I haven't moved from my bed in forever.

I know I should eat— drink something, at least— but I can't find the strength to move from the bed that I feel like my body is carved into. Depression had never felt so close.

I blink, and it's the most exhausting thing to do in the world.

And then I close my eyes for what seems to be the millionth time and let my disorder carry my consciousness away, somewhere where I'm not sure it might be able to come back.

__________________________

My throat burns.

Fifteen hours had passed since I'd last closed my eyes, and my entire body feels like it's going to shatter as I roll off the hot mattress. My vision is blurry with the tears that I'd shed in my sleep.

Breaths come shallow as I put a cup to my chapped lips, no doubt looking like a skeleton that'd come back to life. The water douses the fire in my mouth, but I can't help but feel that it tastes more bitter than I'd remembered.

Melancholy fills my gaze as I glance at the fridge, knowing that he'd want me to eat something even though it'd taste nothing above ashes and dirt.

But I also know he doesn't care, not anymore.

I bite my tongue as I catch an empty look at the sunrise, dawning over the city that had taken my cherished from me. Some part of me wants to see it go up in an inferno of flames, drown in roaring waters.

Why should it be so peaceful when I was dying every second?

A sigh runs through my lips as I retreat to my cold, dreary room. Now I know how V had felt like while his eleven years of imprisonment, during his capture.

How did he live?

__________________________

A small ray of sunlight streaks through the absolute darkness of my room as I brush my finger over the cool screen of the camera, not strong enough to let go of the past.

I'd never be strong enough.

The girl that looks back up at me is foolish, unknowing. Her smile is enough to light up the skies and her cheeks are full and rosy, the definition of innocent beauty.

She doesn't know anything.

She's just happy with the person who'd taken these pictures, content with what the world had given her. Her eyes are alight with what I'd call love as she stares just right above the camera's gaze.

She's looking at the photographer instead of the camera.

Something chokes on my throat as I press the next button as fast as I can, watching picture after picture of the remnants of my past.

Then I finally arrive on the final picture.

I stare at V's soft smile for hours until the darkness comes back to take me away.

__________________________

Three days.

Night blends with day in a flurry of darkness.

I finally find enough courage to look at myself in the mirror, and wish the world that I hadn't when I do.

My reflection shows a girl with overly skinny arms and legs, too big eyes set into a face too pale to belong to someone who's supposedly alive.

A bitter giggle escapes my lips as I realize that while I'd lost kilograms in my figure, I'd somehow managed to keep the baby fat in my tearstained cheeks.

Come on, Tzuyu.

You're better than this.

My hair looks more curly than straight, and I manage to brush down the tangles that's developed over the past three days and nights even longer.

Maybe it'd become better if I took a shower.

I don't even bother to take off the clothes I'm wearing as I simply step into the warm spray of water. The steady waterfall lightens my spirits the tiniest bit as I feel it run down my back, warming the cold skin.

I sigh, tears blending with the water that streams down my face.

I just want him back.

__________________________

Is this a good idea?

There's a water glass clutched in my right hand, while there's a small white pill nestled in the other.

Antidepressant.

It was supposed to help me, right? Stop my heart from tearing apart. It's going to make me feel better, provide an escape for the death I'm experiencing every day.

Yes, this is a good idea.

The tablet tastes bland and dull as I slip it onto my tongue, almost desperate as I choke it down with a gulp of water. I'd do anything to stop this poison— this poison I could feel spreading.

It works.

My mood lightens up in a spark of euphoria before it darkens down again, and by then I'm already shaking out another tablet onto my palm.

As I swallow the second pill, my eyes skim over the warnings listed on the side of the pill bottle. It warned that three pills were a maximum limit per day, and warned side effects would get worse the more I took.

I learn that the hard way just a few hours later.

__________________________

I decide to abandon the antidepressants after I find my forehead hot and my eyes glazed with a severe fever just a few hours later. My body weighed down with fatigue, I trudge over to get my third glass of water in the last minute.

Would V be satisfied to see me like this?

Would he be happy to see me teetering over the line separating life and death?

My room had gotten too hot, so I'd found refuge with the living room. The cool glass helped a bit as I press my forehead against the surface, watching the city with slitted eyes below.

How was he doing?

Worry had been part of me for the past days, always concerned that he was currently out there— without shelter, food, and someone to help him.

Or maybe he'd found someone.

The thought makes my stomach roil with nausea, and I force my mind clean as I place a heavy hand against my blazing forehead. The temperatures seemed like they'd risen over the past minute— if that was even possible.

A bitter smile pulls on my lips as I face the white ceiling, a painful sigh wracking through my chest. I knew I didn't have much time before I went under again— these days it was hard to stay awake for even an half hour at a time.

This was the worst my disorder had ever gotten.

This was the worst anything had ever gotten.

And I should blame him for this. I should blame everything on him— I should be cursing him out right now, praying to God to turn back time so that I'd never have to have met him.

I should be hating him.

But for some reason, I can't find even a tiny speckle of hatred for the boy with the night-kissed eyes.