Zach has ruined my ability to sleep. Without his warm body, all I can do is stare into the darkness and think about him.

I don't want to think about Zach. 

I walk along the dark stuffy hallways in desperate need of fresh air. Opening the back door, someone on the other side briefly flashes a torch in my face before turning it off.

'Kit? What are you doing out here?' Mercy asks.

'I need some fresh air.' I say.

'I'm afraid you're not allowed to go out at night unless it's to the toilet block, and even then you still need to fetch Becky who's on patrol inside to accompany you.'

'Can I stand here?' Because the prospect of hours staring into the darkness as I torture myself over Zach is the last thing I want. 

'Of course,' Mercy says.

I press my body against the cool wall, inhale deeply and stare up at the sky. Gaps between the black clouds reveal a deep blue sky speckled with twinkling stars. It reminds me of home, of sitting outside Alma's cabin or on my family's porch.

Never before have I wanted to talk to Alma or Mattan as much as I do now. They would know what I should do, they would know where I went wrong, they would know how I can fix this. Although, I'm starting to think it's gone past the point of repair. There is nothing left of me and Zach to fix. Zach has made that perfectly clear.

I miss my family. I miss the unconditional love and the safety I felt with them; I don't miss the settlement and the distance created between people. I don't miss the constant awareness and fear of every movement you make.

'Can't sleep?' Mercy says, interrupting my thoughts.

'Yeah.' I nod.

'Bo neither. To be honest, ever since his dad died in a night raid he's had difficulty. He often joins patrol at some silly hour then goes back to bed for a bit at sunrise.'

'Is he on patrol now?' I ask, continuing to stare at the sky.

'He wanted to, but Ethel left strict instructions that he was not allowed and he had to rest. He's currently staring out the games room window, has been for the last few hours. I'm not even meant to be on tonight but Dolly's gone AWOL.'

'AWOL?'

'Yeah, she's missing; she'll come back. She does it often. Sometimes, she comes back with a person to join but that hasn't happened for a few years. Now, she returns with a trailer full of stuff she's collected from the outside. She brings loads of presents too, to stop anyone being angry at her disappearing for days on end.' Mercy chuckles. 'Anyway, my shift's about to end then I'm going to join Bo. Nate and Cas are coming too. Want to come?'

'Sure.' I frown. 'Do you normally hang out in the middle of the night?'

Mercy chuckles softly. 'No, we're not normally on patrol at the same time but as we were today, I suggested we chill for a bit before going to bed.' Mercy sighs. 'It's horrible to say, but we need a laugh since everything that's happened, which is kind of impossible when Raz is there, he's devastated about Faith. I am too, we all are, but it hit Raz the hardest and none of us know what to say.'

'I don't think there is much you can say. Words won't bring her back. All you can do is show him that you're there for him, that you'll always be there for him whenever he needs you.' I shrug.

I think back to losing Alma, of hating everyone's sympathetic looks and their insincere condolences. Only Zach made me feel better; not because of words, because he was there for me without expectations, he listened and asked questions about Alma.

'Was Zach there for you when you needed him?' Mercy asks.

'Yes.' Until yesterday, he was in more ways than I ever asked or expected which only makes the betrayal more bitter and confusing.

'I'm sorry to hear about your split. I'm sure you'll work it out and get back together.'

'I doubt it.'

'I saw how you two were. He'd be a fool to give up on what you have.'

'He's an arrogant big-headed jerk,' I whisper.

'You really think that?' Mercy turns to me and arches an eyebrow.

'No.' I shake my head and mumble under my breath. 'I never really did.'

The silence stretches out; neither of us attempt to fill it as we lean against the building wall. The cool air causes bumps along my skin, my feet are cold but it's strangely pleasant.

The shivering ache overrides any internal pain.

By the time an adult, called Imogen, arrives to take over Mercy's post at the door, I'm shivering and my feet and hands have gone numb. The sensation of nothingness comes as a welcome relief.

In the games room, or the library as I call it, we find Bo standing by the window in a pitch-black room. Mercy turns on her torch and positions it so it illuminates the middle of the room.

'Kit couldn't sleep so I asked her to join us,' Mercy says.

Bo nods looking at me. 'It's been a rough couple of days.'

I nod, noticing the gun in Bo's hand. 'I thought you weren't on patrol?'

'I'm not.'

'Why have you got a gun then?' I drop into a small armchair.

'I felt the need for extra protection tonight.' Bo shrugs and places the gun on a side table before sitting on the same sofa as Mercy. The sofa me and Zach slept on, did other stuff on. I avert my eyes and stare at the rug. The rug doesn't evoke any agonising memories of me and Zach.

Cas and Nate walk through the door. Cas exhales slumping down onto the sofa in between Bo and Mercy. She closes her eyes and leans her head on Bo's shoulder. 'I'm knackered.'

'You're always knackered,' Bo says.

'No, I'm knackered when I don't get enough sleep unlike you who seems to thrive on only a few hours every night.' Cas opens her eyes slightly. 'It's not normal, you know. You are not normal.'

Bo rolls his eyes and nudges her gently; she grabs his arm and pulls it around her shoulder. The action makes me think of my brother, of Zach and the comfortableness I felt around them both.

I don't have that intimacy with anyone anymore.  

'Good to see you here, Kit,' Nate says.

'Yeah, we've missed you at mealtimes.' Mercy squeezes into the gap next to Cas on the sofa. The sofa I know hate. 

'Sorry, I wasn't feeling very sociable.' I shrug.

'Don't worry, everyone has those days, and we know it's a bit of crappy time at the moment for you, with this whole Zach thi-' Mercy stops abruptly when Cas nudges her.

'I think we should play strip poker?' Cas grins.

'You always want to play strip poker!' Mercy huffs.

'That's because she normally keeps most of her clothes on and gets to sit back and watch us all get naked,' Bo says.

'Not always.' Cas grins.

'Just ninety-nine point nine percent of the time,' Nate laughs. 'I'm up for playing though.'

'Yeah, me too.' Mercy shrugs.

'I think we should play something else.' Bo looks at me.

It's obvious Bo thinks I'd be uncomfortable with it. He's right, I am uncomfortable with the idea of playing strip poker. Right now, all I can remember are the times me and Zach played strip poker. It was his suggestion; he hadn't realised I played poker regularly with my parents and brother. He would usually end up down to his underwear while I stayed fully clothed.

'I'll play.' I shrug, forcing the memories of me and Zach away.

'All right,' Cas says. 'Chuck the cards over, Nate.'

'Be prepared, Kit. Cas's sole purpose will be to get you naked. She's bored of seeing our bodies.' Nate laughs, picking up a box of cards on a side table and throwing them to Cas who catches them.

'I could never get bored of your bodies, but I won't lie, it's exciting to have some freshness added to the game.' Cas winks while shuffling the cards.

'I'm very fresh.' Nate grins.

'Say that sentence after you've had a shower, and then I might be more willing to believe you,' Cas retorts.

'And wash away my natural enticing scent which makes you think I'm sexy? No way.' Nate says heading over to the recorder player.

'No, it's called body odour which does the exact opposite.' Mercy sticks her tongue out.

Nate flicks the switch on the record player, filling the room with a familiar melody accompanied by a low deep voice. My chest tightens at the song. It's the same song me and Zach danced to a few days ago. My broken heart shatters further.  

Nate sits on the floor in front of the sofa. 'Do you think Tunde's been in here trying to get lucky with Imogen again?'

'If he has, someone should tell Tunde to get some new moves. This song is miserable,' Cas says dealing out the cards.

'I heard Imogen and Tunde asked for a private room, so whatever he was doing must have worked.' Mercy shrugs dropping onto the floor next to Nate. 'Anyway, if you listen to the words they're romantic.'

'I read your letters one by one
And I still love you
When it's all said and done
And oh, my darling, I'm so blue
Because nothing
Oh nothing
Takes the place of you'
(Nothing takes the place of you, Toussaint McCall)

The ache which had been numbed from the coldness thaws; spreading throughout my body, it claws up my throat. My eyes sting and I wipe them quickly. 

'Turn off the music. If someone catches us playing it at this time we'll get in trouble,' Bo says, looking at me he frowns. 'Kit, you sure you want to play?'

'Yep.' I croak. I clear my throat. 'Are you not allowed to be here at night?'

'We are, but we're not meant to use anything electrical that uses the generators.' Nate turns off the record player. 'The generators aren't particularly efficient so the rules are, once it's past curfew, you're only allowed to use the wind-up torches.'

'That's the worst part of night patrol. Winding the stupid torches up all the time. If I was going to get arm ache, I'd rather it be from a more enjoyable activity,' Cas huffs.

Bo says rolling his eyes. 'Lights draw attention to outsiders which we try to avoid.'

'Thankfully, those outsiders have left.' Mercy sighs.

'They've left?' I ask surprised

Cas flashes Nate a hard look before turning back to me. 'We don't know for definite, but their vehicles drove away a few hours ago.'

'We can't be sure they won't come back,' Bo says.

'Hopefully, they won't,' Mercy adds.

'Come on, let's get on with the game.' Bo sits on the floor.

'You're keen today.' Cas slides onto the floor. 'Normally, we have to force you to play.'

'He wants to get this over quickly. He will be the first one fully naked.' Nate laughs and sits next to Cas on the floor. 'Bo is terrible at strip poker.'

'He is.' Mercy sniggers, joining them on the floor.

I join the circle they've formed. Cas starts to deal whilst relaying the rules.

I can't focus on her words; an unexpected sense of unease digs into my stomach and I have to force myself to ignore the sudden urge to talk to Zach.

Focus on the game.