Slenderman: I once quoted a Vine in front of Ben

Slenderman: no one will ever believe him and now he lives in fear of my supposed knowledge of the internet

Slenderman: it’s delightful

...

Liu: you could have gotten yourself killed

Jeff: but… I didn’t ?

...

Jeff: did anyone tell you how beautiful you look today?

Jane: no

Jeff: oh

Jane:

Jeff:

Jeff: better luck tomorrow

...

Barista: and a name for the order?

Liu: Liu with an i

Barista: okay got it

Liu: *gets drink*

Liu: *sees name*

Liu: WHO THE FUCK IS IOU

...

Jeff: *traps bee under cup*

Ben: *comes and sets down 2 more cups*

Jeff: please not again

Ben: *starts shuffling*

...

Toby: I say more dumb things before 9am than most people say all day

...

Jeff: when a dog sleeps all day it’s cute

Jeff: but when I do it I’m “clinically depressed” and need “help”

...

Lyra: the neighbors’ kids challenged us to a water fight

Toby: I’m in

Toby: just waiting for the water to boil

Lyra: what

...

Brian: if you kill a killer, the number of killers in the world stays the same

Jeff: just kill two???

...

Jeff: hey girl, are you colorblind? Because you’re ignoring all my red flags

...

Jeff: I substituted all of my social skills with physical violence

...

Jane: I never caught your name

Toby: I didn’t throw it

...

Jeff: I think I might be gayer than originally intended

...

Jane: I never considered you a rival

Jeff: I never considered you at all

Jane: now that’s just hurtful

...

Jeff: when have I ever done something stupid or irresponsible?

Liu: do you want the list in chronological or alphabetical order?

...

Jeff: I’m not good with apologies so unfuck you I guess

...

Toby, coming in and closing the door: we have a problem

Tim: which is?

Toby: *opens door to let in seven ducklings*

Toby: they imprinted on me

Tim: you have to get rid of them

Toby: NEVER. I’m a MOM now, Tim

...

Toby: *eats cinnamon roll*

Natalie: cannibalism

...

Jeff: you’re my brother and my best friend, I’d do anything for you

Liu: I want you to eat three meals a day and have a decent sleep schedule

Jeff: absolutely not

...

Tim: I get nervous when Brian compliments me. Sometimes I don’t know what to say

Brian: you look really nice today

Tim, panicking: happy birthday-

...

Tim, driving: you know what’s funny

Tim: I have complete control over our lives right now

Toby: anyway-

Toby:

Toby: why would you say that?

...

Jeff: swear words are illegal now. If you say one you’ll be fined

Toby: heck

Jeff: you’re on thin fucking ice

Jeff: oh no

...

Jane: you need to stop blaming everyone else for your problems

Jane: so pick one person that you really hate and blame everything on them

Jane: I picked Jeff

...

Toby: I’m well aware that I’ve accidentally set myself on fire and it’s none of your business. I don’t need your pity water either. Let me burn in peace

...

Slenderman: alright so we’re gonna put everything we hate in the box

Jeff: can I put Jane in the box?

Slenderman: no

Liu: put Jane in the box

Slenderman: no

Toby: I vote for Jane to go in the box

Slenderman: no one’s putting Jane in the box!

...

Liu: can you do me a favor?

Jeff: I would literally cover up a murder you committed, plant my DNA at the crime scene, and take the blame for you

Liu: okay cool, can you do the dishes?

Jeff: no

...

LJ: I poisoned one of the glasses but I don’t remember which one

Jeff: with the way this dinner is going, I hope it’s mine

...

Jeff: who the fuck

Brian: language!

Jeff: whomst the sexual intercourse

...

Jeff: *throwing his controller* dammit, I lost again!

Sally:

Sally: do you want me to leave so you can say bad words?

Jeff: yes that’d be great

...

Slenderman: I hope you have a good explanation for this

Jeff: we have three

Liu: pick your favorite

...

Jeff: do you ever just-

Toby: no

Ben: no

Jeff: literally fuck both of you. I’m moving out and I’m never talking to you again. Bye

...