XXXI

"We'll crucify the insincere tonight

We'll make things right, we'll feel it all tonight

We'll find a way to offer up the night tonight

The indescribable moments of your life tonight

The impossible is possible tonight

Believe in me as I believe in you, tonight"

"Tonight, Tonight" -The Smashing Pumpkins

It was not unusual for Harper to be completely lost in thought even when she lay naked in Eric's arms. As elements in her life grew far more complex, her mind lacked the ability to expand and process all of it. A coping mechanism prevented her from seeing everything, and she had become split into two people. One person that wanted to save the world and all that was good, and one that wanted nothing else in the world than to be with Eric. Because what was the point in saving the world if she couldn't be happy? There was so much more to life than what she had with Eric, she knew that she could go on with or without him, and would probably find a lot more happiness without him, but she was too selfish to let him go. She would risk her safety to be with him, because a part of her knew that he would never hurt her.

Her whole world was shifting, but that part of her refused to step up and make the change. But she was only hurting herself, no one else. She clung to that fact every time she found herself with Eric. There had been more good than bad, and though they had started off rocky, things had smoothed out. That was better than a lot of relationships that Harper had seen. Between Eliza and Klaus, though Harper had not spent much time with them, she sensed a tenseness between them. From her outsiders point of view, she thought that maybe Eliza was with him for protection, but she recognized the look in her eye as one Harper had as well. That worry that the person she loved was the person who was going to end up getting her killed.

Eric had something on his mind for hours now, days even. It never seemed like the right time to bring it up, but today was the best day to do so. There were things that needed to be laid out between him and Harper, and while there was still years before the attack on Abnegation would be commenced, he didn't want to have to deal with the crumble of a relationship at the same time as that. Not that he wanted to end anything between him and Harper, but he had to start getting into her head, he had to start understanding where she stood exactly. Not long ago, he had brought up the idea of having her taking a more political position to Jeanine, and the Erudite leader had considered it, but nothing had come of it yet.

Eric tightened his strong arms around Harper's body as if it were the last time he would be able to do so. Her shoulder and head were rested upon his chest, and her eyes were glued to the ceiling. Eric's arms were underneath her breasts, holding her tight. She traced the tattoos on his arms, something she had realized was a habit she had. The maze-like tattoos that covered his forearm were captivating, and she could spend hours like this. He knew just how content she was lying there, and he hated to break that up, but he had a game plan of how he was going to talk with her. A difficult subject followed by one that could possibly mend everything. He was more worried about the second half of the conversation than the first, but he jumped right into it.

"How did the first day of fear simulations go?" He asked casually, keeping his breathing steady.

Harper had expected Eric to bring this up. After reading the file, the one Jeanine had sent about Tobias and Marcus Eaton, she knew Eric would begin to pry and see if he was in fact Divergent. If his father truly was abusive, and so Harper had time to put together what she wanted to say when that time came. She didn't expect it to be so soon, but luckily, she was prepared.

"Good. It was a long day." She started of simple, pretending as if she didn't know where he was going with this.

"You know I have to ask." He breathed.

She waited for him to go on; there was no way she was going to step into anything if she didn't have to. If she said the word Divergent, she would open up a world of discussion with Eric that she did not want to get into. If she let him say it, somehow it changed. Somehow she felt that there would be no reason to get into a heated debate. He vaguely believed that she didn't approve of Divergents', as from what Jeanine had told him, but she had never said that she would scope them out, and out them for Eric.

"What did you see in the Stiff's fear sim'?" He got right to the point, and in that question there was the underlying question of if he was Divergent.

"Eric, it would be very unethical to tell you all the initiates fears," she stated firmly.

"I'll know by the final test anyways."

"Exactly, patience gets you a long way." She stiffened.

"Oh come on, Harper." He rolled his eyes. "I could find the results if I wanted to, I'm asking you because I want to hear it from you."

Harper couldn't help but scoff; he was playing it off like he just wanted to hear the sound of her voice. But she simply knew that he could get in trouble for breaking into the results of the simulation before the final initiation test. He needed her to relay it back to him, and she wasn't comfortable doing it. But she also knew that if she held off from telling him, he might assume she was hiding Tobias's secrets and jump to conclusions. That could lead to worse results for Tobias, and Harper wanted to protect him from the evil of this world.

"What do you want to hear?" She exclaimed. "That he only has four fears? That's the least amount of fears on record, I know because I checked. Tobias is meant to be Dauntless, the only thing that makes him different is lack of fears."

"Four?" Eric growled. "Four fears? Are you sure you gave him enough of the serum."

"I'm not an idiot, Eric." She sneered back at him, pulling from his grasp and covering herself with the blankets. She lied on her side and glared at him. Even though she too had thought she had muffled up the serum dosage, she was a bit offended that Eric thought she would make such a stupid mistake.

"I'm not saying that." He replied through gritted teeth, but upset that she had moved away from him, and that she was defending Tobias. He took a calming breath, and tried again. "There are things I need to know as a Faction Leader, Harper. Marcus is my equal, and I should know if he is what they say he is."

He had a point, and Harper didn't want to tell Eric about Tobias's father, but he had cornered her and they were off the topic of Divergence. This was a safer bet. "He did, that's why Tobias left. But Eric, you use it against him one more time I will leave."

Eric frowned. "I-"

"He didn't ask for it, why do you think he left? Just because he doesn't want to out his father, doesn't make him a bad person."

Eric snapped. "Why are you defending him!?"

"Maybe I don't want his life to be decided by bad parenting," she said with a waver to her voice. She had to turn her father into this monster in her head, so that Eric and Jeanine and people like them would think she was telling the truth about it. She loved her father, and he had not been a bad person. "I could have been murdered by Jeanine because of my father, and you cannot deny that because you have kept us a secret in fear of her offing me because I could be seen as a distraction. I'm defending Tobias because he is not his father, just like I am not mine."

Eric realized that she was right, Jeanine was about as loose of a cannon as he was with certain things, and he had known that. That was why he had kept his relationship with Harper a secret, and he took a deep breath. There was little doubt in his mind that Tobias wasn't Divergent, but he knew that Harper was not the way to get to the bottom of that. He would find out in time, and he couldn't push her any further. Her threats of leaving were honest, and he knew that she had enough guts to actually get up and leave without another word if he pushed her too far. He respected her new boundaries and pulled her close to him again.

"I'm sorry," he muttered, and then he pondered over the second bit of the conversation. Was it really appropriate now? He contemplating just saying it, and wondered if maybe he should wait until morning. He had thought about it, and always told himself that another time would be a better time. He had been terrifyingly close to losing her just there, and did not want to use it to keep her there. He settled with the morning, it would be better for both of them to simply sleep away the thoughts bouncing in their heads, and start with a clean slate in the morning.

***

Harper woke to the smell of vegetables being fried. It brought her senses to a wakened state, and told her just how hungry she really was. She had skipped dinner having been so stressed out about Tobias and Eric, the fear simulations. Today was another day, another tedious, gruelling day of helping people overcome their fears, but it would be easier from here on out, she suspected. As she groaned, stretching her sore muscles over her head, she did not want to get out of bed, but the food and her growling stomach eventually got the best of her. She slipped on one of Eric's shirts and quickly hopped into her black pants. They were form fitting, but breathable and gave her lots of movement.

She walked out of the bedroom area and crossed over to the kitchen where Eric was shirtless, frying up breakfast for them. She laid her eyes on his muscular back and smiled, there was nothing else going on in her head when she looked at him. Staying where she was in order to keep Eric occupied on the food, she just waited until he noticed her. He turned around with the pan in his hands and spotted her, a half smirk on his lips. She replicated that smile and closed to gap to the kitchen, taking a seat on a stool. Eric poured the potato and veggie hash over the plates and put the pan down. Harper grabbed her fork and poked at her food to cool it down.

"You know," Eric said, leaning over the counter. Harper never really figured out why he always chose to stand on the opposite side of the counter, but it always made him look like he was ready to take off quickly. Even if he was half naked.

"Hmm?" Harper looked up from her food, a mouthful of potatoes in her mouth.

"I've been meaning to tell you something."

Harper swallowed. "I have something in my teeth, don't I?"

Eric laughed, and then shook his head. "I'm serious."

She had a feeling that she knew what he was going to say, and the same reason behind why she hadn't told him, she didn't want to hear it from him either. It was okay to not say it, and while not a whole lot of people would think that, Harper just didn't want it spoken. If he wanted to tell her, he would have to yell over her protests, and she would have to accept it. But instead of having that, she raised her hand and shook her head. "Don't."

"What?" Eric raised an eyebrow. Was she really going to stop him from saying he loved her?

"I don't want to hear it," she said with a half smile.

"You don't know what I'm going to say."

"Yes I do." She widened her eyes a tiny bit. "I just... I know, okay? I don't need you to say it."

"Harper..." He was about to say it, but then he stopped. "You are one of the strangest women I've ever met."

"Oh I don't doubt that for a second. And I'll take that as a compliment." She leaned over the counter, grabbed the back of his head, and kissed him.