I decided to ditch the rest of my school day. I walked up the hill alone and sat at the bus stop with not a single tear in my eyes. I flung my backpack to the floor and put my head in my hands.

Surprisingly I didn't feel like crying. I was just angrily resigned if anything.

I knew this would happen and I was just mad that for a second I believed it wouldn't.

The bus pulled up and I took an indrawn breath. I pulled myself up on the platform and then I remembered. I hadn't been on the bus since November.

The bus driver stared at me like I was a nut job before I quickly rushed to scan my card.

I didn't know anyone on this bus so there were no greetings or pleasantries. I sat down and looked around like someone I knew would pop out of somewhere. When no one did I turned to the window counting down the minutes until I could leave.

About a block down from my house I got off the bus and once it drove away I sat down on the bench trying to get myself together. It was something about being on that bus that made me extremely panicked and I hated it.

I started walking home after a minute and when I unlocked the door I skidded my backpack across the ground and wandered over to the carpet where I laid down on the floor.

I could hear my mother's footsteps coming towards me from down the hall and I was not ready to be bombarded with questions.

She peered over at me and made a confused face. "What are you doing here? You're supposed to be at school."

"I needed to come home." I said softly.

She looked me up and down. "You're acting really strange Charlotte. What's going on?"

I tapped my fist on the ground. "I think Jordan broke up with me," I whispered.

Her face softened. "Baby-"

"Mom," I said, interrupting. "You're going to make me cry."

"It's okay to cry," she reminded me.

I sighed.

She sat on the floor next to me before stretching out and laying next to me.

"You've had a hard couple of months," she noted casually.

I gripped the carpet beneath my fingers. Who was she telling?

"And I feel like we haven't had a good talk in a while and I know things are hard but I miss you Charlie."

I shut my eyes. "Mom," I whispered.

"Will you talk to me please?" She asked while holding my hand.

I stared at the ceiling in silence trying to find the right words. I turned to the side and swallowed loudly before I mustered up the strength to say the words out loud.

"I rode the bus today."

My mom squeezed my hand.

"It was horrible. I was panicking the whole time. It felt wrong but so familiar at the same time."

She hummed in understanding. "That makes a lot of sense honey."

"Why?"

"Because your safety net was pulled out from under you."

I was deep breathing. "What does that mean?"

"Well I'm not saying there hasn't been struggles or pain in your life but your father and I work hard to make life as easy and as smooth as possible for you and your brother because we want you to take advantage of your childhood.

You have been fortunate enough to have not personally known loss before the passing of Ray. And although you weren't necessarily sheltered, you've never experienced something of this magnitude because it's not something you can prepare for. And with the loss of someone you love a lot of times life feels unsafe.

You see how fast you can lose someone and it is a terrible feeling. You see how in an instant everything you know can change. So I understand. Taking the bus to school was your thing and now it feels unsafe."

As it resonated I felt tears prick my eyes. She just put what I was feeling this whole time into words that I could finally understand.

"I'm an idiot mom." I told her.

"No you aren't. Don't say that."

I ignored her and continued. "I think that's why Jordan and I broke up." I told her quietly.

"What do you mean?"

"It's all my fault. I thought I was just unsure of us. So I was scared to let him in in that way. I thought it was because he was going to hurt me but maybe deep down inside I'm actually just scared that I'll lose him. Maybe because I don't feel safe anymore."

I turned to make direct eye contact with my mom and upon sight I started bawling. I tucked my arms to my chest and my mother's arms went around me.

"Baby," she said while pushing the hair out of my face.

"It's all my fault," I hiccuped.

"No, Charlie. You just lost someone close to you. You're going to college. You just got your first boyfriend and throw that all together and of course it gets messy."

I cried for myself. For the first time in a long time my tears were for me and not on the behalf of someone else.

I wiped at my face as my mom pulled me up to stand while she rocked me slowly.

She kissed my forehead and held me tight before she spoke. "You are loved Charlotte. So loved. And I know this is easier said than done but you have to let go. If you push people away for long enough they stop fighting. You have to make things count with the people you care about so that when they leave you have all the memories that they left behind."

I nodded and wiped the tears so I could gain some composure. Because now I understood why I was in the wrong and I understood how I got there. I just didn't understand what to do.

"I made a mistake." I said aloud.

My mom kissed my forehead.

"Now you fix it."

***

My mom let me take her car to drive over to Matt's house. I was coming over unexpectedly but I needed to talk to him.

I rang the doorbell. And Matt's father opened the door.

"Hi Charlotte." He said.

"Hi Mr. Bauer, is Matt home?"

"Yeah. He's downstairs playing some video game with his cousin." He said as he ushered me in. "You can just head down there, I trust you."

I smiled before heading down to the basement.

"Matt?' I called out tentatively.

I could hear the video game and the clicking of the controller.

I made my way down the stairs and when he saw me he pulled off his headset.

"Charlie? What are you doing here?"

Beckett's little head popped out from around Matt to settle on me. "Yeah, what are you doing here?" He repeated.

I ignored him.

"I need to talk. I did something dumb and then Jordan broke up with me."

His mouth opened in disbelief.

"What did you do?"

I sat on the couch and put my hands in my pockets and then I explained.

Beckett just stared at me like I was an evil person and Matt looked like he didn't even know what to say.

I swung my foot back and forth while taking some deep breaths.

"All I'm going to say is that if you want him back you need to make the first move. That being said you aren't the only one to blame."

I shook my head. "No it's my fault."

"It is but it isn't. You should have explained yourself better and you should have communicated. You were setting yourself up to fail since you didn't air out how you felt. You dumped it all out at once and basically threw your relationship in his face by saying you didn't know if it was worth it."

Beckett chimed in. "That's what I'm saying."

Matt shoved him before continuing. "But even though he asked you it sounded like he had already made up his mind. You could have made him listen but it sounded like he heard what he wanted to hear and took off. What you did was shitty but it wasn't that shitty.

If you actually talked about it he would have realized you weren't coming from a bad place. You were just hurting."

I sighed and played with my fingers.

"What now?" I asked.

"I think you have to go to him. You made a mistake so you fix it."

"You think he'll forgive me?"

"He loves you too much to not forgive you. He's probably hurting though so you might not get the response you want right away. Don't give up on it though."

I stood up to give him a hug.

"Thanks for being a good friend Matty." I sniffled.

He was hugging me back when Beckett also came and put his arms around me. I awkwardly extended my arm to pat him on the back since I couldn't really hug him back from that angle.

"Matt, your cousin is weird." I whispered in his ear.

"I know."

***

I facetimed Harper once I got home to talk but she immediately launched into a rant.

"What happened today? Liam told me Jordan was feeling bummy and then all of a sudden you disappear."

I wrung my hands together.

"We broke up," I told her.

"What?" She yelled.

I sighed and proceeded to give her the rundown as well and once I was done her face was all soft.

"Charlie. You idiot." She said in a sad little voice. "I mean I get it but..."

"I know. And I feel horrible so I've got to try and get him back."

She nodded. "You'll figure it out. And you'll get him back, because he loves you. Even when you couldn't see it I could. Most high school relationships are doomed to fail but you guys are just different. Whatever this is, this is definitely not the end."

And upon those words I knew what I was going to do. And surprisingly I felt hopeful if anything.