Hey, just call me Faz or Fazzie. I am 20 years old, I'm here to tell you my life story so far so i'm exposing my mind/mental health issues and life problems to all of you who are viewing this. Not for 'CLOUT' or 'attention', but to raise mental health awareness and real life situations. Hopefully reading this, whoever is going through anything similar, you're not alone, i promise you. You can seek out help with professionals or even myself. You shall overcome whatever life throws at you and get all the support you deserve, because nobody should feel like they are trapped within their own darkness. 

I don't really remember having much of a childhood, to be honest. I remember having a few friends within my primary school years but I always felt like I didn't fit in. I never really had much love or even remember it, it was always my younger sibling who had more of everything than me. Even now, in my soon to be adulthood, i have yet another younger sibling who is spoilt rotten as well as the middle child in the family and they disrespect me so much.. They disrespect pretty much almost everyone.. I'm always so underappreciated, even now.. 

I was always disciplined, I did once have the heart to discipline my younger brother at one point, but even then our father had come into our lives again and he ruined everything.. Which is where the spoiling came from in the first place.

Nobody understands me really, Hell, I don't even know who I am, myself, sometimes.

A few years down the line when we moved houses in 2011, I went to secondary school in January, started Year 7 in an all girls school...

Horrible moment of my life..

Everyone was fake from the start. I'm generally a shy and quiet girl and i keep to myself..

I felt a bit too overwhelmed when the girls from my class overcrowded me and didn't give me my space. My tutor was true to me though, he helped me through everything.

Of course like all the 'new girls' or most of them, i was given a 'buddy' to tour me around school and where my lessons would be and all of that. She was nice, or at least i thought.. I was also neglected within school and home life haha, funny. She didn't like that i followed her around, what did she expect? I was new and the school was kinda big.. When i mean kinda, i mean two different sides of the school where there was a bridge you cross to go to your certain lessons depending on what room you were in and what lesson.. 6 floors in one building and three floors in the other, three or four different blocks around the buildings..

Later on in year 7, it got worse.. Swimming. Jumping in. 

I was afraid of water as it was and i was still new so i didnt know what time coach leaves and what time we have to be in school by.. One time i missed the coach, i still had my swimming costume on underneath and obviously there was no other place to go. A few year 9's saw me and helped me, i got along with them later.. An hour later, the girls from my class came back to change and we all needed to change in the changing room together, i was embarrassed because of my swimming costume underneath but one of the girls saw me change and started talking about it to everyone and then my teacher started lecturing me and shit and never wanted to hear what i said.. 

Then there was 'home' to look forward to.. (not) the nonstop conflicts between my parents, younger bro hitting me and shouting and all that shit.. i felt so alone and i was only 12 years old.. I had no one to fucking talk to.. 

I then got bullied since that situation in changing rooms..

I was thinking 'why do i even exist if no one would acknowledge me or understand my pain or anything?' 

Year 7: no friends

Year 8: Fake friends and more bullies, introduction to self harm (that comes later)

Younger sister being born in 2013, which was something to look forward to.

Year 9: Bullies and toward the end, a friend. (self harm/recovery)

Year 10: One actual friend.. (relapse but also trying to help others)

Year 11: few more friends, more problems and shit. (another relapse, recovering and tryna help others) (first fanfic i wrote)

I started my first suicide attempt at age 12, tried to suffocate myself with a scarf, block my airways but instinct took over.. 

I then had support within the school but the bullying still happened.. No matter what, the torment in my head wouldn't end and i looked at some random social networking sites applied to Twitter and fb.. Found something called Omegle, met the best person who changed my current perspective at age 13, though we were far apart, communication between the two of us really helped and i really admired his passion and never ending support it was just a shame we were just pen pals but it made me reconsider a few negative things and turned positive because i could finally talk to someone who understood me as a person and never saw me for my outer shy self. He knew I had something more within me and I appreciated it so much, we appreciated one another.

Then a snake entered my life, she really despised my happiness and would do anything to destroy it so she told my mother about this certain person and had me get beaten up by her. What's even worse is that she tried to get him all to herself but his loyalty really said a lot.. He swore at her and all things ever directly said, i laughed at the messages between the two of them. 

i did have a few girls who had my back but even then they disappeared after school ended..

I was recently diagnosed with Bipolar disorder type 1 and recently went through a psychosis attack hence the diagnosis of bipolar I 

I have been through a lot as much as anyone could have. 

You know, battling a war inside your mind is the strongest and courageous thing to ever do and even courageously, asking for professional help... 

It's like a warzone every day in my brain and mental state but I still manage by appreciating what I still have and helping others and I really hope you reading this, benefits a lot.. 

There's still a few things i need to say but those come later within the subjects of these following chapters..

I love you all and stay strong,

Fazzie XO <3