Nico's pov
Trigger warnings: intrusive thoughts, hallucinations, SH scars

NEW FANFIC POSTED ON MY ACCOUNT!!!
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(Day 34)

"Drown yourself."

"Holy fuck, you are annoying."

"Just see how long you can hold your breath... if you can't hold it for 200 seconds your heart will stop—"

"Shut up," I groaned, grabbing my wet hair.

The bath was usually something that grounded me. A security blanket— it relaxed my mind and my tense body, and it helped me think. Usually it helped me think. Today seemed to be a exemption.

Or maybe, the bath was helping me think too well, to the point of intrusive thoughts flowing through my head like an unblocked stream. I couldn't escape Bianca; she followed me around, she poked at old insecurities, she breathed down my neck with imaginary hot air. The image of her was growing stronger by the day, and I wasn't sure how to rid myself of her. Ignoring her wasn't working. Talking to her was a past failure. Pushing her back made her pull me closer.
The real question was how long I could keep this up. How long I could stand it.

I couldn't see my patience lasting.

I sunk into the lukewarm bath water, and tried to think about Will. Will, who was outside the closed bathroom door, writing an essay. Will, who held me close after another nightmare the night before, until I finally fell back asleep. Will, who was balancing work and school and therapy and... me. Whatever mess I was.
Will, who did that without a single complaint. Because he thought I was worth it. He thought I was worth something.

"Drown yourself or Will will die before his assignment is due,"  Bianca was sat on the floor, giggling and dangling a limp hand. I refused to look over at her through anything but my peripheral vision. I didn't want to look at her glazed eye or peeling skin. Not again.

"That one wasn't even realistic," I gurgled through the water, my chin submerged.

"But you thought about it, didn't you?" She sneered, stretching her arms far above her head like her dead (and fake) body was sore. "You always think about it."

"Because you put it in my head," I shot back, pushing myself upright to glare at the shower head above me.

"I didn't do anything. This is all you, Neeks."

"You aren't convincing."

"YOU aren't convincing," she rebuked, tilting over with a fit of childlike giggles. How much older was I than Bianca, now? Six years? Seven.
Oh, how strange it was, to be older than your older sibling. To be taller than her image; to stare down at her but somehow feel young again.
When she was around, I felt like I was in elementary school.

"This is so stupid," I muttered, bowing over my knees to stare at the bottom of the tub. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't get rid of her. I was tired.

When was the last time I slept without a nightmare? It had been over a week. I ran out of my sleeping medication around the same time they started. Just my luck.

Sleep sounded like everything I wanted, and everything I feared. I didn't want to shut my eyes, because Bianca's face was behind them. I didn't want to keep them open, because she lurked in the corners of the apartment waiting for a new reason to torment me. I just couldn't win.

I was starting to feel sick, sitting in the cooling water, completely vulnerable and open for attack. I wasn't safe. Will was safe. 

I stood out of the water and pulled the plug, grabbing my towel and wrapping it around my shoulders. As I stepped out onto the bath mat, Bianca's image flickered and vanished like an apparition.
The closer to Will I was, the safer I was from her.

I shook my hair out and ran the towel over my skin as gently as possible, even though I barely felt it. I didn't want to scrub hard enough to feel and turn red. Will would worry. And probably make me moisturize.

When I was dry, I stepped in front of the mirror. I felt ok looking at myself now.

I pulled at a piece of my limp hair and pulled at it. Same hair as always, even if the tug felt distant.
I dropped my hair, just as Bianca appeared in front of me in the mirror with a manic grin of rotting teeth.

"Fuck!" I yelped, stumbling away, tripping over the end of the bath mat and hitting the back of my head on the wall. It thudded dully, and sent tingling pain down my forearms to my wrists and hands and fingers.
Bianca wasn't in front of me, but she was in the mirror. Staring back at me. Smiling back at me. But when I reached out, the air in front of me was empty. 

I scowled, pushing off the wall and rubbing the future bump on my skull. This was terrible. This was hopeless. What could fix this? Could I fix it? Could I be fixed?
Did I need fixed? Was I broken?

Will said I wasn't. Will said I was whole.

But this was wrong. No one could— I couldn't keep doing this. I couldn't keep fearing the empty air around me.

So, even if I wasn't broken, what could help me?

I didn't want to admit it, but I've known for days. Weeks. I needed my proper medication, even if that meant another round of experimentation. I needed therapy. I needed my parents and socialization. I needed to be proactive after hiding for long. What was I hiding from? Jenny? My doctors? Or was it the inevitable consequences and the future.
There was only so much hiding one could do. There was only so much borrowed time, and I knew I already passed my limit.
I saw the looks Cecil gave Will. I knew this break in life was over, I was just... afraid.

I wrapped my towel around my waist and opened the bathroom door, hoping to leave Bianca locked in the mirror, only to find Will on the other side of the bathroom, fist raised to knock.

His eyes were wide with worry and his jaw was clenched, but there was a hidden exhaustion in his face. In the darkness under his eyes. In the less frequent smile. In the pinched frown and chewed lips. In the slumped shoulders and twitchy hands.

Will had been trying so hard. He tried hard for me. He was trying to live his life while simultaneously living next to me to make sure I didn't... do anything I'd regret. In the last five days, Will had barely left the house. He had taken two shifts, but he rescheduled his therapy, and he had been skipping class.
He was afraid to leave me alone. Afraid to even leave me with Cecil, in case I reached a point no one but Will could talk me down from.

It wasn't healthy, what we were doing. This dance of pulling each other close and blocking out the rest of the world. Ignoring hallucinations was one thing. Ignoring responsibilities and consequences, opting for peaceful silence, and expecting it to last, was a hopeless delusion from the start. We lost ourselves— lost our sense of reality— for a taste of rest. And the rest wasn't really a rest, was it? It was fake. This whole fantasy we created wasn't real.

Will's eyes flickered down to my bare chest, and if it weren't for the topic I was about to bring up, I would have smirked.

"Hey," I breathed, rubbing the back of my head where the aching was clouded by a fog of worried uncertainty.

"Are you ok? I heard you shou—" Will started, but I interrupted him.

"Will, I need to go home," I pulled on my hair, trying to feel. Trying to feel something and make this real.

Will dropped his hand to his side and clenched it, face blank. Then his eyebrows twitched. And his mouth twisted. He was silent as he mulled his words over, but after a whole minute, or maybe hours, he only came up with, "What?"

"You know I have to go home," I repeated, tugging at my roots.

"But..." Will bit his cheek hard enough to flinch from it, and then looked down at my chest again. Not to look at it, but to look away from my face. "Are you sure you're ready?" He asked, but it sounded like he was asking himself.

"As ready as I can be," I confirmed anyways. I dropped my hair and reached out to snag the bottom of his shirt. Just to be in contact. To stop myself from drifting.

"Jenny..." Will grimaced, hooking his own finger on top of mine.

"Will be mad, but I'll take the blame," I finished his sentence. "I have to. This was all me."

"It was not all you. I did this too," he argued, frowning at my sternum. His shoulders were raising with shortened breaths. I didn't want to hurt him.

"It doesn't matter, I started it. I just—" movement caught my eye down the hall, where Bianca had appeared and started a lazy pacing circle, hands linked behind her back.

"Doesn't matter if you go home, I'll still be here," she grinned at the floor. I forced my eyes back to Will, like he was the only one there. Technically, he was the only one in the hallway.

"I just... can't deal with this alone anymore," I continued shakily. "I know I have you, and you've done everything you could, but it's... not enough. I wish it was, I wish I could stay, but I know I..."

"I know," Will whispered to the floor. I dropped my finger grip on the hem of his shirt and grabbed a handful instead, pulling him an inch closer.

"I feel like I'm losing my mind, Will. I can't... I can't do this anymore," I pleaded, but I wasn't sure who I was pleading to. "I need to go back, whether that's home or the hospital, I don't care anymore. I need... I need to try. I need to try something. I think I can try now." I pulled on his shirt again, and he finally looked back up at me.

"Nico..." he whispered, voice wet as his eyes watered and filled. I blanched as fat tear drops fell from his eyes and down his cheeks. He looked so tired.

"Wait, why are you...?" I asked, clutching his shirt uselessly. Will placed on hand on my wrist, and used the other to wipe his cheeks with his fingers.

"It's not you," he chuckled softly. "I'm sorry, it's not you, I'm just," he sniffed and rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand. "I'm tired, I'm sorry. I'm just so proud of you, and... and I'm—" he sniffed again, before his face crumpled.
He heaved with a sob, cupping a hand over his mouth to stifle the sound as his mind gave into the stress and tension of the last week.

I wasn't wearing a shirt, but I didn't really worry about that anymore. I dropped my hold on his T-shirt and reached for him, tucking my arms under his and wrapping around his ribs as he stuttered for a full breath. I pressed my cheek into the dip of his collarbone and squeezed him tight when his own hands fell on my bare shoulder blades, atop of old scars.

Will cried quietly above my head, but it wasn't out of anxiety or helplessness. It was exhausted relief, and he was exactly what he said. Tired.

"I love you, Neeks," he said wetly. "I'm sorry I couldn't be enough."

The apology shocked me into holding him tighter.

"You were always enough, Will. Do not apologize. You did everything you could," I reached up and smoothed his hair. "You were enough. You still are. I love you too. You're enough." I assured.

Will's body shook under my hands as he continued to cry tears built up over weeks. His fingers stroked over my back like he was giving me comfort, and it just made me press closer. I never wanted to let him go. I wanted him whole and safe and happy, and he wanted the same for me, but neither of us could be that without some time away. Couldn't be that while we hid.

I dropped my arms and looked up at him as he began wiping his face. "I need to put some clothes on. Then I guess... I have to grab some of my stuff?" I said. I thought I was handling this, but the prospect of packing and leaving had my bottom lip wobbling.

Packing meant leaving. Leaving meant change. And change was the future.
Everything was changing today. We had put the world on hold; we had stopped time, and in a couple hours, the clocks would start ticking again. The second hand was pushing us forwards.

"We can p-pack a bag with the clothes you like best, since you might..." Will trailed off and looked away, nose stuffed up and voice nasally.

"Go back to the hospital," I finished.

The admission sat heavy in the air as we both took deep breaths, trying not to cry.

"Will... will we be ok?" Will asked, expression pinched and lips folded in his mouth to keep from trembling. He was afraid, too, I realized. I wasn't the only one worried about the change. His tears weren't only relief. They were dread and fear as well.

I raised both hands to cup his cheeks, wiping his tears and the frown line between his eyebrows. "I think... I think so. This time, we will. I want us to be ok."

Will's face softened under my fingers, sighing into my touch and my words. He let his eyes drop shut as two more tears fell. "I want us to be ok, too."

And with that decided, I knew we would be.

How could we not be, after everything? After all we did to repair what I broke. We needed this. We needed each other, not just to distract from the hard times, but to make the hard times softer. We understood each other. Loved each other.

And we would be ok.

We left for Will's room, and packed one of his backpacks with my favourite clothes of his and mine combined, my book, and my empty container of sleeping meds to explain it's disappearance to Jenny.

After I was dressed and packed, I stood in the bathroom alone once more, staring at myself in the mirror and ignoring Bianca, who was somewhere behind me.

When I first showed up at Will's, I was a wreck. Now, a month and a few days later, I looked more... alive.

I had avoided the mirror for so long— long enough to notice the drastic difference and be unfamiliar with it.
My skin was warmer, from sitting in the sun whenever I could. My hair was starting to grow out again, after the nurses at the hospital cut it, and it covered my ears and was nearly in my eyes. I looked softer; my bones less pronounce under my skin and my cheeks sort of filling out. I was still small, under my baggy clothes, but I ate on my meal plan the entire time I was with Will, even if it was mostly liquid at the end.

I tilted my head up, to properly look at my scars for the first time. To take them in without panicking.

The four scratch lines were smooth again, no longer scabbed, peeling, or stinging. They were three shades darker and redder than my skin tone, yes, but Will said the lines would completely vanish within a year. As if it never happened at all.

I was... healing. Slowly, but there was a change. A noticeable change.

I couldn't tear my eyes away, when Will knocked on the half open door.

"Neeks?"

"Mhm?" I hummed, poking at my neck. Will pulled the door open and stared at me. I could feel his eyes on my face.

"Are you ok?" He asked, stepping closer. But he didn't take my hands away. He could tell my touch was different. Will could always read me.

"I think..." I dropped my hand and looked at him through the mirror. "I think I will be."

Will's eyes lit up with a smile as he stepped behind me, blotting out Bianca's figure. He wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me close, and tucked his head over my shoulder. He kissed me on the cheek, still smiling.

"You look so good, love," he murmured into my ear.

I felt my cheeks heat up and watched myself blush in the mirror. "Shut up."

Will chuckled, and it was still wet, but that was ok. He kissed me on the cheek again. And again. And a third time, like he couldn't help himself.

"All ready to go?"

"I think so."

"It'll be ok." He whispered.

"It'll be ok," I confirmed.

-

I hadn't been in a car in months. I hadn't been in a cab in even longer.
Will didn't have his mum's car, so we bundled up in the back of the yellow car with Will's backpack on my lap, holding our breath.

Neither of us knew what our consequences would be. There was no way either of us would be in legal trouble; I was an adult, so it wasn't like Will kidnapped me without consent, and Will knew from Jenny that the hospital would not press any charges. The real fear was the parental guilt. Jenny was bound to be furious at the both of us, and there was no way around that.

It wasn't long before we pulled up in front of Jenny and Carmen's house. My house. The house I haven't seen since That Night.

It stood tall, the way it always did, connected to another half to make a whole house. The neighbours car was missing, but Jenny and Carmen's cars were in the driveway. Carmen's car was fixed, after I crashed it.

"Ready?" Will asked, tugging on my hat so it covered my ears. It was cool outside, finally feeling like late fall. It was November now.

"I think so," I swallowed, staring at the door like it was going to be thrown open. Like they could feel my presence. "I think it'll be best if you stay here, at least at the beginning."

"Sure, I'll wait until you call me over, pay the driver and stuff," Will nodded stiffly, biting his lip.

"It's ok," I confirmed. When he nodded again, I leaned forward and kissed him on the lips, before opening the cab door and pulling my bag out behind me.

I felt robotic, walking up to the front door. This was it. This was the end of everything Will and I made since I ran away. It was terrifying, but it was good. It was good.

The door loomed over me, and it took me a whole minute to work up the courage to knock. My knuckles rapped loudly against the wood, echoing in the otherwise silent world. Time came to a skidding stop.

I held my breath, squeezing the straps of my backpack. I couldn't run away. Not again.

"Just a sec!" Carmen's voice called within the house, sealing my fate. She was coming. I couldn't leave. This was it.

I stared hard at the ground as the door swung open.

"He—," Carmen started her greeting, but interrupted herself with a sharp gasp, choking on air. I raised my head slowly, absorbing every detail as I stared. I hadn't seen Carmen in so long. The pyjamas she wore when she was off work for the day. Her thick socks and baggy shirt. Her wide brown eyes. She had cut her long hair short since I last saw her. It was bobbing above her shoulders. "Nico?" She breathed.

"...Hi," I greeted awkwardly.

Carmen's shock shattered, clapping a hand over her mouth and turning in the doorframe to scream, "JENNY!" Before grabbing me by the front of Will's hoodie and yanking me into a bone crushing hug.

I dropped the backpack onto the door step and wrapped my arms around her as well, pressing my face into the crook of her neck.

"What's wrong?" Jenny called from the second floor, and her voice alone had a choked sob rip from my chest, squeezing Carmen tighter. Jenny was my person, and I ran away from her.

"Are you hurt? Are you ok?" Carmen starting pulling at me anxiously, pulling away to grab my face and stare into my eyes the way Jenny always used to.

"Babe? What happened?" Jenny called again. Over Carmen's shoulder, who looked sick with grief as she held my face, I saw Jenny's legs as she started down the steps across from me.

"You're— you're here, Nico—" Carmen's eyes watered and pulled me into another hug, tucking my head over her shoulder just as Jenny came all the way into view. She stopped on the third last step, across the house, and stared at me with her mouth dropped open.

"Neeks?" She whispered, paling, but my throat had closed up, so I nodded.

I'd known Jenny for years. She was professional and clinical and fantastic at staying calm. Yeah, I'd seen her show every emotion, but it was always controlled. I had never seen Jenny break down.

Until now.

Jenny tripped down the last few steps as she threw herself forwards. Carmen looked back at the clatter and took a calculated step away as Jenny ran at me.

I barely had time to brace myself as Jenny slammed into me, wrapping her arms around me as she pulled me into her chest.

"Oh my god," she sobbed, one arm gripping my back and the other cupping the back of my head like she needed to protect me. "Oh my god, baby. You're safe, oh my god," Jenny weeped, clutching at me.

I sunk into her arms and tried to control my own tears. I was here. I was home. I was in my mother's arms.

When I wrapped my arms around Jenny's back, her knees nearly buckled she was crying so hard.

"Oh, god. Thank fuck. Nico, baby," Jenny wouldn't weaken her grip on me, a dam of tears running down her cheeks and into my hair as she pressed her cheek on the top of my head. Beside us, Carmen seemed to be laughing through her tears, a hand cupped over her mouth.

I let myself search for Jenny's heartbeat as she held me, and was unsurprised to find it pounding.

"Y-you didn't call, and it's been a whole month— where the hell— God, Neeks, I was worried fucking sick!" Jenny squeezed me with a flash of worried anger, only letting go when Carmen pressed a warm hand in between her shoulder blades.

"I'm sorry," I whispered into her cardigan, soft against my face. "I'm so sorry, Jen."

"I can't believe you're back, oh my god. Where— where the hell were—?" She tried to asked through her blubbering, but she couldn't finish her sentence. Jenny, the unmovable— unbreakable— force in my life, was holding me to hold herself together.

"I was safe, I swear I was safe," I pulled away, my wet cheeks sticking to her sweater. She held my shoulders and took a good look at me. Her wet eyelashes didn't blink as her eyes raked me, from the clothes to the shoes to my face and finally to my neck. Her eyebrows pulled together as more tears gathered in her eyes.

"Baby, what happ..." she choked out, her fingers reaching and hovering above my scars. Carmen, behind her, was already looking behind me at the cab.

"I... I hurt myself the night I ran away. I'm sorry," I whispered. "But I was safe the whole time— I- I couldn't bring myself to see you guys, I f-felt terrible— so I went..." I followed Carmen's eyes and turned back to the running cab, and Will's face in the window.

"What...?" Jenny looked with me. When her eyes caught Will's, her grip on my arm tightened. "Oh my god."

I turned back to her, pulling on her cardigan to get her attention. "Don't be mad at him. Please don't be mad. I stayed with him because I knew it was safe, and he wanted to t-tell you guys, but I didn't let him. It wasn't him, Jen, it was me, please be mad at me instead," I begged. Her cheeks were bright red and wet when she faced me, frowning like she couldn't figure out what emotion she was feeling.

Silently, she looked back at the cab and pointed at Will, before pointing at the ground in front of her. It was so natural, to see that parental disappointment in her, it reminded me that Will had grown up around with Jenny as his sort-of-aunt.

Will slid out of the car and shyly waved the cab driver away. He folded into himself as he made his way up the driveway.

When he walked up the steps behind me, his head was down as he waited to be yelled at.

"So Nico was with you the entire time?" Jenny asked, still holding my arms.
Will flinched, but nodded.

"Jenny, don't be mad at him, I was the reason—"

"Nico, it's fine, I deserve—"

"No. This was all me—"

"Both of you are in trouble, how about we leave it at that," Jenny interrupted, shaking her head. "Honestly, what were the two of you thinking?"

The two of us bowed our heads.

"I mean, it's not like we didn't assume," Jenny laughed, a little hysterically, pushing her hair out of her face. We both looked back up, necks cracking.

"What?" Will asked shakily.

"I mean, I wasn't positive," Carmen stepped in, wiping her eyes with the back of her hands. "At first I wasn't sure if you were lying about being ok or lying about something else entirely, I just knew you were doing a terrible job of hiding it, so we kinda came to the conclusion that you knew something."

I took one of my arms away from Jenny to elbow Will, but he grabbed my hand instead, and squeezed it hard.

"The police visit wasn't us, though we were told about it. It was a combination of the hospital and the police collaborating or something after you disappeared, but even when they found nothing..." Carmen shrugged and leaned on Jenny.

"So you knew?" I asked, feeling shaky.

"We didn't know for sure, but we... assumed," Jenny cupped my face carefully, her hands shaking, expression softening. "I'm so sorry you didn't feel like you could come home, baby. I'm so sorry."

Tears sprung to my eyes once more as I started shaking my head.

"I'm sorry I never called. I just... I couldn't..." Will squeezed my hand, triggering me to take a deep breath.

Jenny smiled softly, stroking my cheeks with her thumbs. "You look better."

"Will took care of me," I glanced over at him, where he was staring at me proudly. "He kept me on a meal plan and made me feel safe... and helped me with my scars. He made me feel good enough to come back. To go to the hospital and try."

Jenny's gaze shifted back to Will, and down to our clasped hands. She pursed her lips. "Among other things. It seems a lot has happened since we last spoke, love."

I pulled Will forwards a bit, enough that I could press into his side, and nodded.

Jenny bit her wobbling lip and shook her head weakly. "You idiots, I can't believe you," she chuckled, and then pulled me into another hug. "I was so worried about you, I'm just glad you're safe."

"I'm sorry. I understand if you're mad."

"Oh, I am so mad. But right now I'm happy you're safe. Tomorrow, after we spend the night hugging and watching movies, I will figure out your punishment. Probably like, washing my car or something. I don't know what a justifiable punishment is. Clean the bathroom," she laughed into my hair. "And then we will talk about what happened at the hospital."

I cringed at the thought, but I needed to tell her. I wanted her to trust me again.

"I'm ready to try, Jenny. I want to get better."

Carmen wrapped her arms around the two of us, and Will still held onto my hand.

And things were alright. They were going to change, but that was ok. Things were... ok. We were all ok.

A/n
Wowee! Next chapter is the epilogue!!? That's mf crazy.

4 years flew by holy crap.
That was emotional af lol

ANYWAYS EVERYONE PAY ATTENTION!!! NEW FIC IS UP!! Go look at "storms that pass" ON MY ACCOUNT!!! It's a merman fic :) it's really cool please read and tell me what you think :))

Love you all a whole bunch

Thea