I'd spent countless hours on forums since the day of Hayden's accident, trying to find a solution to a challenge that was dating someone with borderline personality disorder, burning to get some answers. That was why I was going to Hayden's DBT therapist, Ms. Kishimoto, tonight.

I was more than lucky to get an appointment with her seeing that I'd called to schedule it only a few days ago. I'd expected to wait for weeks.

"I appreciate that you found some time in your busy schedule to talk with me."

"I'm pleasantly surprised that you came, Sarah. I wish the partners of my patients came to see me more often. A successful, healthy relationship with someone with BPD takes commitment from both partners." She offered me a polite smile to assuage me. I was shifting in my seat too often, and I didn't know what to do with my hands. I disliked therapists, but I had to do this for Hayden and our relationship.

"I just want to know what I'm doing wrong. I want to help him, not make things worse."

"Of course. Did anything specific happen between Hayden and you?"

I took a deep breath, hoping my voice wouldn't betray how nervous I felt. "You're aware that Hayden is... He's in a coma now."

She nodded, her beautiful, young-looking face expressing sympathy. "Mrs. Black called me and notified me of the latest events. He is young and strong, Sarah. He doesn't quite believe it, but he's a fighter. His strong will always amazed me."

"Yes, well... Thank you."

I didn't know how to approach the issue, since there was a part of me that blamed myself, despite knowing I hadn't done what he accused me for. My mistake was not being able to read the signs and react accordingly, so I hoped to learn what I could do the next time Hayden became enraged and started arguing with me.

"How are you holding up?"

I shrugged. I didn't have the slightest desire to talk about myself. "I'm okay."

She nodded, taking the hint. "Is there something else you wish to tell me?"

"Yes." My cheeks colored under her intense stare, and I hated being observed like this. I had a feeling she was already constructing my diagnosis in her head, and I didn't like it one bit. "We had a fight that morning. He... He got so mad. He said some hurtful words and left me. I didn't notice in time that he wasn't paying attention to the traffic, so... He got hit and... Now he's in a coma."

She mulled over these words for a long moment, and I almost expected her to write them down in the notebook that lay in front of her on her desk. "Do you blame yourself for his accident?"

A jolt unfurled through my chest because her words hit the nail on the head. I swallowed past the sudden dryness in my throat. "N-No." It's pointless to lie, Sarah. You need to be honest if you want your relationship with Hayden to work. "A little."

"I see. And why do you blame yourself?"

"Because I didn't react properly. I'm afraid I just made his anger worse."

"Can you describe that argument?"

I tried to recollect every detail as I recounted that fight, avoiding mentioning what the call Hayden received was about, since she would then know he was dabbling in criminal activity.

"You told me you've been studying BPD."

"Yes."

"Then you're aware that many things they do or say during their rage episodes may not be the display of their real thoughts?" I nodded. "Honesty, trust, and communication are important in a relationship. Has Hayden opened up to you about his feelings so far?"

I called to mind each time he spoke about his feelings and revealed his deepest fears and thoughts. "Yes. He even gave me his diary."

Her eyebrows shot upward. "His diary?"

"Yes. Um, he said he wasn't able to express himself fully when he talked to me, so he gave me his diary. He thought it could help me understand him better."

"I see. I must say that is a huge progress."

I twiddled my thumbs in my lap. A part of the suffocating weight lifted off my chest. "Really?"

"Yes. A lot of their problems come from their insecurity and trust issues, so giving something so personal to another person to read represents a huge step. It's a clear sign that he cares about you deeply. How long have you two been together?"

I blushed. "Eleven days." And he was in a coma for ten of those days. The irony.

This time her whole face twisted with surprise, and I blushed harder. "Eleven days?"

"Yes." I resisted the urge to squirm on my chair again.

She regained her blank expression in a second. "Based on your determination to make things work with Hayden, I was under the impression that you were together for a much longer period of time."

"We knew each other well before we started dating." I didn't want to elaborate on our complicated past.

She nodded. "I see. As I mentioned, the major disturbance in their behavior comes from their unstable self-image, which induces a potent emotion—fear. Since they have low self-esteem, they fear that others would perceive them in the same way. They fear of being abandoned or betrayed, they fear of not being worthy of love, they fear loneliness and emptiness... So many fears that are a constant in their life. This constant brings them a lot of stress, which is why they are faced with emotional instability each day. A relationship with them can be a real roller coaster ride."

A roller coaster ride. Yes, it had been a hell of a roller coaster ride, which confused me to no end. Hot and cold, love and hate, anger and joy, all of these emotions impeding our happiness and mutual trust.

"So how can I help him with his fears?"

"First of all, you need to assure him that he is safe with you and that you won't leave him. It takes a lot of patience and effort on your part. Take his feelings seriously. Validating his feelings is extremely important. He needs to know that you care about how he feels and that you understand how difficult his feelings could be."

"I get that, but sometimes it's too hard. Just when I think I understand him, he does something that completely astounds me. He becomes so angry with me, and I'm no closer to understanding what I did to get treated that way. And I don't know how to deal with his tantrums."

"Here are a couple of suggestions. Don't try to solve issues during arguments. It would be best to solve the problem after you both calmed down. Secondly, your tone during arguments is extremely important. Don't raise your voice. You need to be conflict-capable and emotionally stable. You have to be able to confront him firmly and bear with the extreme changes in his behavior. This means that understanding his feelings during such an episode can help you deal with it, and you'll avoid reacting to triggers and prolonging your argument instead of resolving it."

"You mean that instead of defending myself, I should try to approach the core of the problem?"

"Exactly. The more you defend yourself, the more he'll believe that his suspicions or accusations are correct. So arguing back in a gentle way, without becoming offensive, and maintaining simple communication is imperative. Ignoring his claims or adding sarcasm and insults can only hinder your communication process. Also, pay attention to your facial expressions and body language because they send a clear message too."

"I see. I'll work on that."

"And remember: if, let's say, he tells you that he hates you or something along these lines, there is some underlying cause, which doesn't have to do anything with you. So don't take it personally. The best thing to do in order to discover the real source of his discontentment is to communicate and validate his feelings."

"Thank you for your suggestions. I hope in time I'll learn to read the situations properly." If he wakes up...

No. Stop thinking like that, Sarah. He will wake up.

"Hayden is a surprising young man that has more potential than he's aware of. If you're both able to meet in the middle and compromise, communicate your needs and troubles, and also work on understanding each other, then you have a better chance at a long-lasting relationship."

I glanced at the clock on the wall and saw we were running out of time. "Once more, thank you, Ms. Kishimoto, for your time and suggestions. I believe that Hayden and I will be able to solve our problems in time." I truly did. I was learning more and more about him and his issues, along with ways to deal with them.

Maybe love wasn't enough to make things work, but it certainly gave a good boost for people to try working out their issues. It was a fruitful ground for building trust, reconciling differences, and flourishing understanding.

Hayden had never had anyone by his side, not even Kayden, who hadn't been able to cross the gap between them and settle their disputes, and he had been hiding his real self all this time. He'd gotten so used to wearing his masks, always pushing everyone away, that him opening up to me felt like a miracle.

This accident reminded me how short our life was. We didn't have many chances. It reminded me that holding grudges only filled our life with bitterness and misery.

He'd done so many despicable things, but they were in the past. There was no point in building our future if I couldn't fully give myself to him.

So I'd forgiven him. I'd forgiven him for everything, even the cruelest, most devious acts. I'd forgiven him because, despite everything, he wanted to change. He suffered on the inside, and he wanted to escape his darkness. He'd always been trapped in his world, dealing with his version of reality the only way he knew. I could always hold it against him, but what was the point of staying in the past? People changed, and if he regretted everything, he deserved a second chance. So I decided to be a better person and get over his bullying.

And I felt at peace. There was no holding back; my heart and mind were ready to embrace everything that awaited us.

"I want you to know there is an option of couples counseling," she said. "It could help you establish effective communication and make your relationship more stable and functional."

I'd never considered going to therapy with Hayden, but I had to if that could help us. "I'll think about it." She nodded. "Is there anything else we can do to make our relationship work?"

She cracked a smile. "Yes. Laugh."

"Laugh?"

"Yes. Always try to have time for each other and do something that will make you happy. Hayden needs happiness more than anything, so find things that you both enjoy and do them together."

My heart fluttered at the image of a smiling Hayden, which was so rare. All I wished for was to see him smile more.

I stood up and took my backpack and jacket. "Thank you. I won't take more of your time."

"One more thing, Sarah." Her face grew serious. "Please, take care of yourself. It would be ideal if both of you can equally give and take in your relationship, but there is always a possibility that you'll end up giving more. If that happens, you'll overtax yourself. Create healthy boundaries and make sure your needs are fulfilled too. Do you understand what I mean?"

"Yes. I'll keep that in mind." She stood up too, and we shook hands.

"Good. If it becomes too hard, it's better to leave sooner rather than later, for both your sakes."

I was already at the door, itching to get going. "Yes. Thank you."

"Sarah." Her smile was professional this time. "I know some good therapists. So if you ever decide to consult a therapist for your own needs, do let me know. I'll be more than happy to recommend someone to you."

*******************

I felt exhausted after another Krav Maga training session, and all my muscles screamed in pain and begged for some form of relief. Liam and Trevon taught us two new moves, and we had to repeat them over and over, but I wasn't complaining. This class was another stress reliever, and I welcomed anything that would take the edge off the anguish taking root in me.

Mel was supposed to visit Hayden with me, but her mom called after the class and asked her for help with something, so she was just going to drop me at the hospital. I had to hand it to Mel because she was doing her best to understand and accept Hayden. She'd promised me she would treat him better from now on and support us, which I appreciated a lot.

"We've arrived to your destination, ma'am," Mel said and gestured at our surroundings, acting like she was my chauffeur. I giggled. I could almost imagine her wearing a black suit and driver cap.

I returned her amused stare. "You could totally pass as a chauffeur. It suits you."

"Why, thank you. It's always been my dream to drive those spoiled rich assholes around while they screw each other behind me."

I snorted. Her silly imagination knew no limits. "You forgot they're also drinking champagne in formal wear," I added, playing along.

"Yes. And throwing cash at me as they flash their intimate parts at the people outside, with 'Gangnam Style' playing in the background."

I was in fits of uncontrollable chuckles that went on as I walked through the hospital hallways. I entered Hayden's room with a rush of exhilarating hope that he was finally awake, but all my positive feelings vanished when I found Blake and Masen seated next to his bed. I'd hoped I wouldn't have to see them so soon, but luck was not on my side.

My eyes landed on Hayden's unmoving, painfully frail form, and my hope dwindled to nothing, leaving bitterness in its stead. Blake's eyes zeroed in on me, telling me this wasn't going to end well.

"Hey," I greeted them weakly, my eyes on Hayden's pinched face. A flicker of sorrow fused with the bitterness, but I refused to let it overcome me. He would wake up soon. Just a little bit more.

"Hey, Sar," Masen said, calling me by a regular nickname instead of the one he'd often used—Sars. "Have you saved anyone since lunch? Some other nerds or hobos?"

I didn't want to talk about it in front of Hayden in case he could hear us. It might upset him to hear his girlfriend went against his friends because of their bullying.

"I can't even count how many," I mumbled.

"I want to have a word with you outside," Blake said and strolled out of the room without waiting for my answer.

I looked at Masen with raised eyebrows, surprised by Blake's request. I was reluctant to talk with him.

"He won't eat you. Come on. Don't be a pussy." His eyes glimmered mischievously, and I already knew what kind of words would come out of his mouth next. "Although, your pussy—"

"Okay, Masen! Enough." I raised my hands in the air and squeezed my eyes shut, shaking my head. "Save those obscene words for the girls you hang out with."

I left the room before he spurted out more nonsense. His laughter followed me until I closed the door behind me and turned to Blake, who was leaning with his shoulder against the wall across from me.

"You and I go back a long time, Sarah," he began, no hesitation whatsoever. "I have to admit I really disliked you." The feeling had been mutual. "But you're with Hayds now, and you went through a lot of shit, so I don't want to do something I'll regret later. Don't interfere in what isn't your business. Mace and I won't bother you anymore, but if you keep pulling the shit you pulled today, I'm not sure we'll be able to tolerate it."

I was livid. "You expect me to stand aside and let you abuse innocent people?"

"As I said, what we do isn't your business. We have the right to do whatever—"

"No, you don't." My heart was beating overly fast, my palms clammy. I wasn't as brave as I sounded, and I expected him to hurt me at any moment.

He stepped away from the wall, reaching me in an instant. "Careful, Sarah. My patience with you can quickly reach its limit. I'm telling you this for your own good. You don't have a say in what Masen or I do. Either you'll stay out of our business, or you'll get hurt too."

I bristled at his words. How could he be so blind and unfair? How could he be so inconsiderate of others?

"But that guy did nothing to you. It's sick and wrong that you tortured him just because of, what? Your own issues?"

I didn't notice when he moved, but the next moment he was in my face, gripping my arm. His steely gray eyes bore into me, increasing my fear of him. "I won't repeat myself, Sarah. I would hate to be forced to go against you."

He dropped my arm and returned to Hayden's room, leaving me in a state of disarray. What was I going to do now? I was right in the middle of two worlds, and I didn't know where my next step would lead me. If I went against Hayden's friends, I would protect people like Jess, but Hayden would be caught in between. If I stayed out of it for Hayden's sake, Jess would suffer.

I couldn't return to the room and pretend everything was all right when Blake had been clear on how everything would work from now on. Maybe Hayden was changing, but that couldn't be said for Blake and Masen, and expecting them to act mature just because I asked them to would be pushing it. So I waited in the hallway for them to leave, using the time to compose myself.

They left twenty minutes later, and I was finally able to get alone time with Hayden. The regular beeping reminded me that Hayden's situation was uncertain and could last indefinitely, but once more, I pushed the depressing thoughts aside. I wouldn't let my optimism dissolve so easily.

I placed my backpack on the chair and used the anti-bacterial cream in the dispenser above the bedside table, following the instructions of the staff who had instructed me to take care of hygiene around Hayden.

"Hey, Hayden. I missed you." I kissed his forehead. The creases around his mouth and eyes emphasized how weak he was, and my chest ached for him. I smiled at him, my hand reaching out to caress his cheek. "This has been a long day. It's Thursday, by the way. December fifteenth. You're in the ICU and currently in a coma, but you'll get better soon," I informed him in a reassuring tone, just like his doctor had advised me.

I took a seat next to him and caught his hand. If only I could get a slightest response from him, even a tiny twitch of his fingers. I stared at his hand as I imagined it, but it only brought me more grief.

"I just had another Krav Maga class, and it was brutal. If my instructors keep up this tempo, I'll be a killing machine in a month."

This was my first class after I got out of the hospital. I'd debated with myself whether I should continue training since it was expensive, but Melissa had managed to convince me not to give up on it. I just had to cut some other things I wanted so I could afford to pay for it, which wasn't such a big deal, considering I'd been sacrificing like this my whole life.

"Melissa says hi. She also wanted to visit you, but you know her parents are in the middle of a divorce, so they're busy moving."

I mentioned my visit to his therapist, babbling continuously for the next few minutes. The silence fell on us like a heavy burden, and I reached for his diary. I opened it to an entry I hadn't read before, and my pulse kicked up.

"Date: Let's just say today is one of those days I'm really pissed off.

Why do you always leave so easily? I need you to stay and say "I'm not going anywhere." I need to see that you care. So why do you promise so much one moment and do so little the next? If I ripped my heart out for you and put it into your traitorous hands, would that be enough for you? If I bled out after I took a fucking bullet for you, would that be enough for you? If I became the version of me you created, would that be enough for you?

No? Then what the fuck do you want?

Do you even love me?

Why is it so hard for you to stay?

Unless I'm just a shadow of a man, and you're about to find a real version, someone who will treat you million times better than I ever will."

My heart gave a shudder, and my eyes sought his face. "You're perfect, and I love you. I love you so much, Hayden." I kissed the back of his hand, relaying my love for him through that soft touch.

My hand shook as I turned the next page.

"Date: It's still the same. More shit piles up.

This scar is fucking me up. It's like it exists to remind me how fucked up everything is, and I can't stand looking at it.

Why did he have to be such an idiot? Why couldn't he just let me die? I deserved to die. I deserved to be in that coffin, not him.

But I can't even hate him anymore. I want to hate him. I want to keep hating him because of every single shit I went through, but I. Fucking. Can't.

I can't because deep down I know it's my fault. Just like always."

"No. Don't say you deserved to die. It was never your fault." I ran the back of my fingers across his scar, hurt by the raw emotions seeping out of his pages. I finally knew how he felt when he looked at it, and it was too painful.

I was on the verge of tears, but I didn't want to lose it. My body felt cold as his pain reverberated through me, his vulnerability and reproach resembling my own. We were both broken, and I wished I could wipe our issues away.

My hand trembled harder as I continued to the next page. The pressure in me soared when I spotted the words written in capital letters.

"Why do I exist? I don't understand.

I DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND.

Everything I touch, I destroy.

Everything I see, I destroy.

Everything I want, I destroy.

SO WHY DO I FUCKING LIVE???

She rejected me. That bitch rejected me. She broke me. She completely smashed me, and I HATE her.

I want to inflict the same pain on her. No. EVEN WORSE. I want her to cry and suffer until she vomits from all that pain. I want her to crawl on the floor and beg me to accept her, but I'll never accept that selfish, lying bitch ever again. Fuck. I'm so mad!! If I were to see her now, I would've done some nasty shit to her, and it wouldn't be even close to satisfying me.

Payback's a bitch.

She'll pay.

She'll pay for making me fall in love with her.

She

The page was ripped in the middle, but the entry didn't end there.

Why? Why can't anyone love me? Why can't she be mine?

WHY DO I NEED HER SO MUCH WHEN I HATE HER?

I HATE HER.

SARAH.

Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, Sarah...

Shit.

I'm not drunk enough. I'm never drunk enough. I can never drown these suffocating thoughts. All I feel is this gaping hole in my chest that grows bigger fast, and there's nothing that can fill it.

She's gone and along with her, my hope for salvation is gone too."

I clamped my hand against my mouth with a whimper. One tear escaped and fell on the page. When I refused him in the hospital three months ago, I opened some wounds that still hurt.

"I love you, Hayden," I repeated my earlier words. "I'm yours." I caressed his hand, hoping with all my might that he could feel it and hear me. "You're capable of so many things, and I believe in you. One day, you'll achieve great things." My voice wavered, and I closed my eyes, fighting against the powerful rush of tears. "I'm sorry for all the pain I caused you. I'm here now. I'm not going anywhere."

I placed his diary into my bag and took a new piece of paper, planning to put these words into a letter. I wiped off my tears and focused on the influx of thoughts that poured out of me, speaking them as I scribbled. I tried to keep my voice as steady and calm as possible.

Exhaustion took over my body when I finished the letter, so I rested my head on his bed, right next to his hand.

"I'm not going anywhere, Hayden," I mumbled and closed my eyes, slowly dragged into the world of dreams.

***************

The beeping filled my ears, and confusion veiled me. The surroundings in my dream changed, turning into a mixture of white and gray, and I felt someone shifting next to me. I looked around, but I found no one.

I heard distant groans, and then they shifted again, pulling me back into reality. I moved, my eyes fluttering open, becoming aware of the heavy breathing on my left. My head snapped upward, and I met Hayden's dazed eyes.

Oh my God.

He... He's awake!

"Hayden!" Euphoria and disbelief clashed in my chest, but then he frowned and looked around him in confusion. I stilled. "Hayden?"

His eyes seemed unfocused as they darted around the room, telling me there was something terribly wrong. The beeps of the heart monitor became more frequent, matching my rising heartbeat.

His eyes finally returned to me, and he grimaced. "Sarah?"

------------------

Hello, hello!! <3 *walks out of her evil cave and waves* Thank you so much for reading the sample chapters! I hope you liked them! Hayden really has it rough :( If you want to read more, you can buy Damaged through Amazon, iBooks, Kobo, and a few more stores. The links are in my bio. <3 Also, I want to thank each and everyone of you for all your support and kind words so far. You always make my day and put a smile on my face <3

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*sends you a hug and lots and lots of kisses*

Love ya,

Vera