Nico's pov
Trigger warnings: panic attack, accidental self harm, hallucinations, mentions of drug use, mention of eating disorder, dissociation, intrusive thoughts
—

Sonny was leaving, and I didn't know what to do with myself. He was only with me for 2 and a half weeks, yet somehow he had become my only friend. He made living in the psych ward bearable.
Don't get me wrong, I was happy for him, I just knew I wouldn't have a roommate like him ever again.
I was going to be completely alone.

During my first two months in the hospital, I was used to the loneliness. I wanted it. I ignored people on purpose. The isolation was comforting.
Sonny squeezed his way into my life, and reminded me what it felt like to be comforted by someone (who weren't your parents) and just talk about things that are meaningless. It was so easy.
Now that he was leaving, I was starting to remember the lonely ache I had before he came. I hadn't even realized there was an ache until now.

I didn't want to be completely alone again.
I didn't want Sonny to leave me in this place.
I didn't want to be here.

"Nico? Nicooooo? You dead?" Sonny snapped in front of my eyes. It was breakfast, and I promised myself I would stay out of our room until he left after lunch. Spend my last few hours with him with nothing in the way.

"Not dead, just thinking," I murmured, stabbing my bacon with my spoon. It's been over a week since I was threatened with the tube, and I have been trying my best to do everything they want me too. I've gone up three pounds, which is good, I guess. My stomach hurt all day every day though.

"About me of course, right?" He laughed, stabbing me with his fork. He was allowed forks because he actually tried to behave in here. Metal spoons are stupid.

"Ah! Help! He's stabbing me with his fork!" I half heartedly shouted. Jane or whatever-her-actual-fucking-name-is was watching me eat a few feet away and just rolled her eyes at us.

"Watch it di Angelo, you trying to jeopardize my one way trip out of this place?" He stabbed my shoulder again, sticking his tongue out at me.

"That's exactly what I'm trying to do," I said lowly, and then clutched my shoulder dramatically, "HELP! Jane, I think I'm bleeding, call the paramedics! He's off his rocker! Insane! Don't let him back into the real world!"

Jane laughed and walked away. What a load of assholes in this place.
Sonny on the other hand was leaning over the table, laughing so hard there were tears in his eyes. I pouted and glared at Jane.

"It's funny..." Sonny heaved, "because you're the insane one... I could have actually been stabbing you and they wouldn't even realize...." he wiped his eyes making me pout more.

"Shut the fuck up, you're a fucking crack addict," I leaned away from my plate, crossing my arms.

"Excuse you, I have only done crack a few times. I thought you knew me," Sonny placed a hand over his heart.

"Nico, eat your food," Jane snapped, suddenly behind me again. I jumped, which made Sonny laugh again.

"Yeah nico, eat your food," he mocked. I glared and threw a grape at him. He caught it in his mouth with a smile.

"Nico, don't give away your food," Jane snapped again.

"UGHHHHHH," I groaned, and then dramatically slammed my head on the table. Sonny barked a laugh and Jane sighed.
"You just don't know how to have fun, buzzkill."

"Yeah, buzzkill," Sonny mocked. I sat back up and grinned.
Jane shook her head, probably fed up with me.

"Just eat your food. Please?"

"Fine, fine. I'm eating," I spooned my bacon piece into my mouth, even though it was unreasonable. She left, probably wanting to transfer to a different patient.

I finished up my meal and sighed dramatically. I gave Sonny a sideways glance and saw him waiting for me to speak.

"It's gonna suck around here without you..." I finally stated. Sonny's eyes widened momentarily but his quickly smirked. He knew he won me over.

"Well, obviously. I'm the life of the party," he stood up and walked behind my chair. I turned to look at him but he yanked my chair back, making me lurch forwards.
"Get up dickwad, I wanna play table tennis with you at least once before I leave."

—

A few hours later Sonny was taking his leave. I was upset, to say the least.

I had never done so much in one day since I arrived here. I played table tennis for the first time, and we played 5 games because we were both competitive. We socialized in the tv room and even did an art class before lunch. He joined me for my third meal of the day (and his second because I needed to eat 6 meals) and by two o'clock, he was leaving.

I wouldn't have a roommate, a friend, or someone to fill up my time. I'd be empty again. Alone.

Big load of shit in my opinion.

We were in our room, soon to be my room alone. He was packing, and I was contemplating my life choices. How was I supposed to pass however many more months alone? Camilla probably forgot about me at this point. Rudy and Wesley probably didn't know I was in here. Sonny was free to go. I pushed Will away so much that he was going to stop trying. He was going to move on.
I know I hated him, but the thought of him moving on to someone else made me want to vomit. Maybe I really was making my recovery worse. Maybe.
Probably.

I pushed the people I care about away. Now I had no one.

"Hey Nico, I don't think I ever wore this shirt around, do you think it brings out my eyes?" Sonny lifted a white shirt to his face that had two cartoon bright red eyes with a joint in between.
I snorted,

"Yes, makes them look great, you should wear that around here more often," I nodded thoughtfully.
He shrugged and shoved it into his bag that his parents dropped off this morning. They came when we were still asleep with a bag and a signature to let him out. Didn't stop to say hello to Sonny though. I don't think they called him once while he was here. It made me sad. Sonny deserved more than distanced parents that didn't care about his well being.

"I'll be back soon enough. I've got plenty of more time to flaunt it around here," he shoved the rest of his clothes in his duffel bag facing away from me. Sonny knew he would be back. He wasn't even going to try to stay out of here. I don't know what was worse; that his parents didn't care, or that he didn't. He was fully aware he would go back to drugs, go too far, nearly die and then end up back in here.
If I ever got out of here, I don't think I would let myself touch any drug. If I was going to let myself get better, I would have to be very very good.
I guess you could say Sonny was making me realize my own mistakes, but it didn't make me feel better. I cared about Sonny now, whether I liked it or not.

"Sonny..." I thought out loud as he packed, "are you going to, I don't know, try and get better?"

He didn't turn around to face me, but he squeezed the handle of his bag.

"I don't know... not like there's any other way that helps all... this," he gestured to his entire body. I slumped. Sonny may act fine, but he obviously needed help. I couldn't do a thing about it stuck in here.
"It's not like there's anyone stopping me, y'know?"

Sonny finally turned around and smiled. It was fake. I could tell it was forced.

I stood up and hugged him without warning. I don't normally like to hug people unless I'm close with them, but I think this was warranted.
Sonny chuckled and patted the top of my head as if I was the younger person here.
He eventually hugged me back, so I let go and punched him in the shoulder. He immediately grabbed the wounded shoulder and dropped his jaw in shock.

"What was that for? What happened to 'I'm gonna hug you now' Nico from 5 seconds ago? I liked him better," Sonny complained.

"I just want you to stop being an idiot. You don't need to come back here for me," I glared at him, "stop being a dumbass and work on yourself."

Sonny smiled genuinely then, and nodded.

"Fine, I'll work on it," he replied honestly. Then his eyes lit up and he skipped out of the room. I stood there, unsure of why he left. I was about to leave and see where he went when he bounded back in with a crayon and a piece of scrap paper from the art room. He must has sprinted there and back.

"Wha-"

"Shut the fuck up nico, I'm concentrating," Sonny shot, leaning on his bedside table as he wrote something on the paper. He then stood up quickly and shoved it at me. I was slightly startled, and had to ground myself before looking at the paper properly.

The ripped piece of paper had a phone number written in hot pink with a little - Sonny :), next to it. I shook my head and laughed.

"What?" Sonny smiled a sideways smirk, "you'll get out soon enough. That's my phone number so we can still talk outside of this place. Call me whenever you want, ok?"

"You're stupid, of course I'll call. If I ever get out of this place that is."

"'Course you will, stop acting like a depressed old man."

"How do you know I'm not a depressed old man?"

"Oh I-"

"Sonny, your cab is here to take you home," the nurse (Jane?) was at our door. Sonny and I both slumped considerably.

"Ok, yeah, I'll be out in a sec," Sonny nodded. He shouldered his duffel bag and then turned. He promptly punched my shoulder, his smirk telling me it was pay back.

"See you soon, Di Angelo," Sonny smiled, all teeth, genuine.

"Soon enough," I smiled back. He shoved my shoulder again so that I flopped back onto my bed, and then he walked out.

I can't say the hours after that we're very good.

—
(Trigger warning: panic attack and unintentional self harm)

Will.

Will would know what to do in a situation like this. He would take me by the shoulders and stare into my eyes, making sure I wouldn't look away. His mouth would move slowly and deliberately as he whispered to me, afraid that if he spoke too loudly it would startle me. He would brush my hair out my eyes with fingers as soft and comforting as a baby's blanket, and tuck it behind my ear gently. Then, after asking if I was ok with it, he would envelope me in his arms. My cheek would press against the shirt on his chest, and the sound of his heart beat would regulate my breaths. We would stand, heart beats and breaths in sync for as long as I needed to relax. And then, once he was positive I was calming down, he would make us tea and wrap us in blankets. Kiss me on the top of my head, or my nose, or my cheek, or my ears, or my closed eyes. Anywhere but my mouth unless I told him I was ok with it, in case it overwhelmed me. He would turn off the lights, so that only natural light filtered into the room, and hold me close to him. He might play with strands of my hair, tugging them gently, or draw circles on my back.
Will knew how to take care of me when I was like this. Will was the only person that could fix this.

There were a couple issues with that revelation. First of all, I was stuck in a mental hospital. Second of all, I told every nurse and doctor in my vicinity that he was not allowed to see me.
Third of all: I am pretty sure I have gone deaf and blind in the last fifteen minutes.

I had been sitting on the end of my bed, parallel to my dead sister. She sat on the floor in front of me, skin falling off of her body, hair in clumps, an eye missing, the other one glazed over. When she opened her mouth, her teeth were chipped and falling out. She grinned nonetheless.

We were just... talking. I don't know why it affected me today. We had been talking like this for months now, there was nothing different, nothing until-

"How do you feel, being completely alone again? With no one but your thoughts... with no one but me?"

My ears began to ring, like the night with the gun, except so much worse. I've had a slight ring in my ear ever since that day, a constant buzz no matter how hard I pressed my hands over my ears. The doctor said that it was normal, that I had hit my head the same time the gun went off, and that combined with my past head injuries caused minor tinnitus.
This was not minor tinnitus- I couldn't even hear the sound of my own breathing. Speaking of my breathing, I couldn't. My throat had completely closed up. I kept trying to swallow the spit gathering in my mouth, but it wouldn't go downs and I ended up choking on it. I gagged, and began coughing violently.
I keeled over, hacking and clawing at my neck, tears collecting at my eyes and spilling onto my cheeks. I couldn't swallow, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't hear. I coughed into empty air, raking my nails across my neck. They were long enough that dug into my skin and broke the top layers.

My eyes flew open as I coughed and gasped, but I couldn't see. My vision was crowded with black spots, and shrinking by the second. It was like I was looking through a keyhole.
I scrambled across my bed, half blind, and grabbed for my plastic cup of water on my bedside table. I fumbled it, spilling water over my hands, and then took a big gulp.

The coldness opened my throat up a bit, but not enough to breathe properly.
The cup slipped out of my hands onto the bed, the water pouring over the sheets and my sweatpants. It rolled off the side of the bed and clattered to the floor.

My hands flew to my hair, pulling down to my neck. I gasped and choked and cried, dragging my nails over my skin. I couldn't hear anything. I could barely see, I couldn't breathe.

"I thought you were over this, Nico, I thought we could talk now," Bianca pouted, pressing her rotting hand into my back. I flinched so violently that my nails dug deeper, and became wet.
I peeled my eyes open, and in my limited sight saw that they were bloody, red caked under my finger nails.
I stared at my hands, transfixed, and gasped for breath. I didn't know I had done anything, I hadn't even felt it.

"Oh look what you've done now, tsk tsk," Bianca muttered behind me, whispering into my ear, "you've gone and hurt yourself, why would you do that?"

"I- I didn't try-" I gasped, trying to blink the black spots away, "I didn't try to do it."

"But you must have wanted to, look at your hands," she laughed, as if my pain brought her amusement,
"Look at you, floundering like a fish out of water, it's pathetic!"

In a desperate attempt to get rid of her, I threw my elbow back in the direction of her voice. The momentum made me roll over to the other side of the bed, where Bianca was not. Of course I hadn't hit her- she wasn't real.
At the sound of her laughter- which must have been inside of my head because I couldn't hear anything around me- I whipped around, looking for her. I could feel blood dripping down my neck and below my shirt.
At the other side of the room, Bianca sat on what used to be Sonny's bed, a manic grin pulling at the skin that barely resembled her lips. She was taunting me. I knew she was taunting me, but I couldn't do anything about it. It wasn't as if I could turn my brain off. You can't get rid of something that isn't real.
I stared at her, bottom lip wobbling, as sobs began to heave through me. My body shuddered painfully, making me fold over on myself onto the bed.
The dark room was getting smaller. My vision was being crowded with black again. I couldn't hear over the ringing in my ears. I had to get out of here. I needed fresh air. I needed to be outside.
I needed Will.

My whole body was trembling, but I stretched out and reached for my closet, grabbing Will's jacket from the shelf. I pulled it to my chest and pressed my face into it. It still smelt like him, only slightly modified from its week and a bit in the hospital. I didn't think about the blood, snot, and tears as I held it to my face.

The first sound I had heard in fifteen minutes was clicking shoes on linoleum floors. The creak of my door opening. A gasp.

"Nico! Sweetie, are you alright?" The nighttime nurse gasped, rushing to my bed. Bianca cackled on the other bed, falling onto her back, clutching her stomach and kicking her feet into the air.

My face was still pressed into the jacket, but the lady must have seen me shaking and the spilt water. Not to mention whatever sounds coming out of me as I sobbed. I nodded into the jacket, unable to find words.

"Nico, what happened? Do I need to get medicine? Or should I call the-"

"N-no!" I chocked out, gulping too much air at once. I coughed, holding the jacket to my face, "not them, please, n-not them."

The nurse seemed to shuffle around, picking up the yellow plastic cup from the floor.

"I must get you your medicine though," she murmured. My body convulsed with another tremor as I tried to stop sobbing, but the woman was so close, and this room was too small, and the room was so fucking stuffy I couldn't breathe-
The nurse placed her hand on my shoulder without warning (you would think it would be in training NOT to do that in this situation) and it surprised me so much that I flinched back to the edge of the bed, tearing the jacket from my face, jaw dropped.
The room was dark, but I saw the horror take over her features.

"Nico, you're neck!" She exclaimed, seemingly frozen in place. My eyes widened and my hands instinctively reached for my it, and came away wet with blood.
I looked back up at her in confusion, but focused on Bianca standing right behind her, her chins resting on the nurses shoulder.

"I think you should kill her," she giggled, miming snapping the woman's neck. I blanched in my state, eyes widening. The woman looked horrified.

"What?" I asked incredulously.

"Nico, your neck is bleed-"

"Kill her."

"No!" I shouted, jumping off of the bed and onto the floor between my bed and the closet.

"What do you mean no? Nico I have to call this in-"

"Just come over here, come over here and snap her neck! It's soooo easy Nico, you wouldn't believe it," Bianca giggled, tugging the woman's hair.

"No, no, no, no, no!" I muttered to myself, grabbing my hair and tugging.

"Nico I'm sorry, this is unacceptable," the nurse took her Walkie talkie from her pocket.
If she called the bad guys, they would put me to sleep again. They would put me on the tube. I would be even more stuck than before.

I sprung over the bed and smacked it from her hand. It flew across the room and hit the wall. The nurse yelped, grabbing her hand that I had hit and cradled it to her chest.

"Kill her Nico, you know you want her gone~," Bianca sing-songed.

Tears smeared down my cheeks.

"P-please leave. Please leave now. I don't want to hurt you on accident," I sobbed, the ringing in my ears growing louder. I could barely hear her response.

"What on earth are you talking about! Sit down nico, I'm calling them!" She scolded, trying to maneuver around me. In a panic, I grabbed her by her shoulders and held her still. As still as I could while my arms trembled. If she called them, I was done for. She would be at fault. She would make ruin my chances.
What chances, I wondered.
Ah, yes. Escape. That was the answer.

"Mr. Di Angelo! Let go of me this instant!" The woman shouted.

"Kill her now," Bianca purred into my ear, making me jump.

"P-please leave me alone. I can't- I don't want to hurt-"

"You just want to cause more harm to yourself! Unhand me or I will start to scream, Mr Di Angelo!" She cursed me out.

"No, no, no," I shook my head like a dog, trying to get Bianca to leave. I gripped the nurses shoulders tighter as she tried to pull away.

"Snap her neck."

"No!" A new wave of tears spilt down my cheeks, blinding me.

"Nico, if you do not let go of me this instant-"

I lunged, wrapping my hands around her throat. She squeaked in surprise and grabbed at her throat like I had, except to try and pry my hands off.
I didn't know what I was doing. I wasn't in control. My hands were around her neck, but they weren't mine. I was watching from far away.

She squealed again, eyes wide and petrified. It was as if I was astral projecting and was suddenly pulled back to my body.
My eyes widened in surprise as she gasped for air. I shouted and jumped away from her. She collapsed to the ground trying to breathe. There were bloodstained hand prints on her neck.

I looked around in panic. I just assaulted a nurse. They would put me on lockdown for sure, sedated and on the tube. I didn't have a choice; I had to leave.

My head was a mess, pounding and yelling and telling me to do horrible things—I needed to leave.
I snatched Will's jacket off of the bed while the nurse recovered and bolted.
At the door I looked both ways. Thankfully the artificially lit halls were empty, probably due to the hour. It had to be 2 am at the earliest.
I ran out of the room in my socks, shrugging Will's tear and bloodstained jacket on as I ran. No one stopped me as I sprinted down the hallway, and slid to a stop at the exit doors. I didn't check to see if I was being followed when I ripped the door open and threw myself through it.

I took the steps three at a time, landing on each step on the balls of my feet. I was flying down them. Flying.

I may have started laughing as I neared the bottom, but I couldn't be sure- I still couldn't hear. Along with my short breaths, my heart was pounding out of my chest. Being stuck in a mental hospital for three months did not keep you in shape.

At the ground floor, I burst through the doors and ran for the nearest exit. People stared but they didn't stop me. No one knew who I was on this floor, I was safe.

I was pushing outside when an alarm sounded from the front desk. I took a deep breath and picked up the pace. I had to get far away from here before I stopped running, if I was caught I'd never be free.

Will's place couldn't be too far away. His university was close to the hospital, I knew that much.
I avoided the street lamps, weaving around cars in the parking lot, and dashed across the road. Cars honked as I ran in front of them, arms out in warning. The person in the red car in front of me blanched. I couldn't blame him- I was a sickly looking teen sobbing and bleeding.

I ran away, ducking into alley after alley. I must have been running for half an hour, avoiding lights and police cars around every corner.

I collapsed into an alleyway to catch my breath and wipe my face. I hadn't stopped crying, even on my run. I was a mess.

I couldn't stop now, though. I needed to find Will. He would know what to do.

A/n

Long time no see!
Well, I mean, I've been active on my oneshots book and killing in the name (snowbaz story) (which you guys should uh, y'know, check out, because I like them both a lot) but I haven't been on here since like... June. 

LOTS has been going on. I'm sorry.

It's funny because I literally have known about this scene since the tenth grade, which is when I came up with it, which was TWO YEARS AGO, I just couldn't do it idk why.

Anyways you guys can probably tell where it's going from here on out... solangelo baby

This was pretty dark...

Sorry

Love you guys

Thea