I feel like I'm going to throw up, my mind is racing in a million different directions. I've been lied to and framed by my own mother all of my life...my mother. The person I'm supposed to look up to and love has hurt me in a way so unimaginable. But, deep down, I knew this.

Never for certain, nothing in this world is for certain. But, I always had a feeling. I just never wanted to ever admit it or come to terms with reality. It gave me more pleasure to seek and find another answer or possibility instead of just facing what was realistically the truth. The child inside me still wanted to find another answer, denying that my mom would ever become such an evil and vile woman. I didn't want to face it, and I'm not sure I even still want to.

I mean, I'm not stupid. It should have been obvious to me from the start. Now that I know for sure, it all makes sense. Getting mad every time he was brought up, avoiding the topic like it was the plague, the obvious plastic surgery, the framing, it all makes sense. I know their marriage was broken, but I can't believe she'd take it so far. It makes me question what other criminal acts she's committed behind my back. And...oh my god- everyone lied to me. Lucielle, Rosemary, Bonnie. They must have all known about this too. Everyone partook in the lies, lying to me right in my face. Everybody betrayed me.

God, I just feel so numb. I miss our family. I don't care if it wasn't perfect, it was a family. If we took away the parts that weren't so pretty, we were not that broken. On some nights, we'd have dinner together and talk about our day, laughing and joking. Mom loved taking me to the Central Park Zoo when Dad was busy, introducing me to all the fascinating animals. Dad and I would go get ice cream together every Friday when he got off work, and we'd always have the best time.

Then it all changed. Dad started acting differently and hardly ever was present. Mom grew hostile and lost that genuine smile she'd put on everyday. All of a sudden, I felt like I had lost both of my parents. They started fighting- first it was only once in a while, which turned into every week, and that turned into every day. Mom became an alcoholic, which I didn't understand at the time, but all I knew is that it changed her and made her become violent; I grew afraid of her.

Then I found the love letters, which Dad would always tell me not to worry about. He told me to keep it a secret, and so I did. I was naive, a young girl, I didn't know any better. So, I kept it a secret. And, I guess mom found out. That's probably the reason she... oh.

I just want to lay in my bed and cry myself to sleep, hoping I never wake up. The pictures on my nightstand of us as a happy family made me want to hurl. I picked one up, tears falling onto the glass frame as I soaked it all in. As I sat there, my hurt started to turn into rage. They all lied to me. Nobody thought to tell me, "hey, stop wasting your time trying to find out who it is"? Why ME?! I've never done anything wrong, what did I do to deserve this?

I threw the frame I was holding in my hands to the ground, watching as it shattered. I found myself furiously ripping out the pages of my journal, crying out as my anger took over. I knocked everything off of my nightstand to the floor before just burying myself in my bed, my head in my arms as I sobbed. This is the truth I have to accept.

I don't know what to feel anymore. There's an empty void in my chest that I don't think I'll ever fill. I have nobody to go to, and I don't know who to trust.

The thought of even being anywhere near my mom right now makes me nauseous. But, I think I'm just going to go talk to her. I kind of.. ran off. Maybe I'm misunderstanding something- maybe Lucy was just spewing nonsense? I don't know, but I'm going to have to face her at some point. Just to talk to her, even though I'm not sure how. How do I talk to her? A murderer?

I'll give myself a moment to brace myself  before I do all of that. There's time. For now, I need to process everything; I have to accept everything.