It's later in the evening when we land, and everyone is going to have a ton of paperwork to handle tomorrow. JJ offers me a ride home, which I don't accept. The subway clears my head, I say, but really I'm just walking a few blocks and then Reid will pick me up.

After today, I can't have a conversation with Bastien about Rachel's concerns. Or mine. If my life were a tapestry, I'd get rid of it. Too many loose threads. My braids are more put together, but I suppose that is to be expected. I sent him a text when we landed, letting him know to clear out of my bedroom tomorrow morning. He is banished back to the couch in the living room.

It's not just Rachel's concerns now. My bank account is draining quicker each month as I pitch in for Bastien's share of groceries. My share of the bills have doubled, and while it's eating away at any hopes of savings I had, I need him to do something besides sit around all day. For his benefit. Even getting a gym membership would be a step above the current circumstances.

Spencer's car rolls up beside me, treads scraping on the concrete. The car door clicks as it unlocks. I pull myself into the passenger's seat. It's warm inside, and smells like him despite the car freshener attached to the vent on the passenger's side.

"You know, no one would ever know if you killed me," I chuckle.

Spencer visibly bristles, "you don't usually make jokes like that."

"Sorry," I say.

He's right. It doesn't feel right to apologize, but it feels just as wrong not to acknowledge what I've said. It was a joke. It was a joke, a kind that doesn't usually pass my lips. He's still idling the car though, waiting, and I realize it's for me to buckle my seatbelt. I oblige him, clicking it into place and he begins to drive.

"Tell-" he hesitates on the word. I look at him, brow furrowed. His elbows are bent so he can properly hold the steering wheel, but they somehow still look locked. Like almost petrified in place. "Do you want to talk about Karine?"

I shake my head, "well, what's there to say?"

He stops at a light. I can feel him, his eyes on me. I take in a breath, somehow certain it is my last. We aren't driving. We aren't going anywhere. My legs ache beneath me.

I need to run.

The light changes as my hand finds the doorhandle. He keeps driving. If he noticed my movement he doesn't say anything about it, which I suppose is unusual for him. I miss Oxford. In England, the light turns amber before they turn green, not just before a red light. You always get a warning before it's time to move. Conductors raise their batons to get the attention of the orchestra.

Spencer keeps driving in silence.

I sigh, "Spen, I don't think it'll be helpful."

"Humour mean," he asks, because it is an ask. That much I can tell without being a profiler.

I had best friends, back home. I wasn't one of those girls who only hung out with boys. With Stéphane in the same year as me, it wasn't even really a choice anyway. All the boys loved him. Too be fair, everyone did. My friends mostly fawned over him too. He played instruments, was on the hockey team, and as Morgan has pointed out before, the Bouchards aren't bad looking. All of my siblings blonde, light eyed, and with infectious smiles. Very few of his friends didn't have crushes on me, and vice versa. I only really got closest to the few girls who resisted Stéphane.

Like Valerie.

"She was edgy," I manage. Valerie, anyway. "We both liked Winona Ryder and her movies, but she was obsessed. She's the one who talked me into that awful pixie cut. Just, overall she was cooler than me. I mean... is that enough?"

Reid doesn't take his eyes off the road, but he does blink, if only for a second, "sorry?"

"Is that enough of an attempt?" I ask back at him. We are nearing his apartment already.

"Oh," he pauses. I can hear his turn signal blinking. "You're being serious."

"Well, of course I am," I say. "I just want... the case sucked, Spen. It was awful, and now you're trying to get me to talk about my dead best friend. It's almost midnight and I'm exhausted. I'm just not interested in talking about it, okay? This is why I quit therapy!"

A beat passes. He pulls into the underground lot and parks. The car idles. He doesn't turn it off though. Instead, he adjusts himself in the driver's seat so that he's turned to face me.

"Is that what you meant when you said she wanted to talk about things that are irrelevant?" Spencer asks. "You said your therapist was kind of wasting your time instead of talking about Karine's death. I'm not really sure how that's irrelevant."

Shit.

I don't have a satisfying answer. The lies were always going to catch up to me. I figure it wouldn't be in such a moronic way though.

"Did you lie about why you left therapy?"

I cross my arms, "I knew you'd act like this."

"How am I acting?" his voice is quiet, higher than usual.

It makes it next to impossible to be angry with him. I'm not, no matter how much I'd like to be. I can't bring myself to even edge near the precipice of fury. It would be easier with Estelle, with my siblings, or even with Rachel. I could hate them.

"Worried," I swallow. My throat feels tight. "You're acting worried."

"I'm not acting worried," he says. "I am worried, Colette."

I unbuckle my belt and slip out of the car. I've got a head start on him since he's still got to turn the car off. The element of surprise on my side, but I get to the trunk of the car and freeze.

I can't run away from him. My body won't obey me.

He gets out of the car. One step then another and another, each louder than the last. Spencer leans on the trunk beside me, legs outstretched. Long, lanky lines cutting across space. How is he so close even when he doesn't touch me. It's a magic trick of his that I can't understand. A puzzle that I can't complete on my own.

"We should go upstairs," I check my watch. "It's past midnight, and I have so many missed emails from NCVAC."

He wraps an arm around my shoulder. Together, we walk up toward his apartment. The night air is cold, even though April is rapidly rearing toward us.

April is my amber light.

I scoff, "it's not for me, but I'm not being switched to NCVAC. Hell will freeze over first.

Spencer nods. We get in the elevator up to his apartment.

"Any word on the PhD applications?"

I pull out my phone and scroll through my personal emails. There are two from Malmö and Cork, both saying my application has been denied. I'm glad. Those are the ones I applied to in my haste after I got a letter from my so-called secret admirer. They both emailed me three weeks ago to set up interviews, and I ignored them. Nothing yet from Georgetown and UPenn.

"No, but PhD applications take longer to review. I won't expect interview calls until April," I look over at him then something crosses my mind. "I feel like there is a question you aren't asking. Like you're asking a bunch of other questions to get at it."

I just..." he breathes in. "This Easter, I'm going to visit my Mom. Just for a night. I wanted to make sure your interviews didn't clash before I invited you along."

We get to his floor. It's too late to talk so I wait until we are tucked inside his apartment.

"It's Shenandoah time then," I say. "All of us are going camping again, for a combined Caro and Bastien birthday celebration. After Christmas, we agreed no partners."

He softly smiles. Spencer looks down at his shoes, still on in the doorway.

I kick my own off and step deeper into the apartment. He doesn't follow after me and I turn to look at him, "what?"

My go bag is in the car. I don't want to do laundry this late, so I guess I don't need it. I have spare work clothes here anyway. I can do my make up while he drives me in. Everything else I could possibly need stuff.

He's finished this puzzle piece. I've slotted into his apartment perfectly.

"You said, or I guess you didn't say it exactly, but you implied that we are partners," he says. "And before you took it back, I just wanted to sit with it.

"I..." I look at him, in the halo of light in the doorway. "I wasn't going to. Take it back, that is."

He grins.

~~~~~

Trouble in paradise? A little, but not that much I suppose. I need to get back into writing, urgh it's stressing me out. For now, enjoy this!