Next two days were a blur of classrooms and tests and people ordering him around for their choice of coffee but Kian was merely existing as a robot.

He was living in his head the whole time.

A part of him bounced between feeling guilty for sleeping with Chris and later showing his back to him, to feeling sick for falling into a haze of weed and liquor, to feeling the need to be with Enzo. He wanted to call him or meet him. He wanted to apologize for the kiss. The first one and the second one. He wanted to tell Enzo everything, about crushing on him since seventh grade, spill his guts and lift that weight off his chest.

But he couldn't. He knew he could never be that brave. Enzo probably knew it already. After all, Kian kissed him twice and both times Enzo looked at him as if Kian was a stranger and not his best friend.

Indeed, Kian was a stranger to his own feelings.

He kept his phone turned off for most part of the day, during classes, at work and even at night, wondering if Enzo tried calling him in those hours or if he had finally severed the ties with him for good. Either way, Kian kept all those raging emotions and thoughts within his heart, all because he wasn't ready to face Enzo again, maybe ever. Like undelivered letters, he wanted to stay within the pages of his journals.

At night when he finally collapsed on his bed, memories of his meeting with Enzo reeled in his mind: the feel of his breath tickling Kian's neck, his own hands closing around Enzo's waist, the feel of his abs flexing under his touch, the way they shared the same joint, the soul crushing kiss. And every single time he woke up hard and had to rub one out. And it never felt enough. Not even close.

It was so wrong. It was so hopeless. It was so pathetic. But Kian had no idea how to tackle the messy knots of emotions and feelings in his life.

In moments like these, when his mind fogged with dark clouds of hopelessness, he would stare at the ceiling for hours. Pulling the comforter to his chin he would watch the glow stickers which he and Audrey put there and would travel in the past.

When he was a kid, his father used to put them in his room, the stars, the moon, the galaxies and when they faded, his father would replace them, so they always glowed.

Memories of his father only brought him more pain. He wondered if his father still remembered those mundane things. When did he become such a disappointment for everyone? Was it the day he found himself?

***

"You kissed him again?" Audrey gasped. Her big brown eyes widened and glowed with romantic fervor. "That's so hot. Wow" She smiled cheekily.

"Can you not announce it to the entire college?" Kian said annoyed. "It's not hot. It's a mess."

"A hot mess, indeed." Audrey fanned her face and batted her eyes. Yet, again she was loud.

"Keep your voice down!" Kian looked around with a paranoid fervor. The fact that he fantasized over a straight guy was exactly the punk someone would be interested in circulating around the campus, making him a laughing stock. But to his relief no one in the bleachers was paying attention to Audrey and Kian. The football tryouts were definitely much more interesting than his catastrophe life.

"What would've happened if you hadn't panicked and ran away?" She shoved a handful of popcorn in her mouth and chewed. "I can't believe you fled after kissing him." She shook her head in disbelief.

What else he should've done?

He didn't want to think about the aftermath because he wasn't brave enough to face the fact that Enzo would've regretted ever coming back to Kian. In all honesty, Enzo should've never reached out to Kian. "What else was I supposed to do? I messed up our one chance at being friends again. I honestly don't know what's wrong with me."

Audrey turned towards him and grinned. "The way I see it. It wasn't Enzo who fled this time. He didn't kick your balls or called you a pervert. I think it's a sign."

Kian gaped at her. "What are you even talking about?"

"That Enzo might not be so repulsed with the kiss, after all."

Kian released a dry chuckle, almost mocking himself. "Now you're making fun of my situation."

Audrey shook her head immediately. "No. I'm not. Just think about it, Kay."

"There's nothing to think about. Enzo is straight. And he didn't react to my kiss because he never saw that coming. You should've seen how shocked he was. That's why I fled." Kian groaned looking away. He didn't want to replay the scene again in his head only to get tingles of both shame and want.

Audrey sighed and took her orange soda in both hands, weighing his words.

She was the only person who knew about Enzo and also the only person Kian could possibly talk to about him. God knew, if any of his basketball friends heard a word they would make it a common joke to pick up in every get together.

Audrey looked thoughtful. "Are you sure about Enzo being 100% straight?"

Kian nearly choked on his mint soda. "What?"

"Have you ever considered he might be a little gay for you?"

Kian grunted. "Please for the love of God, stop reading so many romance novels. None of your words are making any sense."

"It won't make sense until you talk openly about it with Enzo. Personally? I think you should've talked about it the first time you kissed him." Audrey sighed, patting his back. "Just stop running away from each other."

"Why do you sound like my mother?" Kian raked a hand through his hair and huffed at her.

She simply rolled her eyes and wrapped her glossy lips around the straw. Her eyes sparkled taking in the sweaty athletes on the field. She never missed a chance to watch the guys of their college play football.

Speaking of football, Kian's eyes collided with the captain of their team for a fraction of a second and his cheeks flamed. Christopher Harris in athletic shorts and football jersey was definitely a sight to behold. The way he flashed a small smile his way and joined his team as the game continued, made Kian's stomach knot with guilt again.

"And I slept with Chris," Kian looked down at his shoes. Suddenly his adidas shoes appeared much more interesting than they looked when he bought them.

"You slept with Christopher Harris?" Audrey gasped then she said it again. "You fucking slept with Christopher Harris."

And definitely this time her tone grabbed attention. A couple of faces turned their way and Kian could only give them a blank face.

"That's it. I'm never sharing anything with you ever again." Kian gritted out a growly response, stood up and rushed out of the bleachers. His life itself was a tryout and every time he saw Chris on the ground, an ugly feeling rushed down his throat. Chris could have been his one fair chance at romance but Kian lost him.

And all because of his ever-lasting crush on his best friend who also happened to be a super non-gay guy. Not even a slightest bit.

***

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