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Kyle

I feel like a piece of shit. The worst kind. The kind you excrete after a day at an all-you-can-eat buffet.

The wind bites against my face and my nose is runny. I tug at the sleeve of my hoodie and wipe my nose with it before cringing at how gross I am. Everything about me screams pathetic and disgusting. I've never felt more like a deadweight before. Although the feeling of being useless has stuck with me throughout my life, I've never hated myself more.

More than I do today, after seeing how much Anna hates me.

I mean, okay, I kind of deserve it. After what I did to her, throwing away everything we had for nothing -- at least from her view -- of course she'd hate me. Who wouldn't hate me?

Looking on both sides from under my hood, I duck under the shade. I've spent most of my day walking without a destination in mind. Now that it's dark again, I need to find a payphone so I can reach out to someone. I have a couple of people on my mind who might be able to help me, a few numbers I remember off the top of my head. My minuscule amount of remaining self-respect reprimands me for being so selfish. My grumbling stomach, however, doesn't give a shit. I need food and I need a place to stay, even if I have to backstab a friend to get it.

Wouldn't be the first time I take advantage of someone.

The dial tone ends and I hang up the payphone, huffing an angry breath. I'm not sure what to do anymore, with no one answering. I've even wasted my few pennies and have nothing left. What I could have bought is also not an option anymore.

Talk about having no one in a time of need.

I walk through the cold Pittsburgh streets, hands buried in my pockets and head bowed low. My legs feel weak and I feel light-headed. I pull my hands out of my pockets to look at them. They're trembling, and I clench them into fists. I tell myself it's just the cold, but the shivers running through my body say otherwise.

I need a fix and I need it fast.

Desperate, I duck into the nearest grocery store. My body needs too many things right now but I tell myself food will work. I don't have enough change in my pocket to buy me anything, though. So when I find an empty aisle, I look both ways before grabbing the nearest box and stuffing it under my hoodie. I don't check to see what flavor of cereal it is or how much it costs. I'm not ready to pay for it anyway, and considering I couldn't afford to pay even if I tried, this is my best shot at getting something into my empty stomach.

I glance towards the counter to make sure nobody's paying me any mind. That's when I see the cashier, a young girl probably in high school. She's got her earphones deep in her ears and hums along to whatever pop tune she's moving to. The grocery store is pretty empty, and I contemplate my options. How much can I get away with?

Looking around, I catch sight of a CCTV camera in a corner. My heart drops; jail is the last place I can handle right now.

I turn away from the camera and pull the box of cereal out from under my hoodie. My only other option is to somehow get the cashier to go along with this. She's young and looks naive, and if I play my cards right, I can probably get something out of this visit to the store.

I grab a trolley and put a few items in, some canned ham, some chips. The freezer in the middle of the store is stocked with ready-made dinners, boxed and frozen. I check the price tag on one of them and put them in my groceries. I know I have to do this carefully. More than a couple of dollars and it won't work.

Looking into the glass window as I walk, I run a hand through my hair and ruffle it up. My clothes are relatively clean, for which I'm grateful. I can't be looking like a homeless person and get away with what I'm about to do.

When I push my cart to the counter, the girl pulls out her earbuds and smiles at me. Blush creeps up her cheeks when I smile at her, drawing slowly closer.

"Hi," I start off simple.

"Hi." She giggles, forcing her earphone cord into the pocket of her jacket.

I smile, knowing she couldn't be more than fifteen or sixteen. Going by that, I'm almost certain she's not the one in charge here. A hasty guessing game leads me to assume that whoever is supervising her will be around, which gives me lesser time than I'd anticipated.

Smiling, I grab my shopping out of the card and put it onto the counter. The girl scans my items, glancing at me every two seconds. I glance at her and meet her gaze when she looks at me, causing her to blush a deeper crimson.

Yes, definitely young.

"How much?" I ask, putting a hand in my pocket.

"That'll be three seventy-five," she says.

I know I don't have nearly that much, but when I put my hand inside my pocket, I know just how to gasp and the expression I need to make when I tell my first lie of the day.

"Fuck, I think I forgot my wallet."

The girl's mouth opens in surprise and she looks down at my empty hand as I clench it close to hide the tremors. I chuckle, close my eyes, bow my head and then shake it.

"I'm so stupid," I mumble.

"Oh, no, it happens to everyone," the girl says, catching the bait.

I give her a sheepish smile, grimacing guiltily.

"They're gonna laugh at me for it, though."

"Who?" Her eyes widen.

"My friends. They're waiting outside." Lie number two goes flawlessly.

"Oh."

"I'll look so dumb walking up to them and asking them for a couple of dollars."

I laugh and shake my head again. She smiles, and I know she's falling for it.

"Guess I'll go tell them I'm broke." I shrug.

Three.

Two.

One.

"Or you could take these and pay it back later?"

"Oh no no, I couldn't." I wave a hand.

"Really. It's just three dollars."

"And seventy-five cents." I grin.

She bites her lower lip. "It's not a big deal."

Check and mate.

"Are you sure?" I ask, widening my eyes so I can really seal that deal. "I wouldn't want you to get in trouble."

"It's no trouble." She's already stuffing my shopping into a bag and pushing it towards me as she cancels my checkout bill. 

"I promise I'll pay you back," I lie some more. "You work here every night, um ...?"

"Bailey. And yeah."

I give her the sweetest smile. "I'll be here tomorrow first thing," I say, knowing full-well I'm never going to see her again. I make sure not to con the same person twice.

"I'll be waiting." She tucks her hair behind the ear.

I grab the bag and pull it off the counter so it swings at my side.

"It was lovely meeting you, Bailey."

I turn away after one last smile, walking out of the store without giving myself away. It isn't until I've walked half a block that I find an empty bus station and sit on one of the waiting benches that I pull out my conned food and start to eat. Honestly, at this point, I don't even care that I need to microwave the food to eat it. Frozen or not frozen, I can't take another step without something in my system.

It tastes horrendous, partly because it's only semi-cooked and mostly because my body isn't in a normal state. It's craving so much more than food and it's starting to become unbearable. The tremors are worse than they were a couple of hours ago, and my vision starts to get blurry. Blood pounds in my ears, deafening me to the nearby traffic.

I need to find shelter. There's no way I'm passing out on the street and getting taken to a hospital.

Eating as much as I can manage, I begin to walk again. I know a few places in the city where I can probably get things other than food, and I finally make it to one. I'm so dizzy I can barely stand straight, and that's when I find a homeless man huddled in an alleyway. He's clearly not sober and that's exactly what I need. 

I watch him from behind the wall, shrouded in shadows as I clutch the grocery bag in my hand as if it's the only thing keeping me alive. Focusing on something outside my body roots me, a welcome distraction from the wear and tear taking place inside my system. I stare at the homeless man as he slumps sideways, pulling his knees to his chest and whimpering. I watch him, hoping he's not in pain. If he is, though, I probably won't help him. That's not what I'm here for. What I need is for him to pass out sooner rather than later so I can find what I need without having to ask him.

"Kyle?"

I spin around to find myself face to face with an old acquaintance, a guy I can't recall the name of. He seems to know me, though, and that's good enough for me.

"Oh, hey, man!" I say as enthusiastically as I possibly can, pulling the guy into a half hug. He hugs me back a little awkwardly before peeking at my face. "Long time, no see. Where've you been?"

"Oh, around and about," he says. "You okay? You look kinda ... unwell."

I wave a hand and roll my eyes.

"Had a fight with my girlfriend," I make up as I go, laughing it off. "Bitch kicked me out."

"Damn, what happened?"

The guy's blue eyes peek closely at my face, bushy brows scrunched together. I rack my brain for the names of all the blue-eyed guys I've ever known. I come up with a few names: Lukus, Marco, Alex, Xander, but nothing concrete. I wait till I have a few more clues before I can take a chance at it.

"I cheated on her. Drunk out of my mind, I hooked up with some chick she knew. She flipped, you know? Lost her mind and called me a shit-ton of names before tossing me out."

I shrug, hoping I can keep the lies rolling long enough. With my history, I'm sure I can manage.

"Fuck, what are you gonna do?"

I sigh and slump my shoulders. "No idea. Probably find a place to stay the night. I messed up, though, so I'll just go to her tomorrow and said I'm sorry. Or find the other chick and see where that leads."

The guy laughs and I'm almost relieved he's a douche. Any decent person would have told me to suck it up and fix my shit. This guy, though, doesn't seem to care that I cheated on my imaginary girlfriend. I finally get why his name escapes me; we were probably never close. I wouldn't be pals with someone who's okay with cheating. I'd die before I cheated on Anna.

"You can stay with me tonight," he offers.

"Fuck, man, you're a lifesaver."

I don't care about the guy or his beliefs. He could be fucking fifteen girls at a time for all I care. Tonight, all I need is a place to lie low. And he's giving me that.

He might be a douche. But he might save my life tonight.

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