"Why would I want to talk to you?" I demanded. My right hand white-knuckled the door handle while the other planted firmly on the opposite frame to bar his path.

"I want to apologize for how I acted last week at Van's, but you've been ignoring all my calls." He sounded tired and a little sad. He was wearing the sweatshirt I always used to steal from him—the one I had dumped on his front step in the pouring rain the day after we broke up.

"Some people would interpret that as 'apology not accepted,'" I said.

"Please, Dash, I already feel like enough of an ass. I'm just asking for 10 minutes. If you're still sick of me after that, I promise I'll leave you alone." His face and voice were the most sincere I had seen them in a while, so unlike the cocky, arrogant boy who had been at Vanessa's party.

And even though I was nearly past my limit of talking today between my parents and Amber, I dropped my arm and stepped back to let him in. His blue eyes swept the room, taking in my unslept-in bed and Amber's explosion.

"Don't ask," I said. "Let me just shower quick."

Once I had rinsed last night's nightmares from my skin and scrubbed the mud from my feet and ankles, I walked back to my room to find Chris leaning against my lofted bed, trying to look occupied on his phone. He smiled when I walked in. It was a smile that brought back memories of happier times, ones I didn't want to suffer through. If anything they hurt more than the nightmares.

"Hey beautiful," he said softly, setting his phone aside.

"Sweet talking isn't going to help your case," I said, suppressing a yawn. I boosted myself up onto my bed so we were eye-level.

I absently finger-brushed my hair while we looked at each other. My mind was strangely blank and quiet for once. What did I say to this boy who had added his own pain to mine instead of facing it? Who had cast aside my feelings without so much as a second thought?

Who had the same weaknesses I did, but had the misfortune to get caught first?

I shoved that thought aside.

"This is different," he said, gently touching the blue and purple streaks in my hair. "I like it; it fits you."

"Thanks," I said. "Now, what did you actually come here to say?"

Chris ran his fingers through his brown hair; it was slightly longer than I remembered. I had been too angry at the party to notice or care.

"I wanted to apologize, really apologize for everything," he began.

"You already did that, remember?" I said, pointedly.

He rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably. "We were both drunk and angry and I—"

"No, you were drunk and I was angry," I said. By now a bone-deep exhaustion was settling into my body, and I didn't want to fight about this anymore. It wouldn't change anything.

"Chris, listen, I don't want to talk about this. You've heard the saying 'forgive but don't forget'? I could tell you what you want to hear and forgive you so your bruised pride could heal, but I won't ever forget what you did. You kicked me when I was down, when I was dying, and you might as well have spit on Danny's grave. He was our friend, our best friend, and you walked away in his last moments. And I won't ever forget that."

"I know," said Chris, so softly at first I thought I had imagined it.

I realized that while I had been talking, I was looking through Chris and trying to picture Danny on the other side. With each passing day it seemed like his features were slipping in my memory, the little details of his face blurring like a low-quality photograph. When my eyes refocused on Chris, I saw that he had tears in his eyes.

"Danny was the brother I never had," he said. "And I didn't get the chance to say goodbye."

He passed a hand over his face as though he didn't want me to see him weak, yet didn't know how to reach me without it.

"Every night, I remember the day we met," he continued. "When the stupid little punk of kid that he was nearly ran me over with his dirt bike." Chris smiled at the memory, studying his hands. "We were nine. He made it up to me by letting me take it for a ride. Even then he knew my shortcomings. He knew I would try to one-up him, and he knew I had no clue what I was doing. He laughed for ten minutes straight when I landed on my ass three seconds after pulling the throttle."

I smiled in spite of myself. I had heard the story a couple of times over the years. Chris always exaggerated how close Danny had come to hitting him, and Danny was always ready with a comeback. They were the kind of friends who would always find their way back to each other, no matter the distance or grief between them.

I wondered, if things had worked out differently, if Chris knew what I knew before Danny died, would that still be true? Would that nine-year-old friendship have been able to overcome it?

I swallowed hard and began braiding my hair so Chris wouldn't see my hands shaking.

"God knows you needed someone to point out your deficiencies," I said mildly, still smiling.

"Hey, you dated me," he pointed out. "What does that say about you?"

My mind picked up the past tense of "date." Had he finally come to terms with our break-up, or was it just a slip of the tongue?

"That I need to make better decisions," I chuckled. I tied off my braid and leaned back into the many pillows stacked on my bed. They molded to the shape of my body, leeching away my soreness, and enveloping me in a sense of calm.

Chris played with my fingers absently, looking at the pictures taped along my wall. Instead of pulling away I let him hold my hand; the feeling of the pad of his thumb slowly tracing designs into the back of my hand felt good.

I wondered if it bothered him that there weren't any pictures of the two of us.

"Danny was the one who introduced us," said Chris, looking back at me with a sly grin.

"Danny never had the best ideas," I said, rolling my eyes. "Though somehow he never managed to look the fool."

Chris laughed and shook his head. "No, we were the fools for going along with him."

"Breaking into the abandoned mental hospital was a prime example," I added, grinning.

Danny's sense of mischievous adventure had always bordered on crazy, but I wouldn't have wanted to live my life any other way.

"I was scared shitless that night," admitted Chris. He sat down on my bed, and I moved my legs to give him room. He leaned against the wall and looked up at the ceiling, lost in thought.

"I was too," I said, softly.

I studied him while he wasn't paying attention. He had the faintest stubble across his jaw; the consequences of him forgetting to shave this morning. His body was hidden by the sweatshirt and jeans, but I knew underneath the clothes lay hardened muscle from long days in the weight room and on the soccer field. Young, star-struck me had once imagined what it would feel like to be held by someone like him when Danny had first introduced us freshmen year. Reality had turned out to be better than my imagination.

Chris hadn't been a bad boyfriend up until the car crash, even if he could have been a little over-bearing at times. He was thoughtful, remembered anniversaries, and paid attention when I talked, which was more than you could ask of most teenage boys. Towards the end we had begun to fight more often, though I shared a decent part of that blame, even if Chris didn't know why.

He caught me staring at him and I dropped my gaze quickly, feeling the heat rise in my face.

Great, I thought, he's going to get the wrong idea. I tucked my feet under me and pulled my hand back into my lap.

"Remember how he talked the cops out of arresting us?" I said, trying to cover up my mistake.

"He almost didn't," said Chris. "He told the first one that he heard it was prime real estate and he was looking to buy."

We both laughed at the image of Danny trying to appease the very angry, tired police officers who had flushed us out of the abandoned building like rats. He had finally convinced them to let us go after pointing out how much paperwork it would be for them to arrest us for trespassing.

When the cops had dropped us off on the far side of the gate that sealed the hospital from the road and drove away, all three of us had breathed a sigh of relief.

"I'd never let you guys go to jail because of me," Danny had said. "You're my partners, and I'll always have your backs."

"Danny was something," said Chris, nodding slowly.

"I was thinking about the zoo and the tiger the other day," I added.

The stuffed tiger Danny had given me after that night sat next to me on the bed, guarding me with his plush paws and soft fangs. I picked it up and poked at his fuzzy tongue.

"The frat dare?" asked Chris. He ran his fingers through his hair again. "I was so pissed I wasn't invited as a witness."

"You weren't around," I lied. Danny and I had purposefully picked a night Chris was busy.

"Will you tell me that story? I never heard your version," he asked.

As I turned the stuffed tiger over and over in my hands wondering where to begin, my phone buzzed next to me. I had the settings configured so only the name of the person appeared and not the text itself. It was Tyler's name that lit up the screen.

Chris saw his name too.

"Who's that?" he asked nonchalantly. He was trying to sound inquisitive for curiosity's sake, but I knew better. Chris had a history of being hot-headed when it came to other guys. Danny had been the only exception, and it was a fight we had had more than once.

"No one," I said, breezily. "Just a friend."

I recognized the look in his dark blue eyes and sighed.

"Look, he's just someone from class who helped me out the other day. No big deal."

Chris shrugged, and to my great surprise, let the subject drop. "Okay."

Without opening the text, I set the phone on the small table next to my bed. I picked up the tiger again and took a deep breath. The stuffed animal's yellow eyes looked nothing like the real-life version; they were too innocent, too trusting.

I took one more deep breath to steady myself, and then plunged backwards into my memory.

________________________________________________________________

So what did you guys think? I would love to hear any and all thoughts because I had a hard time with this one--I rewrote it 3 times trying to get it right, so feedback would be great :)

Please vote, comment, and share if you feel so inclined :)

Dedicated to Wimbug for being awesome.