JEANNE

This is it. This is the time when I'm going to meet them. Him. I'm happy, I'm excited, I'm nervous, I don't know what to feel.

Today, I went to Apgujeong for Bangtan's fansign event. I stop to Jimin and so on. My bias is Taehyung.. I don't know but when I stopped at Taehyung, he is holding his phone before he entertained me.

I'm such an observant person so I noticed when he locked his phone, his wallpaper is like a long-haired girl with four collage picture together. Yes, it shattered me in to pieces. I haven't seen it well but it looks like that. But I didn't asked him about it first. I let him sign my album first,

"How have you been today?" I asked him,

"I'm totally fine," he answered, smiling like he always does,

As we talk for a while, that's the time when I asked him, "Who is that?" Nervous, I'm waiting for an answer,

"Who?" he said,

"On your wallpaper, I'm just curious." I answered, I know I don't have the right to ask but I can't help but to know the truth,

"Oh," then he just smiled and gave me a high-five until his cheeks went red!

So I think he's inlove with someone, but I have no idea. It hurts. It hit me, and then I realize my eyes are leaking. I don't know but I feel like I'm attacked, like I'm betrayed by someone.

For a second I feel like time stopped.

And then It came like rushing faster than ever.

I found myself in my room, writing a letter to him to add in my hundreds and hundreds collection of letters that's never been sent. But then I decided to send it this time.

Dear Taehyung,

One day, you just walked in to my life. And taught me lessons nobody has ever taught me before. I love you, I really do. It's not what I feel for you, but it's what I don't feel anyone but you. People may say that this is an obsession, but I know clearly that it isn't, because love is when all I want is for you to be happy, even if I'm not part of your happiness. I love you so much that no words can describe it.

But everything comes with a price. It hurts being your fan. It hurts that to me, you're that one star among a million shining ever so brightly, but to you, I'm just a nobody, among the crowd, getting unnoticed. Because of you, I feel insecure. Being surrounded by many other pretty girls, I know that I won't even stand a chance. I never be jealous, and I won't be proud, because love is not boastful, and love is not loud. I think it's my insecurities acting up, because I know I'm not the prettiest, the smartest, the most fun and exciting person you'll ever meet, but I know that no matter how long or hard you work, you'll never find somebody that love you as much as I do. When I imagine you with your partner, I can't help it but my eyes fill up with tears, because I love you. I love you so much, and sometimes I just wish you knew. Sometimes I get jealous thinking that someone else could make you happier than I could, but I had to face it, leave it all like that. What can I do? Nothing.

But I'm sorry, I don't want to live under a rock for the rest of my life. I want to be an ordinary girl. I want to have a boyfriend. I want a backhug from somebody I love. I want to cuddle and kiss like every other couple out there. I want to wake up and know that I love somebody else other than you, but someday, I have to get over it. I'll just have to stand up strong and walk away, I'll walk away with the memories you gave me. I'll walk away with the love you provided. I'll walk away, grateful to you for just being... you.

Someday, I'll see you with a wonderful person, and someday, you won't see me with a wonderful person, but I will be with a wonderful person.

So I just want to thank you, I want to thank you for the memories you have given me, the happiness you have given me, for the blessings you have given me. You taught me how to never give up, you taught me to believe in yourself, you taught me how to love, and you taught me how to let go. And for that, I'm grateful that I've known you in my life. I love you.

Love,
Your fan

Cry.

That's all that I can do at this time.

I always say that I'm going to marry a member of them, but realistically I'm not. The boys have fans everywhere, fans that are prettier, skinner, funnier, and less emotional fucked up.

I know I won't end up with him and I'm okay with that. I want to end up with the person who loves me for me, who makes me feel beautiful, who shares moments with me that feel like we're in a movie.

I want to be with someone who loves me as much as I love them, maybe that person is Taehyung.

But it won't.

Whoever I end up with, I'm still thankful for what they've done for me.

Sliding the piece of paper in the mail box, I sighed, breathing out the whole world that's inside me.

_____________

It's been three days since I sent my letter to Taehyung, expecting that he would write back. But why would he? I know I'm just one of the fans of millions.

As I make my way home, a postman stood in front of my apartment to give a mail that has been sent to me. I took it and then he leaves.

To Jeanne Louise Felix

I took a glance at it for a while until I realized who it was from,

Kim Taehyung

I was startled for a good second before opening it,

Dear Jeanne,

First of all, I would like to thank you for everything. Thank you for all the support and love. I know a smile and hundreds of words are not enough to show how blessed I am to have you in my life. I'm so lucky to have you.

I am too.

But why am I feeling that you have to give up on me? I know I don't have the right to be sad or mad but I'm really sorry, sorry if I let you down. But please stay. Stay with me because I'm nothing without you.

Don't be sorry, you don't have to be.

Sorry if I make you feel like non-existent. I'm sorry if I fail to notice you in the crowd, but remember, you will always have one, in a million places in my heart. Please don't feel useless to me. You, my dear, is a special part of my life and do remember that. Let us meet someday.

We already did.

Sorry If we I broke your heart when I dated or got linked. Everyone is a fan of someone. It's either my work or my feelings. If I hurt you, should I be sorry for falling in love? Then please forgive me.

I understand. Apology accepted. But please, don't force yourself to try to not to fall inlove with someone, ever. You deserve to be loved and to be in love.

But can you really stay with me forever? Can you still hold on? Can you not let me go? Can you promise me you will only love me more than anyone else? Because if we keep on holding on as an idol and a fan, we can never fall in love truly. I can't promise not to hurt your feelings due to my career and personal reasons. I know you can't also promise not to fall for someone someday.

I can't but I promise I'll remember you. I will.

So let's face it, we will go on our seperate ways years after. Own family, different lives from today. But I hope you remember me by then. The moments you shouted my name, sang our songs, and loved me, with the love i failed to give back. I may not knew you but i hope you know, we treasure our fans. We really really do. And we all love you.

-Taehyung

I'm a mess. I'm shaking like crazy.

And then again I feel like time stopped for a millisecond.

I feel like an emotional wreck. How come am I crying right now? Isn't it sad? How I cry for someone in front of my doorstep and weeping my tears so damn hard and feeling like shit.

But then again I'm happy.

And I feel awesome.

I feel free.

***

It's been a while now. I've got a career, a house, a husband, children. My posters were put away in my attic. My other merchandise is stored away in those cardboard boxes up there too.

So one day, I was on my way to work. I was listening on my favorite radio station. When I pull up the red light, the host says,

"So here's an oldie, to all men who's trying to get a girl so manly, maybe some ladies out there know this one, here's BTS."

And when I here those words, my heart stopped.

I couldn't believe it. Now the street light is green, signaling me to go but instead a little way a head, I pull over and just... listened.

"Boy In Luv, what a classic."

A flood of memories take over. Those days where I'd fangirl about anything BTS.

These memories, those precious memories. I just thought over all those years I'd love them. And when I've thought about it, I find it. I find myself with tears strain in for cheeks.

The song is over now and I've got to move on with my life.

But I can't.

I sniff and wipe the tears away.

"Taehyung.... we'll meet again."

~fin~

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