"You may think it all very fine, Mr. Huntingdon, to amuse yourself with rousing my jealousy; but take care you don't rouse my hate instead. And when you have once extinguished my love, you will find it no easy matter to kindle it again."

― Anne Brontë, The Tenant of Wildfell Hall

***

Fourth month

***

Whenever someone asked how her married life was, Suman wished she could be honest for once and respond that it was like a glacier. A large accumulation of solid ice that was so cold that it was killing her soul slowly. There were times when her husband granted her a few benevolent moments, and only then the ice would melt a little, moving the glacier downslope under the influence of the weight and gravity of his strange yet tragic love...

But was the warmth of those few benevolent moments enough to live in the soul-killing cold?

It was something she had been asking herself more and more ever since the night of their wedding. In the start, there was a lot of impatience yet there was also boundless hope. She had been confident that once again Shravan would fall into the gravity of the repeated cycle that their relationship always had been. There was no escape for them, no matter how much they denied it, no matter how much they tried, they always gravitated towards each other. But as time passed by, hope reduced and impatience increased, leading her to make many mistakes and encounter pushbacks. Telling him to pretend had been one of her biggest mistakes.

When at first she had asked him, it had been people around her and their questions that had pushed her to do so. And she had liked it. The illusion of having a good married life and a loving husband. The artificial happily ever after that they created was sweet and satisfied some of her fantasies. His flinching and moving away from her touch yet faking a smile had been disturbing, but what she hadn't known was that she would find his easing into feigning to be happy with her even more disturbing...

She hadn't realized when Shravan had started to stop flinching and had gotten used to her touch, but she remembered the day she had noticed it. It was one of those elite parties that they were invited into because Shravan had won the case for some rich businessman. That night, Shravan had introduced her as his wife and when she had leaned into his side, he had accommodated her by moving his arm around her back. Her heart had skipped a beat, dizzy with happiness, she had looked up at him with a bashful smile, just to find his expressionless face and cold eyes looking down at her for a few beats and then looking away. That moment had felt as if someone had dumped ice-cold water on her. It had been only then that she had realized how machinic and calculated everything was for him. He had stopped flinching at her touch not because he was letting her in or becoming comfortable with her, but because he had eased into faking. Her touch no longer meant anything to him. Somewhere along the way, he had gotten numbed to her as he had to everything else...

And once Suman had noticed it, she couldn't go back to the fantasy she had been forcing them to enact in hopes that one day it would become their reality. Day by day, the more he was getting comfortable with the act of faking, the more she realized how wrong her demand of him pretending to be happy was. The tension within her built, suffocating her, and breaking her into pieces, till one day she had enough and told him to stop. She hadn't predicted them to fight, yet she had been hoping for it. She had been hoping for him to object, yell at her, and just do anything. She had gotten a reaction, just as she had wanted, but not the confusion and the silence that came after it...

Once she lost it, Suman missed his fake affection, the attention she had forced him to give her, the warmth of his meaningless touch, the loving words he uttered for the sake of keeping appearance, she missed the fantasy that made the sham that was their marriage hopeful. But she couldn't go back, she could no longer do the things she had done for him, there was no need to keep forcing him to accept her love. If he didn't need the smiles and the warmth of her love, she should stop forcing herself on him, right? So, therefore, she stopped doing everything she had been doing. If he gave her only silence, she could respond with her silence, couldn't she? So that's what she decided. Even if it hurt her, even if she could feel his confusion, even if he often looked her way with a frown, even if sometimes he continued to pretend as if he was a loving husband...

She mourned even when there was nothing left to mourn for...

There hadn't been anything to begin with...

She had been fighting a battle whose defeat he had already accepted...

***

Fifth month

***

"You both truly a match made in heaven, such golden hearts," Mrs Leela Sharma complimented.

"They are, aren't they?" Salma auntie agreed with a fond smile before taking hold of Suman's hand and giving it a gentle squeeze. "I can't thank you enough for today."

"It's my pleasure," Suman muttered, embarrassed at the attention.

"So humble. I am glad Shravan found such a supporting wife," Mrs Leela Shrama said with a sigh, charmed by the couple before turning to the woman next to her.

"You may not know, Salma, but Shravan was about to get engaged to some other girl who left as soon as he said that he would like to dedicate his skills to helping out those in need. I kid you not, I have never seen a prospect of marriage falling as fast as it did," she said with a snort.

"But look at his good luck, he found such a beautiful and generous girl. She not only committed to doing the catering at such short notice but is also doing it for free," she said with a wide smile, absolutely in awe of the young couple.

"Suman Ma'am, where do I have to set the dishes?" One of the volunteers asked, giving her an excuse to escape the undeserved praises.

As she helped others arrange the charity event, Suman couldn't help but feel strangely bitter. For some reason, every person connected to Salma auntie's organization thought she should be thanked for Shravan's dedication to his work. They thought it was necessary to let her know about this or that case Shravan assisted them as if she had any idea what they were talking about. Oh, he was late working this and that night and was absent on weekends because this or that case needed his attention? Well, how would she know? He came late ever since they got married and weekends? It didn't matter if he was absent or not, he was anyway immersed in his files on weekends even when he was at home. It wasn't as if his generosity and dedication toward pro bono cases were taking him away from her. He wasn't hers nonetheless...

His time wasn't hers. His attention wasn't hers. Nothing was hers...

"I know you aren't doing it for me but still thank you," Shravan said as he came to stand next to her.

"Who said I wasn't?" She asked, tilting her head to the side to look at him.

"Well, you said that you will no longer pretend that you are happy with me," he reminded her.

"You sure can twist my words," she muttered with a sigh.

"Then what did you mean?" He asked, looking down at her and absentmindedly reaching out to gently tuck her hair behind her ear.

"Shravan," she whispered, her heart skipping a beat as she looked up at him, eyes filled with confusion.

"Right. You said I shouldn't..." he sighed with a bitter smile, pulling his hand away. "Wouldn't happen again." He assured her.

"That's not what I meant," she muttered but his attention was elsewhere as someone called him.

"Shravan sir," a small group of youngsters came to stand before them with excited smiles.

"What are our eyes seeing here? Are we in the presence of the famous Mrs Malhotra?" One of the girls teased as the rest hooted with laughter.

"Don't be annoying brats," Shravan scolded lightly, shaking his head at their mischievous antics.

"They are university students and volunteer at the organization from time to time, especially at fundraising events such as today," he told Suman after formally introducing them by their names.

"That's great," Suman forced herself to smile at them.

"Suman Ma'am, I wish my future wife is as good as you at cooking. Shravan sir keeps bragging about how amazing you are whenever he treats us by ordering food from PCT," one of the guys said with a wistful sigh.

"Forget a spouse who can cook, I want a love like theirs. Suman Ma'am, do you know that Shravan sir can tell if the food is cooked by you or not?" One of the girls said with wonder in her eyes.

"That's not rock science, Janvi," Shravan interrupted. "Suman always cooks the lunch box she sends me and that's why whenever I order food for you guys I can tell which dish is cooked by her."

"He isn't conventionally romantic, is he?" Janvi asked Suman with a sympathetic smile.

"That's it, kids, back to work, shoo," Shravan ordered.

"Only if you promise that you are going to give us repetition classes before exams," one of them demanded and others nodded in agreement.

"Kids, they are a newly married couple, don't hog any more of their time," Salma auntie scolded as she came to stand before them.

"Actually, I think it's a good idea, along with Pushkar and others, we can put a few lectures together for law students," Shravan offered.

"Shravan sir, you are the best," the group shouted before getting back to their assigned work.

As Suman observed their interactions with her husband, her heart sank in despair. Shravan behaved so normally around others, his smiles were easy, his eyes so fond as he talked to them and he laughed at their jokes. He was confident and in command on the stage giving his presentation to convince rich people to donate more for the cause they were fundraising for. Everything he did that day seemed so effortless. He didn't seem as if he was falling apart or wasn't struggling for words. He wasn't cold or absent. He bloomed under the attention and mingled in ways he didn't in the parties they went to together. He acted like a perfect host and individually approached people to answer their questions regarding the cause.

It was as if he was someone else...

"You really like working on these cases, don't you?" She asked when he came to finally sit next to her as Salma auntie took the stage to give the final few words before the dinner break.

"After a certain point there is no growth in fighting rich people's cases, they are all the same and mostly repetitive," he responded with a casual shrug.

"And Salma auntie?" She asked as she saw the two smiling fondly at each other as the elder woman passed by.

"She is an amazing woman. There is so much to learn from her. I wish Parisa was alive to see the love her mother has for her and how it pushes her to work to transform society for the better," he said with strange conflicted emotions in his voice.

"She is a wonderful mother," Suman muttered, realizing why he seemed so taken by her and why he respected and admired her so greatly.

"Nirmala auntie loves you too," she assured, regretting when she saw how his smile vanished. "You were and are loved by your mother, Shravan, I don't think you realize that," she continued, hoping that one day he would be able to see the love and longing she had witnessed in his mother's eyes for him.

"I don't want to talk about my parents with you, Suman. Actually, I don't want to talk about them at all," he said with an expressionless face before walking away.

Why? She wanted to ask. Shouldn't he want to talk to her about anything and everything? She wasn't only his wife but also his best friend, so why couldn't he share his worries and thoughts with her the way he used to? What was stopping him from coming to her the way he always had? Why wasn't their relationship the same as it used to be? Why did it seem everything was slipping from her hands and him along with it?

Why was she still empty-handed and so alone even after being married to the only man she ever loved?

***

Even if Suman was seen and thought of as an ambitious independent woman by many, she knew the truth: her ambition and independence were limited to her work. And it happened to be the only aspect of her life where her efforts were fruitful. She couldn't help but bitterly admit. She had put all of her in PCT, blood, sweat, and soul. When nothing was in her control, PCT was. When nothing was going right for her, PCT was. When nothing was hers, PCT was. So it shouldn't have been much of a surprise that when her hope to have a stable and loving married life with Shravan fell apart, it was PCT she started to invest her time and attention in. And as always, work seemed the only thing she could count on, the only thing where her hard work wouldn't go wasted. As soon as she started to concentrate on PCT again, it flourished, attracting the attention of many. One of them being Neil Shetty...

If it were a few months ago, Suman would have refused anyone to invest or take an interest in PCT as she had always wanted to be self-sufficient and self-made without the involvement of any of her family or their acquaintance. But business needed money to grow and she wasn't naive to think that PCT itself could generate profits that could be enough to reinvest. PCT needed an investor to reach its full potential. But what was also needed and what she wanted for PCT was to find a partner, someone who would be equally interested and invested in the success and growth of PCT. Therefore when Neil approached her with the proposal to be an investor, she couldn't deny how perfect he was for PCT. He had the capital to invest, the talent and credence of an experienced chef, and the intelligence and leadership qualities to become an equal business partner. As days passed by, she realized that Neil Shetty came into her life at the perfect timing...

With PCT advancing and reaching a much wider market, work became more exciting and fulfilling, taking all of her attention away from the mess that was her marriage and her relationship with Shravan. Neil's expertise in Western cuisine widened PCT's reach, helping it become a brand the elite could opt for. Soon PCT became a catering company that provided their services for the big companies. The capital invested by Neil made what previously had been impossible, possible for them. Even though the days were tiring, the reward of seeing PCT conquering new territories was far more than anything she could ever ask for.

As busy as she had been, Suman had missed the signs, but soon enough she noticed the way Shravan's eyes would narrow at Neil. There was suspicion, and something else? He always was on his guard, attentive and rigid, and unconsciously would stand nearer to her than he normally did. Unknown to him, his hand would always possessively curve around her as if he wanted to hide her away from the other man's vision even if Neil never reached out. It took her observing his reactions many times to pinpoint that whenever she was talking to Neil her husband was jealous...

Shravan Malhotra was jealous...

It made her selfishly giddy, knowing that she still mattered to him. He still wanted her as only his, and he felt jealous and possessive because he thought another man was interested in his wife. And even though she knew it was wrong, she used Neil to make him jealous the same way she had mentioned her senior at that dinner date night ages ago. Every time she had seen Shravan's pained frown, she had promised herself that soon enough she would tell him that Neil was in a happy relationship with his girlfriend of five years who soon would be joining them as their new chef. She just needed Shravan to act on his feelings and give her a reaction first. She just needed him to snap out of his fragile indifference and admit that he wanted her. She just wanted him to realize that he still needed her, that he still hurt for her, still longed for her, still loved her...

She wanted Shravan to break the barriers he had put between them and around his heart and admit that he wanted to be with her. Not because he wanted to protect her, not because he was forced, not because he thought he had to, not because she wanted him to, but because he wanted to, and because he loved her...

Was she asking for too much?

With renewed hope, feeling ambitious, she bet all on his jealousy. Whenever she noticed him observing her interactions with Neil, she laughed extra loud and smiled extra brightly, challenging him to act on what he was feeling, daring him to claim her as his. Blinded by her selfishness, she pushed harder every time Shravan pulled away, every time he backed away from her, she stepped closer to the other man. At the back of her mind, there was a voice that warned her every time, but she was tired beyond her limits in her wait for him. It was only fair to do everything that would make him snap out of whatever hell he was trapped in, wasn't it? After all, it had worked last time. It worked every time. It worked for everyone else, didn't it? So why not for her? Why not now?

She just had to keep trying or so she told herself, ignoring all the warnings and red flags...

***

Six Months

***

Shravan continued keeping the appearance even if she had told him to stop. Maybe he had gotten used to it or maybe it was his jealousy that was making him act in such a way. The means mattered less when the goals were achieved, Suman told herself as she observed him at the celebration party they were throwing for the staff after PCT acquired a new big client.

Everyone was over the moon as the deal meant PCT would be included in the list of the biggest food catering companies. It was a proud moment for everyone and they tried to strengthen their bond as a team to work more efficiently in the future. With her being the host, along with Neil, Suman tried to entertain others, looking at her husband occasionally to make sure he wasn't too bored.

As soon as the guests started to leave, Neil told her about the ring he had bought for his girlfriend who was due to fly late in the night to India.

"You told me it was you who proposed to Shravan. And as you succeeded in marrying the love of your life, can you tell me about how you proposed to him? I don't want to mess this up," Neil pleaded, bouncing on his toes due to nervousness.

"He turned down my proposal at first, so I am not the right person to ask, believe me," Suman told him with a laugh, hiding away the bitterness of the truth.

"But you still ended up marrying each other, didn't you? At least hear me rehearse my proposal speech?" He insisted.

With her luck, she should have seen it coming, yet she didn't. Rolling her eyes with a fond smile, she had agreed to Neil's request. Cringing his over-the-top filmy dialogues and correcting him whenever he fumbled, at some point, she had looked up to find Shravan standing by the entrance of her office.

It was a brief look, an accidental one, and therefore she hadn't processed what had happened. The expression on his face hadn't registered before she had turned her gaze once again back to Neil. It took a few seconds for her brain to decode what she had seen: Shravan had looked horrified, his eyes wide open. And when their eyes had met, the horror had transformed into heartbreak and pain for some reason. Alarmed, she once again glanced up yet he was no longer there. And suddenly she realized how it must have looked for him. Neil, the man she knew Shravan was jealous of and she had tried her best to make him even more jealous, the very same man was on his knees in front of her, rehearsing a proposing speech.

"Oh, shit..." she muttered to herself.

She dug her own grave, didn't she?

***

A/N:- Ta-taaannn...Here was the chapter in Suman's POV...Some of you guessed the reason for her smiling at Neil and were right about it, but I couldn't confirm because I didn't want to give away any spoilers. But I am sure amazed by the strong faith you have in me to give you a happily ever after... ;D

So, yes, Suman wanted to make him jealous and was successful in it, but does the mean really not matter if the goal is achieved? She will find that out in the next chapter... ;)

In this chapter, it was also clear how working on the cases for Salma's organization and the people Shravan encountered there widened his view of the world and healed him in different ways. What are your thoughts on the matter?

Sometimes what snaps us out of numbness is the assurance others need us and that we can make a difference, that we matter in this world in some ways. And that can heal something within us. Salma's success in healing inspired Shravan and so did her being an amazing mother. Something Shravan didn't see in his own mother. Who noticed how his views on women changed after getting to know Salma and women from her organization? Any thoughts?

Their POV on the same months of their marriage is so different yet can you choose who is right and who is wrong in their feelings and actions? Can you make sense of the conflicted feelings they evoke in each other?

The next chapter is going to be fun. Be ready with your tissues... *Muhaha*

No, but honestly, not to be a sadist, but I would be very happy if I would be able to write something that would make you feel something. I want to. Please wish me luck so I will be able to write and finish a good chapter soon...

Thank you for reading, liking, commenting, and waiting...I am so grateful to you guys for sticking by and supporting me with your kind words. I am blessed to have your beautiful companionship on this journey... *hugs*

Thank you! <3

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