Dear diary,

It's been a while, isn't it? I'm sorry I was so busy with life that I forgot to write.

Well, that's just a lie.

I was avoiding writing because once I do, it'll finally sink in. I want to live without the realisation of it all.

Maybe I still can.

I can pretend everything is fine.

—  현재

Dear diary,

It has been ten days since the past entry.
I have this overwhelming sense of sorrow right now. That if I don't write it, I'll probably go crazy thinking about this.

I have two things, which one would you like to hear first?

I met my new therapist. I don't like him one bit. It's a man, and he makes me a bit uncomfy. He's so strange and it feels like he's the one who needs therapy more than I do.

I think he's a bit addicted to smoking too. I mean, I might be as well if I had to listen to peoples trauma and comfort them, but that's besides the point. I think I should tell dad about it though.

He put me on antidepressants.

See the thing is, I don't believe him.

Sure, I do feel anxious all the time, and this move has definitely had a huge toll on my health, but I'm trying my best. I don't think I'm depressed. I don't think I need medication.

I do sometimes go through phases of insomnia and if something stresses me, panic seizes my chest and I feel like the walls are closing up on me.

I've been practicing breathing exercises for it.

Remember Eunwoo? He told me about it. We were talking after school when he noticed my meds in my bag and casually asked me about it. I thought he'd shame me for it, but instead he told me he was also under medication. He had lost his father in a very traumatic car accident a year ago, and he told me meditation and breathing exercises helped him a lot with his anxiety.

We met a lot during the weekend, either at the park where he taught me the exercises, or at his home where we did homework together.

I have to admit, hes quite charming.

BESIDES THE POINT

I am prescribed antidepressents but I don't think I need them. It's not like I'm depressed. Just a bit anxious that's all.

You might think oh she's ashamed whatever - believe me, I'm not. I might have the most awareness about these things. But you know I just don't feel like it, yeah?

It's been first time in months that I'm enjoying my life. I like my friends, and home. I have a best friend, Karina, and Eunwoo and Jungkook and Wei and Yebin and mum and dad.

What else do I need?

— 현재

Dear diary,

Just yesterday when I said I avoid writing so that it would feel like it hasn't happened.

Well, you'd be devastated to know that I'm not going to write anymore.

I want to kill myself.

— 현재

Dear diary,

Don't you think it's laughable?
I named this notebook 'my beautiful memories' and now I think I've jinxed it, because my life has turned into a shithole.

You'd think, such a loser, she says she isn't going to write anymore, but keeps on, right?

In my poor defence, it's been fifteen days. I dunno, maybe this whole writing thing is my defence mechanism or something.

Oh also, will you look at that. I didn't kill myself.

:) :) :)

I'm going to cry over the same old things again, so don't hold your breath.

School has been tolerable thanks to my friends, but my grades have never been as bad. I just don't know how to learn science and math and all the other stupid subjects I don't want to study, in Korean. I'd be stunned if I got something above 45%.

I see the pity looks my friends give me. It's suffocating. I know I suck and that my chances of going to college are slim, but it's nice to not be reminded of it again and again.

I know I don't fit in. Sometimes I wish to tell them to stop rubbing it in my face.

I'm skipping medication; I'm sure that's no surprise to anyone. If my therapist has a problem with it, he can stick it up his arse.

Things are going surprisingly well with Eunwoo. He's being such a sweetheart with me, always sitting by me in class, hanging out with me after school, and even helping me with math, the subject he aces at.

Karina has gotten a boyfriend. He's a senior I have no clue about, and she says she's gatekeeping him, so that's that. I'm sure it's just the beginning phase and she might introduce me to him. I get it, it's the honeymoon phase and everyone's smitten with each other. She's stopped hanging out with me as much, so I just hope she's happy and safe.

I haven't heard from Jungkook this week. He's not come to hagwon, and apparently he hasn't come to school too. I'm a little scared, but I have more problems to worry about so it's not like I'm gonna call him and ask for his whereabouts. Puh-lease.

Oh, look, have you been holding your breath for some news?

Well, I'll give you fucking news.

Life at home is a mundane piece of cardboard. Dad has buried himself with work, and just to make matters worse in my life, mum got tested positive for tuberculosis.

Brilliant. I know.

The coughing makes sense now.

Why are these shitty things happening to me? It's extremely stress inducing and
I ALREADY HAVE ENOUGH OF IT CAN IT PLS STOP I'M SERIOUSLY DONE.

I screamed into my pillow. Thought it'd make me feel better.

It didn't.

Also because I'm done with every fucking person and thing in this fucking country, I'm going to sign with the name I like.

Not the Korean one.

Jesus Christ, I really hate this country.

— Isabel.

Dear diary,

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.

Fucking fuck.

I'm totally fucked.

— Isabel.

Dear diary,

If one more person asks me what's wrong looking at my dark circles, I swear I'm going to commit murder.

Everyone can go fuck themselves.

— Isabel.

Dear diary,

Eunwoo asked me out on a date.

I said yes.

I feel guilty because I've not done anything academically good to deserve it, but frankly, I've got no fucks left fo give.

What the fuck ever.

It's nothing serious, we're going to grab some ramyeon after school at a cvs before we need to depart for our respective hagwons tomorrow.

Exam season is fast approaching. I feel like I need to fake an illness to get out of it.

This time, I'm striving to score around 60 to 65% It's not something great, I know, but it's quite a leap from 45.

I told dad about Eunwoo and he wants to meet him.

Like please no. It's not like I'm getting married and he needs to have the talk with him.

Also I'm gonna get real mad at him if he tries to initiate the sex talk with me again. I'm sixteen for fucks sake, and we're not in the UK. The age of consent here is twenty. Don't you think it's a bit too much??????

Regardless, he told that I can catch STIs via my mouth too.

I mean, won't deny, I'd love kiss Eunwoo but not on the first date (I've already kissed him but let's not count that). And it's not like I'm going to blow Eunwoo at a cvs. Please. Dad needs to understand that although I'm a teenager, I've got a lot of decency in me.

Things are different here and plus I don't even think it's a date we're just eating ramyeon (NOT the sexual innuendo.)

— Isabel (still pissed off at this country)

Dear diary,

The date went well. We held hands and shared one straw for the drink.

It makes me giddy.

— Isabel.

Dear diary,

Mum was admitted in the hospital today.

— Isabel.