"...as long as nothing happens between them, the memory is cursed with what hasn't happened."

- Marguerite Duras, Blue Eyes, Black Hair

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Dedicated to KitkitMkb who is the sweetest and selflessly supportive with infinite patience and grace... Thank you for you... *hugs*

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"What's wrong with you?"

She had asked him as soon as he had walked out of 's room. Seething in rage, she had held his hand in a tight grip when he had attempted to walk past her.

A few minutes ago, she had been there, listening to him as he talked to Nanu, every word coming out of his mouth wounding her, stabbing her in most cruel ways, she had stood still, unmoving, pressed against the wall, shedding tears as he had confessed his silent sufferings, wounds that he bore on his soul but never let anyone know about. Her heart aching with the amount of guilt she had felt for being one of those who caused his sufferings, that was, until he walked out of the room after declaring that now to him it didn't matter to whom she would be married to.

"Look at you, Suman Tiwari, once again eavesdropping conversations that aren't meant for you to hear," he said in a calm but cold voice, eyeing his hand in her grip.

His words were meant to make her feel guilty and ashamed, but they only fueled the anger she felt towards their inability to make their relationship as once it had been, a decade ago, when he used to come running to her to confess his fears and inhibitions, about every biggest and smallest thing that happened to him, sometimes even whine about the surprise quizzes that had gone wrong.

Why didn't he come to her when she was the one to whom he was supposed to confess his darkest fears and open wounds?

Why did he stop letting her know how much he still was affected by his parents' broken marriage when she had been the only one who had witnessed him crying over his parents' fights a decade ago?

Why wasn't she the one whom he chose to open up with?

What has changed their relationship in the past months? Why now when even after their reunion - a decade of separation - the bond between them hadn't been affected? She remembered; when Kamini Chachi's concern for the heritage of Malhotra law firm had troubled him, he had come to her to share, to seek comfort, he had. So then what had stopped him from coming back to her whenever he had been having a tough time in the past months?

But more than anything, how could he give up on them when everything else was finally starting to fall in place? How dare he? She thought as rage consumed her.

The dark night that was supposed to separate them has actually ended up being what was needed to make everyone around them realize how perfect they were for each other and now when even his father was impatient for their reunion, it was him, Shravan, it was him who was hell-bent on ruining everything. What was wrong with him?

Now when every hurdle, every thorn has been cleared from the path that would lead to their reunion, why it was him who was refusing to walk up to her who was already waiting for him midway?

She glared at him before dragging him up to the rooftop, away from others who could disturb them.

"What is wrong with you, Shravan?" She asked him again with a whine, desperate for an answer, her eyes misting when she looked up at him who once again was looking away from her, lost in finding his horizon.

"There are so many things that are wrong with me, I will let you know when I have the entire list," he told her with a sigh, without looking away from the sky that was slowly turning into dark shades of blue.

"Please, Shravan, talk to me," she pleaded, reaching out to hold his hand in hers.

There was something in her desperate plea that finally triggered him or was it her words, the exact same words he had pleaded her with? He turned his head and finally looked at her. There she was, eyes pleading, desperate yet somewhat hopeful, she resembled the Shravan who had pleaded her to do the same during the wedding preparations of Pushkar and Preeti.

"Do you remember the time when I had pleaded you to do the same?" He asked her as he looked down at her.

"Will you commit the same mistake I had? Isn't it time for us to learn from our past mistakes?" She asked him in frustration.

"You are right, it's time we break the cycle, and that's why I know that it's useless to keep trying to solve this mess, the more we try, the more we get stuck. What we need is a clean break, we need to cut off the bond that has bounded us so we can untangle the knots from our sides and just live, apart, but live" he explained her with a nonchalant shrug.

"I don't think we can live apart, Shravan. We have tried and failed, by now at least that much should be clear," she whispered as she looked up at him.

Her confession shuttered his appearance of nonchalantly, creaking the wall of indifference he had built to protect himself. He looked at her with defiance, desperation, and bone-melting tiredness.

"Why? Why can't we?" He demanded, "let me remind you, just three months ago you were ready to marry some guy you knew for less than a week and move to another city altogether," he reminded her.

"Then marry me, Shravan," she whispered quietly but with determination as she looked up at him.

"What?" He gasped, bewildered, his eyes wide open as he blinked.

"Marry me. Let's get married," She said again, her voice clear, unashamed.

He gaped at her for a second, before his lips turned into a sardonic smirk and he started to laugh hysterically as if she had told him the joke of the century. His head bent down as he folded a hand on his stomach and kept laughing until his laugh started to sound like sobs, tears slipping his eyes as his shoulders trembled, he gasped for air before wiping his eyes and cleared his throat.

"You are so cruel, Suman Tiwari," he whispered with a bemused smile, "I knew you were a sadist, but I didn't know that you were capable of such a low blow."

"I don't understand your reaction, Shravan, what's your problem?" She asked in exasperation unable to carry the excruciating torture anymore.

"Why do you want to marry me now and why not then when you were ready to marry someone else three months ago and couldn't even look at me?" He asked her as he folded his arms around his chest in a defensive stance.

"Are you taunting me that my marriage to canceled like the rest of the world?" She asked with a glare, bewildered.

"No, I am not. I was there, I was the reason why it happened," he said as he shook his head, still perplexed whether should he asked for forgiveness, console her or be glad that she wasn't married off to someone like Aditya.

"Then what's the problem? Why can't I marry you?" She asked, tired as if the entire universe's burden was weighing her down, she looked at him as if he the only unreasonable one.

"Because I don't want to repeat the history, we are as misfit for each other as my parents were," he confessed.

"And anyway, yes, you were about to marry the man you fell in love with, and now you need to move on, I understand that. But I don't see any reason why you should marry me. I refuse to be a rebound," he muttered with a nonchalant shrug as if saying it out loud didn't hurt him.

"You aren't a rebound. And I have already told you a hundred times I didn't love him," she told him, exhaustion slowly worked its way through her jaded mind and she sighed, holding her head in her palms. She felt totally dense and clueless, what else should she do to make him understand it was him whom she loved.

"Then why? Why were you ready to marry him? In less than a week of meeting him, why were you getting married to him? If not love, what pushed you to do that? Answer me!" Shravan asked, his voice quavering.

"Because Nanu wanted me to get married so I said yes to him," she confessed in a whisper.

Even though he thought he was too tired to feel rage, he still felt it after knowing her sole reason behind an act that had started his downfall.

"What? You said yes only because your grandfather wanted you to get married? So you would have married anyone? Even a guy like Aditya? How could you not see how wrong that was? Why were you so ready to marry him? Why him? Why not anyone else?" He asked, folding his hands into fists as they trembled in rage, or was it something else, he didn't want to know.

"He was the only one who wanted to marry me, so what else should I have done?" She answered, simple and straight - as if she hasn't read the letter hidden in his book or didn't know the reason why he had waited for hours for her in that coffee shop.

"Really, Suman? And that long list of potential grooms me and Nanaji had haunted down? Couldn't you marry anyone of them?" He asked, bewildered as he glared down at her.

"Nanaji wanted me to marry soon, and you know he wasn't well, so how could I have said no to him?" She asked him, knowing no one more than him knew the importance of her grandfather in her life.

"Really? So you were ready to marry him, a guy you knew nothing about? Couldn't you think of anyone else, choose someone else?" He asked her, trembling with an unreleased tension, there was a voice in the back of his head that told him to shut up, but he still continued, until he asked her;

"Not even me?"

"Shravan..." she whispered his name in a tiring sigh, grief-stricken she closed her eyes.

"Why, Sumo? If you had to marry someone on such short notice, shouldn't I have been the first one to come on your mind? Shouldn't I have been your first option? If Nanaji was the only reason why you were getting married, you should have known that I would have married you in a heartbeat, after all, he important to me too, is he not?" He asked, breathing short as his heart continued to break and his mind demanded him to stop giving away so much.

"I had told you, hadn't I? That you aren't alone, I am with you? That I will always stay with you? Then why?" He asked her, before letting out a shuddering sigh.

"But, of course not...I could never be someone you thought about, someone you would choose, even back then, ten years ago, the same thing had happened, nothing has changed since then, back then Rohan was your chosen one, now Aditya..." He said, shaking his head before letting out an ironic laugh.

"No matter what happens, no matter what changes, no matter how many years pass by, no matter what I do, I would never be your choice, isn't it, Suman Tiwari?" He asked her, a rhetorical question because he knew the answer, he always had...

"That's not true, Shravan... Ramnaath uncle never would have wanted me as his daughter-in-law, never accepted me as your wife and you too were upset and angry at me..." she muttered, already knowing he would never understand how much she was blinded by her sense of responsibility towards her family, her concern for her Nanu or how disheartened she had been by his words and actions during those times.

"That was because you were letting an outsider come between us. How many times had I told you of Aditya's intentions? How many times had I told you where things could end up? But no, why would you listen to me? I am nothing but someone you can ignore and throw away whenever things get difficult, isn't it?" He asked her with a sardonic smile.

"That's not true, Shravan. I would have told you if it wasn't for your father and if you hadn't ended our friendship. Why can't you realize how much your words and actions had wounded me that day?" she told him, voice quavering as she recalled his words from that day.

"And do you know why I said all of that, Suman? Because you proved me wrong by accepting Aditya's help. I so arrogantly had thought that my Sumo would never accept anyone's help, that you will finally realize what Aditya's true nature was, what his intentions were. I had prided myself to know at least that much about you, I was so sure that if you had refused me, your Shravan, then that means there no way someone like Aditya, a stranger, could convince you to take his help. But I was wrong, wasn't I?" He ranted on, his voice cracking, eyes mist with unshaded tears, but finally his thoughts and feelings out in open.

"He didn't offer me monetary help as you had, Shravan, he brought in an investor, a way I could help myself without depending on anyone," She yelled with a glare.

"Really, Suman? Are you that naive? Couldn't you see through him? Who else was this investor other than he himself?" He demanded.

"And if this was about your independence and you giving your work, your career priority then how come you were ready to move to another city and hand over your business to someone else? If you didn't love him then why was he the reason why you were leaving everything behind, your home, work and your self-respect? Do you think I didn't hear him taunting you? Or did you think that after marriage you could make him putty in your hand because I refused to remain one?" He asked her, question after questions, impatient for the answers he couldn't find by himself.

"Do you actually realize how much your words are hurting me now? Do you realize how much your words had hurt me that day, Shravan? Do you realize how much they broke my spirit and everything within me? How I lost hope that day? How utterly alone I have felt from that day on? You and Nanu, I don't have anyone apart from you both, and you left me and then when I got to know that Nanu was ill, I thought I may have had lost you, but I couldn't lose Nanu too. That's why I did whatever I thought I could make him happy. So, yes, Shravan Malhotra, I didn't think about my career or my independence or even my self-respect, nothing mattered. No one mattered, not even you," she breathed out, glaring at him and her tears slipped her eyes.

"I didn't care about the right and wrong, as long as Nanu was happy and alive, nothing mattered, not me, not you, no one," she whispered, unapologetically.

"You say we are stuck in an endless cycle of hurting each other and making up, you are right. We do that, but what you had said that day made me fear that the cycle was already broken and we would never get to make up. For the first time, I actually felt I have lost you. Something I hadn't even felt when we were separated for ten years," She admitted quietly.

"There was no way I could have chosen you, Shravan, because I knew I couldn't have you. That day when you had asked me to come to that coffee shop because you were ready for confession and I had refused, I knew I had to give you up," she revealed with a shuttering sigh, eyes on the floor, reminded of her defeat.

"What?" He asked, breathless.

"I knew why you were calling me," she admitted.

"What?" He asked again, his voice breaking in between.

"I knew," she confessed.

"Knew what?" He asked again, not believing what she was admitting.

"I knew, Shravan. I know," she repeated as she looked up at him, witnessing the trembling of his hands as he gasped.

Closing his eyes, he took in a shuttering breath.

"You knew?" He asked again, just to confirm.

"I did," she sighed before continuing, "I have known ever since I had read the letter you keep hidden in that book from high school," she confessed.

"You - you have already read it?" He asked, his mind refusing what she was admitting.

"Yes, I have," she said, looking down at the floor, unable to meet his eyes.

"You knew? All this time, you knew? You knew what I felt about you? You knew what I wanted for us? You knew, didn't you? All this time you refused to let me in, all this time you pushed me away, you knew?" He asked as shook his head, unable to grasp the meaning of her confession.

Did she hate him that much?

Did his love for her disgust her that much?

Did she find him that repulsive?

Has nothing changed? Was he a fool to hope again? Was she even now ashamed of him? Did she still not find him worthy?

And once again, there he was, nothing had changed from that day, back in school, she was still ashamed of him, he still was someone she refuses to acknowledge, he still was someone unworthy for her. Still no one for her. No matter what he had done, no matter how much he had tried to avoid, there he was, once again, feeling nothing but humiliation, his privacy invaded, his confidence and self-esteem in pieces, his self-worth nothing but dust.

He felt humiliated, pathetic, and it hurt, but then he felt anger take over him and his expression hardened, his glared coldly at her.

"Suman Tiwari, since when do you know that I had been in love with you?" He demanded.

"I had read that letter the night before you were about to leave, and I didn't know if you still felt the same. But then the day when you met your mother here, I had realized what you had come to tell me. I knew. I knew why you had called me that day to meet you at the coffee shop too, I knew what you wanted to talk about," she confessed.

"What?" He asked, her confession making him feel lightheaded.

"Do you realize what that means?" He asked her with a whisper.

"Do you realize how cruel you are, Suman? Do you realize what you have done? Do you?" He asked quietly.

"Do I mean nothing to you, Sumo?" He asked, his voice breaking in between.

"Why am I even asking, I already know the answer. Because you knew yet still let what happened, just happen. You - Did you...," he stopped with a tiring sigh.

"Even after knowing that I...," unable to continue, he stopped.

"You amaze me," he whispered with a bitter laugh.

"Shravan," she whispered with a sigh but before she could continue, he interrupted her.

"I never knew what you felt about me, I never did, but now I do," he whispered, quietly, "but do actually know what I felt?"

"At first, finally being your friend once again, after a decade being able to talk to you, see you smile, laugh along with you, it was enough. I had missed you so much in those past ten years that having you as my friend once again was a blessing that I didn't want to risk,"

"But that hadn't been enough for long. I couldn't stop my heart from falling for you once again, but that didn't mean I didn't fear you leaving me. That night when you attempted to jump off the building just to make me trust you, I had thought that it meant you will never leave me,"

"That's why I wanted to finally hand that letter, to tell you that I trust you with the most vulnerable side of me, with the most vulnerable aspect of my life. That even though I don't trust anything else, anyone else, not even myself, but I trusted you,"

"And when in that coffee shop you had forgiven me for the biggest mistake of my life and had told me that you value our relationship the most, I had thought that maybe you do feel the same. Or that one day you could. That's the only time I had been sure of the possibility of you feeling the same. And it had broken every self-defense and had eliminated any inhibitions I had. I had held on that possibility so firmly, that I for the first time I rebelled against my father's wishes. I had tried to ignore every time you had pushed me away because I didn't want to let go of the only chance I could have with you,"

"And each time you pushed me away, I started to question, did I misunderstood you? Did I misread everything? Did I mistake your friendship, your empathy with love?"

"But now I know, yet I can't believe it. I can't be that wrong about you, Sumo, can I?" He asked in desperation.

"But you hurt me deliberately, didn't you? You pushed me away..."

"I can no longer trust myself, so, I ask you, Suman Tiwari, did you ever felt something for me? Ever?" He asked her, quietly.

"I am in love with you, Shravan. I had realized that after losing you ten years ago. Never once I have fallen out of love. I had loved you then and I love you now," she confessed, standing firmly as she looked in his eyes, letting him see the love she had harbored for him for years.

'Lies...' He thought to himself bitterly.

"Are you still in love with me, Suman Tiwari?" He asked, coldly, detached.

"I am," she confessed.

"Really? You knew I was in love with you, and you say you are in love with me but you still let what happened to happen?" He asked in a matter of fact voice, with a frown, eyes narrowed as he couldn't understand her.

And he couldn't... And it seems he never had...He never could...

"Why did you let it happen? Why didn't you do anything?" She asked, defensively.

"Who was I to do anything? Didn't you tell me the very first day that Aditya came between us that I am no one to you? No one to ask you anything, no one to tell you anything, remember what you had told me? That I have no right over you, no right to ask anything, and who am I to you?" He reminded her.

"I never have been sure of you feeling for me, if ever there were any, I have never been sure. Apart from just one time, that day in the coffee shop I had felt that you could have some kind of feeling for me. Before that, I didn't think that far because you having feelings for me was a dream I knew never could become reality, so that day the sincerity in your eyes was everything needed for me to act on my feelings. I wanted to tell you that it was you - since forever - it was only you. No one except you, "

"But it would have meant nothing to you," he whispered quietly.

"That's not true, Shravan... Do you know how much I have waited for you? For you to say that?" She asked with a heavy heart with misty eyes.

"But you did nothing even though you knew that we supposedly felt the same? That we both were in love? Why?" He asked her.

"What could I have done when your father was the one between us? He is too important to you. You would have never chosen me over him. You would have never...," she muttered, blinking away her tears.

"You say my father was the reason, then why did you think I hadn't talked with him already? Did you know I had only called you after making sure he would not object? Yes, my father is important for me, so why did you think I would do anything without making sure he didn't have any issue?" He asked her.

"That day, he had told me he didn't have any issue, and that's why I wanted to confess my love to you, to tell you that I wanted to marry you. That you were the only one I ever thought of marrying,"

He confessed before laughing bitterly.

"It's funny that I wanted you bounded to me in a relationship such as marriage when anyone else thought of me as a commitment-phobic. I wanted to bound you to me, stuck with me for life," he sighed, closing his eyes to clear his vision.

"I trusted you enough to stay with me, forever, something I couldn't even think was possible for me. But if it was you, I thought it was possible,"

"But why do I feel that even marriage with all the vows and promises wouldn't be enough to make you stay with me?" He asked with a half-smile, deprived of all hopes he had tried so hard to hold on.

"I will stay, Shravan, I promise, I will stay this time, for as long as you would want me to," she promised, her voice creaking, tears of despair choking her throat.

"I don't believe you, Suman Tiwari. I don't trust you with me, not after knowing what you did, not any longer," he said with firmness, merciless.

"I will, Shravan, please, believe me," she pleaded, crying inconsolably.

"No, you won't. If you knew and still gave upon us, you won't stay. You will leave me, you already have. And you shouldn't trust me either, I destroy what I can't have. I already have. So it would be better to end whatever that this is here, now," he whispered, firmly.

"Give us one more chance. Just one last time, please," she begged.

"That won't change anything," he said before turning around, stepping away from her.

"Shravan," she called him as he moved to leave her behind.

She yelled his name once again but her calls went unanswered as he kept moving forward, without looking back.

He was determined to move forward, to move on, to leave behind everything that had hurt him, and continued to do so. For the first time, his self-preserving mechanism was working without destroying him from within and no, her confessions and her stories weren't enough to stop him from finally achieving some sanity and peace in his life, he assured himself as he tried to ignore her desperate calls.

But was there any sanity, any peace without her? His heart questioned him...

He didn't know...

Not yet...

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A/N:- Here it was, the confession everyone was asking for, not that kind everyone was waiting for, I realize that... But that shall come too, in future... ;D

It was a very overwhelmingly emotional chapter, so leave a comment or two to let me know your thoughts and feelings and how much you cried, or if you did, because it's embarrassing to be the only one who cries... ;D

I hope you all liked the chapter, and are liking the story so far... Thank you for your support and encouragement, and for the lovely comments and the votes... :)

Those of you who haven't already checked out the anniversary gift writers of our fandom has given us, please enjoy!

Link - > https://my.w.tt/Ijh8p95vR4

Thank you! :)

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