Dear Diary,

I met with Eunwoo after school today. I did apologise as well. I told him I was too intimidated, and knew if I didn't stand up for myself, it would happen again. 

He laughed, like really, laughed at my silliness. He said kids in our school aren't like that, and they were only teasing me. He thought it was cute. He also thought I was cute. My eyes widened at that statement, and he said that my bravery was cute. 

I really dunno what he meant by that? And I had to not take any chances in regard to bullying. It is huge here, and even Dad made me aware of it so that I'll look out for myself. I mean, you can never be too safe, you know?

But I know, it was teasing. I've seen them teasing new kids back in England. How it turns into slight bullying. I don't want it to happen to me. It always scares me a little bit. I know my school is a decent one, and hopefully, nothing will happen. To me or anyone else. I have my fingers crossed. It doesn't take long for people to do bad things though. One wrong influence or one misstep may change the path of someone's life. And this is just us, not even the seniors. I have heard they have an air of superiority to them, and honestly, I want to stay away.

I didn't tell Eunwoo that though, I just agreed with him. I have to say, he is cute, so it's nice when he smiles. He complimented my hair. I'm thinking of growing it out as it's supposed to be a trend nowadays, and it gave me a confidence boost when he said a positive thing about it. 

He asked me for my number, and I did give him mine. He said he'd text me, but I've not received anything yet. I had to leave for home and go to my classes though, so I just left from there. He offered to walk me back as well, but he quite literally lives in the opposite direction so I just declined (politely.) 

That's it. Nothing dramatic. 

This is what I need in life. Calmness.

–현재

Dear Diary, 

Jungkook came up to me during lunch today. He had no place elsewhere to sit, and his friends also joined our table, which just had me, Karina, Yebin and Wei. I didn't share a single class with either him or his friends. 

Karina knew everyone, so she was making small talk, but I was silent. I felt like he was staring at me, and it made me a bit uncomfortable. That's not the right word. I wasn't like, uneasy about it, but I just, didn't know what to do when I knew he was scrutinising my every move. His stare was so intense, I swear I halted a couple of times while eating. 

Awkward. That's the word. I was sooooooo awkward. Out of the place. 

After gathering some courage, I tilted my head and looked at him questioningly when he wasn't even trying to be subtle about it, and he just smiled a pretty smile. 

The whole interaction felt so weird. 

Karina did ask me about it on the walk home. I told her I didn't know what that was. She also asked me if I liked him, and that there was a rumour that I will be going on a date with Eunwoo. I told her I didn't know anything about either of those things. 

School is going slow as usual. I love our English teacher, she's so nice. It feels nice to have someone similar to me. Someone who has the same accent as me.

Mum asked me if I was taking pills to fall asleep because she noticed the bottle in my room. I replied truthfully that this place is suffocating me. I don't feel nice. Time has seemed to stop, and I can't pay attention to anything. I cried a little too. I told her I wanted to go back, and she got angry at me. She scolded me too. 

She's right, I know I'm being ungrateful, but rather than being happy, this place is giving me stress. Sometimes I shake while talking to people. I feel like my throat is closing up and I can't breathe. 

I don't know what to do. I feel sad. 

–현재

Dear Diary, 

I got my monthly allowance today, so Karina and I decided to go have some McDonald's. It's the first time I'm having fast food since I came here, and it wasn't half bad. We were dressed up, and I even took some pictures with my camera. While coming back, we took pictures from a photo booth too. I felt really happy.

Dad is going to take me to a psychologist. My old one suggested we find a localite as long-distance communication through Skype is not feasible for either of us. I felt a bit sad because I feel I have bonded with her throughout the past years. It feels like I'm losing a friend.

We had a class test in school today. It wasn't very difficult. I think I did fairly well.

–현재

Dear Diary,

I think Mum is sick. She abruptly started coughing during dinner today, and it didn't stop for almost fifteen minutes. I asked her what was wrong, but she told me not to worry about it.

Somehow, that's making me worry about it even more. I am going to ask Dad if she's okay. We're going to get ice cream after this, so I'll ask him then.

I don't know why. I'm scared.

–현재

Dear Diary,

Dad isn't ready to tell me what is happening. He said he doesn't want to cause me stress. But it's causing me stress regardless.

I even searched on Google, but there's no concrete answer.

I'm going to sneak in and see if I find medicine prescriptions. I'm so scared, and my gut feeling says it's not a regular cold.

–현재

Dear Diary,

We got the results of our first class test today. It wasn't something big, just a practice exam. I'm not happy with my result, but it's fine. I can improve it. It has motivated me to stay longer hours at the hagwon. 

Jungkook asked me after class if everything was okay. His assigned seat is behind me, and I think he saw my marks. I kinda felt embarrassed, because he looks like someone who gets good grades in whatever he does. I just told him I was sad about my marks. 

He smiled at me and said he had faith that I'd do better next time. And for some reason, I smiled back. Thanked him too, for having faith in me. Then, to avoid it being weird as fuck, I laughed it off and told him not to be sad if I disappointed him during the next test. 

You wanna know what he said? He said, "You would never disappoint me." THAT'S WHAT HE SAID !!!!!!!

omg was he trying to flirt with me???? ahhhhhhhh. *PS IM NOT BLUSING OK*

REGARDLESS, he accompanied me to lunch and even offered to sit with me, because we were in the middle of conversation about his dog. All of our friends smooshed at one table, and it was cute to see everyone talking the whole lunch period. Everyone talked about their pets. I wish to have a pet too..... So bad. Mum is allergic to fur so it's impossible to get a cat or dog. I wish to get a huge dog when I grow up. It'll be so cute. 

Jungkook's dog, Gureum, meant cloud. It's so fitting because he's so fluffy and white as a cloud on a clear blue sky day. Everyone loved the way he described him, even imitating how he hopped for snacks. Everyone was impressed by Jungkook when he said that it was a rescue dog and he along with his brother had begged to adopt a dog from the rescue shelter. He promised to invite everyone over one weekend so they could meet Gureum. 

I'll make sure I get lots of pictures from my new camera. 

–현재

Dear Diary, 

I can't stop thinking. I feel like these walls are closing up on me. 

I just need someone to talk to. Please. 

–현재

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author's note: 

hihihi all of you. sorry for disappearing. BUT I'M BACK. 💃🏻💃🏻💃🏻

so this chapter is small, but you can read about the mental health struggles hyunjae is going thru. v v imp for the plot. and no, this is not her imagination. jk and her daughter is very much real (lol someone texted me this theory and when I declined, they blocked me?? i am not going to eat you, people)

so yeah, I don't got anyth new to say, so stay safe catch you later xoxo <3