He can't sleep.

He can't sleep, he can't sleep, he can't sleep.

His eyes are wide, staring at the wall in front of him. The only sound in the room is of the clock on the wall, ticking, ticking, ticking.

Sitting upright, he reaches for the small bottle of pills on his nightstand.

Shaking it slightly, he allows three pills to fall out onto his palm. Without a swig of water, he swallows them dryly, his throat seeming to constrict against the pills.

It had been one. Then two. Then three.

But he can never fall asleep quickly. They were absolutely useless, the sleeping pills.

But does he stop?

No.

He needs those pills, even if it did help him or not. It is part of his daily routine. Tonight, he has taken three pills.

Does it work?

No.

His eyes are dry, his body swaying back and forth as he clutched the covers.

Maybe he will try four pills tomorrow.

~

"Come on, you need to eat something, Dazai," Chuuya says shoving his eggroll in Dazai's face.

"Awww, is chibi concerning himself over me?" Dazai flutters his eyelashes, causing Chuuya to roll his eyes.

"Eat it or I'll defenestrate you," Chuuya threatens.

Agitation wells up in his chest as Dazai continues to avoid the food.

"I don't want to," Dazai persists stubbornly, "I'm not hungry."

But, of course, Chuuya knows better. He can tell that Dazai has lost weight, and is continuing to. His level of concern for his classmate's well being is higher than he thought it was; something inside him had urged him to step forward and help Dazai through whatever he was going through no matter how much Chuuya loathed the man.

"Eat something." Chuuya doesn't let the begging tone slip through in his voice.

"Save it for yourself, chibbiko."

Irritated, Chuuya shoves the eggroll into his mouth as he glares at Dazai through his eyelashes.

He wants to help Dazai, he really does. Even if he doesn't show it, Chuuya cares about Dazai more than himself and anyone else at school.

Maybe it is because of the bandages Chuuya has caught glimpses of under Dazai's lapel coat - one that he wears every day, rain or shine. Or maybe because it is because of the eye bags under his eyes, feebly covered with concealer. Either way, Chuuya's empathetic towards Dazai, to say at least.

"You have to eat some." Chuuya waves the bento box in Dazai's face; he had made it in the morning specifically for Dazai.

"I'll just eat at home, it's no problem," Dazai continues to insist. "Really."

Before Chuuya can respond, the bell rings, and Dazai's up and about without further ado.

He leaves, his coat trailing behind him like a cape.

Chuuya's eyes narrow in determination while he watches Dazai exit through the roof door.

He will help Dazai, no matter what.

~

Nothing's working.

He's not working.

His body's not working.

His brain's not working.

He wants food, but he has no appetite.

He wants to sleep, but he is unable to.

He wants to be happy, but all he gets are marks on his skin.

Nothing's working, and there's nothing he can do to fix it.

He can't fix himself.

If he can't fix himself, no one else is able to.

Despair consumes him like a monster, gobbling up his soul, sending it into an infinite void of nothingness. More marks appear on his skin - on his ankles, his wrists, his arm. White wraps around his arms like another layer of skin.

He feels empty.

He feels like nothing.

He feels as if he's no longer human.

He's nothing - unclassified and lower than the lowest of souls.

Might as well sleep off his problems than to dwell on them for the entire night.

He chuckles at the irony, taking the bottle of useless sleeping pills.

Tonight he decides to take ten pills.

~

"Have you seen Dazai-san today?"

Chuuya locks his locker before looking over his shoulder.

"Dazai? No, why? Is there something wrong, Atsushi?" A flare of panic rises in his chest. Dazai has taken plenty of sick days off, so it isn't a big deal.

"Well, uhm..." Atsushi fidgets with his fingers. "Have you noticed something odd about Dazai-san lately?"

"Odd?" Of course he has. Chuuya's noticed Dazai's lack of weight, his decrease in appetite, the bandages, the shadows under his eyes. He's been keeping a keen eye on Dazai ever since day one.

"Yeah, like... He seems off," Atsushi bites his lower lip while rubbing the back of his neck with one hand.

"Off? How?" Chuuya's heart thunders a bruise in his ribcage. But he can't jump to conclusions just yet; he doesn't know if Atsushi has seen the same things he has.

"He's... optimistic and himself when he's in class, but during lunch... don't you think he's a bit down? Do you think it's because of his grades or something? Is it because of us?" Atsushi's eyes are wild with panic, and Chuuya's heart drops slightly at the way Atsushi had perceived the situation.

"No, I'm sure he's alright," Chuuya lies smoothly. "He's probably lacking sleep or something."

Atsushi exhales in relief. "Thank you, Chuuya-san."

The white-haired boy bows once before leaving.

Chuuya's smile slips into a frown. Atsushi's noticed part of Dazai's unusual behavior. Having been Dazai's acquaintance for such a long time already, Chuuya knows that Dazai doesn't appreciate it when multiple people are caught up in his problems. Thus, Chuuya keeps the secret to himself with respect for Dazai's wishes.

"Hey, Akutagawa!" Chuuya calls from the end of the hallway.

The black-haired man turns to Chuuya, his expression blank as usual.

"Chuuya-san?"

"Do you know where Dazai's apartment building is?"

Akutagawa blinks several times before he regains his posture.

"You want me to write it down for you?"

Chuuya nods rapidly, relieved at the fact that Akutagawa doesn't ask anything about why he needs the address.

"Thanks!"

Chuuya dashes off without another word, leaving Akutagawa dumbfounded.

The sun is dipping behind the horizon when Chuuya reaches the address scribbled on the piece of paper. Swallowing his labored breaths, Chuuya knocks on the door, once, twice.

"Dazai? Oi, Dazai, you piece of shit! Open the door!" His fists pound against the wood, demanding to be let in.

Chuuya then rattles the doorknob, turning it to the right. "Oi, Daz-!"

He is cut short when, much to his surprise, the door opens without any resistance. Chuuya steps in cautiously, his eyes flitting across the walls in the room.

All the curtains are drawn, casting a gloom in the apartment room.

"Dazai?"

Across the floorboards are discarded articles of clothing and crumpled pieces of paper. Chuuya steps around them, making his way to the bedroom.

The bedroom door is wide open when Chuuya walks in, his feet tapping silently against the ground.

A lump on the bed shifts, turning to the right with a groan. The sunlight is blocked by yet another pair of curtains, the yellow hue spilling across its inner parts.

"Hey, Dazai." Chuuya shakes the man by his shoulder.

Dazai doesn't respond. His face is contorted with pain, and the mere sight of his forehead matted with sweat is enough to make Chuuya's heart ache.

A rush of heat fills his palm when Chuuya places his hand on Dazai's forehead. It nearly stings his palm as he snatches back his hand.

"Holy fuck," he mutters to himself while he runs to the bathroom, nearly tripping over a pair of jeans.

He runs cold water under the faucet, dunking a piece of cloth into the growing bowl of water.

Rushing back to Dazai, he lays the towel across his forehead, pulling up the covers around Dazai's shoulders. He rummages through the drawers in an attempt to find a thermometer. It takes him several minutes before he is able to locate it in the first aid kit.

The thermometer reads 105 degrees when Chuuya extracts it from dazai's mouth.

Chuuya curses colorfully.

"Who the fuck taught you how to clean, anyway?" Chuuya jokes to no one in particular as he starts to clean up Dazai's house. He tosses the laundry into the basket, proceeding to throw that into the washing machine.

He scrubs the days' old dishes clean and leaves them out to dry, mops and vacuums the floor, and cleans the dust around the flat.

"Now where is that fever medicine..." Chuuya flings open every cabinet in an endeavor to find the medicine.

Fortunately, he is able to locate the medicine in one of them.

"Open your mouth," Chuuya instructs as he spoon feeds Dazai the medicine.

Dazai parts his lips, his breath hot when Chuuya sticks the spoon into his mouth. His eyebrows furrow when he swallows the medicine, coughing slightly.

"Ah, shit, I need to go." Chuuya glances at the clock, whose hands show nine in the night.

"Chu... ya..."

The redhead perks up as he hears his name, halting in midstep before he reaches the bedroom door.

"You need something, mackerel?" Chuuya questions.

"Do... Don't... leave..."

Chuuya's breath catches in his throat when Dazai utters those words in barely a whisper.

"St... ay..."

Chuuya swallows as he turns around.

Dazai shifts in his bed, his eyes half-lidded as he stares at Chuuya from across the room.

"Rest for now," Chuuya says, pulling up a chair next to Dazai's bed, "I'll be right next to you when you fall asleep."

He starts humming softly while holding Dazai's hand, caressing it. Dazai's pained expression relaxes as he succumbs to sleep, his chest rising and falling in even breaths.

With a shuddering breath, Chuuya places Dazai's hand at the side of his bed as he stands up. He places a chaste kiss on the other's forehead, a smile residing on his lips.

"Goodnight, Dazai."

Chuuya remembers to lock the apartment door when he leaves.

~

He wakes up to his room clean and a towelette on his forehead. There's a faint throbbing in his head, but nothing too bad.

He remembers snippets of last night, of fiery orange curls and bright blue eyes, of profanities and a small kiss at the end.

A genuine smile flits across his lips, and he is unaware of it until he raises the tips of his fingers to his mouth.

Maybe someone did care about him after all.

~

"Eat."

"No."

"You need food after you're sick," Chuuya scoffs.

"And who said that?" Dazai countered.

"I did. So eat up."

"I said, I'm not hungry."

Chuuya growls as he shoves the bento box into Dazai's lap. "You better eat it."

"Boo."

"Fucker."

"Slug."

"Shitty mackerel."

"Hat rack."

Chuuya punches Dazai playfully on the shoulder. It only then does he notice that Dazai's shoulders are shaking.

They're not shaking with laughter, however.

"Mackerel, you alright?" Chuuya places a hand on his shoulder, and he can feel it vibrating against his hand.

"Huh? What?"

Chuuya raised an eyebrow.

"Why are you shaking?"

"I am?" The tone that Dazai uses hits Chuuya hard for it is genuine; he doesn't know that he's shaking.

Dazai holds up his hand, which is twitching slightly.

"Oh, this? It's nothing," he laughs as if it's all just a game.

"Nothing? Nothing?!" A spark of anger suddenly rises in Chuuya's chest. "Your bandages are nothing?! Your eyebags are nothing?! Your decrease in weight and appetite is nothing?! Your fever was nothing?!"

Dazai's eyes avert to the ground, his left hand automatically rubbing his right wrist.

"There are people who fucking care about you, Dazai. If you have a problem, talk to them, talk to me," Chuuya pleads, "don't bottle it all up and expect it to get all better because listen up. It. Is. Not. If. You. Don't. Reach. Out."

"It's nothing, alright?!" Dazai's voice escalates, louder than anything Chuuya had ever heard from him before. "Stop butting into other people's business! It's not like you don't have problems of your own either, Nakahara."

Dazai sneers the last part, and the use of Chuuya's last name shocks him to the point where he's practically paralyzed.

Dazai leaves without a further glance at Chuuya, and this time, the redhead doesn't stop him.

~

He is drowning.

The water is ice cold, enveloping his senses - flooding his ears, covering his eyes. He can't hear nor see.

A part of him is above the waves, clinging on to the remains of his life. The other part of him is sinking, weighed down by all his misfortune and sorrows.

The waves of depression are what he'd called them.

They were made of his tears, his anger, every one of his thoughts that he'd never shared with anyone.

They were dragging him down to the black depths, inviting him to join the darkness.

The last of the colors in his life - orange and blue - disappear, tainting his vision with a bland white and black.

Only his hand is above the waves, and he doubts anyone will be able to take his hand and drag him back onshore.

He closes his eyes, the blue and white above him turning into a blissful black abyss.

Maybe it is time for him to stop treading the waters.

Maybe he should let himself sink to the bottom of his mind.

A soft smile comes after his decision.

And he lets go of the surface.

~

It's after school, the skies fading from a blue to a light pink and orange. The weather is just right, and he'd made sure that all the doors that gave access to the roof are locked.

He breathes in, enjoying the last of his moments, enjoying the crisp air and scent of cherry blossoms.

His feet are positioned at the edge, his arms at his sides.

Falling to his death had been his first choice of suicide ever since depression seized him. It was painless and quick, just how he liked it.

He never fit into society, anyway. As a disgrace and something far, far from the standards of a human, he deserves to die. He welcomes Death with open arms.

Right when he steps off the edge, he hears someone shouting his name and the crash of a heavy object.

Before he is able to sink beneath the waves of his fears and feelings, someone takes his hand and pulls.

They pull him from the water, from the darkness and back into the light. They drag him onto shore, where he gasps for air, his heart thundering rapidly in his chest.

"YOU FUCKING IDIOT!" A sharp sting blossoms across his cheek and his head jolts sideways. "You fucking, selfish, bastard."

A hand is placed on the back of his head, bringing his face into the chest of a familiar person.

"Chuuya...?"

His only response is another arm wrapping around his waist, pulling him in.

"You- You-"

He finds the audacity to look up, his gaze traveling from Chuuya's lips to his eyes, filled with anger and sadness.

"Did I scare you?" He finds himself laughing humorlessly, a fake smile spreading across his lips.

"Yes, yes you did, you son of a bitch." Chuuya's voice cracks and his grin falters.

"I'm... sorry, Chuuya..."

"You better be sorry, Dazai," Chuuya's voice wobbles. "What the fuck were you thinking?!"

"I-" Dazai starts.

"I told you, if you needed help, I was here for you. You didn't need to suffer alone."

Dazai stays silent.

"I fucking care about you, bastard. I made all of those bentos for you because I knew you weren't eating. I knew you weren't sleeping enough, and I knew- I knew you were harming yourself."

Guilt floods Dazai's mind and his chest is heavy with remorse.

"It felt like the right thing to do..."

"IT'S NEVER THE RIGHT THING!" Chuuya hollers, glaring into Dazai's eyes. "DYING, DEATH, SUICIDE, IS NEVER THE RIGHT THING!"

A burning sensation builds up in the back of his eyes as Dazai's blinking grew quicker.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry..." Dazai mutters.

Chuuya holds him tighter, his hands stroking his head, his fingers weaving through his hair.

He breaks then, his tears falling shamelessly out of his eyes, a feeling he's never felt in a long time.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Dazai blubbers through his tears. "I didn't know, who to trust. I- I didn't know what to do- Everything was so dark, I was drowning, drowning, drowning."

Hiccups and sobs rack his body while Chuuya holds him, murmuring soothing things into his ear.

Dazai lets out every emotion he'd kept in, yelled and screamed through his crying. Chuuya stays by his side the entire time, rubbing circles on his back, placing his lips on Dazai's head as he sobs.

"Promise me something," Chuuya says in a soft voice when Dazai's crying is reduced to sniffles. "Promise me that you won't ever do this again. You may not want your life, but I do. I want to cherish it, to keep you here by my side. You're not alone, Dazai. Okay?"

Dazai takes a deep breath, steadying his heartbeat.

"I promise." And this time, it's not like one of his many lies; it's the truth.

Chuuya closes his eyes with a hum, his lips widening into a tender smile.

"Thank you."