what's the purpose in waiting
if i have to do it all the time
i just slammed my hand against my window
waiting to feel something other than this agony
it's consuming me, and i'm letting it,
though i know i shouldn't
i'm writing writing writing
waiting waiting waiting
day by day by day
when i should be seizing it
but what is there to seize?
i literally don't feel fulfilled by anything
i truly feel as though i'm going
through a depressive episode right
now
i want to break down
i don't want to be me
i want to die
i
want
to
die
to perhaps give away this life
i've created
because really, who cares?
who really cares?
these works are made for me
these works are my own solace
and now they've turned to rot
they've turned into something
i do not want to look at anymore
because she's within them,
and it's truly aching
truly painful
this is an experience i never
have felt before in my life
this complete emptiness,
this yearn to feel outside of my body
to escape, to truly get out of my mind
because my mind is a terrible thing
it plagues me with thoughts and realities
i'm too scared to face
whywhywhy me?
why do i have to suffer like this?
i'm not exaggerating, this is
the worst
feeling
in the
world for someone to have
to go through, i understand now
why people want to kill themselves
this is unbearable, this is torture,
this is honestly not what i wanted today
i was looking forward to seeing
her
but she wasn't
her happiness isn't dictated by me
she shared with me her poems last night
and i loved them, they were miraculous
and now, now i don't know what to think
because she's snuggling up with someone else
and it hurts, it fucking hurts, i shouldn't be
hanging up on a girl, i did this for fucking three years
you shouldn't be doing this zach,
you should not be doing this right now
but look at your fingers fly
look at them typetypetype
and for what? recognition? for people
to read your words and say, "oh this is so beautiful!"
empty, those words are fucking empty,
i need more, i want more, it's not a need
it's a want, i know it's a want, it's a selfish want that
wants to keep going on, ononononoinkjnokjn kjiopibj3wefjds-0poi4wjTHE80AIUO 8MJP9I;O