"Mrs. O'Connor?" The gentleman asked when our eyes locked. I noticed a slight Irish accent. It made my toes curl.

I couldn't help but blush, "It's Ms. actually. You can call me Lennon though. And you're a possible author? I just got the heads up from Margie in the front. Sorry, I'm usually more prepared."

He smiled and nodded, "Yes, my name is Rhys Cavanaugh. Gwen wants to sign me to the agency but said she wanted me to meet with you before deciding  if I want her to be my agent or possibly you?"

"Let me check my email and see if she sent me over information."

Sure enough, I had several missed emails from Gwen trying to warn me about the meeting. I looked at my phone and saw a missed call from her too. 

Fuck. I shouldn't have had my phone on silent.

I scrambled to read through the emails while Rhys patiently waited. From Gwen's notes I could tell that he had written a novel in Ireland called 'Awake' that was about a boy named Luke who woke up to find out he was dead. He could see and hear all of his loved ones but they couldn't see him. He had to figure out how he died before he could move on to the next life and had to help his older brother, Finn,  find peace in the grief he was experiencing. Now he was starting a book called  Déjà Vu. It was about the character of Finn also losing their father in a mysterious manner. Finn finds out that his father had another life in America. He has to go to there to find out about his father's past to see what he can find out about his death to reveal the truth. 

I read over both blurbs several times before looking back at the expectant Rhys.

I nodded slowly, more to myself than him, "I can see why she sent you my way."

He nodded slowly, a somehow knowing glint in his eyes that made me wonder how much Gwen had told him about me?

"Gwen mentioned you had experience with the subject matter. She didn't elaborate much though."

I nodded then, "Yes. I lost my father and my child's father six months apart from each other."

Rhys' eyes widened, "Jesus, I didn't realize she meant personal experience. I figured it was that you had worked with other authors."

"I have worked with several authors too. I'm a novice editor and reader who has a knack for knowing which stories the editors we send our clients works to will like. I am good at getting the material ready to send off to the editor and great at selling it to a publisher once the material is ready for that stage."

A wide smile stretched across Rhys' face, "Then you're who I need."

I smirked, "Gwen obviously thinks you're suited for our agency too or she wouldn't have sent you to me. I'd like to read 'Awake' though if you don't mind? Before we get too far into things."

Rhys nodded and like a boy scout coming prepared, pulled the novel out of his shoulder bag.

"You can. It did pretty well for me over in Ireland. I published it over there myself. I was shopping for an agent there when my da' died. It was a bit sudden and I've been here the last few months sortin' out the odds and bits. Figured if I plan on staying I might as well shop here a bit. I want to see about getting Awake published here and then work on Déjà Vu. Get it ready for readers too. "

Rhys' accent had me swooning. I just wanted to hear him talk more. It wasn't as thick though as Irish actors I saw on TV.

"Have you always lived in Ireland?"

Rhys shook his head no, "I lived here from the time I was three to fifteen. That was when my Ma found out my little brother existed. He was two by then. She moved me back to Ireland to live with her parents. I came back on holiday several times a year to see my Da' and Mattie."

"Your little brother?" I said, trying not to sound shocked at the soap opera level revelation there.

Rhys nodded. "Aye. I came back to see him more than Da', but Mattie passed in a car accident when he was sixteen. I stopped coming back as much. Too hard. Now that Da' is gone... trying to find a reason in the madness at this point."

I nodded. I knew what it felt like to not know where to start when it came to figuring out the madness. "There's a grief group I go to. I can give you the information if you want to check it out?"

Rhys smiled but it didn't touch his eyes. "Maybe. I'll let you know." 

"So the main character Luke, he's based off of Mattie?"

Rhys nodded, "Yeah, I wanted to feel close to his memory. Writing about someone his age helped me find some closure there. Sixteen is too young for dying."

I felt a lump in my throat. One of the passengers in the car Cam had slammed into  had been sixteen. The driver had been nineteen. There had been a couple of seventeen year old kids too. They were all only teens. Cam was only thirty. I was turning thirty this year. We'd be the same age. It seemed unreal that he'd miss the milestone. We had gone all out for his dirty thirty.

I studied Rhys for a moment, wondering how old he was? I wondered how long ago Mattie died? Had Mattie known the teens in the other car? The possibility sent chills up my spine. It wasn't a question that I was willing to ask. 

"I completely agree. It's good though, that you're trying to honor their memories."

"I do what I can." Rhys looked down for a moment before adding, "So where do we go from here?"

I smiled gently, "Well I have a set of meetings today and one tonight so I won't be able to read much until after my son is in bed tonight. I can give you a call though in a couple of days? Once I've had time to read over your first book and talk to Gwen. I just want to make sure we are all on the same page."

Rhys nodded in agreement. "Gwen has all of my contact information. I look forward to hearing from you, Lennon." He got up from his seat to shake my hand, "Gorgeous name by the way. Your da' was a big Beatles fan?"

I laughed dryly, "Yep. I was almost Jude."

Rhys smirked, "Lennon fits you more."

"Thanks." I grinned. The way he said my name sounded a lot dreamier than when the rednecks around her drawled it out. 

I watched as Rhys retreated into the distance and out of sight before slumping back into my chair.

What a fucking way to start my morning.

Half an hour later Gwen was done with her first meeting of the day and I was able to pop my head into her office.

Gwen's brown eyes grew wide for a moment with recognition and she motioned me in. I shut the door behind me and took a seat in one of the plush leather chairs in front of her desk.

"So how did this morning go, Hun?" Gwen was a middle aged, heavier set white woman who looked like she played the grandma in winter Hallmark movies. Her overly dyed blonde hair and heavily caked on makeup were her attempt to hide such a fact. 

I shrugged, "Fine. I wasn't expecting it so I wasn't as prepared as I usually am. Rhys seems great though. I plan on starting his novel on my lunch break. I want to at least gloss over it as soon as possible."

Gwen gave an approving nod. "Sounds like a plan. I laid eyes on him and just knew the two of you would hit it off."

I tried not to look so incredulous. That sounded more like she was playing matchmaker than giving me a client she thought I was suited for.

I was too curious not to ask Gwen, "Do you know much about his little brother? Did he mention to you that it was the inspiration for his story?"

Gwen shook her head yes, "He mentioned that Mattie was sixteen and that he lived here in East Texas. I didn't ask much. I don't even know any other Cavanaugh's in the area. He said his father passed away out here too but I can't find any obituary that would fit that with a Cavanaugh. I didn't want to pry too much. We're agents not reporters."

I nodded but didn't add what felt like the obvious to me, he might have his mother's last name. It wasn't an issue that I wanted to press with her, or Rhys, for that matter. While I enjoyed getting to know my clients and working with them meant a lot of time having personal conversations about their work; it didn't mean that I liked to pry into their actual personal lives. I knew I preferred to keep my own fairly private. I was sure that Rhys would divulge whatever he felt was pertinent in due time.

"He'll be a good client. Are you sure you don't mind handing him over to me?"

Gwen smiled knowingly, "He's all yours sweetheart."

I fought the urge to roll my eyes. I was almost positive that she was trying to play matchmaker here too. Rhys was attractive. I mean lightyears more attractive than the hillbillies around here. I just wasn't sure if I wanted to even consider his attractiveness at the moment. For one it would be unprofessional as his agent. It would also just be... complicated for me at the moment. 

The frayed journal sitting in my bag back in my office came to mind. I felt myself wanting to write out my feelings at the moment. I smiled and excused myself from Gwen's office. I went back to my own office and started checking emails. The journal came back to mind.

Oh all right, five minutes of writing won't hurt.

2/2/24

Darlin, 

What the actual fuck am I getting myself into? You always told me that seeing the world was a dream of yours. It became a dream of mine too. You said settling down on a plot of land in a tiny home all by yourself was also a big dream of yours. I never quite could get behind that one. It meant that there wasn't room for me too. I knew that. I always knew that. 

I always hoped that you'd change your mind. I hoped that one day we would want the same things. That I wouldn't have to make your dreams mine. I wanted us to have those dreams together. I have to hope that Asher would have been someone who would have grounded you. I know no one else on Earth had managed to do that. He definitely grounded me. That little boy is the center of my world. The dreams I once had of us are only that, dreams. Niceties that I don't allow myself to think about very often. He doesn't need a mommy with her head in the clouds. My heart though... All of its broken pieces still beat. I still get out of bed and get ready for the day. I feel like an imposter getting ready for work and getting Asher ready for daycare as if I actually have all my shit together. My heart still hopes that you'll magically walk back through the door. How can the heart still long for such impossibilities? How can it still beat for someone who can never be there? For someone who if I'm honest, was never really there to begin with. 

I think that's what hurts the most somedays. When I am honest with myself and admit that I wasn't the love of your life. I wasn't even someone you were in love with period. You loved to have me around and to keep you warm at night. But I know when I wasn't there someone else was. Several someone else's. I pray that Asher never finds that out. I am not sure of the story I will tell him one day. I have written about it so many times but it's still this big black hole in my heart. There's this ache in me to tell him the whole truth but then there's this longing in me to protect him from the sadness. I want him to know the light that you were not the cloud of darkness that took you over in the end. 

I'm not sure what all I am setting myself up for with Gwen and this new life I have been building. It's one you'll never be apart of. That's both freeing and terrifying. But it's something that I have to do. 

-LO