Confrontations

Tiffany POV

I was early. 30 minutes early and I've been waiting at Starbucks for her. She's late. She was never late to meet me. In fact she was the one who was always early back then. I guess things have changed. Meeting me is no longer a priority. Its these small changes that add on to the hurt of her moving on. It reminds me that she's no longer mine. But again, I know I deserve it. Still I can't seem to kill the hope that we could be more again..

I've been nervous ever since she called me 2 days ago to arrange this. Even though I'd been thinking of what to say to her even before I left America I still haven't worked it out. There are so many ways to state the truth. I stare at my coffee lost in my own thoughts. Suddenly.

'Tiffany'

I look up and there she is.. sitting across from me. I've dreamed of this moment. I want to hug her, to kiss her, to tell her that I love her. I want to do so many things all at once but I can't. I read her body language and I can't. She's leaned back on her chair putting more distance between us. She has her arms crossed and I can see the tension in her posture. It isn't the most welcoming sight. I unconciously grip the edge of my seat so tightly I know my knuckles are turning white.

'I'm going to get a drink, do you want anything else?' she asks are thoughtful as ever even though I sense the hesitation in her voice.

She is however refusing to look at me much less look me in the eye. And I'm crushed again. Its more evident than ever how much I hurt her. She was never like this. She was always strong and bold, adorable and loving.

'No thanks, I'm fine'

She heads off and knowing her as I do she's probably is sorting out her thoughts and feelings. She's trying to figure out how she's holding up after seeing me again. She's checking on the status of her injuries. I've seen her act this way in many situations when we were together. She always wanted to deal with things on her own before talking to anyone. Some things never change I suppose. I'm glad.

You come back with a coffee and resume you position across from me. And still you refuse to look at me. Do I scare you that much Taeyeon? Do you hate me that much?

I know I have to start this conversation because you're not going to. You've retreated into your own world. Your defenses are up and I understand you're trying to protect yourself.

'How have you been?' I ask.

You take a deep breath and finally you look at me and your words are like a knife cutting into my heart. 'I'm with Jessica now'.

I understand that you want to make it clear to me that things have changed and that you're not mine anymore. It hurts but I smile anyway. 'I know, I heard. Yuri told me.' And then there's silence. It gets really awkward.

'Why are you back?' you ask hesitantly. I don't want to answer that directly because I know you don't want to hear than I'm back for you. And I don't want to scare you away as well.

'Taetae, I know its not enough to say that I'm sorry but I am.' You want to say something and I stop you. 'just hear me out first alright? I'll let you rant at me once I'm done.' You nod and I take a deep breath to steady myself. I don't want to say the wrong words. I just want to explain myself. Even if she doesn't understand I need to explain myself.

'I left to pursue a singing career in America. I was spotted by a small American talent agency while I was at a shopping centre in Seoul. He called me in for an audition at their Korean office. I went and he offered me the opportunity to be trained in America. He said that my singing career would probably start small but if it turned out well I could become a real artist. I never told you before that I wanted to be a singer. You were always the one who sang, not me. You are so much better than me vocally. I never felt comfortable telling you about my dream. I never felt confident enough to sing to you. And I honestly... I honestly was jealous of your talent.'

This whole time I'm talking I'm just staring at my coffee because I won't be able to tell her all this if I looked at her. So far that was the easy part. I take another deep breath to steady myself then I continue.

'At about that time you were looking at rings. Not just couple rings but wedding ring-ish rings. You were talking about getting an apartment together. You were asking me about how many kids we should have. You scared me Taetae. We were 22 and you were talking about forever in a very real way and I got scared. I'm not saying I didn't love you. I did. I'm not saying that I didn't want to spend forever with you. I did. But I was 22 and there were so many things I wanted to do that being with you wouldn't allow me to. I was selfish. I know I was. I admit to that... but I'm back now and I know I can never really make it up to you. I'm not asking for your forgiveness because I don't deserve it but I am sorry. I've got a job and an apartment now and I'm staying. I'm just hoping that we can at least be friends.'

I look up at her to try to read her reaction. But her expression is unreadable. Still, I can tell she's trying to deal with everything she's heard from me. I remain silent as I wait for her response. I can't help but look at the floor to hide. Hide what and hide from who I don't really know. I just can't look at her as well. Minutes pass as the jury is out on the verdict. I keep glancing up at her in my nervousness. She's just been looking at her untouched coffee as well but then she finally speaks in a whisper.

'I never really knew you did I? Its only now that I hear you wanted to be a singer. We were together for years and I never knew about this side of you... and I never knew you would be the type to just up and leave me. I never knew you could be so cruel. I didn't know if you were dead, crippled, alive or just.. I don't know... I didn't know where you were. You didn't even leave a voicemail or a note. Do you know how suffering it is to not know where the person you love is? To not know if she is safe? To not know why she left? To think it was because I wasn't the one she loved? To think that I was just played and that we were nothing but a joke?'

I can see your anger seep through you as you tighten the grip on your coffee mug. I can hear your anger through your tone. Not once did you look at me. Did you despise me that much that you couldn't look at me?

You take a deep breath to try to calm yourself down and you continue your onslaught. I know that mostly you don't mean to but your words and what it does to me... its like a massacre.

'I suppose you never really loved me either because you don't treat the people you love that way. You could have told me and we could've worked things out. If we couldn't work it out in the end, at least we tried as a couple. I would've supported you all the way. You say I'm more talented than you. So what? Singing wasn't my dream. You were my dream. I would've done anything for you. If you told me bout the talent agency I would've gone to America with you. But you decided for us without consulting me. You say I scared you. I don't see anything wrong with what I did. I loved you and I was ready to be your wife. If you told me you needed more time I wouldn't have rushed you. At least I would have tried not to rush you. You never understood just how deep my love for you was. You never gave us a chance. You didn't even bother saying goodbye to me. You really really really hurt me.'

The funny thing is that you're not shouting at me or yelling at me. You're just speaking plainly and truthfully, keeping your emotions at bay. That hurts more for some reason. Its like I'm not even worth you being furious at. I'm not worth any emotion.

I honestly didn't know how to react as I hear her words, a huge part of me just wants to cry and beg for her forgiveness but I deserve everything she says. I know she's not saying this to purposely hurt me. She just needs to let it out. She pauses and finally looks me in the eye. 'Honestly, I still am in love with you. But we can't get back. I've got Jessica now. She won't leave me or treat me the way you did. I'm not even sure I can be friends with you right now.'

'We can't?' I can't help but voice. I'm glad that she still has love for me but her decision... we can't even be friends? Whatever it is I need her in my life.

'Taetae please..'

I reach across the table to grab hold of her hand but as soon as she feels my touch she retracts her hand. As if my touch were scalding her.

'Don't call me that. I am not your Taetae and you are not my mushroom. When you disappeared you made it clear that we didn't belong to each other... The thing is, if I didn't meet Jessica I would be hugging and kissing you right now. But she made me realise that I deserve better than you. I'm worth more than how you treated me.'

I start to tear from the corner of my eyes. I wanted to be strong for this but she's killing me right now. She's not even giving me a backdoor into her life. I know she deserves better but I can't take back what I did. I want to spend the rest of my life making it up to her but she's not willing to let me.

'Please Taet.. please Taeyeon. Think this through. You just need some space and time to think about this. Don't shut me out yet. Please. I know you don't owe me anything after all this but please... don't shut me off now. Just think about it first ok?' I beg.

You nod and turn to stare off into space. I can see you're struggling and there's an inner battle waging within you. and I'm happy that at least you are considering.

You suddenly get up 'I gotta go. I'm meeting Jessica. Bye.' And you walk off.

You haven't even had your coffee.