◤ roanpaw ◥

♔ neutrandrogyne. he/him or they/them. ♔

♔ tall, slender, sleek-furred red silver classic tabby tom with warm brown eyes. ♔

♔ sweet. friendly. can be flirtatious. likes lightly teasing others. kind. sympathetic. aloof. can be romantic. difficult to anger. honorable. ♔

◣ ❝ i don't understand how you stand to the side... ❞ ◢

❦ story ❦

"palmfrond has really been getting under my fur lately." roanpaw sat by and groomed himself as he listened to hemlockpaw's complaints about his mentor. "he thinks he's always right, and he won't let me say anything unless it's to answer a question. he's just so strict, i can't bear it anymore." hemlockpaw stared at roanpaw, a sort of hunger lighting his dim yellow eyes. "i wish i had yours instead."

roanpaw nodded. like he and hemlockpaw, palmfrond and nutmegriver were brothers; while roanpaw's mentor was a humorous and considerate warrior, palmfrond's personality was closer to a dictator's. roanpaw sometimes wondered how those two were the same age.

"well, i'm certainly not willing to give up nutmegriver," roanpaw meowed coolly. "maybe you can ask hornetstar to change your mentor."

but at the new suggestion, hemlockpaw backed away. "no, i can't do that..."

"why not? if you're so miserable, he's obviously not right for you-"

"you expect me to just stroll into hornetstar's den and contradict her choice?" the lilac tabby tom stared at roanpaw incredulously. "she'd have my tail!"

"no, she wouldn't," roanpaw meowed dismissively. "honestly, hemlockpaw, she's a reasonable leader, and she cares about her cats. if she didn't she'd never have been made leader in the first place."

hemlockpaw half-heartedly hissed at his brother. "forget it, roanpaw. i shouldn't."

"so you'll stop complaining about palmfrond?"

"i didn't say that."

"one of these days, hemlockpaw, i'll just do it for you."

"no, don't!" hemlockpaw's voice rose to a panicked yowl.

"why not?" roanpaw was edging on frustration. "look, hemlockpaw, do you want to keep him as a mentor? do you really think hornetstar will force you to stay if she knew? you're just too scared to talk to her."

hemlockpaw's tail lashed, but he kept silent. dread arose to roanpaw and chilled him to the bone. "come on, hemlockpaw, you've gotta take a stand, or else nothing will change. unless you intend to wait five or more moons for your apprenticeship to end," roanpaw added wryly.

just then, a mottled brown tom with a white underside slid out of the warriors' den, his striking amber eyes flitting around, searching for their target. his eyes fell onto hemlockpaw. "hemlockpaw, come on," he called out. his voice already sounded impatient, as if the apprentices were the ones who'd kept him waiting. "dolphinriver wants us for the sunhigh patrol. roanpaw, nutmegriver will be with you shortly, so wait there."

"okay, palmfrond." reluctantly, hemlockpaw rose to his paws. "sorry, roanpaw." he hesitated, than trudged off to meet his mentor.

roanpaw watched him go with mild irritation. why bother complaining when you won't even try for a change? then again, he had all the reason to fear palmfrond; roanpaw had rarely interacted with the mottled brown tom, but he seemed intimidating. perhaps hemlockpaw feared what palmfrond's reaction would be if he switched mentors. that, roanpaw could understand.

but that still didn't mean roanpaw was happy with his brother. either he fought for the right to get what he wanted- no, needed- or he suffered the consequences. and clearly, suffering in silence was not an option... though, admittedly, roanpaw would be very unhappy with anyone who even tried to suffer in silence.

roanpaw let out a small sigh of exasperation. if hemlockpaw so believed that palmfrond wasn't the right mentor for him, he would have to overcome his worries. but he refused. am i the only cat who thinks it's okay to fight for what you believe?

***

roanpaw stared at hemlockpaw as his flanks rose and fell. his sleeping form, curled up and relaxed, was little more than a pale blur among the darkened apprentice's den. a faint smile crossed roanpaw's lips; hemlockpaw looked so much more peaceful asleep... not like when he was so worked up about palmfrond... then roanpaw's criticizing him of being too scared to stand up for himself...

suddenly, the bramble hollow seemed so much smaller. suppressive. shadows melted into roanpaw's golden fur, and roanpaw had to physically shake himself as the feeling sank into him. the mere thought that anyone could be subjected to a life they didn't want just because they were too scared of authority?

honestly, it horrified roanpaw. to live in suppression, unhappy and frightened, yet unable to speak out.

taking a deep, shuddering breath, roanpaw looked once again at his brother. at present, only two of the five apprentices were sleeping; roanpaw assumed elderpaw and cardinalpaw were outside, chatting or playing. but the apprentices had been unusually busy lately, so he couldn't blame them for taking a rest, even if it was only evening.

roanpaw quietly slipped out of the den. his paws were silent on the calloused, sandy ground. he'd had a lot of practice stepping quietly by teaching himself how to walk- or even run- without his pawsteps making a sound.

the pale golden tom entered the mild light of evening. the soft hazel sunlight touched his fur, sinking in and erasing where the shadows had been only heartbeats ago, coming with it a giddy relief. roanpaw glanced around the clearing, suddenly calm and happy, hemlockpaw's worry vanquished from his mind. it's so peaceful here... at this time, the only sounds were of singing birds, leaves being tousled by passing zephyrs, and cats sharing tongues and purring with content.

he turned his face skywards, where starclan's ranks would soon nest themselves. shutting away his warm brown gaze for a moment, he listened. listened to the birdsong, listened to the birch and aspen and oak greet each other by nuzzling their twigs and branches. listened to the chatter of the warriors below the sky, each voice and conversation mingling with the others in a single murmurous voice.

...

a voice pierced the air, shattering the serenity that roanpaw had felt. "seablossom used to be a she-cat!"

roanpaw's eyes snapped open. nervously, roanpaw glanced at the white tom in question. seablossom's hearing had deteriorated greatly, putting him in the elder's den- perhaps the fact that he had white fur and blue eyes was a factor to blame- so roanpaw hoped that the remark hadn't crossed his ears. thankfully, seablossom paid no heed to the comment and continued to share tongues with coralwish; coralwish himself, roanpaw knew, had retired in order to join seablossom. hornetstar let him do that, roanpaw thought irritably, so that makes hemlockpaw's fear even more irrational.

roanpaw watched the arguing cats- elderpaw, who had been the first to raise his voice, debating with his brother cardinalpaw. elderpaw's strangely random statement had piqued roanpaw's interest, and although he knew it was kind of rude to listen it... well, it was hard to ignore them now.

the two brothers argued back and forth, and as the argument progressed, roanpaw quickly began to grow a new respect for cardinalpaw. he's nothing like hemlockpaw... if he's really passionate about something, he'll defend it against even someone as close to him as his own brother. roanpaw also felt a simultaneous irritation towards cardinalpaw's peevish brother; elderpaw didn't need to be so disrespectful to cardinalpaw and his sexuality. if i was in that argument, roanpaw thought, i'd definitely stand with cardinalpaw.

but their voices are getting pretty loud... roanpaw noticed how the warriors in the clearing, and the elders- even seablossom- were staring at the pair, and he wanted to stop them before they attracted attention from either dolphinriver or hornetstar.

roanpaw padded over to the two toms just as cardinalpaw was yelling, "so what if i'm gay for-"

"uh, guys?" roanpaw spoke up, interrupting cardinalpaw's sentence. cardinalpaw looked startled, while elderpaw just looked up at him, fury blazing in his yellow eyes.

"you might wanna tone it down a bit. everyone's staring."

cardinalpaw's amber eyes darted around the clearing, fear dawning on him as he realized the disruption his argument had caused. elderpaw muttered an apology under his breath- an insincere one, roanpaw was sure.

"o-okay," cardinalpaw mumbled. his gaze still kept shooting from one cat to another.

roanpaw nodded and turned to leave, but we still felt like he had to say something about elderpaw's behavior.

"oh, one more thing. elderpaw?" roanpaw turned around.

"yeah?" elderpaw glanced at the golden tabby, suspicion making his pelt flare into uneven bristles.

"i can't change your opinions, but please don't get in the way of cardinalpaw's relationships. that won't solve anything." roanpaw tried to hide the amount of satisfaction he'd gained for himself by saying that.

"wha- how much of our conversation did you hear?" cardinalpaw's paws shifted, and he wouldn't meet roanpaw's gaze.

roanpaw told them how much he'd heard. " sorry for eavesdropping, though you two were getting so loud, it was hard not to," he added.

cardinalpaw dropped his gaze to roanpaw's feet. "no, it's nothing. really."

"well, alright, then." roanpaw left, cardinalpaw's blaze of passion still burning in his mind. had that usually submissive tom really displayed such a strong show of willpower? it was like he'd transformed into a different cat altogether. i wish i had a cat like that. cardinalpaw's normally so quiet; it's nice to see him take a stand for himself.

someday, i'd like to get to know him better.