I was raped several times in 2020 over the course of about 5 months.

There's no nice way to put it and even if there was, I refuse to sugarcoat it for anyone. I had to go through it and I'm not afraid to tell anyone. I think that's what first sparked this whole journey for me.

I couldn't understand at first. I was angry. I cried and screamed at God. I didn't know why I deserved to go through what I did. And for a while I drew closer to God. I bought a Bible with margins that contained lines for note taking. I looked into Christian counseling and women's Bible studies. None of these things provided me comfort and instead I was left with more questions and confusion.

Now I know what you're going to say. Some girl is angry at God and turns away from him, big whoop she'll come back in no time.

I'm here to tell you that I thought the same thing for a while. I wanted to come back to God and I felt so guilty for straying. But the more I asked and prayed for answers, the more silence I got. Yes I was angry with God, furious even. But the more he ignored me the more I started to doubt that he was even there.

I go to a conservative Christian school, another decision I made to try and grow closer to God. Part of coming here means I am required to take Bible classes even though my major is in science. I was so excited the first day I sat down in my class on the Old Testament. Midway through the semester is when that seed of doubt reappeared.

I went to my professor, who is a doctor in theology and Christian studies, because I figured he would have all the answers. But whenever I asked a question I was ignored, brushed away, and told I was wrong for even thinking whatever I thought. This obviously led to a lot of frustration and fights with my professor.

For example, this is how a conversation would go;

"Hey Dr. ____, how do dinosaurs fit into the creation story?"

"God just put the bones there when he made the earth."

And end conversation. Do you understand how frustrating that is? I wanted answers. Detailed answers. It was clear I wasn't going to get them from my professor so I started my own research. Which led to a whole spiral of research and I now have read a lot of the Bible. And wow was I shocked and what I found. What I'm still finding. This research is ongoing and likely won't ever end.

This book will contain the questions I asked, answers the church gave me, and answers I found on my own. It will contain my own thoughts and mental struggle as I go through this process. It will contain random shocking things I found during my research.

I know some people aren't going to like this. I really don't care. Feel free to share your opinions in the comment sections, just don't be hateful. I can't say I won't be surprised if I get some hate comments. That is, if anybody actually bothers to read this.

I promise to be open to anyone else's opinions. I'm glad to hear everyone's thoughts on the subject because it challenges me and my thinking.

I also promise to cite all of my sources, just in case you have any doubts about where I got my research.