The Queen of Loregams by @KailinneKaze

As requested, I will be critiquing the blurb as well as the 3 chapters.

The blurb:

You had strange half paragraph breaks (I don't really know what to call them). They made the layout quite difficult to work with. I would recommend skipping a line each time to make the format more clear.

Some corrections:

There, she grows*

16, and the past are*

"memories of her past is striking her gifting nightmares". This makes no sense. Are her nightmares a gift? Is her past haunting her? Change this to make it clearer as the blurb is the first thing the reader sees after all.

Is, she travels with her friends*

Is not at all pleasing*

Worse, Saske, a lion, comes*

Revenge* "against her" is not needed.

At nothing to see her head*

The actual book:

Many it's/its problems. I commented about this which I hope was of some use to you.

You NEED commas to split clauses!!

You had many silly errors where I could tell you'd forgotten to delete something from where you'd copied and pasted it before.

Dialogue was formatted wrongly. Again, look up how to do this or refer to other critiques where I've explained this to other people.

You had some repititions of words and some places where the word choices could have been better.

Plural agreement=big problem.

Watch out for those tense jumps! Stick to the past these the whole way through!!

I liked in the first chapter where you had good historical context and background of the Queen. I thought that worked really well. And I loved the ending of that part too (with the "naaraaaa" bit).

Keep the capitalisation of Queen consistent.

Chapters were sluggishly long.

In the first chapter I liked the line about the baby going down and the sun going up. I thought that was really clever and well thought out.

Elipsises need three dots.

Overall, a good start. I'm not sure where the plot is leading to though.

Please remember that this is a critique, NOT a criticism. Please spread the word!

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