Alpha by @Chasepolicedog126

Numbers spelled look more formal.

There were times when you had a subordinate clause but you didn't finish it so it didn't make sense. Like this:

As I went into the shop.

This would only work if it was dialogue - as in a response to a question. But it wouldnt work on its own.

You had some wrong verb choices like "we gone our separate ways".

Loads of tense jumps! Try to keep it all in the same tense. Don't worry - it's a common mistake though.

You need paragraph breaks in some places otherwise it all looks like one big block of text.

I thought the chapter lengths were good. It was enough to give us the information we needed but not too long that it was a bore.

I found you had fairly unnecessary dialogue. You shouldn't need to get every character to say hello and ask how their days were. Dialogue should be relevant to the story and not there to fill in spaces.

You don't need a full stop after another punctuation mark in dialogue. Like:

"Hello?" Linda whispered down the phone.

Not!

"Hello?." Linda whispered down the phone.

You used 'kinda' a lot. I think you'd benefit more without colloquial language.

A new speaker needs a new line.

I found the plot of the story to be very similar to the hunger games (hell - even the names were similar!) Also, I was a little unclear of Cato's age.

I also think you needed more of an explanation and back story to the dystopian world and to the main character.

Overall, an okay attempt. More description would have been nice.

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