FULL BOOK REVIEW
One Summer by @freedomgirl007
CHAPTERS 1-3

The beginning wasn't very intriguing for me. Since this is an action book I really think you should start in media res (in the middle of the action). So like when she's breaking into the school. And then you can have background information afterwards.

You don't need a capital after a semi colon. A semi colon is only used when you want to separate two sentences that are closely linked in topic.

Tense jumps were a HUGE problem. You started your story in the past tense and would jump to present all the time. Go through and make sure everything sticks to one tense.

With dialogue, you need a comma before the dialogue tag, and the tag itself needs to be in a lower case.

More description would have been nice instead of pictures. I think describing the car could have enhanced the writing a lot more.

Thoughts in italics and no speech marks.

Commas before names.

There was a lot of colloquial language used. I get that you want to engage with the reader but most of the time it just made the writing clunky.

Numbers spelled look more formal.

You need asterisks to mark changes in time.

The plot was relatively cliché, to be perfectly honest.

You need commas to separate clauses.

There was a good sense of realism between Dakota and her siblings. I liked the rivalry. I do think she was a bit too truthful with her parents. It didn't seem real because it didn't fit with her bad-ass personality. I'd expect her to at least lie a little. If this isn't what you intended then I would recommend looking at the main character from a new angle and re establishing her.

Prepositions were sometimes not right (like 'get up Facebook.' I would say load up Facebook).

Likewise with the character situation with Dakota, her parents were being too dramatic with that whole bible and public school speech. If you want to keep it this way then you at least need Dakota to acknowledge that they're being too over dramatic.

Overall, an okay attempt. Please don't be disheartened by any of my comments. Since I'm doing a full book review for you I want to be as brutally honest as possible. This was quite a brutal review but I promise it's nothing personal. I just want to really delve into this so you get the most out of it.

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CHAPTERS 4-7

Basically the same as before. For dialogue you NEED commas and YOU NEED LOWER CASES.

Not that many tense jumps this time!

Please please please please go through and proof read. I know you're going to edit but make sure you go through absolutely everything since you had many consistent mistakes.

Anything to do with flashbacks should be in italics.

The whole plot change about them moving was too sudden and unrealistic. In real life, parents wouldn't have done that and even if they did, Dakota would be terribly suspicious.

More description please!

CHAPTERS 8-9

Like before, more description will really help.

You've got colloquial language that kind of ruins the mood.

Commas to separate clauses.

Numbers look better when spelled out.

A great cliffhanger at the end of chapter 8. There were also very minimal tense jumps in this so well done!

Blonde=female

Blond=male

Some mistakes in spelling like bare instead of bear.

CHAPTERS 10-14

Not too much to say about this mainly because the mistakes are so consistent that I've already written them down here for the earlier chapters.

After a comma you DO NOT NEED A CAPITAL!!!!

Basic grammar was a bit off.

Great plot twist though. You're really getting somewhere.

No speech mark needed with thoughts.

I didn't manage to comment on every mistake about these points though so make sure you go through the whole chapters and not just the comments that I pointed out^^

You need more tension in the scenes like the break in. It read as a bit weak.

And Dakota needs to FEEL more. So far she's been a sack of unfeeling potatoes and the reader couldn't really care less about what happens. She needs to interact with her surroundings more and we need to really get in her head.

CHAPTERS 15-16

Same things as before. I didn't mark as many up since you'll be very used to the process by now.

Alex and Dakota were too quick to decide that they wanted the jobs. I would at least have a long paragraph of Dakota thinking to herself about the pros and cons of the job because let's face it: in reality that wouldn't happen so quickly.

I think it was in that same chapter where you mentioned Dakota and Hailey were 'talking for two hours about our lives'. I think this is the perfect chance for us to learn more about Hailey. And don't specify that bluntly that it was two hours. Incorporate it into the writing somehow.

CHAPTERS 17-20

It was a little confusing when Dakota said yes to the party when she has a meeting the next day. I know later on you mentioned it but I think in that moment when she's saying to the girls you need to make her aware that she has a meeting the next day.

After a comparative you need 'than' instead of 'then'.

Brief spelling errors but I commented on them for you.

The texts to Alex should be italics, I think.

I would expect the girls to be a lot meaner since that's what Dakota made them out to be for the reader. So far they seem really friendly which as a bit of a disappointment as you could have really high tensions between all of them.

The description of the party was funny and unexpected, which made it even funnier in a way. :)

There was a good general intrigue as to what the meeting will be about - you got my hopes up.

Anothet plot thing. Shouldn't Kelly and the girls be more surprised when Alex turns up?

CHAPTERS 21-23

Occasional tense jumps and relatively stupid mistakes like missing out basic grammar.

You need asterisks for a change of time.

Alex seems to be the only logical one of the group so far XD

You need to be careful of where you put emphasis on words. And use italics instead of capitals.

CHAPTERS 24-26

France=country
French=language

You do not speak France in France.

Basically the same things as before (no capitals after commas etc)

You need to dramatise certain things (like have Fred suddenly burst out things because his life is on the line. Make things dramatic. The reader will love it).

They're/their/there

Like before, the texts should be in italics.

The plot is coming along nicely though and there was a surprising plot twist.

CHAPTERS 27-29

Good development with the character of Hailey. I liked her sudden outburst of anger and how she put the others in their place.

You had unnecessary paragraph breaks littering in places.

I would have them say I love you after the kiss but I mean it's your book so your rules. I'm only saying it because confessing their love so suddenly seemed a bit weird.

CHAPTERS 30-32

If you have an adjective or a noun followed by a gerund, you need a hyphen in between them. Like musty-smelling.

Great plot twist with Hailey's parents! That was a shock.

Great suspense and this has really escalated quickly. I like how the four are trying to figure things out and many questions have been raised.

CHAPTERS 33-36

The beginning of 33 was really interesting. It certainly drew the reader in.

Clever plot twist with the bomb.

I'd add more description about the bomb exploding. This will add more excitement.

Like before, keep this story in the past tense.

You need commas to separate clauses.

It's weird how Dakota can suddenly piece together everything. If she somehow did work it out, you need to let the reader know this.

CHAPTERS 37-38

Questions need question marks.

Same things as before but I picked out a few more examples to remind you.

You need more description of the leader because I can't picture him at the moment.

When describing an action you don't need asterisks.

CHAPTERS 39-41

Dialogue seemed silly and almost comical.

Great cliffhanger at the end of 39.

Thoughts don't need speech marks.

All other comments above for other chapters apply ^

CHAPTERS 42-END

All of the doors that they go through seem to magically open :)

There was a good part where the dad interrupted Dakota with the part about the police.

Well done for writing this! It's taken me a long time to review but now you should have all of the main and relevant points to do with the story. Good luck!

Remember that this is a critique, NOT a criticism. Please spread the word!

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