Chapter Five- I don't give bitches speeches, I give them pep talks

I open my eyes to the bright sun shine glaring through my white silk curtains.

I roll over and grab my phone, I haven't really opened it since that night. I see many texts from Peggy, a few from mom, a couple from Alex.

Alex. I haven't really said his name or thought about it. I've really just referred to Alex as "him".

Eliza, I haven't thought about her backstabbing selfish bitchy ass son of a whore and miserab- ok John pull yourself together.

Clearly I'm angry and hurt. Mostly angry but hey, I don't give bitches speeches, I give them pep talks.

I look at my arms and legs. My body is basically covered with cuts.

It's an escape honestly, once you pick up the silver blade, start slicing and see blood you don't remember the pain or problems you've had before this. 

I roll out of bed and throw on an outfit that can cover my cuts.

I find a black sweater and dark green skinny jeans. I pair them with my hair in a bun and my white vans.

As I skip down the stairs for the first time in what feels like forever I see my mom eating breakfast.

"Hey sweetie" she says with a soft smile.

I wave and grab an apple. As I grab my car keys and make my way to school I realize I haven't gone to school in awhile.

Should I expect public humiliation? Most likely.

Eliza Peggy and I were all the popular group of the school.

But now Eliza is a back stabbing psycho son of a bitch awful- ok John, self control.

Point is, if that bitch burns in hell I'll clap no that sounds kinda nice maybe I'll clap and growl, nope she doesn't deserve any reaction out of me.

I realize I'm at school and I park my car. Peggy finds me and hugs me tight to her chest.

"Are you ok" she asks.

I won't let myself cry. I won't let him see me break down.

I spot him across the parking lot. Our eyes meet and immediately he starts to come over.

Lucky for me Peggy sees this and grabs my hand. We're making a run for it. We pass the school doors and head around the back.

He went around the other side and now has us cornered in the alley way.

"Peggy, let me talk to John alone" he growls at her because I'm pretty sure when I looked away from him she nailed him in the nose.

"It's ok Peggy, I'm ok" I assure her.

"Fine but touch him and I will find you, you ignorant cunt" I almost peed my pants as she says this.

I watch Peggy leave and soon, Alex comes closer to me.

"Whatever you have to say I don't want to hear it" I say emotionless.

"Baby boy, please" he begs.

"I'm not your baby boy anymore" I say as I begin to walk away he grabs my wrist.

"Ow!" I scream and pull my arm away. He touched my cuts and it hurt.

Alex grabs my wrist and rolls my sleeves up.

"John, I-I-I'm so sorry" he says and I swear I see tears brim to his eyes "I never wanted to cause you pain hell I didn't want anything to happen with her. I don't even like girls and she just, well we were talking about you and she kissed me!" He almost cry's.

"No Alex. You would've stopped her if you really loved me. You wanted this, you wanted her" I say softly.

"No I swear I didn't" he leans in and starts to kiss my neck.

I don't pull away or push him away, I let this last moment happen.

He's here, he's with me.

Alex's hands start to roam my body and he plays with the hem of my sweater.

"Please forgive me" he begs.

I don't say anything, Alex moves up to my face and kisses me harshly. I feel the pain in the kiss, I feel how he feels but I don't kiss back.

Maybe he'll get the hint that I don't feel anything.

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As soon as I get home I realize I never ended it with him.

I never called quits on the relationship. Maybe I should? I don't know about anything anymore I'm just so broken that my mind is numb.

I completely go into a daze because I didn't realize Peggy was calling my name and running behind me.

"Slow down hot stuff" she pants.

"Sorry, I was just thinking" I mutter.

"Don't apologize to me, you never did anything to me so don't apologize" she says.

We both just smile and continue walking up to my bedroom.

"Hey John?" Peggy says as she looks up at me.

We're currently cuddling on my bed and her head is pressed against my chest as I hold her close. This means nothing to me, it's just friendly cuddling.

"Yeah Pegs?" I say back softly.

"I think I like girls" she almost whispers.

I immediately sit up.

"Oh my god who!" I ask.

"I'm so glad you're happy about this" she giggles.

"Of course I'm happy about it! My best friend is gay too and if I like a cute guy now I know you won't take him!" I laugh.

This feels good, laughing with her and talking about crushes.

"Her names Maria and I think she likes me too" she says shyly.

"Maria Lewis?" I smile widely.

"Yep" she pops the "p".

"Aw I'm so happy for you pegs!" I hug her.

This is how our night went, we simply just talked about her new crush and my old crush. Things were getting better for both of us.