The sound of the shower had woken me up that morning. I never slept well when Baz was in the room, but I never slept well when he wasn't either. I think I slept even worse over the summers when he was off in his Victorian gothic mansion and I was stuck in a boys' home in London. Looking back, I missed him.

It was the last day of the year, which is why Baz was up so early that morning. I'm always up before he is, but I know he was eager to leave that day. I would be too if I had better things to go to. I pretended to be asleep but I watched him walk out the door, and over his shoulder he had called to me "Have a good summer, Simon." I never told anyone about that, not even Penny. I tell her everything.

When Baz didn't show up for the first day the next year, my gut told me he had been royally screwed. I was absolutely right too as I found out he'd been kidnapped by numpties, because someone, I suspect the Mage, had incentivized them to. I missed him then too.

When he lit the forest outside of his house on fire in a suicidal rage and I kissed him just to shut him up, it felt like I had finally crossed a bridge that had been waiting to be crossed. Almost as if I had been standing, staring, unsure how to use my legs. With that kiss, I walked right across. I think that was when I decided I couldn't live without that bastard of a vampire. He's flammable. He could have died. I try not to think about it now.

When I lost my magick, I was beyond devastated. Being a wizard was the one thing that had kept me grounded during the grueling summer. No one ever wanted me then. Anyone only ever cared when I was at Watford, exploding and kissing vampires in the catacombs at night. When I lost that, I felt like I had lost everything. I had to remind myself over and over again, I hadn't lost everything. I hadn't lost Penelope. I hadn't lost Baz. If anything, I'd gained a few things, even if one of those things was trauma.

My therapist told me that I should think of it that way. I hadn't lost everything, it only felt that way. It took a long time to recuperate after the fact. Baz still loved me even when I would wake up crying and screaming in his arms though. Baz still loved me even when I pushed him away and didn't talk to him for days. Baz still loved me even when I yelled at him for teasing me like before. He never once got mad at me for all of those things. All he did was love me.

Then Baz left for America, for an exhibition of exceptional young minds, and it last for months on end. I didn't see him for half a year, and it was more often than not miserable. I was always worried and jealous and insecure. What if he left me for some American lad who didn't cry at everything? What if he got hurt? What if he became a different person or realized I wasn't enough for him?

Within a week I had found myself lost and hopeless. I wished I didn't have to be so reliant, but I was. I was never as independent as I pretended. I had always needed someone else to make me feel whole and driven. Without that someone else, I was once again in my abyss of misdirection and hopelessness. I was lost. How could I conquer the world now? I could hardly conquer it before when I had magick, how could I do it without? Moreover, how could I do it without Baz?

Nevertheless, Baz tried to make everything as wonderful as it could be with thousands of miles of ocean between us. I wished I could drown in that ocean after every call. It felt like I was almost breathing again, and as soon as he hung up I would be pulled back into the undertow. I wished I could drown for real.

One night I had called Penny in tears, telling her I'd ended it. I'd broken up with him. When she'd asked why, I couldn't choke anything out, not even air, let alone words. At fifteen minutes away, she got here in five and held me while I cried. I wanted to tell her I had ended it because I couldn't handle almost having him. I just wanted him here again. I knew I should have been able to heal on my own, but the truth was that I needed him. I needed him more than anything. I needed him and he was in stupid America.

I had had a numb day, which was better than most days then, and wanted nothing more than to eat dinner and go to sleep. I had gotten psychiatric leave from my job, and no matter how guilty I felt about not being there, I felt even more guilty about my decision with Baz. I regretted it more than anything. My therapist wouldn't let me change my mind though. She said that I needed to let Baz come home before I changed my mind. Baz had another three months in America, though, and I just wanted to take it back now.

When the door unlocked, I assumed it was Penny checking on me, so I paid no mind. But when Baz stepped through soaking wet, I nearly cried. I did cry the moment my arms wrapped around his shoulders.

"I got the earliest flight I could," he had said. "I wanted to be here three days ago, but—"

"Shut up. Shut up, I love you," I cried.

"I wasn't going to let you go that easily, Simon Snow. I love you, too."