"A prolonged angst can create a state of disorientation and detachment, an efficacious blinding, a dangerous proliferation of imagination, and trigger a mechanism of involution by establishing an atmosphere of interior insecurity."

- Jean Delumeau, La Peur En Occident

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Dedicated to @srishti_chakraborty who has been waiting for the update impatiently and encouraged and inspired me with her cute manners... Thank you for everything... :)

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"I am going back to London!"

He informed her in a whisper as he stared at the wall in front of him.

"What? Shravan? What are you saying?" She asked, shocked, and then she suddenly felt anger consume her, "I thought you promised that you wouldn't go back again," she snapped at him as she glared at him.

He had promised her, his father, everyone that he would stay, and now at the sight of the first trouble he encountered, he once again was ready to run away. His needless decision enraged her. She never understood why he felt the need to flee whenever something bad happened. Why was running away always his first thought?

"I did promise that. Because of my father, I wanted to stay back. You and Pushkar too wanted me here, but what you wanted in the past doesn't mean anything now, does it?" He said before shaking his head with a half-smile.

A smile that made her feel as if he was mocking her, telling her that how dare she assume that he would always stay by her side, how dare she think that no matter what she did, no matter how she behaved, no matter how much she pushed him, he would always be at her side, how dare she?

Was she so wrong in thinking she would never lose him? Was she so wrong in believing that no matter how much they fought, no matter what she did, he would forgive her? There was a part of her that was sure he could never stay indifferent towards her as she hadn't been able to remain indifferent towards him either, but it seemed she was wrong...

"Pushkar is happily married and will start his own family soon. There is no need for me to continue to be around," he said, feeling the need to explain to her his decision.

"And Papa..." He said, only to stop with a deep sigh, then shook his head, before continuing, "Some distance between us will do us more good than me staying back," he concluded, his voice firm and his stance unmovable.

"And what about others?" she asked him with a glare, testing how long and hard he was going to defend his sudden decision. Or was it sudden?

'Has he been planning it for all this time?' she wondered as she narrowed her eyes at him.

"My presence doesn't make that much of a difference, Suman. It wouldn't matter to them. In fact, Chachi would be so happy to know that I am finally leaving. She has been trying to send me back ever since I came back and now she would finally get her perfect little family back," he said before smirking bitterly as his mind picked exactly that moment to flash in front of his eyes the Malhotra family portrait that was on display on almost every wall of the Malhotra house.

As the picture of the Malhotra family kept flashing in front of his eyes, he was once again reminded how that was actually the Malhotra family, as it has always been for them and everyone else. His Chachi was not wrong to feel he was an outsider - he himself felt he was one - because that was the truth. That had been the reason he had been so restlessly proving his loyalties and his worth, seeking acceptance and approval from each member of the family. It was unnecessary; he realized it now...

No one in the world would give him the family he craved and longed for. He had no family, there were the Malhotras and then there were Ahujas - his parents' individual extended families he could never be a part of - he belonged to neither of them. His father may not have gotten married again, but that didn't mean he was able to give Shravan the family he craved. But he could not complain about it. Instead, he had tried, had always been on the mission to make his place in the family his father thought of as his own, but they never were going to be Shravan's; he realized that now more than ever, as the only string - his father - which connected him to others was broken.

Rubbing his eyes, Shravan refused to let the matter affect him. Never before he had taken the occasional - intentional and unintentional - comments about being an outsider to the Malhotra family to his heart and he refused to let the truth hurt him now. He had not been part of the family for the past decade and he knew it was natural to be seen as an outsider, to be an outsider for them, and he had been always very realistic about it.

So why now it was hurting more than an occasional pang of hurt and loneliness? He had known; he had always known of having no family, no one apart from his father.

And now even his father was lost to him...

Seeing Shravan trying to act as if it didn't matter to him, trying to appear as if nothing could hurt him, Sumab felt her heart crack and her rage evaporated into thin air. She softened her gaze, no longer glaring at him, and she asked what wanted to know.

"And me? What about me?" She asked with her voice no more than a whisper.

Her question suddenly made him look at her, and then he smiled sadly as he shook his head at her.

"Come on, Suman Tiwari, last month proved that you can very well live without me being around you. In fact, now you must have gotten used to it. You too would be fine," he said, mockingly patting her shoulder, assuring her while his eyes only held complaints he tried to hide, hurt he tried to mask.

"Shravan, even now? Now you know why I did what I did, then why?" She quietly asked before looking down at her hands as once again regret and guilt hit her with full force. She didn't have any strength to keep looking in his eyes, she admitted to herself, she could not...

"Excuses or the reasons don't justify the outcomes for me, Suman, not anymore. I honestly don't care why you did - what you have been doing until yesterday. What's important is that you did it, despite knowing how much I was hurting, you still did it," he said calmly, firmly in a very detached manner as if he didn't care, pretending, lying to even himself that it no longer mattered to him, no longer it could hurt him...

As Suman kept looking at him, she started to believe what he was trying to portray, as there was no anger in his voice nor did his eyes hold any hurt or vulnerability he had been showing just a few minutes back. For some strange reason, there was suddenly only acceptance in there. His eyes were red and dry and he kept blinking them too much, but there was suddenly a calmness around him that wasn't natural. She noticed everything as she looked at him, wondering what he was accepting. Why was he so calm? And as if reading the question in her eyes, he continued.

"And it's okay, really. I understand now. I can't force you to feel something you can't," he whispered, before closing his eyes and shaking his head. "I should have known better. It was very immature of me to do the things I did, to say the things I said." He admitted with a sigh.

"You know, in school, whenever I used to hear the guys talking about girls in such a manner, I used to shiver in disgust, thinking I was better than them. And look at what I have done now. Something far worse than what those immature teens ever could." He said as he shook his head, letting out an ironic laugh.

"So, Miss Suman Tiwari," he called her out with a small smile on his face, and only when she looked up at him, he continued, "It's okay. Don't feel bad or guilty about anything that happened. It's okay!" He assured her in a gentle voice.

But the way he was talking only scared her more, the way he was behaving was too strange, so unlike the Shravan she knew - the one who lashed out when hurt and yelled in anger. The man sitting next to her was someone else; she realized as she stared back at him with eyes wide open from shock and a sudden and unknown fear gripped her heart when he only shrugged nonchalantly at her...

He was not okay; she realized as she looked into his eyes, at his expressionless face. He looked exhausted and worn out; the man sitting in front of her was nothing like the Shravan whose eyes would burn, lit up in the flames of anger and rage, passionately consumed in his lash-outs whenever he thought she had wronged him. But now, sitting in front of her, even the sharp tongue that spat acid to burn the person standing up to him was silent to her, holding back, refusing to act on the hurt, the pain, and the anger she knew he had in him.

Letting out a shuddering sigh, she decided that she preferred the angry Shravan who shouted and taunted her more than the calm, understanding but distant Shravan that was sitting in front of her now. Her hand shot up without her consent and reached out to cup his face to make him look at her, and when she realized her action, she didn't withdraw. As he looked up at her, she got to know that this time around, she would have to fight for him to react the way the Shravan she has gotten used would react, because she could deal with that Shravan, she knew him, but the one sitting in front of her was a stranger to her...

"Shravan, why aren't you doing something? Say something, anything, be angry, whatever, but don't do this," she pleaded with him as she kept looking into his tired eyes.

"For the first time in my life, I am not angry at you, Suman, and you want me to be angry at you?" He asked with an amused smile, slowly shaking his head at her.

"Wait, this is your new way to take revenge, right? You just know how it would mess with my sanity, that's why you are doing this," Suman accused, giving her heart a justification, a reason to not tremble in fear. No. No, he was not going away, he wasn't locking himself in, he was just too angry to let it appear as if he cared.

She tried to tell herself it was nothing new, just Shravan being his vindictive self. She tried to assure herself that his decision was only an innovative way of his to punish her for hurting him. But when he calmly smiled at her and gently took her trembling hand in his, she suddenly feared the man sitting in front of her more than she had ever been afraid of anyone.

"No revenge, Suman, no more..." He simply said as he shook his head while looking at her with no expression on his face, not even his eyes gave away something. There was only emptiness and numbness in there as if he really had given up on everything.

"Then what are you doing, Shravan? Why? Why do you want to leave?" She asked as her voice quavered and tears slowly slipped from her eyes.

"Because I am tired of being hurt, Sumo, and I am tired of hurting you. This endless cycle has to stop and that can only happen if I go away," he explained after letting out a tiring sigh.

"Why are you doing this to me, Shravan? I am sorry, so sorry. Please, don't go," she pleaded with him as she got hold of both his hands and held them tightly in between hers.

"I am not doing anything to you, Suman. It's not a punishment. I am setting both of us free from the hurt only we can inflict on each other. How can you not understand that after seeing just how blinded by rage I become when you push me away? How can you not want this to stop?" He asked softly as he gently pulled one of his hands from hers to wipe her tears away, letting the other hand remain in her tight grip.

"I don't want to be free from you, please, don't go. Whatever it is, it's better than you not being here," she whispered in between sobs that were making her breathing irregular.

"Sumo, don't cry like this, and listen to me," he told her in a softer tone as he gently wiped her tears and held her hand before continuing.

"We always do something to hurt each other, repeatedly. It's like a never-ending pattern; you push me away and I always lash out, hurt you in the ways I never ever wanted to. Hurting you has never been something I ever wanted to do, Sumo, and there was a time in my life when I was so sure that I just couldn't hurt you, no matter what," he confessed in a whisper, letting it linger in the air between them for some minutes before letting out a tiring sigh.

"But I can and I had, countless times," he admitted as he closed his eyes in pain.

"And this time I was just so blinded by the hurt I was feeling that I didn't even give a thought to what would happen to you when I was telling Aditya all of that," he whispered in regret.

"He and Mrs Ahuja were the targets, and not you. I should have thought about you before acting on the rage I felt, but I couldn't..." he said in a mournful tone as he shook his head.

"My not thinking about you, that had never happened before, Sumo, no matter how angry I had been, I had always cared how my actions were going to affect you - whatever may be have been the outcome I wanted, you always mattered," he told her as he reached out and gently tucked a strand of hair behind her before letting his hand fall as he pulled away.

"But I had become indifferent to you, and that Shravan is scary, Sumo, the one who doesn't care about the consequences. He can somehow numb some of the pain and hurt by replacing it with rage, but the destruction he leaves behind him is a price too high for me to continue to rely on him to handle the situations," he whispered, grief-stricken he closed his eyes, shaking his head before letting out a shuddering sigh.

"You, me, Papa and Mrs Ahuja, everything is just too much, and it has to end. I can't go on like this anymore. It has to end. And the only way it can happen is if I go far away. So, I am," Shravan murmured as he explained to her the conclusion he had reached. He smiled at her once he ended and suddenly stood up to leave.

Before he could move, Suman held his hand, stopping him and when he turned back to look at her, she was glaring at him with a consuming rage in her eyes even as the tears still slipped down her cheeks. Without letting go of her punishing grip on his hand, she held it more tightly, digging her nails into the back of his hand. She moved closer and came to stand in front of him as she kept blinking her tears away.

"You did the same thing last time around, Shravan Malhotra. I shouldn't be surprised. Once again, you are running away like a coward. Back then, you didn't give me the time to realize my mistake and now you aren't giving me the time to forgive you. Must you always run away from me?" She hissed at him as she accused him in an attempt to make him stay.

"I am not running away, Suman, not this time around. Last time I gave up because I was hurt, but I had kept on hoping for something to happen, that's why when I came back, I couldn't help but..." He said before stopping midway and closing his eyes with a sigh before shaking his head. When he opened his eyes once again, there was a resolve in there she knew she may never be able to break.

"But this time around, I know there is no hope. I am not giving up, Suman, nor I am not running away. I am just accepting what I should have accepted a decade ago," he said as he smiled down at her and shrugged nonchalantly.

"Don't do this, Shravan!" She warned him, subjecting him with the most furious glare of hers when he tried to pull his hand away from her punishing grip.

Shravan looked at her with fondness, overwhelmed with tenderness as, after a long time, she was acting like the girl he had known since their childhood. And when he looked down at the back of his hand, which now bore the impression of her nails upon it, he smiled amusedly.

"I will miss you, Suman Tiwari..." He whispered, looking back at her before letting out a shuddering breath and gazing at her as if he was memorizing her, capturing everything about her in his eyes.

"Shravan..." she whispered as she shook her head, her eyes wide as fear hit her.

With a last look at her, he took a few steps back and sharply turned to walk out of her room without looking back. And as soon as he was no longer in her sight, she snapped out of her shock and cried out his name before running behind him.

"Shravan, please, listen to me!" she yelled as she tried to stop him, running after him before someone grabbed her hand and pulled her back.

"Let me go, I have to stop Shravan, he is going to leave me behind once again," she pleaded with Manju as she tried to pull her arm away from the tight grip in an attempt to free her.

"Shravan, stop..." she yelled his name out loud as she looked at him walking away.

Without his own will, his legs stopped moving at her command, and for a second, he wanted to look back, but just when he was turning back, a wave of air brought the sound of peals of laughter from upstairs. He could never mistake that deep laugh with anyone else's because it was his father's. The sound of the rich, deep laugh he had heard countless times with a fond smile, but now as he heard it, he felt like it was mocking him. He clenched his eyes shut as a sinking feeling settled over him, overpowering her cries. When he opened his eyes, he let out a shuddering sigh before storming out of the Tiwari Killa.

"Shravan, stop, please!" Suman yelled before falling to the ground on her knees when she saw the door close behind him.

Manju looked at her in shock, never before she had seen the girl cry so hard as she was now. Sitting on her knees on the hard ground with her head bent as she kept muttering and pleading to the one who had already walked out. Snapping out of her shock, Manju bent down closer to the girl and tried to console her, but Suman still kept on crying, no matter what she said.

When the rest of the family came running as they had heard her calls for help, Manju stepped away, giving others her place and observing them as they kept trying to console the girl with worried expressions, concerned.

"What's happening here?" A commanding voice demanded somewhere behind them, snapping everyone out of their confusion.

"Suman..." Each one of them told him, all at once, as they helplessly indicated the girl sitting on the floor, having no idea what to do to make her stop.

"Suman!" Raghuwer Tiwari called her out as he caressed her hair with one of his frail hands, making her look up at him.

Getting a hold of her hands, he pulled her up and made her stand in front of him before wiping away her tears with his hands as he gently asked her what was making her crying so hard.

"Nanu, Shravan is going back to London," she stuttered in a whisper, and once again, tears slipped through her eyes as she sobbed quietly.

"What? What are you talking about, Suman?" Ramnaath demanded as he kept looking at her in confusion.

"This all is happening because of you, Mr Ramnaath Malhotra," Suman snapped at him, ignoring the shocked gasps of her family members. "I will never forgive you or myself for this and know that he will never come back if he left this time. If he leaves this time around, he won't come back," she warned him as she glared at him before giving up all of it to plead with him to do something.

"No-no, he can't go now, I will go and talk to him," Ramnaath said before taking his leave and almost running outside.

Raghuwar Tiwari looked between his granddaughter and the door from which Ramnaath had walked out in confusion, trying to make sense of the interaction that happened between them to find a reason Shravan was going back to London all of a sudden.

Narrowing his eyes, he concluded that he had missed out on something very important and he had to get his act right and find out what had been happening during the days when he was out of action because of his health.

'Yeh baazi kafi dilchasp aur bahut mushkil hoti jaa rahi hai!' He thought with a sigh...

(This is getting complicated and interesting at the same time!)

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A/N:- So, yeah! Here it is...I hope you all liked it... :)

The quote above was from one of my Social History textbooks. I had underlined these lines while I was preparing for my exam. My book still has 'Shravan' written all over the pages of the chapters on 'Angst', 'fear', and 'detachment caused by fear or pain'... </3

There was so much I had underlined, but I felt these lines explained Shravan's reasoning for the best...

Please leave a comment or two and let me know your thoughts and feelings about the chapter and ShraMan and anything you want, feel, or think... :)

Thank you for your support, for your encouraging words, for liking and reading my stories... :)

Thank you! :)

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