Athena Wolfborn by _ag926_

This book began with a brilliant prologue that sucked me right in. The ending of that chapter was mysterious and unexpected, just what I like.

One thing. Commas before ands. I'll try to explain what I mean here.

Commas come before ands when the sentence that comes after the and can make sense on its own.

E.g. I went to the shops, saw some bananas, and I bought them.

You see? Same thing happens with buts. I found various places in the story where this didn't happen, but it's not a very big deal. It's just if you want to make your story even more precise.

Thoughts should be in italics.

You had many half paragraph breaks (I'm not quite sure how to explain it). This was where you didn't skip a line, but just went down to the next one. It looked a bit messy but is an easy fix.

I found there was a bit of contrast in the tone of writing. For the main part of the chapters I read, you were keeping the tone quite formal and serious, but occasionally you would slip into colloquial language, which looked a little out of place. For example, in places where you said "a bit", I think "a while" would have sounded nicer. Just a thing to keep in mind. Stick to one style throughout.

Numbers spelled out look more formal.

There were quite a few contractions that had no apostrophe like dont and cant. Fix those up, and your writing will appear a lot cleaner.

You should put a capital after an ellipsis if you want a new sentence.

Dialogue formatting was a bit off.

With this story, I think it's just a matter of going through it and proofreading. Take on board some of my comments to start with and then work from there.

I liked the contrast in the character of the father. It gave him real depth, which is hard to do so well done. :)

I also liked Athena. I thought she was bad-ass but not overly so. Most writers you see out there make their characters so flawless that they seem to be made out of cardboard. You could see that Athena had flaws, which was good.

Overall, a brilliant story that was very engaging. Nothing wrong with the plot as far as I can see. Just grammar things which should be an easy fix.

Please remember that this is a critique, NOT a criticism. Please spread the word!

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