I ended my time on memory lane when we moved over to small groups. I knew I needed to get out of my own head and focus on the others here. I had five people seated in a small circle around me. I slowly learned that Imogen lost her sister to cancer. Omar lost his girlfriend to suicide. Sam didn't want to share out their story yet. Jessica lost her mom to old age and Janet lost her father to alcoholism. I told them the short version of my own story. I focused more on losing my dad tonight. I was never quite ready to talk about Cam. I never felt comfortable telling strangers about him. He was too... much. Our relationship had never been defined. Who we were to each other was a blurred and tangled web. Dad was a much more comfortable loss. His passing had been unexpected but losing a parent is a normal stage of life. Losing your fuck buddy, baby daddy, best friend, soulmate, Voldemort, baggage... was a whole other issue. I never wanted to admit how much Cam meant to me. Asher was a visual representation of our fornication but the question marks that were left in Cam's wake still felt like scars trying to heal an open wound. 

I caught myself looking over at Rhys as the meeting came to a close. His eyes looked red and puffy. Tears were a regular site around here. I often found myself crying as much for others losses as I did my own at these meetings. Some of their stories were tragic enough to keep me thinking about it long after I had driven home. Rhys seemed to be waiting around. I wondered if it was for me? I started to help with clean up. Rhys silently started to help too.

"You don't have to do that." I said, my voice sounding raw. The first night was often a very emotional time for the Grief Share cycle. 

Rhys shrugged, "No worries. What are you up to after this?" His tone was casual. I wondered how he meant it? Was he asking me to hang out or just curious to know my plans?

"I have to get home to my son and then start on the mountain of laundry we have. I also want to read more of your book before I go to bed."

The corner of Rhys' mouth perked at the last tidbit. "How old is your son?"

I smiled widely, "Ash is two. Well about to be."

"So it's been about three years for you too then?"

Me too? Mattie had died the same time as Cam? My heart hurt at the thought. I hadn't been in the headspace to read or watch the news in the weeks or months following Cameron's crash. A thousand more crashes could have happened in that time period and I wouldn't have known it. My whole world had crashed down around me when I found out Cameron was gone. Finding out weeks later that a small part of him would survive through Asher had been the only thing to keep me going. I wasn't going to pry and ask about details surrounding Mattie's death. I had made a promise to myself to not go snooping. I would let Rhys tell me when he was ready. If he ever was. Talking about the death of loved ones was never easy.

"Yes. He died a few weeks before I found out I was pregnant."

"I thought losing my dad and brother 3 years apart was rough. I can't imagine losing them six months a part. You mentioned that this morning, right? Your father died six months apart from your husband?"

My throat went dry. It was a common assumption when strangers heard that Asher's father had died. They assumed we had been married or at least a couple. The truth, that we were some gray area with no title, was never easy to explain.

I nodded, "We weren't married, but yes."

Rhys' eyes widened, realizing his faux pas, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have assumed."

"No worries."  I said reassuringly. 

"You've been through these classes before?" He looked like a deer caught in the headlights.

"Yes. Several times actually. I kept coming back so they made me into a small group leader."

"Does it help? With the weight of it all?"

I knew what he meant. The weight of fresh grief was heavy. Hell the weight of grief years later still felt like a crushing blow some nights.

"It can. If you work through the program. It at least teaches you how to manage your grief. It has taught me how to control it so that it doesn't overwhelm me. That's all I can ask for. All any of us really. It doesn't every really go away. I mean it ebbs and flows. For me at least. I still find myself wanting to call my dad or have help from Asher's dad. I wish they were still here, no matter how utterly flawed they were."

A smirk curled on Rhys' mouth, "So I'm not the only one with a complicated relationship with their family?"

"If I had the time I could keep you here all night."

"One day we'll find the time to swap stories then. I'll see you at our meeting next week?"

I smiled again, not wanting to stop this conversation with the handsome writer but knowing I had a lot of responsibility waiting for me back home. I nodded, "See you then."

Rhys walked out of the room and I finished cleaning up. Ronnie smiled at me, "You know he's mighty handsome. And did you hear that accent? It could cut through butter, it's so smooth."

I rolled my eyes, "Good night Ronnie." I said as I made my way out. I wasn't about to have the conversation with her about Rhys also being one of my new clients. I needed to figure out if this was going to be a conflict of interest. I probably should hand him back to Gwen but I knew I didn't want to.

Slowly, I made my way back home to my little chosen family. 

Kait was reading a book on the couch while sipping on a cup of tea when I got in. Her curly brown and purple hair in a messy bun on top of her head. Asher it seemed hadn't been able to wait up for me. I couldn't blame the little guy. Thursdays were hard. We barely saw each other. It always left an ache in my chest that I didn't get to spend time with him before he went to bed. I always secretly hoped that he would wake up in the middle of the night and call out for me. Then I could take him back to my room and cuddle with my sweet little one. Hearing his soft snores as he nuzzled into my side always put me at ease. I knew then that he was safe, and warm, and cared for. I always wanted Asher to feel like that. I wanted him to feel what I hadn't felt from my own family growing up. 

I hung my keys on the rack and smiled at Kait, "He go down easy?"

She rolled her eyes and shook her head no, "If wrangling an over tired toddler into a bath and pajamas was easy, more people would have multiple kids."

I laughed, "What did he have for dinner?"

"Well he didn't want any of the pasta I made so I made him Mac N Cheese. He took all of three bites before declaring he didn't like it. So he had a pack of yogurt bites, half a banana, an apple sauce pack, and a handful of cheese balls."

I laughed again, "Sounds about right. Hey, it's calories. That's all that matters some nights."

"How was your day? How'd the meeting go?"

I started the Keurig to get  my own water hot for tea as I prepared to spill all the tea of the day to Kait.

"Gwen surprised me today with a new client."

Kait's pierced eyebrow went up in interest, "Uh oh? Or?"

"He's Irish. Lived here as a kid but went back to Ireland with his mom after his folks divorced. He self published a book there too and it did well. He's writing a second one and wants to work with us to find a publisher."

"So why would Gwen just give him to you?"

I sat down next to her with my steaming cup of tea, metaphorically and physically. 

"His brother died here three years ago. His dad just died too. He's roughly our age and has to be one of the hottest men I have ever laid eyes on. He showed up tonight at my meeting too. Total coincidence."

Kait's mouth hung open, "I don't know what's weirder, him having a similar story to you, your boss trying to play matchmaker, or him randomly showing up at your meeting?"

I shrugged, "I think they can all tie on this one."

"So are you taking him on as a client?"

I nodded, "Oh his first book is excellent. It's a mystery thriller about a boy waking up dead and trying to find out how he died while also trying to help his family find closure."

"You already read it?"

"A little under half on my lunch break. I'm about to read some more before I go to bed."

"Let me read it next." She said, genuinely interested.

We sat there like old women, reading our books and drinking out tea. Kait was reading a Romantasy novel about a fairy trying not to fall in love with a werewolf. I found myself continuing to read even after Kait got done for the night. Rhys' words had me hooked. The character of Luke had figured out that some of his friends had come to get him and gone with him on a joy ride. He was the youngest in the car. None of them had been wearing seatbelts. One of the boys was swerving in and out of traffic. The next thing Luke knew, he was dead. All of the others were dead too. All but one. The character of Chase was introduced as Luke's best friend. He hadn't told the truth to the police. He had acted like he didn't know what had happened to cause the accident. It had been discovered that the other driver was intoxicated and had died too. The boys had been drinking too but Chase's dad worked for the police force. He had skewed the facts through his connections. Chase had let the other driver take the fall. Finn had been on a mission to discover what had really happened in the crash.  

I felt my eyes grow heavy. No matter how much I wanted to find out what happened next, my brain was about to fry from exhaustion. I felt myself mindlessly make my way to my bed and collapse on top of the covers. 

Memories haunted my dreams that night. A police officer was at my door. He had gotten my information from a cracked phone in his hand. Cameron had gone out that night. I had felt too sick to join. I had thought it was a stomach bug. They had found his truck off of highway 69. He hadn't been in it. His body had been discovered several yards away. Another car carrying a group of boys had also been discovered at the scene. All of them were dead. A 19, two 17, and a 16 year old.  

I never learned their names. It was too painful. The parents blamed Cameron immediately. The crime scene detectives said that the way the cars had landed after the collision, it would be hard to know who had hit whom. When the toxicology reports came back, Cameron took the fall. His Blood Alcohol Level was more than two times the legal limit. The town took that as the only evidence they needed. It was easier to blame a 30 year old drunk over a nineteen year old idiot. 

I still blamed him. I wouldn't have cared if they had proven he wasn't the one who caused the crash. The fact he drove drunk and without a seatbelt was enough for me. The fact he had dared leave me alone in this world was enough to make me blame him, to hate him. 

That night, it wasn't Asher's cries that woke me up. It was my own.