XIV 

  "I could see the signs

 She was fixed to fly 

It's always better fought than won 

For those not afraid to die"  

"Couldn't Stop Caring" -The Spiritual Machines

               Harper jerked in her seat, woken from the simulation coming to and end and her heart beating so hard she thought she might drop dead right there. Above her was Carson, her eyes trained on the screen, and she glanced over to see Harper with terrified, wide eyes. Carson's blue eyes trained on her green ones, she smiled softly, but there was a sadness in her eyes. As Harper sat up, she felt embarrassed that Carson had seen everything that Harper had just endured, but she was surprised with herself for being able to shield her direct fears with similar situations. She would think them over for the days ahead, again and again, and try to figure out what they meant.

"Your father, did he die in real life?" Carson asked, though she wasn't supposed to ask questions. She was supposed to push the initiates out and get another one in. These tests took a very long time, and could take up over a day to get everyone through.

Harper nodded, knowing what she had to say. "Allergic reaction."

Carson narrowed her eyes, "Oh?"

Harper shrugged. "It rarely happens, I know..."

"It never happens."

"What are you saying?"

Carson shook her head. "Never mind. Go on, get some rest."

Unable to get what Carson said out of her mind, Harper walked out of the room, through the remaining initiates, which was very few, and down to the dormitory where she could get some rest. The day had gone by and was slow, as she had spent most of it sitting down and waiting for her turn. Now she had so much to think about, and yet she didn't want to think about any of it at all. 

There was something in the way Carson spoke about her father's death that made her wonder. Did she see through the lie of it being allergies? Or did she think Harper didn't believe it either? She had given very little away in her voice, and realized that she might give more away and sent Harper out. While she still believed that Carson didn't know what Jeanine and Eric were planning, Harper wondered if Carson might suspect something going on. The way she instantly knew that allergies didn't happen... She seemed too intuitive.

After a quick shower, Harper thought about her fears. One by one, she went over them and tried to identify their origin, the reason behind them, and how she would conquer them in a real life situation. The simulation was as real as it could be, but it offered unlikely chances sometimes, ways to get away from your fears. Real life was not that generous. Being blinded from her surroundings was the first fear, not a deep fear, but a basic one. She liked to be able to observe and assess everything. She told herself that if she found herself in that situation in real life, she would have to train herself to use her other senses to adapt to her surroundings, until she was able to see again. If she was truly blinded and not just bound, it would be different. She made a mental note to try and use her ears more than her eyes.

Her second fear was drowning; the burning of water forced into her lungs. She shivered at the thought. More than once she imagined herself being tossed into that very river by the pit, perhaps by Eric or by someone else. Regardless of who did it, the river was strong enough to kill someone who was not an adequate swimmer, even someone who was. She decided to see if there was somewhere that she could train, better develop her ability to swim. She had gotten out easy enough, but she hardly ever wore a belt in real life, the simulation had given her that opportunity. Though she didn't think she would ever find herself in that situation, it was still possible.

The third one ate away at her; that was the one Eric had showed up in, though subtle enough that she didn't think anyone looking in would see it. She figured out that it was being out of control, being amidst chaos and destruction knowing that she could do little about it on her own. But she had done something about it, she had killed those involved with the chaos, those who created it. But that person had been Eric, and Harper knew that it was what was going to happen in Abnegation, or something close to it. She nibbled at her nail and tried to think of how to stop it, but nothing came to mind yet. She was too alone, and she hadn't gotten close enough to Eric. If she got him to love her, or even feel something remotely close to that, he might change his heart. It was unlikely, but Harper had to stop what was going to happen.

The final two fears were understandable, but the fears went from least feared to most feared. She feared torture, like any sane person would, but she knew that she would only be subjected to something like that if she was discovered. It solidified her mindset that she would be more careful about all this; to avoid torture, simply don't get caught. Her last fear was disappointing her father, and even though he was dead and would never see the outcome, he had made Harper who she was, formed her into the strong individual that she was. She was determined to help him, to help Abnegation, and help the factions either come together or come to an end. Either way, she had to do something.

And that left what she was going to do about Eric. How she was going to approach him. How she was going to keep on the path she had started with him, without destroying the bridges her father had put up for her. It all seemed too tiresome to think about right then, and just as if Eliza had read her mind, she came over to distract Harper. Not with good news, but with something that would make Harper realize that her problems were smaller than other peoples, but also give her some drive for the path she needed to follow.

Eliza looked paler than a ghost, and she whispered softly, "Can we go talk somewhere private?"

Harper needed the distraction, and the friends. "Yeah, of course."

They found themselves atop one of the many abandoned buildings, sitting on one of the highest floors, leaning out of the smashed window and looked down the hundreds of feet below them. There was a cool breeze as it was now later in the day, evening had come and dinner would be ready soon. They would have to keep their conversation short if they wanted to eat, but Harper wasn't feeling very hungry, and hadn't since she had been thinking of her fears. She didn't ask Eliza what was up, but instead waited until she was ready to talk. They hadn't said much to one another on their way up the building, hundreds of steps with only silence, but it hadn't been uncomfortable.

Eliza sighed and ran her hands through her brown hair. "So, how was your simulation?"

Harper shrugged, wondering if she would be able to lie to Eliza, a Candor transfer. "Well, I think it was probably like everyone else's. It was interesting to see what fears I had, the things I had to overcome. I don't know if I could actually overcome them in real life, but I guess that's what the simulation is meant to show."

"So you knew you were in the simulation?"

Harper shook her head, "No, I mean, looking back on it, it seemed obvious, but when I was in the simulation, it all felt so real."

"Yeah," she said, but it didn't sound like she was actually agreeing.

"Why?" Harper gave her the most sincere look that she could. "Did you know?"

"I'm... I'm not sure." Her lying was pitiful, and Harper was curious, though she didn't want to know anything that might get her friend in trouble. She was dangerously close to certain people who might disagree with whatever Eliza was trying to tell her. "I had... three choices on my test."

"Three?" Harper shook her head. "But that's not possible."

"Why not?" She widened her eyes. "I mean, why should we only choose one trait?"

For that, Harper had no answer. Eliza had mentioned it before, and she hadn't thought anything of it. There were factions for a reason, but Harper had never thought about what that reason might be. Getting the best of someone and bringing it to light? The brave, the kind, the selfless, the knowledgeable, and the honest. But Eliza was right, it couldn't hurt to have all of these traits and apply them. 

But what would the world be without factions? How would it operate? It all bogged down Harper's train of thought, it bothered her that she didn't have the answers. She knew that Erudite was trying to overthrow and perhaps even rid Abnegation, but Harper personally thought the factions could work without Abnegation. She didn't think it needed to be wiped out, but it wasn't exactly the most important faction. She tried to imagine what it would be like without Abnegation, as she had hundreds of times in the past, but just couldn't put her finger on it.

"Does anyone else know?" Harper asked, an unsettling feeling was in her gut, she didn't think this information was good for anyone else to hear. From what it sounded like, it was going against what Jeanine and other leaders sought out; order, segregation, keeping people in their places.

Eliza shook her head again. "Just the person who ran the test, she told me not to tell anyone."

"That's probably a good idea." 

Harper leaned back, her hands behind her. She wanted to tell Eliza about everything, to finally let someone know what was on her mind, but she couldn't. Her mind drifted to Eric, to Carson, to Jeanine, to everyone who might be involved, to everyone who might be able to help her stop it, but for now, the weight was on her shoulders, and she had to tackle it alone. While it was eating away at her, she had to take this one step at a time. Maybe in a few years she would have figured out who stood where, and could reveal her knowledge, but she might not have a few years. Harper turned to Eliza. "Why did you join Dauntless?"

She sighed. "The same reason everyone does."

Harper laughed out loud, because she did not join for the same reason everyone does. "You needed some excitement, huh?"

"Telling the truth is exciting, but it just becomes so..." She huffed. "Once I found out about my test... I knew I couldn't stay in a faction where I would endure a truth serum as my final test. I'd reveal it, I'm sure."

"So, not the same reason as everyone else."

"I guess not." She had to laugh. "I just hope your reasons were better."

Harper's face became stern, and she turned away from Eliza so that she wouldn't see. It was going to be difficult being friends with a Candor; constantly seeing through her lies and secrets. Eliza, however, was extremely distracted with the knowledge of what she was, and how it was a threat to the system, and didn't notice Harper's sudden change of expression. The cold air eventually forced them back down the building and into their respective beds, another night of restlessness combined with dreams that were not so generous as the previous night.