

"I could tell he was anxious and I didn't quite know why. He kept saying my name and starting sentences but would turn them into questions. I just pushed my thoughts to the side and excused it as him having an off day and being distracted by something.

"I was showing him a picture I had taken and as I turned to face him he kissed me. It was a quick but I was completely stunned. He was my first kiss with a boy."

He stops again to let a few more sobs out, still not looking at me.

"I liked it. I wanted to kiss him again... and it made me mad. Furious. I had been spending the whole summer away from my parents and my friends to get over these thoughts. To overcome this inner struggle I was having. To force myself to be 'normal.' And he ruined everything.

"Without even thinking I just unloaded on him everything I was feeling. I wasn't even really talking to him. It was almost like I was talking out loud to myself and he was just, there.

"When I realized he was still cowering on my bed while I yelled I was mortified. Not only with myself but with the situation as a whole. I told him to leave and that I never wanted to see him again.

"After he left that day and for a long time after I couldn't even remember everything I said. It was like I blacked out during the conversation. It took weeks for me to piece together and remember everything. The horrendous things I said.

"Even after I started remembering I was in denial that those things would actually come out of my mouth. But they did. Namjoon confirmed it when he sat down with me in that diner.

"At first I told him to fuck off. That it was none of his business, but then he started telling me I wasn't the only one upset. That I didn't have any right to be upset. He told me how much I had effected JK and how heartbroken he was. How I broke his heart.

"He demanded to know why I said what I did, so I began to tell him what I had been feeling and that I didn't mean to say those things to him. That I wasn't thinking and I was more upset that I enjoyed it then I was at him for doing it.

"I explained my feelings I didn't understand and how I was trying to understand them and he told me that everything I was saying was how JK had been feeling.

"He started giving me advice and telling me the things that he says comforted JK when he was upset and so he began to help me as well. That's how we began. He came to yell at me for hurting his friend and ended up trying to help me understand who I was."

Another silence settles over us, myself still not being able to speak as I am still trying to comprehend and analyze what he's saying.

"Namjoon told me how hurt JK was. How everything I said cut him deeply. He said that there were days that he couldn't even be left alone. That he couldn't be trusted to bathe without Namjoon or his mother with him because they didn't know what he would do. How or if he would try to hurt himself.

"His mother had to give him CPR more than once because he stayed under the water during a bath too long. He'd had to be rushed to the hospital to have his stomach pumped because he'd ingested a palm full of pills twice as well... because of me."

Now I let out a choked sob. I can't imagine the pain he must have been in.

I know how lost, how worthless and helpless, you have to feel to think ending yourself is a better alternative then having to feel how you're feeling for one more second.

"I never told Joonie everything that I said that day because I was trying to save myself from judgement. He wouldn't look at me the same." He looks up at me. "You probably aren't going to see me the same, but I don't know where else to-"

"That's bullshit. You do know where else to go." I say as I brush tears from my cheeks. It comes out a bit harsh, but I can't even begin to real in my anger anymore.

"You need to talk to Kook. Definitely not anytime soon. His talk with Namjoon was very overwhelming for him and I don't think he's ready to talk to you, so don't fucking force yourself on him, but don't say that you don't know where else you should go.

"You've known, you said yourself you've been avoiding him. And it hasn't just been so that he could have time to come to you. You've been trying to buy time for yourself."

He nods sadly. "You're right. You're absolutely right. I've been extremely selfish." He lays his head down on the table. "I just wish I could go back and change it. That I could forget the whole thing."

"I would imagine Kook probably has wished for the same thing."

"Joonie is furious with me. He moved some of his stuff back to his place and said he needs some time to think. He's deeply hurt that I didn't tell him everything. I don't blame him..."

"I just... I really don't know what to say. I don't know if I was the best person to come to either. I have known you for a long time, and I wish I could be more supportive and offer more words of encouragement, but he means so fucking much to me, and you hurt him.

"I'm having an extremely hard time not acting irrationally and keeping myself together." I take a deep breath as I clench and unclench my fists under the table.

I look back at him as he continues to let the tears roll down his cheeks. I reach my hand out to place it on his.

"You will always be like a brother to me and I know what it's like to be confused. I'm truly sorry that you had such a difficult time, but I am on the verge of losing my composure.

"I think it might be best if you go... We can talk at a later time when I've calmed down, but I don't want to say anything that will damage our relationship."

He sniffles and moves his hand away from me as he wipes both of his cheeks and nods. "I understand." He slides the chair back and stands up. "Thank you for listening to me, Yoongi. Thank you for letting me get some of my thoughts out."

"I'll be in touch Jin. Just let me calm down okay?" I stand up from my seat and move to pull him into a hug. "I apologize for not being more supportive in the moment. I promise I will gather my thoughts and call you, okay? We can meet up again."

I pull away from the hug and keep my hands on his shoulders. "I will always be here for you. You are never alone okay. Just give me some time."

He nods, "I know Yoongs. Thank you."

We both turn towards the door and I walk him out in silence. We nod at each other before I shut and lock the door after him.

I walk back into the apartment and stand in front of the window, glaring at the city lights as I press my palms against the glass and try to calm myself down.

My mind is racing with so many thoughts. I can't concentrate. I can't focus on one topic, I just keep jumping around sporadically.

After several minutes of staring down at the busy street I can't handle my racing thoughts anymore and turn to the counter where my laptop is. I grab it along with my headphones and stomp to my studio.

I need to get this all out on paper. I have to get these thoughts and emotions out of my system.