Note: Critiquer = Not a word. It's what I call people who give critiques to other people on online writing websites like Wattpad ;)

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Receiving Harsh Critiques is Hard

Receiving harsh critiques is hard for anyone because it includes the bad and the ugly.

The first time I ever received a harsh critique, I felt so immediately defensive about the "negative" critique and wanted to explain why I did the things I did, and I didn't want to change what I wrote.

I'm practically perfect in every way (Mary Poppins), humph!

And sometimes I used to think these other people are as much a novice as I am. Why do I need to listen to them? UGH, so annoying!

But then, things changed for me when I started critiquing people. I found out what it was like on the other side. I came across many responses toward me or other critiquers. Your defensive feelings are valid, however...

Now, below are responses which are close to reality. Nothing is word for word, however, I have received and seen these types around.

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How You Should Not Respond

"Oh SOBBING I will never write again."

"You made me feel horrible about myself."

"I'm going to explain why I wrote the scene like that, what it has to do with the story, talk about all the lore, and the beginning of the universe."

"Don't tell me what to do. Why is EVERYONE attacking me and my characters???"

"You're too harsh. Can you fix your response?"

"Thank you, but I'm not going to change it."

"Thank you, but you're wrong. That's not how it's like at all [goes on to explaining]"

"You're just telling me to change it because you don't like it. Well, that's YOUR opinion and not how the story is supposed to be at all."

"Write your own story!"

"It's supposed to be like that. I'm not going to change it no matter what you say."

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Did you see yourself in any of these? Did you grimace? Have you soured your relations with a critiquer with these responses? If you are guilty, it's time to change.

You can do it! :D

I learned there are two good ways to respond to critiques when you get ones you don't like, but you still want to keep good relations with your critiquer. I'll share these two methods with you, so you don't have to figure them out yourself :)

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How You Can Respond

THANK YOU AND MOVE ON METHOD

Let's say you read an extremely lengthy critique telling you why you should not have a character look into a mirror to describe themselves. Oh, you are so annoyed because the mirror scene is cliche, yes, but it works in your story.

You immediately want to shut this person down. You immediately want to explain why they are wrong, and you are right, and they should not be talking to you in this way.

Come here, take a deep breath, and let me tell you to flip roles for second.

Imagine this: You are the critiquer. You have just read someone's work and critiqued it. You feel like you did everything you could to help them.

Then the writer claps back at you with one of the above responses. Go read them again as if someone is saying them to you after you took time out of your day to read and critique their work.

Don't you think it hurts? You tried so hard to help, and this is what they say? They could at least say "thank you" right?

There it is. Your response. Thank you.

Flipping the roles back to you as the writer receiving critique, if someone has taken the time out of their day to critique your work, say "thank you".

It will keep a good relationship with you and the critiquer. 

Not to say you should not be angry. You can feel annoyed and angry and defensive. Totally valid to feel those things. Don't tell the critiquer though. There's no point in explaining your reasoning to them either. Why waste your time on negative stuff?

Say "Thank you" or "Thank you for your feedback, I will consider it in my revision." or "Thanks for the critique!" or "Thanks for letting me know!" (You can use these and variations of these.)

And then you know what you do? You move on. Critiquers know that you may or may not take their critique and make all the changes. Just move on. No more talk. Thank them and move on.

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THANK YOU, BE NICE, AND ENGAGE METHOD

Don't bite, in other words.

There is a way to be thankful and also defend. 

Okay. Listen, I mean, read carefully.

It's going to be hard to do this method because you have to swallow your pride, kick your ego out of the door, and tell yourself you're not perfect, and you're not going to be Mary Poppins.

Let's use that mirror cliche example. You believe it is justified. You have every reason to believe that this mirror scene is absolutely necessary in your story.

HOWEVER, you also know it is cliche. 

Shove your pride away. 

(Made a rhyme today :P ) 

Maybe you don't agree with everything the critiquer says, but you can say you agree with some of it.

So, you have already said THANK YOU, and now you want to defend. You want to keep the scene and you want to tell the critiquer you want to keep it. You feel like you can talk relatively nicely to them.

Here is where you can be nice and engage.

"Thank you for the feedback. Yeah, I know it's cliche. There's a scene that comes up later in the story where it makes sense for the mirror scene to happen [Note: don't explain any details unless the critiquer asks for them later on]. Do you think I should change it or you think it would be okay to have it for this story? I could word it differently? What do you think I could do?"

Sneaky thing here: This is not to say that you actually would change it. You don't have to change anything if you don't want to. In the end, it is your story. Do whatever you want with it. The critiquer understands this as well.

This is my opinion: I think, if you can, it's good to show the critiquer you want to engage with them. You are not just thanking them but also showing you value their opinions. This keeps good relations between you and the critiquer.

Now, what you don't want to do here is say "but". 

"I know, but" or "I understand what you're saying, but" or "Thank you for pointing that out, but".

"but" completely negates all the stuff you said before.

So, instead of saying, "I know it's cliche BUT there's a scene that comes up later", you say, "I know it's cliche. There's a scene that comes up later..."

You see that without the "but" your words sound less defensive. You are still pushing back a little bit and the critiquer will see that. That's okay. They understand you want to keep your scenes.

Also, it's good to show that you did think about what they said. You didn't immediately jump into defensive mode. That's why you might offer things on your end. 

"could I word it differently?" or "maybe I could do without this part or that part?" or "I might be able to make it sound more like this or that". When you do this, it shows the critiquer you are serious about improving.

Critiquers critique because they want to help you. Even if they sound harsh, in the end, they are trying to help. If you show them you are trying hard to become better, it will keep good relations between you and the critiquer.

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The two methods are ultimately to keep good relations with the critiquer. Respond to them how you would want others to respond to you. Acknowledge them by saying some form of thank you AT LEAST. And, no "but"s. 

It's going to be hard at first and your pride and ego will come out to play, but you'll eventually get used to shoving them behind a door. I believe in you! :D