Nico's pov
Trigger warnings: small panic attack, slight hallucinations, mentioned scars,
ITALIAN TRANSLATION AT THE BOTTOM
—
(Day 9)

"Cecil! Fammi mangiare!" I whined over the back of the couch at Cecil who was laughing in the kitchen.

Italian was fun. I had forgotten how much fun it was. When Bianca was alive, we almost only spoke Italian to each other. Once we came to America with my dad, it was like our own secret language when we were out in public together.
I guess my brain doesn't hate me that much, because fake-Bianca speaks English, so it never really tainted the language. I only stopped speaking Italian because I was shoved into foster care and I had no one to speak to. I never really lost it, the language was always there, it was just pushed into a far corner, deep in my mind. I was pretty good at speaking in full sentences again, after a couple days of practicing with Will and Cecil.
I think Will liked it. A lot. Whenever I spoke his face would turn hydrangea pink, and he would look the other way. It made me want to do it even more.

He was at work. He's been out since 11:00 and I kind of missed him. A little bit. He was like... a pinkie finger. Not super crucial if you lose it, but it nags at you and is a hassle to get used to it once it's gone. I didn't need Will right this second, but I wanted him.

That was hard to admit. I've only been staying at Will and Cecil's for 9 days, and I was already dependant on him. After hating him for so long. I liked when he sat on the couch with me, or when he humoured my Italian (unlike Cecil's whining), or the long stares when he thought I wasn't looking. I think I want to kiss him, again, too.
Not yet, because I don't think I am ready, but soon. I think. Maybe.

Ugh.

What we need to do is talk about boundaries. I've thought about it for days. I think does, too. We dance around each other, a duet of avoidance. There are so many hesitant fingers, and secret glances, and pretending to stay asleep in the mornings so you can stay in a heap of tangled limbs for a couple more seconds. Honeyed words. Tingling touches.

UGH.
I sound like a love sick sap. And I hated him two and a half weeks ago. Well, I didn't, but I thought I did. It used to be screaming and bleach filled hallways, sleeping alone and the repeated "I'll never trust him again". Now it was whispered good nights and coffee stained jeans, waiting for him to come home after work or class like Juliet waiting for Romeo at her window.

I pulled my knees up to my chest, cocooned in a throw blanket from Will's bed, pouting. Love is stupid.

"I'm going to pretend I know what you said," Cecil called back from the kitchen, cutlery and plates clinking noisily, echoing through the cool apartment.

It was another one of those cool fall days, overcast and dreary. Will and Cecil refused to turn on the heat yet, repeating the same "its not that bad, and it's expensive" excuse in unison. When I whined to Cecil earlier, he told me to "put on more clothes and use a blanket like a normal person". Cheap bastards.

It wasn't that bad, though. Will's blanket smelt like him, and being wrapped up in it felt like a hug. In the least sappy way possible.

The apartment lights were all on, battling the darkness from outside. It was midday, probably lunch time, but the sky was a ceiling of wet cement, dark grey and dripping. It had been raining on and off all day, leaving the apartment cool and damp, like a cloth on your forehead when you're sick, except all over your body and inescapable. Not that I can complain, I don't pay rent.

"Tu sei il mio schiavo!" I barked a laugh, resting my cheek on the back of the couch to look through the bar to the kitchen.

"Please piss off," Cecil replied, exasperated. He played along now, but he still whined about it, which honestly made it funnier. I am not sure when the light switch flicked between us, but we actually talked now, like friends. It sort of made me miss Sonny. I left his number at the hospital when I ran away, so I have no idea how to contact him. Whenever I sort all of... this... out, I wanted to find him again. Camilla, too. I didn't have friends for so long, and then I met people who cared about me and I left them all. Cut off communication. Isolated myself. What sort of friend does that?
If they didn't hate me, I wanted to talk again.
"You said you wanted fruit loops, right?" Cecil called over the counter, holding a mug of something or other.

"Sí sí! Con il latte d'avena!" I reminded him, even though he didn't understand me. I felt a smile pull at my lips when he puffed out his cheeks in irritation. I ducked my head and let out a laugh, the bandages on my neck sliding unpleasantly on the couch fabric. Will said I didn't need to wear them anymore, that the scabs were still dark, and still sensitive, but healed enough to not bleed if they broke. I decided that I still wanted them on. I didn't really want Cecil to see what I did to myself; I didn't want him to be disgusted by me, even if, realistically, he never would. Also, I still wanted to avoid looking at them myself. Will agreed that it was best to keep them wrapped for my sake, because he understood that it was triggering. He was just... good.

"At least I know what 'yes' means," Cecil rolled his eyes, opening a cupboard to grab a bowl, "I don't even know why I'm doing this. You know you can make your own cereal, right?"

"Mi piace darti ordini, è divertente," I replied, sliding back to face the tv that was sitting on Cecil's Netflix home. He was still trying to decide what to watch.
My body shivered against a cool draft, so I pulled the blanket closer. The air smelled like wet pavement and earl grey tea.

"Yes, of course," Cecil snorted unknowingly, pulling the fruit loops off the top of the fridge, "you probably don't make it for yourself because you're too short to reach the box-"

A loud knock rang out, making the both of us jump.
I looked back over the couch as Cecil frowned. He tossed the cereal box onto the counter.

"We weren't expecting anyone..." he mumbled, stepping up to the door. Whoever it was, they were interrupting my fruit loops, which was super lame.

Cecil leaned forwards with one eye closed, peering through the peephole, and I watched as his back tensed up, shoulders going rigid.
He leaned back, spinning on his socks to face me.

"Nico. Go to Will's room. Climb out onto the fire escape," he muttered lowly, calm and placid. It sent a jolt through my skin.

"What?" I peeped, in English, already trying to untangle my legs from the blanket.

"The cops are here, and I don't know why. Go now, fast," his voice was level, but the warning tone was stark.
Oh god. Fuck. The cops. He said the cops are here. It had to be because of me.

I launched forwards, running to Will's room that held the entrance to the fire escape.
As I shut Will's door as quietly as I could, as to not announce my presence, I heard Cecil call "one second!" To the cops, to hopefully give me more time.

I used all my strength to yank the window open, ducking under the white frame, scrambling out of it onto the black metal.
Once outside, I shoved the window shut, hoping the squeak of paint wasn't as loud on the inside as it was in my ears.

I began up the steps of the fire escape, hopping up two steps at a time in my socks, which became soaked the second I stepped outside. Will and Cecil's apartment was only on the 7th floor, and the building had 10 floors, but if I ran up a couple floors I probably would not be seen.
By the time I made it too the 9th floor windows my breath was short and my head was pounding. My veins were singing with adrenaline, making my skin feel like it was on fire against the wet air.
I wasn't very far away from Will's window, but there was enough distance to cover me if they looked outside, and if they looked outside, it was more likely that they would look down, rather than up.
I dropped onto a step, not caring that it soaked the oversized basketball shorts I was wearing.
I was sweating, and the perspiration clung to my skin and prickling unpleasantly against the October air. I started to shiver. My teeth began to chatter.

I needed to calm down. I was safe out here, and they wouldn't find anything bad in their apartment because the only thing traceable back to me was my sleeping medication prescription, which Will brought with him. I have never been so glad that he was over cautious.
I had nothing of my own in that apartment besides the sweaters that Will stole from my house. I was safe. I was safe. They wouldn't find me, Cecil wouldn't rat me out, I wouldn't be taken away. I was safe.

"They're going to catch you," Bianca's voice purred in the back of my mind, forever the voice of un-reason, "they will catch you, and Will and Cecil will get it trouble, and it will be all your fault."

I keeled over and pressed my eyes into my knees, cupping my hands over my ears like headphones. She had been quiet these past couple days.
She was still there, she always was, somewhere in my head, but she was quieter than normal. I hadn't seen her rotting face since I first arrived. I didn't want this stress factor to pull her back.

For the first time in months, I used Jenny's techniques to push her away. To shove her voice out of my ears, to get rid of her face in my mind.
I was safe up on the fire escape. I was safe, and they wouldn't find me, and Bianca is not real, and Will will be home soon enough, and I am safe.

I sat, hunched over on my knees, repeating that mantra, for half an hour. I didn't notice that it had started raining until I heard Will's window squeaked open below me, the familiar sound of paint on old paint rubbing together jolting me out of my reverie.

I blinked against the sudden brightness. My hair was plastered to my head and my shirt was now a second skin. I was cool to the touch and shivering. It must have started to rain when I was calming myself down.

I held myself still, waiting for the sign of the cops storming the fire escape to grab me and pull me back to the hospital, kicking and screaming. I had nowhere to go except up to the roof, and from what I knew from Will, the roof door was locked. I was trapped.

"Nico? You there?" Cecil called out into the rain instead instead of stomping boots on wet metal.

My shoulders dropped in relief. I may have thought otherwise last week, but I knew now that Cecil would not hand me to the authorities. If he was calling for me, that meant it was safe to go back inside.

"Here," I replied weakly, grabbing the railing with a steel grip and hauling myself up. My legs shook, but held my weight.

"They left five minutes ago, get in here or you'll get sick," he ordered, and yet I could hear the worry in his words. I nodded, even though he couldn't see me, and made my way down the steps, one at a time. I couldn't help but feel like I was walking to my funeral, even though Cecil assured that we were safe.

"M' comin'" I murmured, socks squelching. I don't think any part of me was dry at this point. My ass was basically an ice cube. My toes were frozen through.

My feet were the first thing the Cecil saw when I arrived at the window before I crouched down to face him.

"Jesus," Cecil huffed out a laugh, "buddy, you're soaked, oh my god," he shook his head and stepped back so I could crawl inside. I hesitated.

"They're gone?" I assured, biting my lip. I pressed my fingers into the window frame and held onto the pain as it dug crescents into my skin, grounding me.

"They are, don't worry," Cecil nodded.

"Were... were they here for me?"

"I think so," Cecil admitted, "but it doesn't matter now, get in here."

"Do you think they'll be back?" I asked, sitting on my ass so I could slip my legs inside the room. I landed on Will's hardwood floors with a wet smack.

"I don't think so, you got out before they came in, and there was nothing material of yours in the house, so they only saw the blanket on the couch and Will's messy bed," Cecil nodded at Will's bed, the blankets thrown back, sheets tangled. I tried not to blush. "There was nothing suspicious in the house, there is no way they would know."

"Ok... ok," I sighed. My body shivered, as it was finally aware of the cold, drenched clothes I was now sporting.

"God, Nico, look at you. Let me get you a couple towels, don't move," Cecil held his hands out in a 'stay' motion before leaving the room.
I stood in one place, not wanting to spread the water dripping off my hair and clothes, trying not to let the embarrassment eat me. Cecil basically had to coax me out of the cold like a stray cat. A drowned stray cat.

Cecil returned with two towels, shoving one at my chest and tossing the other, lighter one over my head, blinding me. I huffed a light laugh, which probably sounded more pained than amused, dropping the big towel and using both hands to rub the small one over my hair.

Only then, with the shift of my arms and head, did I notice that my bandages had also been soaked.

Wet bandages were bad. That was how bacteria grew, I knew that much.

"Oh, fuck," I frowned, freezing with both of my hands on my towel covered hair.

Cecil was standing in front of me with a smirk, arms crossed, but my curse made his smile drop with an owlish blink.

"What's wrong?"

"Oh, um," I looked down, continuing my hair drying process, "well. It's just that my bandages got wet, and I don't really know how to change them on my own. I've never done it."
I flushed at my feet, feeling particularly useless. I had become so dependent on Will helping me with things, I never assumed that I would need to do it without him. I'm sure it wouldn't be that hard, but I would probably need a mirror, which meant looking at it myself, which meant a possible panic attack without Will to calm me down. It was a slippery slope I did not want to activate.

"Hey, Nico," Cecil said, grabbing my attention, "I know I'm not Will, and I know you don't want me to see whatever is there," he continued bluntly, picking the big towel off the floor, "but I also know that you seeing would probably be worse than me, right?" He cut straight to the point, only softening the blow by draping the big towel over my shoulders.
I nodded. He was right, of course. I had just been thinking the same thing myself.
Cecil and I had a weird relationship. We only knew of each other for the time Will and I were dating, barely exchanging words. When I first arrived I avoided him, not wanting to talk at all. Now, all of a sudden we were friends, joking with each other.
I forgot, over the few days of teasing, that Cecil was kind and good at handling... stuff like me. He was Will's best friend when Will was doing badly in high school. He knew how to help people without acting awkward. If anything, I was the weird one.

"Right," he nodded back, "if you want, I can help you, fast and easy."

I bit my lip, frowning.

"Just don't stare," I finally responded. Cecil was trustworthy. He wouldn't get weird, I don't think. I hope not. But it was better him than me.

"Of course not, princess Di Angelo," he rolled his eyes, yanking the towel back off my shoulders and placing it on Will's bed, "Sit. Do you need me to reapply them or just take them off?"

I sat, resisting the urge to stick my tongue out at him.

"Will said I don't really need them on anymore, and you probably don't know how to do it like he does..." I trailed off.

"Yeah, yeah, I get it, I don't have magic hands," Cecil rolled his eyes, obviously trying to keep it light. I huffed, but I was relieved. "I'll take em off, and then you need to get the fuck out of those clothes. I mean it, you're gonna get sick."

I rolled my eyes right back, lifting my head for him to have better access like I do with Will.
The joking glint left Cecil's eyes as he bent over, concentrating on the task at hand.

His fingers were not as gentle or careful as Will's, but he tried his best as he undid the bandages. I looked away from his face when they finally fell away, instantly dropping my head so that the scratches weren't in view, but I couldn't help but sneak a curious glance back at him. To see if he meant it when he said he wouldn't stare.

Just as promised, Cecil was already standing up and bunching the bandages in his hands, looking at my face, not my neck.

"All done. I'm gonna go throw these out, get changed. If you get sick Will might throw a tantrum," Cecil joked, walking out of the room.
The door shut with a polite click, and I was sitting alone on the bed.

Anticlimactic.

I blinked, and then shivered again, which urged me to Will's closet. I shucked off the wet clothes, dumping them in a pile on the floor, and climbed into a pair of large sweatpants and a hoodie, the hood over my ears, aching from the cold.
I slipped on a pair of socks and decided to crawl into Will's bed, after adding the towels to the pile on the floor. It seemed safer than being out in the open. And warmer.

I was yanking all of the blankets up to my chin when Cecil came back to the door with a soft knock.

"Yeah?"

"Can I come in?" He asked.

"Yeah, sure," I propped myself up on my elbows, not wanting to look as pathetic as I felt.

He entered with a bowl of rainbow circles in a pool of oat milk.

"Your fruit loops, sir," Cecil smiled, placing the bowl on the bedside table. I frowned at him with a raised eyebrow. "Because you didn't get them earlier, also," He held up a finger and left the room.

I stared at the door, unmoving, until he came back with his laptop and a steaming mug.
"I've heard that you're a child who likes hot chocolate, and I can respect that," he nodded.

"Hey," I whined weakly as he placed the mug on table next to the bowl, and then dropped the laptop on my lap.

"You can watch something on here until Will gets back and you can steal his electronics instead," he said nonchalantly, spinning to leave. He paused at the door, smacking the frame. "Need anything else?"

I was already overwhelmed. He was being so... nice. Did I really deserve it?

"No... but. Thank you. A lot. For everything," I murmured uncomfortably. Cecil just smiled.

"Don't mention it, dude. You're basically my second roommate now, and I take care of my friends. You don't have to thank me," he explained, "call if you need anything, ok? Do you want me to call Will?"

"Do you think he's busy?" I asked, already starting to feel warmer.

"He's supposed to leave work in half an hour, I'll call and see if he can leave earlier, yeah?" His fingers were tapping a rhythm on the door frame, but I couldn't discern what it was. It was easier to focus on that than his stare, though.

"Yeah, Mhm, ok," I nodded, pulling up to a sitting position so I could eat and watch something on Netflix.
Cecil smiled and closed the door behind him.

-

Will couldn't get off early, according to Cecil, but 40 minutes later, when I was done with my food and drink and lying in bed in a blanket heap, I heard the front door slam open.

I paused the Netflix movie I was watching to eavesdrop.

"Where is Nico?" Will asked frantically, probably to Cecil, who was in the living room.

"In your room. He's a little freaked out, but he's ok," Cecil dismissed calmly. I envied his demeanour.

"Have you checked on him?" Will snapped. Even I flinched at the tone of his voice. He probably panicked as much as me at the news.

"Of course I did, Will, I'm not a fucking idiot," Cecil replied. I chuckled into the blanket over my mouth. Only Cecil could defer an anxious Will.

There was a beat of silence where Will probably relaxed.

"I know, sorry. I'm sorry," he said, "do you think they noticed anything?"

"If they did, they didn't tell me or act like it, so it's probably fine. Who do you think tipped them off?"

"No idea... maybe Jenny? I wasn't exactly calm at her place."

"Jeez, man, you have to work on your acting," Cecil laughed, but it pattered out quickly.

"You don't want to back out, do you?" Will asked quietly, almost too quiet for me to hear, which was probably the point.

"No, no. Nico is one of us, I wouldn't hand him in," Cecil paused, "but. It's stressful, you know? Just... go check on him, make sure he's ok."

I clicked play on the computer and pretended to be immersed in the movie as footsteps drew near.
Will knocked once on the door in warning, but opened it right after, throwing his bag to the floor.
He grabbed my eyes as I paused the show (again, but he didn't need to know) and looked me up and down for signs of panic.

"Hey, Neeks," Will finally sighed, entering the room.

"Hi," I croaked in response, my voice obviously not wanting to cooperate. Will walked over to the side of the bed and leaned over me, brushing the hair back and pressing his palm to my forehead. I tried my hardest not to lean into the touch, savouring the feeling. He sat on the bed next to me, dipping the mattress.

"I heard you had to sit in the cold for a while," Will mentioned, dragging his palm to my cheek. I wanted to turn my head and kiss it, but I didn't.
Cecil and Will must have texted before Will got home, because I didn't overhear them talk about that.

"Just for a little bit, I'm fine," I shrugged, sitting up, the hood of Will's sweater falling off my head.
Will was smiling softly, worry in his eyes, but the smile turned into a frown, eyes dropping.

"Your bandages are off?" He asked, eyebrows lifting beneath his hair.

"Oh, yeah. They got wet when I was outside, so Cecil took them off for me," I explained, fidgeting. I wanted Will home all day, and now that he was I didn't know how to ask for what I wanted.

"Oh, good," Will was obviously surprised, but he didn't voice it. We sat silently for a moment. I think he could tell I wanted to talk, and he was waiting for me. He always waited.

"Will?" I started carefully.

"Yes?"

"Can I... can I have a hug? Please?" I asked, looking at my hands, kind of wanting to dig my grave. The bed shifted, and I thought that maybe he was leaving me, but when I looked up, he had only adjusted and opened his arms.

"Of course, Neeks," he smiled. I didn't even hesitate, pulling out of the blankets and dipping into his hug.

His arms wrapped around my waist snuggly, pulling me close as I tucked my head into the junction of his neck and shoulder, nuzzling my forehead into the fabric of his shirt. He smelt like Coffee and a hint of the cologne he sprayed this morning, and he felt like the sun, and I finally felt warm after sitting in the rain.
After a minute, Will started to rub his hands up and down my back, and I just about melted in his arms. I kind of wanted to cry, emotion welling in my throat like bile.

Will, because our position was awkward, ended up shifting us so that he was sitting with his shoulders and head propped up by a pillow, and I was splayed over his chest. My arms were tucked under him, my ear pressed to his heart, and his fingers were tracing up my back in words I couldn't recognize and spirals of no pattern. At some point he had pressed play on the laptop, but it was only background noise for our breaths and his heartbeat.
I felt calm. I felt like I was home. How sappy and cheesy was that?

Cecil would probably have to leave soon, which meant he would need his laptop back, but I didn't want to move. I didn't want to get up, ever again.

"You don't have to leave again today, right?" I mumbled, curling my fingers into his shirt. His fingers on my back stalled, before they started to twirl again. I wanted those fingers on my bare back, not over the thick hoodie fabric, but I didn't know how to voice that want. I think I was just touch starved.

"No, no. Don't worry," Will soothed above me, his heart beat picking up with every inhale and slowing with every exhale, "I actually went to therapy this morning, though."

"Oh?" I hummed, "with Jenny?"

"No, of course not. Well, uh. I guess you can assume I haven't been doing super great recently, so Jenny found me someone new to see, and they seem really great," he explained, almost sheepishly.

"That's really good, Will," I smiled on his chest, hugging him a little tighter. Under my ear, Will's heart beat sped up.

"I just... hm," Will mumbled, and then paused the movie. I could feel him tense up under my hands and chest, which made me tense up. Will's hands slid away from my back, and I almost whined at the loss, if it weren't for the anxiety choking me up.

"Nico, can we... I think we should talk about boundaries," Will started, sitting up under me. By default, I started to rise as well, until I was sitting on his lap with my hands at my sides, clenching and unclenching. I knew we had to talk about boundaries, but I was completely content with cuddling and no... I don't know. Label.

I nodded for Will to continue nonetheless.

"Ok. I don't want to be blunt, and I don't want to scare you away, but I just... I don't know where I stand, and I don't want to do something by mistake and potentially, I don't know. Hurt you," he sighed and ran a hand through his curls, "if we could talk about it for like five minutes and then forget that it ever happened, I would feel a lot better."

I fidgeted in his lap. It wasn't the position I expected to be in when we had this talk, but I also wanted to lie back down when it was over, so I was stuck here.

"No, I think you're right, I guess," I nodded, "it's just awkward. And kinda scary."

"I know," Will agreed with a small chuckled, "just... tell me what you want, I won't disagree with anything."

I sat quietly for a moment, considering. What did I want? I knew that I wanted Will to be home with me. I knew that I liked it when he helped me; when we ate meals together; when we slept together at night; when he touched my hair. I knew that when I was lying on his chest, I wanted his hands on my bare back, just to feel closer to him.
I knew that I hated him for a long time, and now I didn't hate him.

"... are we still dating, Will?" I asked instead, not wanting to embarrass myself out loud.

"Do you think we are?" Will countered, raising his hands to my waist and hovered there until I nodded in permission.

I thought about that again. Whenever I thought about it, it was always the question of whether he thought we were dating or not, not what I thought. Not what I wanted.
Did I want to date Will again? If it was like what we were doing right now?

"I did miss you. I said that I didn't, but I did. A lot," I started, focusing on Will's hands on my waist, "I think.... I think I still want to be with you, if you want that, but I don't think I can... jump right back in, either. If I am being honest," I murmured. Will's face broke open and granted me the sun.

"I do want that, Neeks," his smile kept growing, "and of course, I wouldn't do anything you didn't want. Am I ok doing this, though? The cuddling and the... touching?" He wrinkled his nose at the wording, but his grin was stuck to his mouth. His jaw would probably start to ache if he kept this up.

"Uh. Yeah, I like this," I nodded, hoping I wasn't blushing as much as the heat in my face warned.

"Ok then, nothing more than this, just let me know where we stand and what you're ok with, yeah?" Will was smiling so hard I could feel my own lips quirking, even after that train wreck of an afternoon.

"I will," I nodded, poking his shoulder, "now lie back down, I was comfy," I tried to sound confident, but it sounded meek in my ears. Will chuckled and obliged anyways.

When I was back on his chest, breathing in sync, his hands made their way back to my back. I swallowed and tossed my dignity away,

"Will?"

"Yeah?"

"Could you, um. Put your hands on my back?" I winced at my poor wording, but Will nodded. His fingers met the hem of my (his) hoodie and snuck underneath, butterfly light.

"Like this?" He asked, unphased by my request.

"Yeah," I sighed as his warm hands met my spine. I was right, it felt as good as I thought it would. The tips of his fingernails trailed pleasantly across my skin, his fingertips soothing the light scratching, and-

Someone knocked at the door. Will's hands froze.

"Hey, can I have my laptop back? I have class to get to!" Cecil called through the closed door.

I muffled a laugh into Will's chest.

—
A/n

Only I could write CHAOS and tooth rotting fluff into the same chapter. The first part with Cecil and the last part with Will made my heart hurt SO GOOD MMMMM I loved it this chapter was so fun to write.

Anyways here is the Italian, in order
- Cecil! Make me food!
- You're my slave
- Yes yes! With the oat milk!
- I like to order you around, it's funny

Once again, let me know if I translated it wrong!

ALSO WRITING ABOUT CECIL AND NICOS FRIENDSHIP MAKES ME WANT TO CRY ITS SO WHOLESOME.

Ok that's all I love you guys

Thea