I'm good at ignoring what I want. That alone has got me this far. I can laugh with my parents because if this. I have friends because of this.

I was alright with ignoring myself to be able to know others. I was fine with it. I'd have no one if I never did this. I might not even be here today if I didn't.

Emotion is a very sensitive subject for me. The fact that I ignore what I'm feeling is the greatest contributor for that. It can feel like I don't even have certain emotions, but in reality I just never allowed myself to acknowledge them.

Like most kids, I always got in trouble if I displayed unfavorable emotions. If I got angry I would be spanked. If I cried I'd get yelled at. The times I wasn't yelled at those tears have been used to shape me into whatever that person wanted. I never really had a good shoulder to cry on. I just had people ready to form my every thought.

And I was ok with that.

The crazy thing is that my tears aren't actually mine. They're how I was taught to respond to a situation. I cry because it's what's expected of me at the moment.

My laugh is let out when people deems it appropriate.

Everything I did was because of others expectations. I didn't dare to live by mine, because it's much easier let others down than it is to let yourself, but I didn't know that living like that already caused me to let myself down.

Recently I've been selfish. I've started to acknowledge the feelings that I have. When this started I thought that it would be innocent. I was just figuring out who I like and what I am, but I didn't know that that would turn into me discovering myself. I didn't know that it would lead into this.

My selfishness doesn't stop there. Not only have I allowed myself to have genuine feelings, but I've stopped wanting to hide them. Isn't that hilarious? I've worked so hard to become a better person and now I'm just throwing that all away just to find myself. It shouldn't matter who I am. What I really think doesn't matter. I don't matter and that's painfully obvious.

I didn't gain the people I have by being myself. Even the people I've met online don't really know me. I let a few of you have glimpses of me, but who could possibly want that? People want the shy quiet person I appear to be. Not whoever the fuck I actually am. I'd lose everyone I have if I tried to be me, so why the fuck do I try to be me? I seem like a pretty shit person.

I want to strip down to my essentials. I want to rip off everything I'm wearing, lie down, and just be. No pretences. No fake emotions. Just me, but my body won't let me do that!

Dysphoria ruins all of that. My boobs make me feel like shit. I just want to tear them off and be done with it! I'm sick of how I feel with them! I can't even cover up, because then it feels like the entire world is on my back and I can't breathe. I don't want these layers to weigh me down, but I need them. 

My entire life is built on living how others want me to. I rely on what others say. I don't know how to listen to myself.

I have to deal with all of this just because I wanted to be happy. I was sick with being depressed all of the time, but this is a far different battle than what I expected. To be happy you have to know yourself and stop pretending to be someone else.

If I knew that then I would be chucked happiness out of a window a long time ago and lived like I always had. I don't want to deal with this bullshit.