*Play this music. This song is one of the songs that motivated me after losing my older brother about two months ago. I hope it'll motivate you too.

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Chi-yun was walking in the second-floor hallway. Unfortunately, she was not being notified about Khalil's near suicide. But she was looking for Fatima who disappeared a while ago. She was about to walk into his hospital room. She saw the door being left open, making her wonder if he lets Chi-yun to come in.

"Khalil?" She called but just as she entered the room, he's not there.

She looked confused because it's been two days he got stuck in here. Now...he's not here.

"Khalil?" She called with a tone of confusion.

She looked around the room but he's still not there. She wondered if he snuck out from the room to hide somewhere else. But then, she found her silver notebook left on the bed. She was looking for it since yesterday, so she had no idea why it was there. She took it, but just as she flipped it, she saw that someone wrote it. She sat down on the edge of the bed and read the poem written by Khalil. She read every word of what he wrote.

His poem told her that he was still stuck in his room. He never wanted to get out of the room because of he felt being pointed or blamed of. She realized that the pain and guilt was taking him over, but when she read the last part... it tells her that he would give up. He wanted to put an end himself. While reading that part of his poem, she automatically didn't believe of what he wrote yesterday.

She flipped the page over and not another poem, but it looked like a suicide message. Like the poem, she read every word. His suicide message says:

"How do I look? Fine. How do I feel inside? Painful. Guilty. Angry. Upset. Remorseful. Hurt. Ashamed. Disgusted. Ruined. Why am I living here? Am I living just because of making the stupidest mistake I made in my twelve years? My life is ruined by one stupid mistake. I'm stuck in this pitch-black hole and can't find a way to escape. I tried to take an overdose of pills, but I can't because my body will shake like crazy. I tried to cut myself with a scalpel, but I don't want to feel the stinging pain of a wound pierecing through my skin.

I'm sick and tired of trying harm myself and I can't. I'm tired of blaming myself. I may be remembered as a hero at first, but also, I regret myself being remembered as a murderer. I feel like I'm a burden for everybody. I feel like I let my late family down. I feel stupid. I'm worthless. I'm useless. I'm sick and tired of living in this hell right now. I'm leaving here from now on and won't come back. Goodbye world. Goodbye Chi-yun. Goodbye Fatima. Goodbye Khalil."

She realized that this message was a suicide note from Khalil. Even though she still refused to believe it, a great shock impacted her from inside.

What did he mean, he's sorry for himself? Is he saying he's blaming himself as a murderer? He didn't show any signs, she thought.

She had a feeling that it was hard for him to tell her...she did ask him about how's he doing in the hospital, and he said everything was fine for him. She thought things were going well because he had no problem of that.

A guardian can't know everything, and it's not like she can always protect them by their side or not. And Heaven knows that things were going to get harder for the two kids, because their guardian is about to be a doctor.

A flashback came into her mind when she went up to the rooftop with the two kids. Those two moments made her realize that where Khalil might take his own life. She realized that he was about to jump off the roof. She also wondered if Fatima would sacrifice her life to save him.

Her hand covered her mouth; she felt a knot tying in her throat. She couldn't even say anything. She, without noticing it, dropped the notebook on the floor. She buried her face in her hands, and silently shed tears. Her only hope: they won't die.

Chi-hoon was looking for her younger sister to notify about the boy. She heard him calling her and just as he walked in the room, he saw her sitting on the edge of the bed. She was facing down, staring at the floor. Her hair covered on both sides, but he already knew she's staring down at the notebook with sadness. He looked very worried about her tearing up.

"Yeodongsaeng..." He softly called.

She slowly looked up at him; her face was wet with tears. He slowly approached and knelt before her. He saw Khalil's written page on her notebook. He knew that Khalil was going to put an end to himself. But no one can let that happen. While looking at the written page, it struck him into tears forming in his brown eyes.

He took her hand to comfort her.

"Please tell me it's a lie." She begged with a trembling tone.

"Hopefully Khalil won't die that sooner. Who knows if he went outside in the middle of the road and a car nearly hit him? We have no time to waste. We'll find him together." He spoke.

"I can't find Fatima anywhere either, Chi-hoon. She must have been running away with him, too. I hate to say this, but I don't want her to die with him, either." She admitted.

Chi-hoon felt an impact of shock that it's not only Khalil, but also Fatima who disappeared out of nowhere.

"Aigoo." He whispered.

"Well, you go find Fatima; Eun-hee and I will find Khalil. Gaja." He spoke to Chi-yun; they stood up and walked away from the room in opposite directions.

Chi-hoon strutted then ran in the middle of the hallways. He walked to the stairs but wont care of not using them, so he sat on the rail and slid down to the first-floor area. He found Eun-hee rushing back into the hospital. She slowed her quick pace down; he ended up grabbing her arms to stop her.

"Jagi! Jagi! I found them!" She urged.

"Jinjaeyo? Where are they?" He gasped.

"They're laying next to the pond near here."

"Are they still alive?"

Eun-hee nodded.

"Thankfully, yeah. We need to get them in here now."

The young couple rushed outside to find the two kids. Even though it's a little bit chilly, they were brave enough to take the kids back to the hospital.

In a grassy area near the pond, Khalil laid his head on Fatima's lap, who was sitting up, staring down at him. She stroked gently his damp, stringy hair with her fingers. He wouldn't mind if wet strings of her hair would bother his face. He was staring at thousands green strands stuck on the ground. He observed when there was a gentle breeze blowing, the strands swayed from side to side. It reminded him the beautiful landscape of Urk. He then looked up to Fatima, who seemed to be brooding about something. She was still stroking his hair with her fingers.

He then placed his hand on her cheek; she looked down at him. His silver eyes glowed under the illumination of the gray clouds. He then sat up next to her and laid his head on her shoulder.

"Thank you for saving my life." He softly uttered.

Her lips turned into a sweet and innocent smile; she looked at him.

"Thank you for saving my life, too."

He smiled back to her.

She leaned over and kissed his cheek. Pink flush crept in his cheeks, but he didn't care because he loves it.

"Can you do it again? I kind of miss this." He shyly asked.

She giggled a little of his cuteness, so she decided to give him another one on his cheek. But just as her lips were centimeters away from his cheek, he turned his head around, ended up facing her. She ended up kissing him on the lips, much to a surprise of her. When their lips were locked at each other, it made them lose focus on everything around them. She wrapped her arms around his neck, while his arms wrapped around her back.

Chi-hoon and Eun-hee ran to the pond and found them kissing. They don't want to interrupt the moment. However, Eun-hee felt his hand taken by his. She looked up at him looking serious. She might have felt the same urge as he does. He gently pulled her waist, making her closer to him. Their foreheads stuck together, then they looked at each other deeply in their eyes. She placed her hand on his shoulder and their lips were about to close the gap between. Then, he placed his hand on her cheeks and gently pressed his lips against hers.

The gentle wind began to swirl around the air; their hairs flowed slightly. The hem of their white coats flapped like dresses; they embraced each other tightly because of the wind chill. They might not know if the two kids were watching, but they lost themselves in the sweet, caramel-like taste of their lips. However...

"Hey." Khalil called them.

They slowly broke the kiss apart and saw the two kids staring at them.

"Did you find us?" Khalil asked.

"Yeah. We were looking for you everywhere and now, we found you here. But..." Chi-hoon explained.

"I had a feeling that we don't want to interrupt your moment." Eun-hee admitted.

The two kids smiled.

"Anyways, we need you to go back to the hospital. Chi-yun was worried sick about you guys." Chi-hoon motioned them to come along.

The two kids stood up and walked along with Chi-hoon and Eun-hee.

In the hospital, a silent and brooding Chi-yun was standing in the overlook of the second floor. She looked very sad also, but she cannot lose hope that Khalil and Fatima are still alive. She might be afraid that it might take longer to find them, so she walked away from the overlook. She walked to the skywalk; she haven't walked there since she left for Uruk. She looked out of the window; she can only see the silhouette of the skyline of downtown Seoul. The hope is still sparkling inside of her about Khalil and Fatima.

Suddenly, she felt her iPhone vibrating in her jeans pocket. She took it out and checked of who's calling her. It was Chi-hoon. She answered and placed the phone on her ear.

"Yeoboseyo?"

"We found Khalil and Fatima; they're still alive but wet. They fell in a pond. Besides, Fatima saved him from taking his own life." Chi-hoon spoke in her phone.

Chi-yun deeply sighed of relief as if being released from pressure.

"Thank God. Tell them to take a warm shower. I'll be waiting for them."

"Algessseubnida." He spoke.

She then hung up, held her iPhone in her gray sweater's pocket and walked out from the skywalk to the halls.

An hour and a half later, Khalil was walking around in the halls of second floor. But then, he found Chi-yun standing against the wall, looking down. It caused him to stop walking. He was scared if she would be upset with him. She slowly looked up and found Khalil. Although, she didn't look upset. She looked...blank. While Khalil watched Chi-yun starting to approach him, he wanted to back away from her but he couldn't. He was prepared, however, to receive any scolding from her.

"Khalil." Chi-yun called.

"Chi-yun." He softly uttered.

Then, she stopped walking towards him; they were about a feet away from each other. She scanned the worried look of Khalil's face. She understood that how he's feeling now.

"Hey. If it gets too much for you, you should just tell me so. I'm your best friend." She gently advised him.

Khalil felt his soul shaking, causing him to burst into tears. He felt sorry of what all he had done. He still felt the pain. Quiet sobs Chi-yun heard from him. She wrapped her arms around him as a comfort.

"Don't cry." She spoke.

She deeply sighed out of sadness, while hearing his soft cries.

"Khalil. I'm sorry I didn't know anything about what everything had happened. I'm sorry I left you all alone."

The poor boy kept crying as if he felt being pierced inside.

"Don't cry. Don't cry."She spoke.

She cupped his cheeks; her thumbs wiped his tears away. She then hugged him again. He wrapped his arms around her back.

"Chi-yun...I...I...feel guilty. I'm glad that I survived. I'm so happy that I'm alive and breathing. I feel terrible for my late family of what I have done." He tearfully admitted.

"Khalil. It's worse if you feel guilty of yourself. Look what Fatima did to you. She saved your life besides of being drowned. It's not because she wanted to commit suicide with you. She used her life to save you. Now you saved her, you're both alive. Your late families want you and Fatima to be happier than you ever were before." Chi-yun spoke.

"Will they really?" He nearly whispered.

"Of course they will. Don't be too hard on yourself. Everyone, including me, love you no matter what or who you are. Just remember that. We'll give each other support as much as we can. Live for anyone who you love and trust, okay? Live for your late families who's watching over you up there. They don't want to see you weak. They want you and Fatima to be stronger than ever. I know it won't easy to go through of this situation. But we'll make the impossible..." Chi-yun spoke.

"Possible." Khalil spoke.

"Exactly." She smiled and he smiled back.

She wrapped her arm around his shoulder as they walked together in the hallways.

"Where's Fatima?" She asked.

"She's on the waiting room."

"Did you guys took a warm shower?"

He nodded.

"Yeah."

"Good, because I don't want you guys to get sick." She smiled.

About a half an hour later, Khalil and Fatima looking out from the window of the room, where he was stuck in the past two days. The room's door is now left open, because he knew he won't take his own life again. They looked at every building in the city. He laid his head on her shoulder, and she laid her head on his. *Suddenly, they heard music starting from the speaker, which caught them attention. It started playing piano notes slowly, starting an E minor. It sounded depressing. The two kids walked out from the room and sat down, leaning against the wall. Neither of them spoke a word because they wanted to hear the track playing.

Then, a man started to sing but with a depressing tone. They listened to every word. The man sang about himself being into a deep crisis and couldn't go on. Then, he sang that he wanted to give up. While hearing it, Khalil began to remember the dark times he was going through, even today. He lost his family for two years, now he wanted to end himself but failed. Tears formed in his silver eyes, but fought them back because he wanted to keep hearing it. Same as Fatima, who paid close attention. The man on the speaker kept singing with sadness, wanting to quit of everything.

Suddenly, the tone was changed into something else. The two kids still paid closely attention.

"Then from on high somewhere in the distance

There's a voice that calls, 'Remember who you are.

If you lose yourself your courage soon will follow.

So be strong tonight. Remember who you are.'"

While hearing those words, Khalil felt a strike so hard from the inside of him. He bursted into tears. He wanted to take short but powerful lyrics in heart. He remembered of who he was before he made the incident two days ago. He realized that there's still hope and forgiveness. He vowed to himself that he'll never, ever take his own life again. Fatima hugged him and he wrapped his arms around her. He knew that those words struck Fatima as well. While the male singer let the instruments keep going...

"I guess that...we're not going to give up now." Fatima spoke.

Khalil shook his head.

"We wanted to make them happy up there. I have a feeling that we're moving on as soldiers, don't you think? Anyways, I felt the urge to forgive the one I shot but..." He paused.

Fatima nodded.

"I know you can do it."

He smiled.

The male singer sang that one's a soldier now, fighting in the battle to be free once more. That made the two kids stand up from the ground. The song made the kids' spirits lift up.

"I'm so thankful to hear this song. It really builds me up." Fatima admitted.

"Me, too." Khalil agreed with her. *

Chi-yun was still in the skywalk, wiping her tears away with a tissue. The song really moved her from the inside. It was like a motivational song for the ones who are going through storm by storm.

"Chi-yun..." It was Khalil calling her.

He and Fatima were standing in the entrance of the hallway. She was surprised of how they got here.

"Yeah?"

"Did you hear the song?" Fatima asked while she and Khalil approached to her.

"I did. It lifted me up. I hope it lifted you up, too." Chi-yun spoke.

"We could totally relate to that song, Chi-yun. Well, mostly me, I have to admit. I thought there was no hope and forgiveness for me. But while hearing this song, Fatima and I cried. That song is definitely our life song now. I realized that there's still hope. May God help us to move on." Khalil admitted.

"God's starting to heal you guys. Believe it." Chi-yun smiled.

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Korean to English:

Yeodongsaeng means "younger sister".

Aigoo means "oh, my goodness/gosh".

Gaja means "let's go".

Jagi(ya) means "honey".

Jinja(eyo) means "really/seriously".

Yeoboseyo means "hello" (when you answer someone on phone).

Algessseubnida  means "ok". 

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                                                                      A Special Note

Please take your time for reading this. This is very important to let you this. Sorry if it's long. But thank you for supporting me after going through in this healing proccess.

After a month and a half of battling against the signs of depression, I have declared myself depression-free. While writing these chapters, I wanted to end here with this thoughtful note I'm writing.

As you remember or not, I reread chapter 62; it talks mainly about Chi-yun's permanent change after the mission of Uruk. Her cousin, Han-yeol, firmly refused to believe that Chi-yun was completely changed. When he asked her that where was her old self before she left from Los Angeles. She said in these words,

"That old Chi-yun is dead and buried. She no longer returned. Nor she will."

Her quote struck me deeply that I could compare when the news broke out about my brother's untimely death.

Han-yeol still refused to believe and told her to go back who she was. But Chi-yun calmly spoke that it's better to be changed for good. The cousins had a small argument, leading to Chi-yun yelled at him that it's natural in her to have a change. She told him to be happy and accept her who she is, no matter what. It leads Han-yeol to tear up of hurting Chi-yun's feelings and finally accepts the change she's having.

I could apply this to myself when I refused to believe that my brother had suddenly died. I could never think that he meant to die. My mind yelled that it's not natural for a young, talented singer to suddenly die. But as the days pass by, I realized that he wanted me and everyone else to be happy, no matter what. I started to tear up of not accepting the reality. Little by little, I started to see the reality. Death is an essential part of life. This also reminds me of chapter 41 when Chi-yun, Khalil and Fatima have a conversation mainly about death.

I'm sure that Khalil had said everything in this quote:

"Don't fear death. Death is an open door to a new life. Death is our destiny."

Anyways, in this chapter, Khalil represented as an about-to-be victim of suicide. He thought that he was satisfied of avenging the North Korean soldier threatening at Ja-ae. But then, he ended up being guilty of what he had done, calling himself a murderer. He thought that there's no forgiveness for him. The battle between him and the suicide was going tough and tight. Chi-yun was worried about his condition, but he told her no matter how many times that everything is fine. But however, he knows that he's not. He decided to take his own life to "remove the pain and guilt" he's feeling.

Fatima found the suicide note from Khalil; she rushed around the hospital to find him. She finally found him, dangerously close to the rooftop's edge. She shouted at him of not doing it. He whispered to her that he's sorry for everything he has done. Just as he jumped off the roof, she grabbed his hand and took his place. Not because she wanted to die with him, but sacrifice herself to save him from committing suicide. They fell into a pond; the great impact of the water made Fatima unconscious. Khalil saved her from the waters, did the CPR until she coughed out alive. She represented as a friend, a loved one, or anyone who cares about someone going through a lot in life and wanting to take its own life.

Khalil got upset to her that why she took his place. He knows he's responsible for the mess he made. Fatima told him that the reason why she did that is because she loves him no matter what.

I could apply this when our brother Jonghyun had suddenly passed away, some of us got upset (this isn't me) like, "Why did he die instead of me? Why he took my place? I didn't deserve myself to live, but he does!" This sounded a little bit disturbing, but it's time to realize that he loves and wants us to have a wonderful life.

This could also apply (spiritually) as Jesus Christ died in a cross to save the humanity from the spiritual death. His Sacrifice happened once, and the world was completely changed.

Chi-yun tearfully found out why he's in that condition, leading him to near suicide. She advised Khalil that anything goes wrong with him, he should talk to her. He ended up crying of regret. He wanted to make his late family happy, but knows that it will never be easy. Chi-yun told him that no matter who he is or what he does, she reminded him that she'll support and love him along with Fatima. This is represented a mother's love to a child who has been (or is going) through a lot.

Khalil was doing some self-reflection after all that happened. Suddenly, he heard a song playing from the PA speaker, "Sound the Bugle" by Bryan Adams. He heard it closely at each word he sang.

The song started off very depressing. The 'soldier' was going into a deep crisis and now he couldn't go on. He wished to take his own life or give up and pretend that nothing's happening. Khalil could totally relate this to himself. He nearly teared up while listening the sad part. But in the middle, the tone changed from sadness to hope.

"Then from on high somewhere in the distance

There's a voice that calls, 'Remember who you are.

If you lose yourself your courage soon will follow.

So be strong tonight. Remember who you are.' "

When Khalil remembered who he was before, he kept crying but harder than before. He didn't realize who he was until now. Khalil realizes that there's still forgiveness. There's still hope. He's ready to move on as a soldier; he will go back who he was before. Fierce, brave and persistent.

This song is originally a soundtrack from an animated movie called Spirit: A Stallion of the Cimarron. I love the soundtrack when I was a child, without realizing of the meanings. But while struggling against depression, I searched and listened the song. I cried at the whole song because I related to this situation I'm having. Those lyrics above (in bold type), I felt like Jonghyun just told me that and I cried. Even though I haven't dreamt about him. But that time until today, I'm a soldier fighting against my enemy. I remember who I was before one of my brothers' sudden death: Optimistic, happy...

I know that he's gone too soon. It was hard for me to accept the news. I knew that he never wanted to see me in the condition I was having. But the depression kept putting me down. While listening this song, it suddenly lifted my spirit up. I will never lose hope. Not happiness. Not even love. I'm worth of fighting for.

I chose another song that I wanted to share with you (and yes, I'm going to put it as my novel soundtrack sometime). This song called "You Can't Take Me", also sung by Bryan Adams. It is also originally a soundtrack from the movie. This song started when the 'soldier' is captured by enemies, desperately want freedom. But he knows that he will be free one day and forever.

https://youtu.be/R45M4jYmE2g

While struggling, I wanted to be happy, but the depression kept clutching me. But when I listened at this powerful song along Sound the Bugle, my spirit kept lifting up. I'll never give up fighting.

Then I saw my older brother Lee Jinki (aka Onew)'s brief but powerful post after my other brother's passing.

He said,

"No matter who you are or what you do, remember one thing. Someone loves you more than you to yourself. I'll support you and I love you".

I cried when reading those words, even though it's for Jonghyun, but I'm sure it's for everybody including me who are going through a lot in this time. I thank God for my five brothers who taught me to be stronger than ever.

Everyone, it doesn't matter who you are or what you do, there's someone who loves you more than you do to yourself. It's God first then me. I, in the love of God, love you.

About a month after his death, I see Jonghyun's pictures, his moments with his four brothers, his angelic singing voice, his amazing personality... and I have not shed a tear of sadness but joy. I smiled at him because I know he had done well for a decade. Every time I see him, I spoke to myself,

"They didn't lose a member... they gained an angel."

They will be forever FIVE: four shining on earth, one angel shining in the skies.

About a week later, I saw four letters from four SHINee members. Yes, I have read each one of them and I cried tears of joy. They remembered who they are since the beginning with Jonghyun. They believe that his undying spirit is with them always. They're humans like us; they're soldiers for their lives. Of course, they might be sad sometimes, but they cannot let it take them over.

Never let the depression take you over. Let your smile take over.

When I cry, I'm not weak. I'm healed now. I'm strong in my God's hands.

SHINee and Shawols, together we'll go through and stay strong with Jonghyun's undying spirit. We are soldiers, fighting for each other. We can't let ourselves go. Never give up, it's such a wonderful life like Hurts sang.

If anyone is having a hard time of coping of someone's death, talk to me. I just have an experience of that. You could read this message if it helped you. Please, spread my word:

Depression... you can't take me. I'm free.