DAMNATION.

chapter eighteen, bury me here.
[ season seven, episode thirteen ]

SHE ISN'T SURE WHEN it happens but it does. Benjamin becomes Odessa's breath of fresh air that she's needed for so long now.

In the time that's passed, it's been Benjamin. After Daryl left, it's just been him. Henry, his fun little brother, is there a lot too.

It's been a a full week since her dad left her and Daryl stranded in the Kingdom. It's been a day since Daryl left. She hasn't spoken to Morgan since she said all those hurtful things to him. And still, she feels no remorse for saying them.

She's just angry all the time. She's trapped underwater and she reaching for help. She's screaming for it. But no one is there. Not a single person is there to save Odessa from drowning.

Ever since that day in the Atlanta Camp she can't seem to stop losing people. She's lost so many people since then. And it hurts more every time.

On her eighth day in the Kingdom, Odessa sits with Henry at a picnic table. He's teaching her different knots. Shane, Andrea, and Amy taught her some but Henry? He knows them all.

The current one he's teaching her about is the square knot and she can't seem the grasp it. Henry keeps telling her it's simple, one of the easiest to learn.

She gripes and complains.

"Come on! It's easy, Odessa. You just hold an end of the rope in each hand, then you pass the right end over and under the rope in your left hand. Now, pass the rope end that's now in your left hand over and under the one in your right hand." Odessa watches as Henry slows ties the knot in his hand as he instructs her to do the same, "and finally, tighten the knot."

He pulls both ropes together and the square not is beautifully done. She stares at the young boy in astonishment for a moment before she groans, dropping her head into her hands. "I don't get it," she mumbles.

This causes Henry to groan and drop the knot on the table. "You get it, you're just not in the right head space."

This causes her to look up at the young boy with furrowed brows. Henry stares back at her. "What do you know about being in the right head space?"

"I'm not just some kid, Odessa. I've been through a lot, too. I know what pain looks like," he tells her. A frown resides on his face.

"Everyone that's alive now has been through a lot." She reaches forward and grabs his small hand that still holds the knot. "You wanna talk about it?"

"My dad," Henry starts. He sucks in a deep breath and Odessa's heart shatters. He's still a kid. He's still such a young kid. He's barely twelve years old and he's already lost his father. "It was almost a year ago. Ezekiel and some others were clearing out a building nearby. Dad and Ben were both there."

Tears well in his eyes and the teenager squeezes his hand in reassurance. He clears his throat. "A walker came around the corner. It grabbed Dad before he even knew what was happening. It happened right in front of Ben."

"I'm so sorry," Odessa whisperers weakly. "I'm so sorry, Henry."

"Did you lose your parents?" Henry then asks.

She thinks of the day her mother died. It was the same day she watched T-Dog sacrifice himself for herself and Carol. It was the same day Judith Grimes was born.

Odessa sucks in a deep breath. Henry can see the emotion behind her blue eyes. He just can't out a name on it. "Yeah, my mom. She, uh, she died giving my birth to my little sister."

"Before or After?" Henry questions.

"After," she answers.

"How old were you when you stopped being a kid?" Henry then asks her. "I stopped being a kid when my dad died. So I was ten."

"Six." She answers. Because that's how old she was when she started really helping with Carl. That's when she became a mother and a sister to her baby brother.

"Odessa!" Someone suddenly calls out. Both Henry and Odessa turn to see Benjamin jogging towards them. When he reaches them he plops down beside his younger brother. He looks at the abandoned knot. "Square knot?"

Henry nods, acting like he and Odessa hadn't just shared a heartfelt conversation.

"Yep, I told Odessa it's the easiest but she sucks at listening. She can't get it." Henry informs him.

"It's simple," Benjamin looks at Odessa.

"So I've been told," she huffs.

So Benjamin shows her how to tie a square knot. She tries and tries again. No luck. She throws the ropes on the table in frustration. "I can't get it."

Instead of helping anymore, Benjamin looks at his brother. "You know, I almost skipped the drop. That lady I told you about came into the Kingdom, looking for Morgan."

"Lady?" Odessa's brows furrow. "What lady?"

"Oh, she lives up the road. She showed up, like two weeks ago. She doesn't wanna actually live inside the Kingdom. So Ezekiel keeps going to her instead. If you ask me, I think he has a crush on her." Benjamin says.

Two weeks ago.

When Glenn and Abraham were killed, when she was taken by Negan.

But that was also when Carol left. Odessa hadn't known about Carol's disappearance until after she was reunited with her people. Her dad told her.

"Carol, the day— the day before everything happened she left. She left Tobin a letter. She didn't want anyone comin' after her."

"Did y'all find her?" Odessa had asked.

"No, but Morgan kept lookin' while I came back to Alexandria. He isn't back yet and neither is she," Rick told her.

In a whisper, Odessa asked her father, "do you think they're dead?"

Rick looked over at his daughter. She seemed so scared, so much like the little girl she used to be. So Rick lied. "No, I don't."

"What's her name?" Odessa asks, her heart pounding. It was beating so loud she could hear it in her ears.

"Carol," Benjamin says and it's like all the air is sucked from Odessa's lungs. Carol. Her Carol. She's here. "Why? Do you know her?"

"I have to go," Odessa is up and running in second. Benjamin and Henry share a look as they watch Odessa's retreating figure.

When she reaches the apartment she'd been given many days ago, she grabs her bag and throws what she thinks she'll need into it. Two bottles of water, a can of food, three extra clips, the essentials.

She leaves the Kingdom.

And she won't return for many years.

As she runs down the road, she wonders, what will I say to her? What will she say to Carol? Will she tell her what'd happened? Will she explain to her why she's at the Kingdom? She isn't sure.

All she knows is that the pressure on her chest should be lifted but it isn't. More and more seems to be piling on.

Something is happening.

Something wrong.

When she reaches the small cabin on the side of the road, she stares at it. It's fenced in, protected from walkers but not people. There's a tiny graveyard in grass.

She takes a deep breath.

And faces her fears.

She opens the gate. She walks toward. Then she knocks on the door. She waits and she waits and she waits.

And when the door finally opens, Carol Peletier stops in her tracks. A shallow gasp slips past her lips. She had been expecting Ezekiel or maybe even Benjamin.

But Odessa?

She didn't see that coming.

"Odessa?" Carol asks, shocked.

Odessa nods. "Can I come in?" She asks weakly.

Carol moves, her body rigid. Odessa walks past her and into the house. She looks around, there's a bowl of fresh fruit. Fruit that Ezekiel's most likely delivered to Carol. There's a small pile of books stacked beside the fireplace and one on the couch that Carol must've been reading.

"Did Daryl come see you?" Odessa turns back to Carol after setting her bag down. Carol's eyes are red rimmed, her lips are a brighter pink that usual. She'd been crying. Carol had been crying. Odessa's brows furrow. And Carol nods. "Did he tell you about the Saviors?"

Again, she nods. "He did."

"What'd he tell you?"

"He told me everyone was safe and okay. That your dad made some deal with them. He said that Jesus brought y'all here to talk about trading with the Kingdom and Hilltop," Carol says. "That's true, right? Everyone's safe?"

Odessa's eyes shoot down to her feet. Carol know then something much bigger has happened. Daryl didn't tell her the entire truth, just as she had known. So without hesitation, Carol's breaking voice asks, "who?"

It takes her a moment. Odessa squeezes her eyes shut. She doesn't want to think about that night. She can't— it hurts to remember. It hurts so bad to remember.

She can lie. She's lied to many people— her dad, brother, Glenn, Beth. She's lied to people she loves and loved. But never Carol. In all the time she's known the woman, she's never once lied to her. And she won't lie to her now.

She was Glenn and Abraham's family, too.

And she deserves to know.

"Negan— he murdered Glenn and Abraham." The girl can't bring herself to open her eyes. "Right in front of everyone. In front of Maggie. Negan killed Spencer, gutted him right in front of our house. Then he had someone killed Olivia. And Kathleen— Kathleen is his right hand woman."

Carol walks forward and grabs Odessa's arms. This forces her eyes open. When she sees the tears pooling in Carol's eyes, she breaks. A sob slips past her lips and she falls into the woman. Carol holds her. She holds her tight. Despite her own tears and her own sadness, she cradles Odessa Grimes to her like she is her own.

Their friends, no, their family is dead. People they love have died and they'll continue to die. And that's the sad part. No matter what they do, no matter how hard they try, someone else will always die.

Whatever moment they're sharing is interrupted by the sound of tires coming to a screeching stop outside. The crying women pull apart and before they have any time to react, the door is bursting open. Odessa jumps, fear paralyzing her for a moment. But when she realizes something's wrong, she snaps into action.

She quickly pushes the fresh fruit off of the wooden dinner table. Jerry, and Morgan rush forward and place the injured person on the table.

His blue eyes look around frantically as blood flows from his stomach. The red substance leaks over the table and into the ground below.

And suddenly, Odessa is drowning.

She's gasping, searching for the surface but it isn't there.

Then a hand reaches into the water for the first time in so long. It grabs her shoulder and pulls.

When she comes to, she realizes she isn't underwater and she isn't drowning. But Benjamin is bleeding out.

That's who it is.

Benjamin.

Her breath of fresh air.

The bright eyed boy she'd grown so fond of.

The boy that reminded her of her Bethy.

Odessa is beside Ezekiel, tears brimming in her eyes but not falling just yet.

"Stay with me. Stay with me," Ezekiel panics. "I'm right here. Stay with me."

Benjamin fights to stay alive. Really, he does.

Carol presses gauze to his wound but it's not help. Blood just soaks right through.

"Des, towels," Carol looks at her frantically.

The girl can barely function but this is her friend's life. She has no time to laze around. She's back in ten seconds. It's a crucial ten seconds. She hands the towels to Carol. The woman takes them. She presses the cloth to Benjamin's wound. The blood just soaks right through that, too.

Benjamin looks at Odessa. He is deathly pale, sweat beads on his face. His lips are nearly white. "Henry. Take care—" he can't finish his sentence. He coughs, blood lands on his face.

"Yes," her voice breaks. "I'll protect him, okay? I'll protect him like he's my brother, too. I promise, Benjamin." A sob slips past her lips, her tears finally falling.

Benjamin grunts in pain. He squeezes Ezekiel's hand and locks eyes with the man who's become like his father since his own died.

"T— to injure an opponent, is to injure yourself." Those are Benjamin's final words.

When Benjamin's heart stops, it's Odessa's that ends it. She takes out one of her knives. "Odessa," Carol says weakly. She tries to grab Odessa's arm but the girl pulls away.

She has to do this. She has to.

She swallows the lump in her throat. Then she pushes the blade into Benjamin's brain. As she gently pulls it out, a small cry comes from her. She holds herself up using the wooden table. She can't close her eyes. She stares at Benjamin's pale face. A tear falls from her face and lands directly on his cheek.

"Des," someone reaches for her but she pushes them away. She sheathes her blade and grabs her bag. The tears won't stop. They have a mind of their own.

She leaves that day.

Odessa turns her back on the Kingdom and she doesn't dare turn back. Because she knows if she does, she'll start walking back— back to Henry, back to Carol, back to Benjamin's grave.

The next morning when the sun is still hidden, the gates of the Hilltop open and Cori Ackler stares at Odessa Grimes. Her hands are still stained with Benjamin's blood. Her cheeks are lined with tear trails.

When Cori sees the blood, her concern grows. Daryl had been at the Hilltop for a day already. He arrived without Odessa and now she's here. She has blood stained hands and a broken heart but she's here. "Odessa?"

"The Kingdom is gonna fight." Is all Odessa says as she walks past the redhead.

Cori's eyes trail after her as she walks to Barrington House. Whatever happened to the other girl in the last couple hours, Cori knows it's bad. She knows it's hurt her friend.

But whatever it was, it's the very reason the Kingdom will join in the fight to end the Negan and the Savior's terrifying reign. 

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word count: 2,417

i can't do this. this is such a fucking sad chapter omfg. benjamin's death with such a shocking thing that happened in the show. and i'll never understand it because he has SO MUCH POTENTIAL!!!

anyway, but this is such an important event for odessa. this was the make or break event for her. make her into a good person again or break her for good. i guess we'll see what it does to her in the following chapters. des, i'm so sorry, my love.

but at least odessa knows carol is alive and she saw her. and i did change it from morgan telling carol the truth about the lineup and the saviors because it just makes more sense for it to be odessa that tells her. i mean, carol's been there for odessa since atlanta and like she mentioned. she's never lied to carol before.

next chapter is a cori chapter!!! haven't had one of those in a while, have we?? speaking of chapters. there are only three left in act one!!!!! i'm so excited to start writing season eight even though it is my least favorite. but we all know why it's such an important season...

rip benjmain.