Hello there.

What you are about to read is a heretofore classified account of an unsolved oddity that has only recently come to my attention from the hidden archives of Unlikely Events, and I relate it now with utmost secrecy. 'Tis merely a folk tale, to be passed down around gloomy campfires on the bitterest nights of autumn.

Mind that I offer no personal opinion on what happened in the following matter; I was not there, and can relate only my secondhand account. Read for yourself and make of it what you will.

A final word: Everything herewith mentioned is regarded as a work of fiction. All relations to persons living or dead are entirely coincidental. What you are about to read is not a true story.

Maybe.

~

    It was a dark and stormy night over the somber outskirts of the silent Toad Town. The clouds were gathering but the rain hadn't yet started to fall. The deafening silence over Mushroom Way was getting thicker every second, like awful pudding at Thanksgiving dinner. Something horrible was afoot.
You could smell that like the pudding too.
The wind shifted, sending a chill down Luigi's spine.
Hunched quiveringly in the grass by the corner of his own residence, panting like a renegade thief, he plastered himself against the siding.
He didn't see anything. All had been calm for a few seconds now. Anxiously he rubbed his eyes and refocused on the street, tantalizingly empty several yards away. Perhaps the weird drink from earlier had been getting to him.
What was he even thinking? I must be out of my mind, he thought. This is ridiculous.
Slowly he began to stand up out of the bushes. Everything seemed to be clear—

And then it touched him!!

Luigi screamed in terror as the creature reached out for his shoulder, only a breath's space away. At that moment lightning crashed over the yard, illuminating the grotesque figure of—

Wait a minute. We're getting ahead of ourselves.
Just why is Luigi hiding in his yard on a rainy night, you may ask? Well, we'll have to back up to where it all began if you want that story. It is not a story that NintendoJedi would readily tell you... but so I must. It is a tale of horror and mystery....
And perhaps just a touch of... CRAZINESS.

It was on one perfect, absolutely ordinary Mushroom Kingdom Day, when the sky was an absurdly bright blue, the flowers were spinning, and the whole world had a super-happy sparkle like it was some colorful video game world for ten year olds or something, that it all started.
This is also the same weather you usually get before a golfing match or a serial killing spree — in other words before all decency descends into madness — but why would we bother bringing that up? It had up to this time been a town of happiness and prosperity, and that means all was as it should be.
That means 'the Mario gang' was taking advantage of the day by (big surprise) playing some sports!
Today Peach's castle volleyball court rang with the sounds of screeching goons and mild concussions.
Blue Toad stood on the sideline, wearing a catcher's helmet with a grave countenance.
That means he was dressed for the wrong sport with a party-pooping attitude. "Volleyball. That one sport that takes everything fun about grade-school P.E. and turns it into a bitter debate between a ball and gravity, while the players stand helplessly exposed to the aerial bludgeoning from above."
"I think you're being a little dramatic, Blue Toad," Peach called from where she sparkled on the court near him. (Princesses don't sweat when they play sports. They sparkle.) Now she was poised in her workout clothes on her side of the net with Daisy, who was bouncing up and down in anticipation.
On the other side, their opponents, Toad and Luigi, were getting ready to pitch the ball, or however you call it. Just as Luigi was about to toss the ball in the air, Daisy called, "Don't drop it, sweet stuff!"
Luigi, dorkified at being called sweet stuff, dropped the ball.
It bounced away and bonked Yellow Toad, who had somehow meandered into the midst of them. "What is this game called again?" he asked.
"Maul the Guy with the Ball," Blue Toad hollered.
"Much obliged," Daisy grinned. With no warning, she launched forward, and many crashing and mauling noises were made. Then she threw the thing in the air and smashed it over the net. Unfortunately, she got his head mistaken for the ball, and so the next thing we know, Toad was bludgeoned by Yellow Toad's head.
Luigi, who was standing uselessly, groaned at this display of uselessness. "Toad, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I wish Mario was here. He's taller than you."
"Ha! Said Mario never," Blue Toad snickered.
Luigi shrugged. "Well, he actually is taller this time."
Daisy crossed her arms. "Hey yeah, where is Mario? Isn't he supposed to be here?"
Luigi shrugged. "Yeah, he should be here any minute. Said he wanted to stop off for some fatty food or something."
"No, he is here," a familiar voice broke in. (You can't hear it, but whatever.) Still downing a last handful of succulent super acorns that you cannot fathom the taste of due to universe differences, Mario strode over to the court. Glancing around, he asked, "Hey, where's the foobs and all the baddies?"
Daisy glanced around. "Did you want us to invite them?"
Mario shook his head quickly. "Oh no, I just assumed they would inevitably be here since they think they're part of my gang or something."
Luigi raised an eyebrow. "Mario, this is not a gang."
"Yes it is, change my mind." He crunched down the last of his junk food.
Peach stepped forward. "Well, actually Daisy and I decided to play a little more privately this time... just so it would be more... fun."
"Wait till Waluigi hears about this," Blue Toad commented.
Mario grinned. "Sounds good to me!" He stepped onto the court and pushed Luigi. "Move over, bro. I need in."
Luigi was offended. "Excuse me? Kick Toad out, I was the one just wishing for a taller partner!"
"Well, I think I'm tired of being the pushover," Toad declared. "I call for one more round first!"
Mario shrugged and turned away. "Fine, whatever. Knock yourselves out." He promptly went and perched himself by Blue Toad on the sideline.
Blue Toad looked up at him. "You should get a helmet while you have a chance."
Mario rolled his eyes. "That's a catcher's mask. And a volleyball never hurt anyone." His indignant speech was punctuated by Daisy once again smacking the ball upwards, bouncing it right off Toad's head with a satisfying BONK that knocked him to the ground. From there it flew out of bounds, landing right into the branches of the tanooki tree that happened to be overlooking the area.
"The volleyball has hurt me," Toad announced.
After smug glares were made, Peach stepped forward. "I think maybe we should just stick with punting the ball, instead of trying to murder it?"
"Yeah... maybe," Daisy said. "But that kind of goes against our values."
Mario jumped up. "I'll get it!" he said, happy to do something 'heroic'. With little difficulty, he vaulted up into the tanooki tree.
Now the sitting branch where people liked to sit was small potatoes, but the ball was up a good deal further, in the high leaves. And Mario, as we have already established, is not the tallest guy in the book.
This book.
Forgetting this in his obvious bid to impress them, he began climbing up into the thick branches. Within another moment, he had reached the ball.
"Careful, Mario," Peach called. "Tanooki trees are quite dangerous!"
"Dangerous? What's so special about them?" Toad asked from where he still lay on the ground.
She nodded. "Oh yes! In my family we have always passed down the tale of how once a prince broke someone's heart while sitting on a tanooki tree. He told a girl he loved her, but he was lying. Then, when he tried to get up and leave, he slipped in the tree and fell, never to speak again."
"Woah. Crazy," Daisy said.
"So it's basically like an all-seeing server of justice," Yellow Toad figured. "Wicked!"
Peach laughed. "No, Yellow Toad, I'm just teasing. It's only a story."
"Why does this matter again?" Blue Toad asked.
"Just toss the ball down," Luigi said, irritated about the lack of volleyball going on.
Mario, having almost touched the thing, grabbed a lower branch to support his weight as he reached for it. Unfortunately, as you probably also recall, his arm is rather short too, making it an agonizingly slow process. His fingers were almost there when—
SNAP!
Like a thousand aching backs cracking, the tree gave way under the weight of one too many pizza pies. The remaining gang on the ground gasped up in shock as the retrieval went completely haywire, sending the human plummeting down a series of nasty staircase-like falls over branches before crashing to the ground at last.
He landed in a pile of plumber in the grass with a thump that could shake Peach's Castle.
Luigi ran over in spite of himself. "Mario, are you all right??"
"Did you get the ball?" Blue Toad asked.
Mario, happily not hearing Blue Toad, sat up with a snicker. "Sweet, naive Luigi. I wouldn't be where I am today if I didn't know how to take a fall. I'm fine," he replied. "Takes much worse than gravity to hurt this man of steel."
Luigi rolled his eyes. "I can't wait for the day," he muttered.
Mario stood up, completely unfazed in that very Mario way. At this, the others instantly adopted strange and concerned expressions.
"Uhm... so why are you dangling your arm like that?" Peach asked, shuddering in sudden alarm.
Mario looked. "What, this? It's fine. It's nothing. Probably just a little sprain." He shifted his arm like a limp noodle, making it obvious that it was not responding to him.
Luigi caught sight of it and suddenly let out a jagged gasp. "Uhh, I don't think that's just a sp-sprain, Mario... y-you need to see a doctor," he cringed.
Mario snorted. "Me, a sometimes-doctor, see another doctor? That'll look stupid on my resumé."
"This doesn't go on a resumé, it's an injury," Daisy said, staring at his arm. "It goes on your medical report."
"Stop staring at my arm," he replied, hugging it. "Medical reports are for weaklings anyway. And broken bones are all just in your head, usually."
Luigi frowned in concern. "I dunno Mario... elbows don't really bend that way, do they?" They observed as he lifted a slightly disturbingly backwards-bent right arm with flailing hand attached. "Maybe I'm double jointed," he replied. He slapped his arm, doubling over at the unexpected and obvious pain it caused him which no one noticed.
"Ohh, that makes sense," Luigi said. "After all, you are a doctor sometimes."
Daisy jumped up. "Great! I guess now we can get back to volleyball practice!"
On cue, the volleyball he had failed to retrieve fell out of the tree and hit Mario on the head.
"You can have my spot now, Mario," Toad said to the sky. "I call concussion."
"Sweet!" Daisy cheered, scooping it up. "My serve."
"You can get the back position, Mario," Luigi said, situating himself on the court.
"Oh yeah, sure," Mario replied, grimacing to himself as he moved into position.
You can probably already see where this is going. Or maybe you can't, I don't know.
Daisy, being the wickedly competitive person she is, thwapped the ball upwards with the force of a freight truck. Mario, having just entered the game, was placed right in the line of her ball. Luigi, knowing that Mario wouldn't let himself get bested on the first serve, yelled, "You got this, bro!" Peach, irritated that Daisy had ignored her earlier advice, watched in irritation.
The volleyball sailed through the air.
...till it met its mark directly in Mario's waiting arms.
However, instead of hurling the ball back with flames and edgy music like he typically would do, or even punting it back like a normal person, he did something quite odd — froze up like a sack of potatoes.
(That's two potato references already in this story.)
The ball hit the ground like a dumbbell. Mario, in a not-very-well-masked gasp of shock, shuddered like the last pizza on earth had been eaten. Briefly, he grabbed his arm.
"Dude, what's the matter?" Daisy called in surprise.
"And the volleyball has won. I state my case," Toad declared from where he was STILL lying on the ground.
Luigi stepped forward. "Mario, are you sure you're okay?" he asked.
Mario, cradling his arm tentatively like it was a baby, jerked up with a vaguely distressed look. "Oh yeah! Yeah, I'm right as rain," he said forcedly. "I just... I think I don't want to play volleyball today actually."
Luigi grinned in relief. "Great! Then that means we won't have to miss high five practice!"
"Huh?"
"You know, our standard protocol! That's today, remember?"
"Oh. Ohhh yeah that's great," Mario said unenthusiastically.
You see, conveniently, Mario and Luigi happen to practice epic bro high-fiving methods once a week, and today's the day.
"Wow, you guys are no fun today," Daisy observed. "Well, Toad and Blue Toad, guess what this means? You guys get back in!!"
"Just what I've always wanted," Toad groaned from the asphalt.

In the grass beside the volleyball court, the bros were situated like campfire kids learning their salutes or whatever.
Don't ask me. I was never a campfire kid.
Nearby, the princesses whipped the jimmies out of the toads at volleyball, whatever that means.
"Alright, show me what you got," Mario said uncertainly, holding up his left hand.
Luigi stopped. "Mario, we use our right hand, remember? You insisted."
Mario stopped and chuckled without any pleasure in it. "Yeah, of course. Uh—
With much reluctance, he held out a trembling hand.
You see, Mario had invented a really cool handshake a while back that was part of their over-the-top victory celebration for use in the next Mario Party, and Luigi had really gotten into it. So when the time came—
SLAP-BACKSLAP-HANDSHAKE-ARMSHAKE-FISTBUMP-SMACK!!
Sorry. I'll never do that again.
Anyway I think you get the idea.
"Whew! Pretty great, huh?" Luigi asked.
Mario, half doubled over again in silent agony at this slapdown, spluttered, "Oh yeah, it's the best!" He quickly resumed gasping for air, whimpering in a pain which Luigi did not really notice.
"You still good, bro?"
"Double-jointed," he reminded in a strained voice.
Luigi grinned. "Great! Then that means you won't have to miss your arm-wrestling tournament!"
Mario raised his eyebrows in alarm. "What??"
Luigi nodded. "You know, your weekly hobby. Arm wrestling with DK. I know how much it means to you, so I called for DK to come here!"
On cue the giant ape slammed down next to them from nowhere.
"Hey guys! Ready to duke it out again, Mario?" He flexed his giant arm muscle.
Now usually, Mario could safely say he could beat an ape with one hand tied behind his back. But today Mario shook his head in confusion. "Uhm, I really—
Just then the girls came over. "Ooh, arm wrestling again? Give us a good one this time!" Daisy said, slapping her palm. Peach grinned knowingly.
Mario was visibly shrinking as he stepped forward, but nobody noticed. It would be very unlike him not to meet the challenge, after all.
Quivering in trepidation, he held out his arm and took DK's ginormous hand, visibly cringing. DK did the countdown himself.
"3, 2, 1,"
Crack! In a mere second the ape had knocked his arm flat like a twig with a small crunching noise.
The girls' eyes widened in shock.
Please allow a brief moment of silence

...for the arms who have not survived their arm wrestling tournaments.
"...eeYaaHHAAHaaaggghhh," Mario inhaled, trembling like a... Luigi in a haunted mansion.
Clutching his arm, he stumbled back and whined like a baby puppy that was crying on the inside.
DK blinked. "Oops. Maybe I'm getting too good."
Luigi widened his eyes. "Mario? Are you alright??"
He didn't get an answer, unless you count how all at once Mario let out a half-present moan like a lovesick Moocow, swayed a bit and fainted.
He landed right into Peach's arms, except not really because she only caught his head.
"How romantic," Yellow Toad sighed.

When Mario came to, Luigi was long finished with the day's activities.
That's probably because after his brother had passed out on the spot, he canceled all the other activities and brought him home to rest. Wincing in obvious discomfort that was obvious this time, Mario opened his eyes to see his living room ceiling and Luigi standing over him on the couch.
"Good nap, man of steel?" he asked.
Mario frowned but didn't say anything. He made a move to sit up but when he touched his arm, he stopped with a whine.
Luigi watched in concern. "I knew it, there's something wrong with you. You shouldn't have been an idiot and climbed that tree too high, you know better than this and you do it anyway! You've been out for 3 hours, I hope you know. And I carried you home. Well, how are you?"
Mario shifted carefully. "I'm... fine—hjjnggh," he groaned, clutching the arm again.
Luigi threw up his hands. "Unbelievable. Still with the invincible man heroics, huh? Well I'm calling Doctor Toadley. You're starting to get irritating, you know."
"Look who's irritating," Mario grouched, getting up. "I'm just tired. Lemme get some sleep. I'll be fine in the morning." Walking off to presumably his bed, he left Luigi frowning quizzically by the phone.
"...But its only 5 o'clock," Luigi muttered.

I would put another time card to the next day but, alas, the next day was hardly a day. In the retrospect, it was hard to tell if it was truly a day at all, or perhaps it was something like a nightmare...
The morning brought with it a drearily overcast sky with trace rumblings of thunder, so no one made any plans to play sports. Luigi might have thought Mario would take advantage of the thunder to get out and play some extreme Strikers, but he had remained in bed all evening into the late morning. When he finally dragged himself to the kitchen at like 10, Luigi was scrubbing dishes. He looked up and tapped his foot disapprovingly.
"Well I hope you enjoyed your sleep, Man of Steel," Luigi greeted. "It's rude not to show up to breakfast you know. I'd think you of all people—
He stopped. Mario looked about the same, except worse because he clearly hadn't slept much. Staggering to the table, he sat down and held his arm, face pale and distant.
Luigi came closer. "Hey, you don't look so good. Mario there's no shame in admitting you're hurt—
"It'll heal," Mario wheezed stubbornly. He didn't appear very engaged.
"Well at least your attitude survived the accident," Luigi frowned.
Without warning the front door busted open. Luigi looked up to see a toad girl in a white nurse outfit barge into their living room, stethoscope uplifted to the open air as if it were an attitude detector.
"Yes! I've found it!" She cried.
Luigi stared. "Uhh... who are you?"
She snorted. "Well, I'm from Dr. Toadley's office! I was picking up immense signals from a bone in distress and so I set out to find it!" She tapped the stethoscope.
Mario was too out of it now to pay attention. All at once he slumped over on the table like a whiny baby and held his arm.
"I don't think that's how it wor—
Luigi was interrupted by the nurse zooming to their side, holding the stethoscope up to Mario's arm. "Mm. Mm. Yes, this is it. Ughh, how long have you been running around like this? What did he do, arm wrestle with an ape??"
Luigi blinked. "Uhh, well—
She touched his arm, causing him to wrench in pain. She shook her head in disgust. "It's gotta be infected!" With no permission, she stood Mario up and headed for the door, surprisingly not getting any resistance from him.
"H-hey! What are you..." Luigi made as if to follow, but her words slowly sank in and brought him to a stop. "...infected?" he asked, a twinge of fear coming to him.

A fair amount of stress later, in Mushroom Hospital...

Imagine everything you know about medical dramas. Now take out all the dramatic doctors and replace them with toads and generic hospital-lobby dialogue. Now fast forward an hour.
In a random overly-white hallway filled with potted plants, Luigi was pacing back and forth like a nervous chicken.
He didn't know why he was so anxious. It was just an arm injury.
Still, he couldn't shake the feeling that something awful was happening. His stomach felt weird, and even his own arm seemed numb somehow.
"Luigi! We came as soon as we heard," Peach exclaimed, rushing over to him with Daisy by her side. "How is he?"
Luigi stopped and shrugged. "I don't know. They took him in like an hour ago and they haven't told me anything except I can't see him."
Daisy frowned. "What is this, a medical drama? What do they think is the issue?"
Luigi shrugged again. "They said maybe he'd developed an infection... I think he had like three fractures or something for sure. ...Not like you would have guessed that."
"Oh my," Peach gasped. "That sounds awful! And he never said a word?"
Luigi shook his head in irritation.
"Well... are they going to fix it alright? He'll be fine, yes?"
"...I dunno. Why wouldn't he?" Luigi asked tensely.
Daisy patted Luigi's shoulder. "Are you holding together?"
Luigi nodded. "I... I think so. This technically isn't the first time Mario's been to the hospital. There was the bean incident. And then also when we were little he got something shoved up his nose. ...I assumed he'd probably wind up here again at some point."
Peach said, "I wonder how it could have gotten infected?"
"The rude toad nurse said because he was running around with it for a day unchecked," Luigi said.
"Well, it's kind of his fault if you ask me," Daisy said. "He insisted that he was fine."
Luigi sighed. "I just don't get what the holdup is! You'd think Mario would have told them all off or jumped out a window by now. He hates people telling him he needs help."
"That wouldn't be entirely surprising," Peach mused.
Meanwhile in the next room, a toad doctor turned to his assistant, a young toad intern in scrubs. "Joey, go tell the fellow waiting outside the news. Do try and be sensitive."
Joey jerked up and almost dropped his clipboard. "But sir, I've only been here a week."
"Exactly. Make it count."
The three humans looked up as the intern walked out. "Um, excuse me," he began. "I hate to have to tell you this, but he's going to need to stay here overnight. We're still running diagnostics and he's in no real stable condition... we're going to have to operate and um, I need you to prepare for the worst."
Luigi's heart dropped like lead as the princesses grabbed his arms. "What??" he stammered.
"What do you mean, worst??" Daisy demanded.
"You can't say you're giving up on him!" Peach cried. "What's even the matter??"
The toad intern sighed and hugged the clipboard. "I'm afraid the infection is just too far along. It's reached the brain. It's done things. Horrible things. I'm not saying it's hopeless... but I don't want to make promises right now. If you come back tomorrow you can visit him. I'm so sorry."
If Luigi had ever looked more like a ghost, it was in the Simon Belmont trailer for Smash Ultimate.
Trembling like a withered leaf, he let his arms drop and stared at the floor in a daze. He could sense the princesses gripping his shoulders and talking but he didn't feel it. All at once it was as if someone had sucked the whole soul out of him.
"We'll come back tomorrow then," Peach said bravely. "He'll pull through, you'll see." They began to lead Luigi out.
As the shocked trio walked out of the hall, the toad intern glanced again at his clipboard. "Was that...? Huh. Oh poop, I may have... Eh, never mind," he shrugged to himself.

Luigi was like a zombie for the rest of the way home. His eyes remained dry as the others led him slowly out of the hospital, but he wasn't paying attention. He didn't remember getting home, he didn't remember sitting at his table while the princesses tried to make him consume something.
He only remembered how it was his fault...

That evening was a long and difficult one in the Mario residence. Peach and Daisy had accompanied Luigi home and offered to cook, but all he would take was a drink, so they gave him herbal tea with something to help him relax.
"He's not gonna go easy until Mario is home," Daisy pointed out in a hushed whisper.
Overall they had kept a cheerful attitude for him — but they were worried too. Peach, when they first got to the house, spent a good five minutes beside herself in the kitchen.
"Oh Daisy, what's going on? I would have been taking care of him all this time if I'd thought something was amiss—! What if he's not alright? What do you think the doctor meant by 'it's reached his brain'??" She gasped. "Oh no!! What if— What if— What am I going to do?? He just has to be okay, he just has to be!" She wrung her hands and sat down. "I can't lose him now! We're so young! I haven't had a chance to... anyway. Daisy what do I do??"
Daisy, raising an eyebrow in a moment of patient calm, replied, "Relax. This is Mario we're talking about. He may be idiotic at times but he's not easy to keep down."
Peach, staring at her for a moment in indecisiveness, finally shrugged. "Okay, that's true. Thanks," she said.
But Luigi wasn't listening to reason. He had become like someone transformed, brooding at the kitchen table for twenty minutes like he'd just lost his milk money, only way worse.
Peach and Daisy came back to him. On their entrance, he cleared his throat. "Excuse me, Daisy? Would you mind slapping me?"
She raised her eyebrows pointedly.
"I just need to wake up," he clarified. "Mario would always be more than happy to knock some sense into me..."
He sniffed, so before that could escalate Daisy lifted a hand a slightly swiped him on the shoulder.
He shook his head. "No, you've got to put more emotion in it. Like you're disappointed but you also care."
Daisy groaned. "Okay this is getting out of hand! Luigi," she said, seizing his shoulders. "Mario is not dying. He's going to pull through, just like he always does. Now why don't you just relax and do something you ordinarily couldn't do with him around? Peach and I need to get heading out."
Luigi looked uncertain, but Peach came up and nodded. "Worrying won't help Mario, Luigi. I know it's impossible... but just try to take it easy. Don't disappoint Mario by moping." She offered a brave little smile.
"We'll be back tomorrow to go back to the hospital," Daisy said as they headed for the door. "And probably by then he'll be coming home."
"Yeah..." Luigi said to himself without much enthusiasm.
If only he could've guessed when Mario would be coming home....

The rain that had drizzled all day had come to a momentary lull, rendering the house still and eerily silent. Usually Mario had left some video game running somewhere if he wasn't playing it himself. But not tonight.
In the quiet bedroom, Luigi sat back on his bed and stared at the other side of the room with his umpteenth sigh. He hadn't found the courage to get ready for bed yet, and he doubted he would anytime soon.
He didn't know what his issue was. It wasn't like Mario didn't abandon him fairly often whenever he went on those three-week-long adventures without him. It was just that this time, it was Luigi's fault.
Getting up with a growl of irritation, he made for the darkened kitchen. With the wind rattling the panes occasionally around him, he could almost have thought it was a different setting — say an abandoned house. Or a haunted mansion...
He knew it wasn't his fault Mario had fallen out of the tree, but it was his fault for allowing it. And then making him do things that were probably hurting him all day. He knew he should never have stopped babying him.
Here Luigi stopped and crossed his arms angrily. Well, the idiot could have just SAID something...
He came to the fridge, squinting inside to see if there was anything good left. He immediately saw Mario's half-finished cream pie from earlier that week and paused.
It was about to go bad. Mario probably wouldn't be around to eat it in time... if he came home at all.
Stifling a sob, Luigi looked for something else, but no luck. He had been hoping to hide his greatest concern from the princesses earlier, but now he couldn't deny it to himself.
He had a terrible, gut-wrenching feeling that Mario would not be coming home anymore.
The others had made light of it, but Luigi had heard what the doctor said. There may not be much they could do...
Biting his lip, Luigi grabbed the pie. One of Mario's many favorites.
He had just crossed over to the table, prepared to sit down and unsuccessfully drown his anxieties in it, when it happened.
*flash*
All at once a crack of lightning struck the tree outside, with a sound that hurt Luigi's eardrums. Dropping the pie with a gasp, he looked up in heart-thumping fear as the lights flickered briefly—
Then plunged him into the dark.
Oh no. "Boy, that's just great," he remarked aloud. "Typical. I'm home alone and the power goes out!"
He shouldn't have said it aloud, because it reminded him that he was alone and the power was out. With a slow uneasiness, Luigi made blindly for the flashlight he knew was somewhere on the counter. He may or may not have put his hand in the bowl of thawing raw meat by mistake.
That was when he heard a sudden slam. It was coming from somewhere nearby— really nearby. In the house.
Stopping in place, Luigi turned, seeing nothing but shadows. His heart picked up for a moment as he realized what might be true.
All at once the front door opened.
CRASH.
Another streak of lightning hit just outside, illuminating everything behind the black silhouette of a short, hunching figure in the doorway. It was accompanied by a recognizable groan of abject discomfort...
Luigi gasped. "Mario!?" Grabbing frantically for the flashlight, his hand finally found it and coaxed it on.
"...Mario?" Blinking to adjust to the yellow beam, he aimed the light towards the door.
What he saw was a nightmarish sight beyond imagination.

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Luigi screamed.
"Eeeeuullggggaahhhh," the figure replied with a very flattering groan.
And what was it Luigi was confronted with, stumbling into his very own living room?
It's... its....
"Mario??" Luigi gasped in terror.
There in his flashlight beam, half-tripping over its own feet, was a ragged, slightly bent little man — if one could call it that — who looked beaten for dead as if he'd crawled out of a sewer. Dragging one shoeless bare foot as if it were fake, he stepped a couple short feet over the threshold, paused, and shuddered with another growling breath.
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" Luigi screamed again. No... that's not Mario! Mario isn't...
He aimed the flashlight higher. At the light shined upon his face, the figure seemed to rear up a little, as if shifting on a spine that wasn't entirely connected. It was then that he saw it: pale greenish skin, showing in places beneath the torn clothes, which looked as though they'd been through a woodcutter. Gloves with missing fingers complimented his primary getup: overalls with one strap missing. And above the shirt that looked as if it'd been clawed away from the neckline, a sickly face met him in the dark, empty and gazing and bare — where he would have expected eyes, he met a blank white abyss.
The hair being a disheveled mess, there was no sign of a hat either.
Luigi froze up in place, sheer madness seizing him for a moment.
He screamed. "ZOMBIE!!! ITS THE APOCALYPSE!!!"
"Graaagggghg," the creature replied.
Luigi screamed again. They had invaded his home he had to get out—!!!
Without a second thought for anything, he flung open the kitchen window and dove outside. "It's the end of the world I've lost my WiFi signal they've taken over my house!!" he babbled to literally no one.
Well, technically he didn't check for WiFi. But that's beside the point.
Panting like a birthing giraffe, he dove into a bush by the back wall.

Ahhhh, and now we finally come back to our narrative. Look familiar? I thought so. So how does it end, you ask? Let's find out.

Standing up and rubbing his eyes, Luigi stared at the road ahead. I'm being ridiculous, he thought in a sudden rush of clarity. It must be my imagination, there's nothing in there!
And then it touched him!
Somehow the creature had followed right behind him, and now Luigi was confronted with a grotesquely cold, greenish hand on his arm.
He screamed bloody murder.
"STAY AWAY I BEG YOU!!" Scrambling backwards, Luigi made for the road and ran, leaving the creature staring blankly after him.
Remembering his phone now, Luigi yanked it out as he ran towards town, calling the castle as he did. Within a moment Toadsworth had answered.
"Why hello there Master Luigi, how can I—
"GIVE ME THE PRINCESSES!"
"Oh, well I—
"NOW ITS THE END OF THE WORLD!!"
"Alright alright!" There was a beep on his end, and a moment later—
"Hello?"
"P-P-PRINCESS!! He's back!!" Luigi wailed.
"Luigi? What's the matter? Who's back?" Peach asked.
"MARIO!!"

Approximately ten minutes later, Luigi paced back and forth harder than he had ever paced before across the lobby of the castle.
He had thankfully made it without being caught — he had never actually looked to see if he was being pursued — and Peach and Daisy, who was staying with her, came down in moments.
"So you didn't try talking to him?" Daisy asked, standing by with an irritated confusion.
"There was no talking to that thing!" Luigi replied thinly.
Peach looked troubled and shook her head. "I don't understand what it could have been, Luigi, but it couldn't have been Mario. He was checked into the hospital and well under anesthesia. You heard the doctor say that he wasn't in a great condition anyway—
"Exactly!!" Luigi cried, stopping to point at her like she was the clue to the crime. "He wasn't! He said he was preparing for the worst and we didn't! But I knew it!! I knew it was serious!!"
Daisy stepped forward and grabbed his shoulder. "Luigi, we get it. You're under a lot of stress. But don't you think you could have been dreaming?"
He whirled on her. "No Daisy I wasn't dreaming," he said in a scarily low scowl. "I saw him come through my front door and he even touched me. It was the zombie of Mario!!"
Daisy stared incredulously. "But Luigi, aren't zombies typically, um, buried first?"
"Not necessarily," said an authoritative voice from the doorway. They all looked to see Yoshi stride in, looking awake and professional as if he'd just read a book on the topic.
Daisy snorted. "What, did you just read a book on the topic?"
"As a matter of fact, no. I just watch a lot of zombie apocalypse movies. They're very educational," Yoshi replied. "And when Peach called me I did a quick search. Zombies can mutate from any number of external factors."
Daisy stared at him. "Are you trying to tell us that Mario mutated into a zombie, broke out of the hospital, and wants revenge on Luigi?"
"That's not what I'm saying at all," Yoshi replied, but Luigi jumped.
"The infection! I told you what the doctor said! It did things to his brain!" He grabbed his flashlight and stuck it up his face. "Horrible things..."
Peach looked alarmed, but finally she turned to Yoshi. "Well, if you believe there's actually a chance that Luigi's on to something, I guess we should go take a look," she said. "We can go back to his house and at least prove everything's alright."
"Not!" Luigi replied. "My brother has been turned into a monster, and I'm not budging until I prove it!"

Moments later, the four of them had donned flashlights and headed outside into the streets of Toad Town. The place was practically abandoned, with everyone presumably shut up in their dark houses sleeping while the thunderstorm threatened to blow down their walls.
As they approached Mario's house, everyone was mostly pretty calm, except for Luigi who was saying things like, "He wants to eat your brains!!"
"Get it together, Luigi," Daisy said, patting his back.
"Actually, panic is a perfectly viable option in this situation," Yoshi said as an unknown critter scampered by. "Zombies are very dangerous. You can bet your succulent cerebral cortex he wants to feast on your noggins. Just try to avoid eye contact — zombies take that as indication your brain is desirable."
"I never thought I'd hear that tonight," Daisy said under her breath, aiming her flashlight down the street.
"WAAHAHH!!" With an unearthly screech like... a zombie, a huge shape leapt from the bushes beside them, causing the gang to scatter in terror.
"AUGH, IT'S TRYING TO DEVOUR US ALL! RUN!!" Luigi screamed.
But before they could make utter fools of themselves, Peach shone the light on their attacker to reveal none other than... Wario and Waluigi, dressed in sheets.
"The foobs?" Yoshi asked.
Daisy glared at them. "What?! What are you people doing out here at this time of night?? And why are you dressed like discount Ancient Romans?"
"Hah!! Did you really think we weren't going to make an appearance?" Waluigi said snootily.
"You always do," Daisy said flatly.
"And our business is our business, bums! Buzz off!" Wario added. "Speaking of, why are you people walking in the street with flashlights?"
A sudden sound from up ahead caused them all to turn. It sounded like a weird, unearthly rustling.
"Hide!" Yoshi whispered. Without thinking, the six all made for a nearby brick wall.
Once they were safely stationed behind it, he caught his breath. "This might be him. Let me slowly poke my head around this blind corner to make sure—
"Blaaughhgck!!" The zombie's horrifically lifeless face appeared with a BAM right in front of his beam.
"Z-z-z-ZOMBIEEE!!" Luigi shrieked, pointing as if they couldn't see.
"Greaaagg," it hissed like a high schooler in the morning.
For about 2.36 seconds everyone stood there with looks of petrified horror and disbelief on their faces.
Except for Wario, who had an eyebrow raised in critical acceptance of the stupidity. "The heq?" he asked.
For a couple of perfectly polite seconds, the zombie slumped there almost perfectly still so they could get a decent look.
Then Peach, who was beginning to gasp for air, finally seemed to recognize what she was looking at and—
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"
At this ear-splitting sound of peachy terror, everyone else who had kept their eardrums scrambled alive as if by a siren.
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
Even the zombie looked startled by her sudden vocal expression and jolted, just enough to freak everyone else out. Shoving the foobs by whacking them with his flashlight, Yoshi enacted a getaway.
"...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!"
And Peach kept screaming all the while.
Until eventually a rather pale-faced Daisy grabbed her shoulders and hustled her away as well.
A faint glow of lightning across the horizon illuminated the group of figures running across the field by Mushroom Way. They were getting near Mario's house now.
"Hey!" Waluigi demanded as they slowed down. "What was that thing?? It looked sick-nasty!!"
He was ignored for adulty talk.
"This is where he first started chasing me I think," Luigi panted quiveringly, sticking against a stone wall as the group paused for breath. "I mean, he kind of limps, so it seems like he should move pretty slow, but he always pops up right there!!"
"How is that?" Yoshi mused. "I do know zombies possess strange abilities, but I don't think teleportation is one of them. I wouldn't rule it out, though." He paced in a small circle in the grass.
"Zombies? So you mean this really is the zombie apocalypse? Why didn't I lose any bars??" Wario said grouchily, pulling out his phone.
"No," Daisy scolded, walking over. "It's not the apocalypse. It's... uh... suggestions?" She asked uneasily.
"I told you," Luigi said, sitting down against the wall. "Something horrible happened in that hospital. And now... My brother is a zombie."
Lightning crashed on the horizon as Peach slowly shook her head.
"No," she breathed. "N-no, tell me there's a real explanation for what we just saw. Because... that was not Mario!!" Her voice didn't seem to trust itself.
"Then what was it?" Wario scoffed, putting his phone away. "I think it's pretty clear what a zombie is when you see one. Haven't you ever watched tv?"
"Real life isn't TV, moron," Daisy snapped. "That being said... maybe we should call the hospital."
"Waht's this about a hospital? Are y'all getting your heads looked at?" Waluigi asked. "Because if you ask me, all I see is a bunch of loons who've been watching too much late night horror and eating toxic waste."
"Nobody asked you," Daisy replied as Peach began to dial the number.
"Alright, so let me get this straight. You're out running away from this creature whom you think is Mario turned into a zombie," Wario said.
Yoshi shrugged. "Well, yes."
"And it never even occurred to you that it might just be some elaborate prank?"
There was a moment of strange silence. Then Luigi spoke up uncertainly, "Mario was hurt, he couldn't be out doing all this stuff. Besides, they said he wasn't doing well."
Waluigi jumped. "Oh I know! I've heard of this once before!"
Peach put her phone away in desperation. "They're not answering," she said worriedly.
Waluigi kept bouncing excitedly. "Yes! That's the thing! So he's doing badly, right? I've seen this happen on tv. You have a really sick patient. And then something evil happens in the hospital when a mad doctor messes with the treatment, which turns out to be a mad zombie serum! And BAM! Instant zombie, never to talk again. Because zombies don't speak, you know. Just groan like they have indigestion."
"Actually it's 'cause they have no brain," Wario supplied. "So they're just stupid."
Daisy sighed. "When exactly did you two lose your brains?"
Waluigi glared.
"The doctor said the infection reached his brain," Luigi insisted, hugging his knees. "I told you."
"We know, Luigi, we just don't believe that," Peach said quietly.
"Then how do you explain—?" Yoshi asked.
Peach shook her head and turned away. "I don't know... I don't—!"
"S-So is this the end?" Luigi asked, starting to cry. "Will I be forced to live out my days hiding from my own brother who's bent on consuming my head? ...Will he never lovingly slap me in the face again??"
"Hold it," Daisy said. "You should know. Aren't you a doctor?" She asked pointedly. "Aren't we ALL doctors?"
Luigi stopped and gazed up at them, tears forming. "Don't pretend we're not fake doctors! This isn't playtime, this is... the end," he sobbed, burying his face in his lap.
"Now wait," Yoshi said. "Okay, based on what I know about zombies, the safest place to hide is in a small dark room with creepy lighting."
"No way! We're not going back to my house," Luigi said.
"Wouldn't it be better to... I don't know, get professional help?" Daisy asked. "Like... animal control?"
Luigi shuddered in horror.
"Isn't he gone now?" Waluigi asked. "I think we lost him."
Yoshi was thoughtful. "Well... Maybe we should try to— AAUGGGGH!!" he suddenly screamed, pointing.
Everyone jumped and turned, expecting to see the zombie, but there was nothing.
"What was that for?" Daisy asked.
"Well, I just assumed he was going to pop up from out of no- LOOK BEHIND YOU!" Yoshi shrieked, pointing again.
Everyone screamed briefly before turning to find once again nothing. They all stared back at Yoshi.
"Huh. And once again I appear to be mistaken. Well, I guess you can never tell-
"BLAAUGGHH!!" With a sudden gurgle of mindlessness, the zombie burst up from over the wall, screaming down at them.
"AAHHHHHHHH!!" Many shrill screams rose up from the crowd as they scattered and fled like chickens.
Is that 2 chicken references already?
Anyway, the zombie toppled and fell gruesomely from the top of the wall, landing in a disgusting heap. Not surprisingly, he took down Waluigi.
It was only a moment later, when they recovered enough to look, that there was warrant to puke in terror.
Nobody did.
"He's eating Waluigi's brain!!" Luigi babbled, pointing. Sure enough, the zombie had somehow secured a grip on the beanpole's neck and now kept him firmly grasped, with his hat well into his mouth in an inhuman display of... something.
"Eeugh! That's not natural!" Daisy recoiled.
"For the zombie, or Waluigi?" Wario asked, unimpressed by the display.
"Um, I don't wanna panic anybody but HELP!" Waluigi yelped, struggling against his attacker.
Nobody moved. "Why would he want to eat Waluigi's brain? Don't you think one of us would be more delicious?" Yoshi asked.
"Oh come on, that's just rude!" Waluigi yelled, still squirming while the zombie literally chewed on his head. Finally he wrenched away as the zombie stood slightly erect with a low rasp. The soulless white eyes met Yoshi's, causing him to scream.
"Every brain for itself!" he hollered, turning tail.
Everyone promptly followed him in a giant horde, resulting in them all huddling behind a nearby roadside bench.
Yoshi held Luigi's jaw still as they silently watched the zombie drag itself past them towards town. He was groaning like a dying moose, but it also sounded as if he was partially trying to vocalize.
When he seemed out of earshot, Luigi stood up. "Isn't there any way we can help him?" he asked fearfully. "He looks almost like he's in pain..."
"Are you mad, man?" Yoshi asked. "There's no known cure for chronic zombieism!"
"He probably is in pain, if he's still dragging that arm," Daisy pointed out.
"Impossible. Zombies don't feel pain," Yoshi said.
"What makes you the expert?" Waluigi asked from under the bench, adjusting his half-eaten hat.
"So I suppose you have a better hypothesis?" Yoshi asked.
"As a matter of fact, yeah! I say we capture Zombie Mario and find a cure!" Waluigi crawled out. "Before he starts spreading his zombie illness to the whole town."
"It's not spreadable," Yoshi said.
"Capture him?" Peach said, making a face. "Are you sure that's... a good idea? How would we find a cure?"
Waluigi tapped his chin. "I dunno."
Daisy facepalmed.
"By a grueling series of increasingly painful tests to every part of Mario's body," Yoshi suggested brightly. "I know a science guy."
"You mean Professor Gadd?" Luigi asked uncertainly. "I don't know. I'm not sure how I feel about this—
"Do you want any hope of getting your brother back?" Yoshi asked in irritation.
Luigi sighed. "Alright... let's capture the zombie."
Wario was stuffing his face with popcorn. "Alright, this is almost as good as prime time!"

A matter of minutes later, the gang, who was rather too large to be safely hiding anywhere convincingly, was hunched behind a bus stop overlooking a small cliff edge.
"Now remember, zombies can't feel a thing, so no mercy," Yoshi instructed.
"A-are you sure about that?" Peach asked.
Waluigi shrugged. "Who cares? This is finally my chance to beat up a zombie!" He pulled a baseball bat out of nowhere.
Luigi gasped and stood up. "Never mind, I can't do this!"
"Luigi!" Yoshi hissed. "It's the only way!"
Luigi hugged himself tightly and shook his head stubbornly. "I can't stand there and watch you do horrible things to Mario!"
"No one ever said 'horrible things'," Yoshi said. "It's just... well, y'know. Pain."
"Get down!" Daisy hissed, yanking him back to ground level. "There he is!"
The gang waited with bated breath as the slow, dragging figure of the zombie passed by, panting loudly. In the washed-out streetlight nearby, it looked more like an otherworldly monster than a person.
Wario grimaced. "Look at 'im," he whispered. "It's like if the garbage dumpster and the swamp out back had a baby. It's disgusting!"
"...That would be my brother," Luigi said sternly, shuddering even as he said it.
But apparently the zombie had good hearing, because suddenly it turned back as if it had gotten a doctorate in jump scares. When it seemed to fix its sickly blank eyes on them, they screamed.
"NOW!! Pile on, everyone!!" Yoshi commanded.
All at once everyone lunged like a maniac. The street was suddenly filled with the sounds of frantic struggling, pained yelping and heads hitting concrete.
"Is it working??" Wario asked, clearly enjoying himself as he yanked the zombie's arm, which happened to be wrapped with mummy-like bandages.
"What now??" Daisy grunted, struggling to keep the zombie in a chokehold.
"Ooh, lights out! It'll be easier to carry him that way. Let me!" Waluigi said, lifting his baseball bat.
But before anyone could object or agree, Yoshi suddenly pointed. "Look out! We're going over the—!"
Cliff.
It wasn't a huge cliff, mind you. Just the kind that usually leaves you with a bad concussion or broken rib if you fall over.
Well, they succeeded in getting the zombie.
They didn't succeed in anything else.
There was a huge, nasty THUMP as they all went over.

With a groan, Luigi eased open his eyes to meet a blinding white ceiling.
Sitting up a minute later, he found himself in a familiar hospital lobby, lying across a bench with a cold pack over his head.
"Wh-What?" he asked. "What happened?"
Daisy looked up from the other side of the room. "Oh, Luigi, you're awake! Thank goodness!"
She rushed over to him. "Peach and I found you out cold in your yard this morning! We brought you here to see if you were okay, but the doctor said you just seemed to have fainted for some unknown shock."
Huh?? Frowning, Luigi stood up. "B-But— what about— where's Mario??" he demanded.
"He's in the room there," Daisy said. "You can see him now if you want. That's why we came after all."
What...? Catching his breath, Luigi bolted straight upright and darted into the nearest hospital room with the door open. A couple of heavily-dressed toads were scrubbing some questionable substance from the floor beneath an empty bed.
Luigi blinked. "Sorry, wrong room," he said. Quickly he ran out and into the one next door.
And sure enough, sitting there in the seat by the window, pale-faced but not terribly so, was a rather alive-looking Mario. His arm was thoroughly wrapped in a cast that extended from his upper arm to his wrist.
That was all, though.
Looking up in innocent alarm, he turned and saw Luigi with vibrant blue eyes that were very normal.
"Well look who lasted the night," he remarked.
At this Luigi stopped just as he was about to step through the doorway. "...What do you mean, lasted the night?" he asked.
He hoped Mario couldn't see him shaking in genuine fear. There was no greenish skin, no horribly destroyed figure... What's going on? What happened to everyone and the storm and...
Luigi finally came forward, confusion apparent on his face.
Mario snickered, then turned to gaze back out the window. "I heard you passed out or something. Real smooth, Luigi."
Familiar irritation rising, Luigi stood over him and crossed his arms. "For your information last night was not a swell time."
"Well, that makes two of us," Mario replied indifferently.
Luigi tried to say something but lost the nerve. Just as he was about to open his mouth, the toad doctor walked in.
"Ah, hello there Luigi! I was just on my way to let you know that he's good to go home. We've got the bones set and with a few good weeks' rest he should be up to code."
Luigi widened his eyes and rushed forward. "Doctor, uh... what exactly happened?"
"Well, he fractured it in three different places," the toad said, looking at a clipboard. "We took all evening to repair it. I applied a powerful muscle relaxant for the pain afterwards," he explained like some genius, "but it will probably wear off at some point."
Luigi shook his head. "No no, that's not what I... Where was he last night??"
"Uhh... here, of course. He was under heavy anesthesia for at least several hours after the surgery. He only woke late this morning."
Luigi stared at him like there was a booger in his nonexistent nose. "B-But... didn't you tell us that the infection was going to his brain?"
"Oh," the doctor chuckled. "That. Yes, our intern Joey told you that. He was erroneously referring to another patient we had here. It was, uh, a mistake."
Luigi blinked, disbelieving. Slowly, he turned back to look at Mario, sitting impatiently by the window. "This thing itches like sandpaper underpants," he announced loudly.
Luigi laughed nervously and returned to his side. "Uh, Mario..."
"Yeah, What?"
Luigi shook his head in bewilderment. "Uh, did you... were you, like...
"Luigi," Mario said in irritation. "They haven't fed me for like a day. Let's get, huh?"
"B-But... Mario, last night... I thought... I mean, I saw...
Mario, fed up with the speechlessness, slapped him across the face with his good arm. "Just take me home, will you? I wanna finish my cream pie."
Luigi stopped, finally meeting his eyes in stunned surprise. Slowly, a relenting smile returned to his face.
"Oh, Mario," he cried, grabbing him in a big hug that nearly crushed his arm. "I'm so glad you're back."

Later that week, the Mushroom Gazette published their weekly news. Mario and Luigi didn't read that newspaper, so nothing much came of it, but it came to my attention and I thought you might like to know. Across the front headline for that week was a new curious story about rumored strange noises in Toad Town one night, and over that in bold letters:

ZOMBIE SIGHTING IN TOAD TOWN? LOCAL RESIDENTS' CLAIM SPARKS CONTROVERSY AFTER STRANGE CREATURE SPOTTED LURKING AROUND STREET CORNERS FRIDAY NIGHT

~

And so they say.

Did the doctor overlook something? Could Luigi have merely dreamt of zombie schemes? You will have to decide that for yourself. In any case, the residents of Toad Town were happy enough never to speak of it again, except insofar as it is regarded as a folk tale... and as long as Joey would like to keep his job.

Until our next chance meeting, pray that Mario should take better care of his bones, and I would advise you to do the same... for you never know what happens behind those white doors.